


riptides

by sharkfish



Category: Supernatural
Genre: BDSM, Barebacking, Bipolar Disorder, Bisexual Castiel (Supernatural), Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bondage, Breathplay, Bruises, CBT, Caning, Choking, Collars, Coming Out, Dean Winchester's Appallingly Low Self Esteem, Dean Winchester's First Time With a Man, Dean in Panties, Dean's overuse of alcohol, Dom Castiel, Domdrop, Domestic Fluff, Double Penetration, Ethical Hedonist Cas, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, Facials, Falling In Love, Fisting, Fluff and Smut, Fluffy Facefucking, Friends With Benefits, From Sex to Love, Fuckbuddies, Gay Panic, Gentle Dom Castiel, Idiots in Love, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kissing, Lingerie, M/M, Making Love, Marijuana, Masochism, Mental Health Issues, Moon Landing Conspiracy, Nipple Clamps, Orgasm Denial, Paddling, Phone Sex, Porn Video, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Praise Kink, Recreational Drug Use, Riding Crops, Rimming, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sadism, Sappy, Semi-Public Sex, Sex Tapes, Sex Toys, Shower Sex, Spanking, Sub Dean, Subdrop, Suicidal Thoughts, Super brief homophobia don't even want to tag it, Super brief non-thing threesome don't even want to tag it, Team Dean's Red Ass, Wax Play, Writer Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-02-26 07:00:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 79
Words: 138,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13230426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkfish/pseuds/sharkfish
Summary: “I’m going to kiss you now.”Cas pauses, giving Dean a chance to back out, but Dean just licks his lips and waits.Cas’s mouth is up against Dean’s for a couple seconds before Dean responds, and then it’s Cas that’s being kissed senseless, because kissing is definitely not something Dean does tentatively. Dean reaches up to cup Cas’s jaw in his hand, tilting his head for a better angle, mouth plush, tasting like whiskey.Cas tries to remember what it was like the first time he kissed a man. All-encompassing, the world jerking off its axis, the feel of stubble under his fingers intense in a way it never really is with women, as much as he loves them.





	1. A KIND AND GENTLE MAN

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a pwp and clearly i lost control. 
> 
> a note about time: if the babysitters club characters are trapped in amber -- i.e., seasons pass but they never age -- this is the opposite, where time is passing but i have opted to mostly ignore holidays etc because i mostly boycott them in real life anyway. :P

“I want you to choke me,” Cas repeats, taking Dean’s hand and putting it against his throat.

“ _What_?” Dean says. “Cas, I don’t -- why would -- I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know you don’t. You’re a kind and gentle man, Dean Winchester.” Cas says it with a smile. “But sometimes I don’t want kind and gentle.”

Dean flinches away, his hand leaving a burning print around Cas’s neck. Cas grabs his hand back, kisses fingertips starting at his pinkie and working to his index finger, then parting his lips so Dean can slide his first two fingers against Cas’s tongue. It’s a cheap move; Dean’s eyes dilate immediately and he licks his lips, watching his fingers disappear into the heat of Cas’s mouth.

But Dean never misses a chance to doubt himself -- maybe because, Cas knows, Dean still hasn’t admitted to himself exactly what the two of them are doing nearly every night in each other’s beds -- and says, “It hasn’t been good for you?”

Cas lets Dean’s fingers go with an obscene wet noise just to laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he says.

“You won’t be able to tell me when to stop,” Dean says.

Dean’s thumb is stroking over the soft skin just over Cas’s pulse, still wrapped around Cas’s neck, and Cas wraps both hands around Dean’s forearm. “I’ll tap you, like this,” he says, demonstrating.

“But what if you can’t?”

“You’ll stop before I tell you to anyway. Or, if I pass out, that’s a good time to stop.”

“What the fuck, Cas!”

“I’m kidding. That’s not going to happen.”

“Has it happened before?” Dean’s voice is a little lower, a little more menacing, like he would build an entire army to take on anyone who hurt Cas. _Hurt_ hurt, not the kind Cas likes.

Cas rolls his eyes. “No, Dean, that’s never happened before.”

Dean moves his hand and presses close, leaving kisses over the place his thumb was just resting. “I don’t like to think about other people touching you.”

This should not thrill Cas. He shouldn’t be happy that some guy he met at a bar and has been fucking for a couple months wants to own him, but Christ, he loves to hear the words come out of Dean’s mouth. “I know,” Cas says around the flight feathers lodged somewhere between his stomach and his throat.

“When? When do I do it?”

“When I ask,” Cas says, smirking. “Right before I come. You can tell.”

“Right now?”

“I just came five minutes ago, Dean. So no, not right now.”

“I meant, tonight? Later?”

Cas smiles and lets his eyes close for a minute to imagine it, the bruising intensity of Dean’s touch stealing his oxygen, the way orgasm sweeps through him like a riptide and leaves him broken on the shore when there’s no air to help him through it. The orgasms Dean gives him are kind of always like that, though, so he’s been wondering what it would be like to have Dean’s hand around his neck since the first time they fucked.

“That would be wonderful.”

 

How it goes depends on who’s doing the fucking. Dean likes it hard and bruising, wants to feel it in the morning, but when he’s inside Cas, it’s just the languid rolling of hips, taking Cas apart endless moment by endless moment, kissing him through it. Cas has had a lot of lovers but not many of them treat him like this, like something treasured, and he clings to it. Clings to Dean.

Dean always waits until Cas says “please, Dean” -- he doesn’t beg the way Dean does, but he can ask politely -- to pick up the pace a little, one hand going to Cas’s lower back to help him arch into the angle that makes Cas’s breath catch and the other going to Cas’s cock, a wet and aching mess by then.

Tonight, Dean waits longer than usual to give Cas what he wants, nervous to bring Cas closer to coming. Cas smiles up at him and Dean smiles back, a kind of smile Cas thinks no one else gets to see.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Dean whispers.

“You won’t,” Cas whispers back.

Biting his lip, Dean pulls nearly all of the way out and slams home. It surprises Cas; he tips his head back and cries out -- “Dean! -- and then Dean’s hand is on Cas’s throat, not squeezing yet, and Cas almost comes right then and there from the promise of it.

“Gonna take such good care of you, sweetheart,” Dean says, fingers tightening just the slightest.

“Now,” Cas says, riding back down against Dean’s dick, fucking into him hard and relentless. As an afterthought: “Please.”

“Always so polite.”

Dean’s fingers tighten slowly, letting Cas’s body pull in a couple shallow breaths before his airway is lost completely under the hot press of Dean’s hand. Cas wants to watch him, watch Dean’s face as he discovers this new pleasure -- Dean is always a little in awe of each new one they discover together -- but the hard pistoning of Dean’s hips combined with the press of his fingertips are overwhelming and Cas’s eyes fall closed.

Dean stops -- hips and hand -- immediately. “No, no,” Cas says, snapping his eyes open. “I’m fine. It’s really good, Dean. Really good.”

“Don’t stop looking at me,” Dean says.

“I won’t.”

Dean leans down to kiss Cas as he starts to thrust into him again, slowly building back up to the same brutal pace as before, nudging Cas closer and closer to orgasm. This time Cas doesn’t have to make the request because Dean knows when Cas is getting close and squeezes his fingers until Cas is breathless.

Usually this is the part where Cas struggles a little. He wants it. He wants to feel pinned by Dean’s strength, a little helpless underneath him, but he stays still other than the rocking of his hips to meet Dean’s cock.

Cas knows the exact moment the look of airless bliss passes over his own face because Dean _does_ look awed, lips parting and a soft “oh” falling out.

Cas’s lungs are burning. He can feel his own pulse start to pick up so it’s just about time to ask Dean to stop when that riptide sneaks up on him, jerking him under and spinning him around so hard and fast he’d be breathless even without a hand around his neck. Dean’s touch loosens even as Cas’s cock is still splashing come between them.

Before his fingers have even fallen away, Dean is replacing them with his mouth, kissing Cas so wet and sweet all over his neck. “Cas,” he murmurs, and then, deeper, “ _Cas_ ” as he comes.

Cas is giddy and huffs a small laugh into the side of Dean’s face. “Thank you,” Cas says. “That was incredible.”

“You don’t have to _thank_ me,” Dean says, like he always does when he’s not too fucked out to talk. This ritual makes Cas smile, and he can’t take his eyes off of Dean as Dean pulls out, tosses the condom in a trashcan, and lays on his side to face Cas, close but not touching.

This is the other ritual: afterwards, Dean doesn’t touch until Cas reels him in, and Cas always does, grabbing him by the hand or the hip until they are touching down the length of their bodies, regardless of the mess. Then Dean will sigh softly and kiss him, lips parted but no tongue, until one of them decides it's time to go. 


	2. FEELING OWNED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas tilts his head to the side and counts off on his fingers. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who likes to be fucked as hard as you do. You like your hair pulled hard. You like to be bitten hard. You like your nipples twisted hard. You like me scratching your back hard. You even like a little teeth when I suck your cock. And I really think you would like it if I slapped you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Tags** : Face Slapping

Dean didn’t know sex could be like this. Not that he hasn’t had plenty of good sex in his life. He’s been around the block a few times, seen and rode that rodeo, but Cas is… something else. Was from the moment Dean laid eyes on him. Now Dean walks around smelling like Cas’s penchant for weed and incense and doesn’t even give a single flying fuck because the sex is  _ that good _ . 

Cas answers the door shirtless, a joint in hand, and welcomes Dean in with a kiss to the corner of his mouth. He’s really beautiful in his own space covered in haphazard piles of books. Once Dean tried to say it, describe the kind of grace Cas holds inside his own body, but Cas just laughed and rolled his eyes so Dean hasn’t tried since. That was one of the times Cas got Dean to smoke with him so it was probably an incoherent jumble of sort-of syllables anyway. 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says, like he always does.

“Heya, Cas,” Dean says, like he always does. 

“Have I ever told you my real name?” Cas says. 

Dean pauses mid-way through shrugging out of his jacket. “Cas isn’t your real name?” 

“It is, it’s just not my full name.” Cas takes a hit, turns his head to blow the smoke away from Dean. “Castiel. Can you believe that shit? My brothers are Michael and Gabriel, and I’m  _ Castiel _ .” 

Dean considers it, mouthing the word without actually speaking. “I like it.” 

“Also, my brothers are named after archangels, and I’m named after the  _ Angel of Thursday _ .” 

“Angels, huh? Didn’t expect you to be religious.” 

“They are. I’m not. I’m the godless heathen of the family.” Cas laughs harshly and takes another hit. He’s going through the joint faster than usual. 

Usually this is the part where Dean would start getting undressed, but he stops with just his jacket and flannel outershirt thrown over the back of the couch. “Is everything ok, Cas?” 

“Yeah,” Cas says, snubbing out the joint in the ashtray on the coffee table. “You’re here now.” 

Cas stalks up to Dean, puts a gentle hand on either side of Dean’s face, and says, a breath away, “Can I kiss you?” 

“You really don’t gotta ask, Cas,” Dean says, but before the words are fully out, Cas is on him, mouth a bruising force, tongue surging into him to take Dean’s breath. 

Women never kiss Dean like this. Women can’t ever manhandle Dean back into their bedrooms and throw him on the bed. Women don’t offer the hard line of a cock pressing against Dean’s through two layers of denim and women don’t get the roll of their hips  _ just fucking right _ so Dean is saying “please, please” before he even gets out of his clothes. (That’s another thing about women: Dean never begged for anything in his life before meeting Cas.) 

“Please what?” Cas says, nearly a growl that makes Dean’s cock twitch uncomfortably under the zipper of his jeans. 

“Fuck me,” Dean says, kind of quiet. That’s still hard to say, that he really, really wants this man on top of him to pound him into the mattress, but it’s been something like three months and he’s starting to get over it. 

“No,” Cas says, sliding Dean’s shirt up and leaning down to mouth at his belly, biting with sharp teeth that make Dean moan. 

“Why not?” Dean says, even quieter. Cas may string it out, tease him until he’s coiled tense and ready to snap, but he’s never flat-out denied Dean anything before.

“Because I have something else to ask you,” Cas says. He slides Dean’s shirt up further to latch onto a nipple, teeth working until Dean is arching up into his mouth for more. 

“Is this like the choking thing?” Dean pants. 

“Sort of. But something for you.” 

“Yeah?” Dean says, sitting up so Cas can pull his shirt off. 

Cas bites and sucks at the newly-exposed curve of Dean’s shoulder. It’s hard enough that Dean knows there will be a bruise rising there before this is over with, and it secretly makes him really, really happy. He knows Cas likes it, too, because every time Cas marks him, he goes back to the spot with wet kisses for days, until it fades and he makes a new one in another place. (Once Cas asked if he shouldn’t do it, if it would cause Dean trouble with other people. Dean didn’t say that he hasn’t even thought about being with anyone else since he met Cas.) 

Cas sits back on his heels, looking Dean over. “I think you would like it if I slapped you. I think you would like it a lot.” 

“ _ What _ ?” Dean squeaks. 

“That’s basically what you sounded like when I asked you to choke me, and what did we do on Tuesday?” 

Dean tries to remember back to what happened on which day, because his days are now all kind of a blur of fucking Cas in every way they can think of, but yeah, on Tuesday Dean held Cas against the wall by his throat while jerking him hard and fast until Cas came all over his fist. And Cas, the fucking asshole, sucked Dean’s fingers clean, smirking.

“But -- hit me?” 

Cas tilts his head to the side and counts off on his fingers. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who likes to be fucked as hard as you do. You like your hair pulled hard. You like to be bitten hard. You like your nipples twisted hard. You like me scratching your back hard. You even like a little teeth when I suck your cock. And I really think you would like it if I slapped you.” 

Dean started blushing the moment Cas started rambling off his list and is cardinal red by the time it’s over. He can’t meet Cas’s eyes when he says, “And if I don’t like it?” 

Dean knows Cas well enough that he doesn’t have to be looking to know Cas is rolling his eyes with a smile. “Then we don’t do it again, obviously.” 

“Not too hard?” 

“Not too hard.” 

Cas looms over Dean again, and Dean expects the smack immediately, but instead Cas just kisses him while his hand works at Dean’s belt, button, zipper, until he can slide his hand inside Dean’s boxers and thumb over the wet head of him. 

“I think you like this idea a lot,” Cas says, that fucking smug smirk on his face again. 

“Well? Are you going to do it?” 

Cas reaches up and Dean flinches, but it’s just to caress his cheek while Cas steals another kiss. Just when Dean is relaxing into it, Cas pulls away and abruptly slaps the side of his face.

It’s not hard enough to turn Dean’s head, but it stings in a way getting punched never does, and Dean stares up at Cas kind of wide-eyed. Cas gasps like he’s the one getting hit. 

Dean licks his lips and says, “Yeah, ok.” 

“You want it harder.” It’s not even a question, but Cas still waits for confirmation. 

Dean averts his gaze. “Yeah.” 

“Look at me.” 

When Dean’s eyes meet Cas’s, Cas hits him across the face again, a  _ lot _ harder, hard enough to snap Dean’s head to the side. 

“Mmm,” Cas hums, bringing his hand up to rub a fresh spurt of pre-come over Dean’s lips. “You liked that quite a bit.” 

Reflexively, Dean licks it away. He can feel his cheek red and hot, maybe the ghost of a handprint there, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been so hard in his whole fucking life. 

“More,” Dean says, breathy. 

Cas grins, and it’s a new kind of smile on him, kind of predatory. His other hand leaves it’s place on Dean’s cock and slaps across the other side of Dean’s face, smearing wetness along with the hot sting.

“Please, Cas -- I need you -- I need you to --” 

“Yeah?” Cas says, working Dean’s jeans and boxers off his hips. Dean is wearing the tighter ones Cas likes, the ones that show off his ass and wide-set legs. “Tell me what you need.” 

“Your cock in me.” 

Cas leans down, spreading Dean’s thighs roughly and sucking a harsh mark on the inside of one and then, as an afterthought, the other. Dean will feel them as he walks tomorrow, and tomorrow Cas will kiss them softly, and tomorrow maybe this whole slapping thing will be like a particularly vivid wet dream but right in this moment Dean’s face is hot and he’s breathing hard and his hole is fluttering, aching to be filled, and he doesn’t think he’ll want anything other than Cas ever again. Fuck pies and cheeseburgers and work and just all the rest of life, maybe he can stay in Cas’s bed forever with Cas’s hands gripping his hips tight enough to leave fingerprints and biting more marks all the way up his body. Dean feels  _ owned _ . Dean  _ loves _ it. 

Cas grabs a condom and lube from the nightstand without having to look, his mouth now busy sucking one of Dean’s nipples, tugging with his teeth, and then there are two fingers inside Dean, he likes it to hurt a little, Dean says, “fuck, Cas, fuck” and his eyes close so he’s not ready at all when the next slap comes. 

Dean is so close to coming he thinks if Cas even looks at his cock, it’ll be all over. 

Cas gives Dean a third finger, and then, ridiculously, impossibly, a fourth, his thumb rubbing over the soft skin just behind Dean’s balls. “Cas -- I’m going to -- Cas --” Dean says, brokenly, sobbing. 

“No, you’re not,” Cas says, and pulls his fingers out, leaving Dean empty in the cool air. 

Cas slicks up fast and is in Dean with one harsh push. Dean doesn’t have anything to compare him to, but he always feels fucking huge inside Dean, like Dean couldn’t possibly take any more. 

It’s stupid intimate but Dean can’t help wrapping his arms around Cas’s shoulders to pull him closer until they are skin-to-skin, Cas grinding deep and dirty inside him. “You have to let me go if you want me to fuck you, honey,” Cas says. 

Dean whimpers, mouthing at the side of Cas’s face until Cas turns and their lips find each other, Cas biting at Dean’s bottom lip hard enough to almost draw blood, and Dean releases his hold on Cas so Cas can lean up and get some leverage to start fucking him hard and deep. 

Dean stares up at him, the bright glimmer of his eyes, the sharp lines of his jaw, his mouth, wet and kiss-swollen, hair wild from Dean’s hands, and Dean is lost in the singing of his nerves, his entire body on fire and needing. 

Cas grabs Dean’s chin, rough like he’s fucking, and says, “Again?” 

“Yes, yes, please,” Dean says, his voice cracking. 

It’s the hardest hit yet and Dean cries out, shoving himself down on Cas’s cock and coming hot and hard between them. It seems to last forever, especially when Cas slaps him again, doesn’t let up fucking into him, his hipbones slamming into the new bruises on the inside of Dean’s thighs. Dean comes so good he’s actually dizzy with it, black spots dancing in front of his eyes as blood rushes everywhere but his head. 

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Cas says, and comes, too. 

Cas is ridiculously strong so his arms don’t even shake as he continues to hold himself over Dean for long minutes, their foreheads pressed together and sharing harsh breaths. “Do you realize,” Cas says in between gasps for air, “that you just came without me touching your cock?” 

Dean looks away. “Yeah,” he says. 

Cas pulls away and collapses next to him, chest still heaving, and when Dean peeks back at him, Cas is grinning openly, ready to meet Dean’s eyes. 

Cas grabs a couple tissues to clean them up, then lays back down on his side next to Dean on his back. As per usual, Dean doesn’t initiate any touching, but Cas shifts until he’s pressed up against Dean’s arm, a hand resting on Dean’s belly. Today Dean’s uncomfortable with even this, can’t look Cas in the eye even though Cas is inspecting him with those baby blues. 

Fuck, his fuck buddy just beat the shit out of him and he  _ loved _ every second. 

After a long, unbearable silence, Cas says, “You’re ashamed.” 

“No, I -- it’s fine. It’s fine.” 

“You’re ashamed of me in general, and now you’re ashamed that you liked this.” 

“I’m not ashamed of you,” Dean insists, turning to look at him. 

Cas reaches up to touch his face, still inflamed and stinging. “It’s ok, Dean. I understand. Religious family, remember? I’ve been there.” 

“I don’t do this. I don’t like guys,” Dean says. “Just you.” 

“That’s ok, too,” Cas says. “I’ll be your one in four billion.” 

Dean smiles. Cas smiles back and kisses his shoulder, over the place marked by his teeth. 

“Please don’t be ashamed,” Cas says. “There’s no judgments here. It’s just me. It’s just us.” 

Dean looks at the ceiling, unable to handle the earnestness in Cas’s eyes. “Ok, Cas,” he says. “Ok.” 


	3. INTERLUDE #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas squints at him. “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, Dean?”_
> 
> Pretty little head. _Pretty, Dean knows how to be that. “Nothing,” Dean says. “Hurry up, I wanna suck your cock.”_

“So I’m like, ‘What was I supposed to do with that cat, Samantha?!’” Dean says. “Of course, the cat was dead at the time.” 

Cas was already giggling, but now he throws his head back into a full-body laugh, all closed eyes and teeth. Dean has to jump forward to catch his bowl of pho before he drops it; still, a good splash hits the rug. 

Cas settles, grinning widely at Dean from across the couch. “You, Dean Winchester, are fucking ridiculous.” 

“Hey, speaking of,” Dean says, “kinda random, but I realized the other day I don’t even know your last name.” 

“Were you looking for me on Facebook?” 

“What? No, I don’t even have --”

“Kidding, Dean. Castiel James Milton. E-stalk away.” 

Dean blinks. “Wait,” he says. 

Cas, being an indulgent little shit, pauses with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth. “Yes?” 

“Oh, shit. You’re -- you’re CJ Milton. The writer. Right?” 

Castiel tilts his head to the side. “Yes? I told you I was a writer. Granted, I could’ve fucked that memory out of you soon after.” 

“Yeah, but. I didn’t think you meant, like -- shit, I’ve read one of your books.” 

“Are you making that face because you hated it?” 

“There’s no face,” Dean says, but yeah, he can feel himself kind of pale. “I really liked it.” (This is an understatement. Also, Dean read it twice.) 

Cas squints at him. “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, Dean?” 

“I’m a fucking  _ mechanic _ .” 

“I’m aware.” 

Cas goes back to eating, like Dean isn’t having a huge fucking internal freak-out. Like Dean didn’t just realize that whatever he’s been trying to pretend they were doing these days, with all the laughter and the take-out and sometimes Netflix naps between raucous rounds of sex, was just… yeah. Pretend. 

“Seriously,” Cas says. “What’s going on?” 

_ Pretty little head.  _ Pretty, Dean knows how to be that. “Nothing,” Dean says. “Hurry up, I wanna suck your cock.” 

 

When Cas goes down on Dean, it’s practiced and mind-blowingly perfect. Dean isn’t nearly enough of an emotional masochist to ask, but he gets the idea that Cas has done it to a lot of different people. Dean, on the other hand, hadn’t even touched a cock other than his own before he met Cas, so he feels like he has a lot of catching up to do. 

Dean’s enthusiastic. Christ, is he enthusiastic. Any self-consciousness he felt at the first careful swipe of his tongue up Cas’s cock was gone when Cas fisted his hands in Dean’s hair and groaned his name, and Dean can’t really get enough of making him say  _ Dean _ that way. 

Dean kneels in front of the couch between Cas’s spread thighs, pushing up Cas’s shirt to mouth at his stomach, eager to taste the ridges and valleys of Cas’s abs. Cas likes it, but he likes it even more when Dean nips at his hip bones. Dean isn’t sure if he is allowed but doesn’t ask permission before sucking a bruise there. 

Dean kisses along the top of Cas’s jeans while he undoes the button and zipper, pulls Cas’s jeans down his thighs with the help of Cas’s rising hips. As usual, Cas is bare underneath, something Dean thinks about a lot when they are dressed around each other, how little clothes there are between them. How easy it is to work his hand into Cas’s pants and touch him in all the ways Dean is learning Cas likes best. 

Dean is always a little unsure with Cas watching him, just keeps reminding himself that he can’t take his eyes off Cas when Cas is between Dean’s legs, either, addicted to how Cas looks with his mouth stretched around Dean’s cock. 

“Dean,” Cas says softly, stroking a hand through his hair. “I don’t think you’re really into this right now."

“I am,” Dean says. 

Cas shakes his head, grabbing Dean’s chin so Dean has to meet his eyes. “Why would you fake it with me?” 

“I mean, I’m here, right? Isn’t that why I’m here?” 

Cas tilts his head and frowns. He lifts his hips again to pull his jeans back up, tucking his half-hard dick into his jeans and zipping up. Dean still cringes every time he does that, waiting for the catch of zipper on skin, but Cas never seems particularly concerned about the possibility. 

“Ok,” Dean says, getting to his feet. His bad knee cracks and Cas reaches out to touch it, rubbing his hand up Dean’s clothed thigh. “I guess I’ll just go.” 

“You don’t have to.” 

Dean can’t look at Cas. He has no idea how to interpret the careful tone of Cas’s voice, like he’s talking to a wild, unpredictable animal. “It’s cool. I should. You know, work in the morning.” 

“Text me tomorrow?” 

 

Dean doesn’t.


	4. ALL-ENCOMPASSING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Gabe groans. “You’re about to ditch me, you fuck.”_
> 
> _“I’m thinking about it.”_
> 
> _It’s not like this is a gay bar, and the guy looks straight anyway, but then his eyes shift around, catch on Cas’s, and he starts_ blushing.
> 
> _“Yes, I’m ditching you,” Cas says._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **this is a flashback**

“Come on, bro, when was the last time you left your house?” Gabe says.

Cas glares at him. He’s in the middle of a new book and is pretty good at losing track of time that way, ignoring phone calls and texts for weeks until, inevitably, someone like Gabe shows up at his door and barges their way in to make sure he’s still alive. But Gabe does have a point: Cas has even been running on his treadmill instead of going outside, skipping his yoga classes with Lisa, ordering grocery delivery. 

“Fine,” Cas says. “Two beers.” 

“Put on a shirt first, dude.” 

“ _ Two beers _ .” 

 

Things get a little more interesting somewhere around Cas’s third beer (god, fuck Gabe) when the door of the shitty little dive opens and in comes a guy in a leather jacket and torn jeans. A really gorgeous guy, hair a little windblown and eyes bright even across the dim bar. Cas stares a moment too long before Gabe smacks him in the arm and says, “Are you even listening?” 

“Not really,” Cas says. He’s suddenly aware of how long it’s been since he’s been laid. Usually not even writing gets in the way of  _ that _ , but he’s particularly wrapped up in  _ Leviathan _ , the words coming especially fast and furious, so he hasn’t managed to catch up with any of his friends lately.

Cas might become a little too invested in watching this guy, the way he settles onto a bar stool like he was made to be there, waves down the pretty bartender and orders something. It’s whiskey. 

Gabe groans. “You’re about to ditch me, you fuck.” 

“I’m thinking about it.” 

It’s not like this is a gay bar, and the guy looks straight anyway, but then his eyes shift around, catch on Cas’s, and he starts  _ blushing _ . 

“Yes, I’m ditching you,” Cas says. He tosses down enough cash to cover both his and Gabe’s drinks before heading to the bar. 

There are plenty of extra seats, but Cas sits directly next to whiskey boy. “Can I get you another?” Cas says. 

“Um.” The guy looks around like Cas might be talking to someone else. “Yeah, sure.” 

The bartender is cute and has great cleavage, but neither of them are actually noticing. “Two Jacks,” Cas says.

“Make mine a double.” 

“I’m Cas,” Cas says, holding out his hand. 

“Dean.” His handshake is warm and firm, the kind of hands Cas would like to get on him as quickly as possible. “I haven’t seen you here before.” 

“Come here often?” Cas says, teasing. 

Dean laughs a little. “Is that your best line?” 

“I don’t have any lines. Unless you thought that was a good one, at which point I will make it my line.” 

“You’re kinda weird.” 

“You’re kinda rude.” 

Dean smiles, and Cas catches him looking, for the briefest moment, at Cas’s mouth. 

“Finish your drink and let’s get out of here,” Cas says. 

Dean eyes widen. “Yeah,” he says, “ok.” He picks up his glass and downs it in two big gulps. Cas doesn’t bother finishing his, putting down some more cash before Dean can pull out his wallet. 

Cas leads the way out the door, not looking back to see if Dean is following until they are out in the muggy air. Cas wants to back him into the wall and kiss him senseless, but he restrains himself. “Are you drunk?” 

“What? No.” 

“Good. My brother brought me, mind giving me a ride?” 

Dean is silent, tense, in the car. It’s a beautiful car and Cas gets the idea that Dean could wax poetic about it, but he doesn’t say a single word, just stares forward through the windshield like Cas isn’t even there. It doesn’t stop him from following up the stairs to Cas’s apartment though, close enough that Cas can almost feel his breath on the back of his neck. 

“You have a lot of books,” Dean says. 

“I’m a writer.” 

“Oh, that’s -- that’s pretty cool.” 

Cas shrugs. He’s never entirely sure what to say to other people’s reactions to his profession. He pulls off his shoes and turns to face Dean again. Dean is just inside the door and he’s not looking at the books anymore. Cas thinks he was probably looking at Cas’s ass. Cas smirks. 

“Dean?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m going to kiss you now.” 

Cas pauses, giving Dean a chance to back out, but Dean just licks his lips and waits. 

Cas’s mouth is up against Dean’s for a couple seconds before Dean responds, and then it’s Cas that’s being kissed senseless, because kissing is definitely not something Dean does tentatively. Dean reaches up to cup Cas’s jaw in his hand, tilting his head for a better angle, mouth plush, tasting like whiskey. 

Cas tries to remember what it was like the first time he kissed a man. All-encompassing, the world jerking off its axis, the feel of stubble under his fingers intense in a way it never really is with women, as much as he loves them. 

“Fuck,” Dean says in a break for air, and then his mouth is on Cas’s again, nipping at Cas’s lower lip, stroking their tongues together, fingers buried in Cas’s hair. 

Cas starts stumbling backwards towards the bedroom, hands on Dean’s hips to hold him close. 

Cas switches on the lamp next to his bed, wants to watch Dean uncover something about himself he didn’t know was there. Dean’s eyes are a little dazed as he moves back into Cas’s space, skipping Cas’s mouth to go to his neck instead, spit-slick lips over the pulse point just under Cas’s ear, then heading downwards with gentle bites. Cas almost says,  _ I’m not going to fucking break _ , but he’ll let Dean figure that out on his own. 

As Dean is licking into the hollow of his collarbone, Cas pushes Dean’s jacket off and to the floor. Underneath Dean is wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt over a t-shirt. “You are wearing way too many clothes,” Cas says. 

“So are you,” Dean says, backing up to pull his own shirts off, then bending over to pull off his boots. 

Cas was pretty sure Dean would have a nice body, but  _ goddamn _ . He’s miles of tan skin and freckles, pink nipples Cas can’t wait to get his mouth on, cock hardening in his jeans. Cas strips out of his shirt, drops it to the floor, and waits a moment while Dean just looks at him. 

“Jesus,” Dean says. 

Dean steps forward to kiss Cas again but doesn’t seem sure of what to do with his hands. Cas grabs one of Dean’s hands and guides it down to feel how hard Cas is. Dean jerks away, almost breaking the kiss, but then he’s back, fingers finding the outline of Cas’s dick. 

Dean makes a choked noise against the kiss, hands reaching around to grab Cas’s ass and pull him forward, hips pressed together, one of Cas’s thighs working its way between Dean’s to give Dean something more to grind against. 

Dean’s hands become less hesitant, one of them still on Cas’s ass but the other sliding, hot and heavy, up Cas’s back, running slowly over the muscles of Cas’s shoulders. 

Cas shifts his hips backwards -- Dean  _ whines _ \-- just enough to get his hands between them and get Dean out of his jeans and boxers. Before Dean can pull him in close again, Cas goes to his knees. Dean’s cock is just as pretty as the rest of him, dark red with liquid beading at the tip. Cas wraps his fingers around the base to guide it to his mouth, licks away pre-come, looking upwards to see Dean’s eyes, wide and wild. 

“Can I?” Cas asks, though he already knows the answer.

“Yeah,” Dean says, voice shaky. “Yeah.” 

Cas sucks gently at the underside of the head, reaching his free hand up to hold Dean’s hip still, then takes the head into his mouth, tauntingly slow. 

_ “Cas _ ,” Dean says, his hands going into Cas’s hair but not pushing or pulling. 

Cas keeps his eyes focused upwards, on Dean’s, as he slides his tongue through the slit at the end, hand moving down to roll and tug gently on Dean’s balls as he starts to take more into his mouth. Dean’s hips jerk forward and Cas moans, eyes closing for a moment before refocusing on Dean’s. He wants to make Dean fall apart and not miss a single second. 

By the time Cas has taken Dean all the way into his throat, Dean’s hips are hitching in and out with shallow thrusts, and Cas encourages him with more moans. Cas wants so much: to get his jeans open and stroke his own cock while he’s sucking Dean, to slide his hand further between Dean’s legs and finger him open, to ride Dean until Cas can feel him pulsing inside, but Cas resists, just letting Dean fuck his mouth until Dean says, “Cas -- fuck, Cas -- I’m gonna --” 

Cas pulls off, a line of spit connecting his bottom lip to the tip of Dean’s cock. Dean’s gasping and Cas can tell how close he was from the red color of his bitten lips. “Not quite yet.” 

“Ok,” Dean says. “But I should -- for you, shouldn’t I? Suck you?” 

Cas gets back to his feet, nodding towards the bed. “What you  _ should  _ do is let me take care of you. You’ve received blowjobs before, yes?” 

Dean laughs. “Yeah, Cas.” 

“So let’s try something new. Get in bed.” 

Dean glances at the bed, then back at Cas, like he’s thinking about refusing, but he ends up on his back and spread out for Cas like some kind of fucking Greek god. Cas is pleased when Dean’s hand goes to his own cock, stroking loosely as Cas pulls off his jeans. 

Cas can feel the heavy weight of his eyes and Dean blushes to be caught staring. “Look all you want,” Cas says, grinning a he digs around for the lube he hasn’t used in weeks, not even alone. 

He finds it with a triumphant smile, tosses it on the bed next to Dean, who flinches away and starts to get up. “Hey, man,” Dean says, sounding a little panicked. “I don’t -- I don’t know what you -- I don’t  _ do that _ .” 

“Relax,” Cas says, hand on Dean’s chest to push him back flat on the bed. “I know.” 

Dean is tense under his hand but lets Cas kiss him, long and slow, and when Cas pulls back, Dean’s eyes are dark with arousal again. Cas climbs into bed, a knee on either side of Dean’s thighs but not touching. 

“Dean,” Cas says, mouth close to Dean’s. “We can stop if you want. Just tell me.” 

Dean lifts his head and kisses Cas, mouth open to offer tongue, and grabs Cas’s hips to pull him in. At the first glide of their cocks together -- Dean still wet from Cas’s mouth -- Dean’s head drops back and his fingers squeeze into Cas’s hips. Cas presses his face into Dean’s neck, getting a little toothy, but it’s clear from the sounds coming out of Dean that he’s really into it. Cas almost leaves a hickey but a neck hickey on a one-night thing is a little too tacky even for him. He just settles for sharp bites instead, rolling his hips to feel the velvet heat of Dean’s cock against his own. 

“Cas,” Dean says, voice cracking, like a question he doesn’t know the words to. 

“You’re ok,” Cas says, shifting downwards to suck a nipple into his mouth. Dean likes that a lot, too, back arching and a hand tangling itself in Cas’s hair. 

Cas kisses across to Dean’s other nipple, experiments until he finds just the right amount of teeth to have Dean writhing underneath him. Cas kisses his way back up Dean’s chest, pausing to bite at his shoulders and consider, again, leaving a mark but, again, opting not to. Dean’s never going to forget this as it is. 

Cas sits up to drizzle lube onto one of his hands. Dean’s eyes are shut tight and his breath is harsh. “Hey,” Cas says, “look at me.  _ Are _ you ok?” 

“I -- I -- yeah. Yeah. I’m ok.” 

Cas shifts his hips closer, lining their cocks up together and wrapping a hand around both of them. The muscles of Dean’s stomach tense and jump. Dean glances downwards, watching the first few strokes of Cas’s hand, and then his eyes squeeze shut again. Cas leans closer, kisses the corner of Dean’s mouth gently. “You don’t have to watch,” Cas says, “just feel it for me, ok? Does it feel good?” 

Dean hides his face in Cas’s neck and breathes out a shaky, “Yeah.” 

Cas nuzzles up against Dean’s temple, drops a kiss there, as he tightens his hand and strokes them, far slower than he really wants, but Dean is making these soft little noises of need and Cas could listen to that all night. “Dean, help me out. Put your hand on us.” 

Dean hesitates before his hand joins Cas’s, completing the circle around them. Dean’s hand is hot and calloused and feels  _ so fucking good _ . Cas wants Dean’s fingers in him, wants Dean’s  _ cock _ in him, but it’s pretty clear that’s not going to happen. If Cas isn’t good to him tonight, Dean might not ever try being with a man again at all, as secretly desperate as he might be for it. 

“Dean,” Cas says, a quiet moan. 

“Cas,” Dean rasps, his voice up against Cas’s ear. 

“Show me how you like it.” 

Dean’s hips give an involuntary jerk, the heads of their cocks catching against each other in a dizzying moment of pleasure, and then Dean is tightening his hand, speeding up a little, slicking up their shafts even more with pre-come. “Does that -- is that -- is it good?” 

“Perfect,” Cas says. 

Cas can tell when Dean gets close, his hips starting to twitch up into their touch, panting against Cas’s neck. Cas wants to pull away to watch him but keeps pressing his face into Dean’s hair instead, back bowed over them.

“I -- I --” 

“Are you going to come for me, Dean?” 

“Fuck, fuck,” Dean says, and is spilling hot between them. 

Cas touches him through it, even when Dean’s hand falls away, and Cas moans into Dean’s hair as he comes. 

Long moments just breathing, Dean’s hair tickling Cas’s nose, the scent of sex cloying around them. Eventually Cas pulls out of Dean’s lap, grabs his own t-shirt off the floor to clean them up, tosses it towards the hamper in the corner. There’s a stray bit of come on Cas’s fingertip and he sucks it away while Dean just stares at him. 

Cas smiles. Dean’s smile is a little strained, but it’s there. 

Cas lays next to him, head propped up by his hand, watching Dean watch the ceiling. 

Dean glances over at him and then away again. “Um.” 

“Are you always this smooth after sex?” 

“I mean. We didn’t…” 

“You don’t think that was sex?” 

“I guess,” Dean says. “I just don’t -- I’m not -- not like that.” 

Cas shrugs and leans over to kiss his cheek. “But you did enjoy yourself.” 

“Yeah.” 

Cas tries not to look too smug about it. “Then that’s all that matters.” 

Cas is pretty sure Dean’s going to pull out of what may be a cuddling moment, but instead Dean turns on his side to face Cas, accepting a kiss with a happy little sigh. They kiss for a long time, gentle without the urgency of impending orgasm, Cas stroking his fingers through the hair just behind Dean’s ear. 

Eventually Dean pulls back. “I gotta get home,” he says, and he actually looks regretful about it. 

Cas watches Dean get up, get dressed. “Give me your phone,” Cas says. “I’ll text myself in case you want to hang out again.” 

Cas doesn’t really expect Dean to do it, so it’s a pleasant surprise when, two weeks later, Cas gets a text that says,  _ Busy later?  _


	5. GREEDY BISEXUAL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _After the second bowl is cashed, Cas sets the bong aside and gives Dean a long look. “Stop being shy and kiss her.”_
> 
> _“I’m not shy,” Dean grumbles, glancing at Lisa._
> 
> _“Neither am I,” Lisa says, and she straddles Dean’s thighs to kiss him._

“My friend Lisa is really interested in you.” 

“The yoga instructor?” Dean says.

“Yes.”

“What do you mean, um, ‘interested’?” 

Cas presses up behind Dean, pinches a nipple, grinds into his ass. 

“Hey,” Dean says, slapping Cas’s hand away. “I’m cooking here.” 

“Like you’re ever hungry enough to say no to sex,” Cas says, laughing. “I showed her a picture of you, and she --”

“Why do you have a picture of me?” 

“You don’t remember?” 

Dean freezes, halfway through flipping a pancake. “You said you wouldn’t show anyone.” 

“Obviously I cropped it. She wants to get together sometime. The three of us.” 

“Uh. The three of us. Like…?” 

Dean can hear Cas rolling his eyes. “Yes, Dean, like a threesome.” 

Dean doesn’t look at him. “You’ve done that before?” 

“A handful of times.” 

“With Lisa?” 

“Lisa and I sleep together sometimes, but we’ve only been with other people once. There was a particularly interesting yoga retreat last year.” 

Dean’s heart pounds and he has to concentrate on breathing. “Is she hot?” 

“Yes, Dean, she’s hot.” 

“Always wanted to try a threesome. But I’m not -- you know -- I don’t want her to think --” 

“That you’re a greedy bisexual like me?” 

Dean laughs, letting Cas grab his hips and turn him around so they are facing each other. Dean leans down for a kiss, deflecting, because he doesn’t know how to explain that yeah, it’s a little bit that, but not entirely, maybe more that he’s sure anyone could see the things Cas does to him with a single touch, something he still wants to keep private between the two of them. 

Cas kisses back just like he always does, so fucking intense, Dean loving every second and leaning forward to chase after Cas for more after Cas pulls away. “I’ve done threesomes with straight guys before. We don’t have to touch.” 

“Can I think about it?” 

“Of course. Take your time.” Cas’s hands on his hips turn him back around to face the stove. “Bacon’s burning.” 

 

Lisa  _ is _ hot. They all meet up at Cas’s, Lisa and Cas passing a bong back and forth while Dean goes through a couple of beers. He drinks faster than he should because he’s nervous, even with Cas giving him small, reassuring smiles every time Dean looks over. He hopes Lisa can’t tell what a fucking wreck he is. 

After the second bowl is cashed, Cas sets the bong aside and gives Dean a long look. “Stop being shy and kiss her.” 

“I’m not  _ shy _ ,” Dean grumbles, glancing at Lisa. 

“Neither am I,” Lisa says, and she straddles Dean’s thighs to kiss him. 

At first it’s… really weird. Dean hasn’t kissed anyone but Cas in months. At the beginning of this thing, he figured he’d use Cas to scratch whatever itch he was having and then go back to pretty women, their soft curves, smooth cheeks, hair that falls around his face like a curtain, but now it all seems a little off. Lisa is into it, though, and Dean catches up pretty quickly, putting a hand in her hair and taking over the kiss. Her tongue is small and undemanding in his mouth. 

It’s the third or fourth kiss when Dean opens his eyes to peek over at Cas, who is watching with his usual intense stare but his expression is mostly unreadable. 

Lisa takes her soft lips to Dean’s neck, giving a quick bite that’s not anything compared to the ones Cas gives. “He said you liked biting,” Lisa says. 

Dean’s eyes jerk back to Cas’s and Cas shrugs like  _ Well, you do _ . He’s such a shit, and Dean forgets for a moment that Lisa’s not even supposed to know that he and Cas are a little bit more than just buddies. 

Cas says, “He likes it harder.” 

Lisa bites again, still not the same -- Dean is getting the feeling that this whole experience might be him thinking it’s just  _ not the same _ as it is with Cas -- but Dean’s head tips to rest on the back of the couch anyway, giving her better access to his neck. Dean’s eyes close but then open again as he feels Cas move closer. 

Cas’s hands slide up under the back of Lisa’s shirt and Lisa leans away from Dean’s neck to let Cas pull it off of her. She’s wearing a simple black bra underneath, and Cas quickly divests her of that, too, sliding his hands around to cup her breasts. Dean watches as Cas rolls her nipples between his fingers, nothing like the hard pinches he gives Dean. 

Lisa’s mouth is back on Dean’s, but Dean’s still a little distracted watching Cas bend over to kiss along her shoulder, pushing her hair out of the way to move his mouth up her neck and suck on an earlobe. Cas’s eyes are on Dean’s the whole time. 

Lisa sighs softly and says, “Bed?” 

“Lead the way,” Cas says, but pauses as she heads down the hallway to lean down and give Dean a quick kiss. “Everything ok?” 

“Yeah, of course.” 

Cas leans down for another kiss, lingering a little longer, until Lisa calls out, “Coming?” 

“You will be,” Cas calls back, giving Dean a grin and a wink. 

“Fucking smooth,” Dean says, and grabs Cas’s hand to be pulled up from the couch. 

Lisa is naked in the bed and sits up to meet Cas halfway for a kiss. Lisa breaks the kiss to pull Cas’s shirt over his head, then stretches back on the bed with Cas between her legs. Her hands move over Cas like she knows his body well. 

“Dean,” Cas says, looking over his shoulder. “Are you going to join us?” 

“Oh. Yeah,” Dean says. 

Cas’s eyes sweep up and down his body. “Take off your clothes first.”

That  _ voice _ \-- Cas’s voice -- telling him what to do -- fuck, Dean has never gotten naked so fast in his life, stumbling a little as he pulls his jeans off his ankles. “Well,” Lisa says, eyebrows raising as she looks Dean over. 

“I told you he was pretty,” Cas says, his eyes on Dean, too. Dean blushes. 

Lisa reaches out a hand to Dean, pulls him in for a kiss while Cas moves down her body, circling his tongue around a nipple while Dean’s fingers stroke gently down her neck. (Dean thinks, suddenly and viscerally, about the way Cas looks with Dean’s hand around his throat.) 

“Dean,” Cas says, turning to look at him with pupil-blown eyes. “I want to watch you fuck her with your tongue.” 

Lisa moans, legs spreading wider in an invitation. Dean pauses on his way downward to lick at her other nipple. One of her hands is in Cas’s hair and the other is grabbing Dean’s shoulder and she moans again, a soft, sweet sound. 

Her skin is smooth and she’s waxed or shaven or whatever. Dean pulls one of her legs over his shoulder and licks, barely-there touch, from the bottom of her entrance up to her clit. Her legs flex, heel pressing into his back, and Cas makes a little noise of approval. 

Dean licks again, a little more fully this time, tongue sliding through folds of skin to really taste her. There’s a hand stroking through Dean’s hair and he knows from the size of it that it’s Cas’s. He glances upwards and Lisa and Cas are kissing, deep and sloppy. 

Dean knows how to do this. He’s still getting the hang of it with Cas, the feeling of a cock hot and heavy on his tongue, but he knows how to use his tongue and mouth and breath to tease a woman. Lisa’s hips jerk as he focuses his attention on her clit. When he looks up again, Lisa and Cas are both watching him, Lisa biting her lip, and Cas says, “She likes it if you finger her, too.” 

Dean’s hand slides up the inside of her thigh but Cas pushes it away, instead moving his own hand between her legs, pushing a finger into her while Dean licks her. After a moment, Cas adds another finger, slipping in and out of her wetly. 

“ _ Oh _ ,” Lisa says. 

“Do you think you can make her come?” Cas says. It’s phrased like a question but the look in his eyes has Dean taking it as a command. 

Dean sucks gently at her clit and Lisa’s hips buck up into him. Yeah, Dean can do this. She’s responsive and vocal so it’s easy to tell what she likes best, and Cas’s practiced fingers are certainly helping the situation along. 

Cas leans over and whispers something into her ear that Dean can’t make out, but it makes her nod, a little frantically, and her hips grind down on Dean’s face and Cas’s hand. This is one of Dean’s favorite things about going down on a woman, the part where she starts to lose herself in it and forgets to be self-conscious about taking the pleasure she wants. Dean moans into her skin and her hips jerks harder. 

“Good,” Cas says, directed at Dean. “Keep doing that.” 

Dean blushes and flutters his tongue over her clit. Cas adjusts the angle of his wrist, starts fucking into her a little harder, and Lisa’s hands are both in Dean’s hair, not insistent the way Cas’s always are, just a gentle weight. 

Cas leans down to whisper up against Dean’s ear now. “Last time I made her come on my face four times. Think you can beat that?” 

Fuck. Dean can imagine it, Cas between her legs, clever tongue and fingers working her over. Dean can’t decide if the image is ridiculously hot or ridiculously painful. It must be more hot, though, because Dean grinds down into the sheets without realizing he’s doing it.

Lisa’s orgasm builds slowly, but she comes hard, face flush and thighs tightening around Dean’s head. Dean can still feel Cas’s eyes on him, watching as Lisa rides out her orgasm against Dean’s face. 

As soon as she calms, Cas pulls his hand away from her. “Put your fingers in her,” he says. “Don’t stop what you’re doing. It’s easy after the first one.” 

Dean slides two fingers into her, keeps licking, even as he’s distracted by Cas’s hand trailing down his back, sliding between his ass cheeks, brushing fingertips over his hole. Dean spreads his legs and cants his hips upward,  _ needing _ , but Cas just circles with fingers still wet from being inside Lisa. 

Dean doesn’t let up with his tongue but reaches his free hand back to grab Cas’s wrist, trying to force him to give Dean what he wants, but Cas withdraws his touch completely, giving Dean a little swat on the hip in a silent reprimand. Dean moans, nearly pulling away from Lisa to beg, and flushes hotly at the words that didn’t even make it out of his mouth. He can beg to Cas. Begs too much to Cas, probably, always so desperate and needy for more of him, but no one else has to know about that.

It’s quicker to make Lisa come again, her back arching off the bed, gasping moans falling out of her mouth. 

“Good,” Cas says, brushing his lips over Dean’s ear. “Two more and then you can fuck her.” 

Lisa laughs and grabs at Cas. “You’re still wearing your pants, moron.” 

Cas shrugs like this doesn’t concern him, but he wiggles out of his jeans -- one of the tighter pairs that requires some shimmying of his hips to get in and out of -- and then Lisa’s hand wraps around his cock, stroking. Dean wants to show her how Cas really likes it, just the right amount of pressure, thumbing over the head not every time but enough to tease, but Dean also wants this secret to himself, so he doesn’t rise up from between her legs until he needs air.

Breathing harshly against Lisa, Dean angles his hand, seeking that sweet spot inside her. He knows he’s found it when her hand tightens in his hair, and he presses a little harder, back to sucking at her clit, now spurred on more by the grumbling moans coming from Cas’s mouth than Lisa’s higher-pitched ones. 

Lisa’s legs are trembling and Dean has to use his free hand to hold her thigh open. 

“Put another finger in her,” Cas says. “Do it harder.” 

Dean looks up and Lisa is still stroking Cas, a little erratically, her hair spread out around her on the pillow, her eyes hazy watching Dean. Cas’s gaze is laser-focused on Dean like he’s not even noticing being touched. 

Numbers three and four blur together a little so Dean’s not entirely sure if they are separate at all, but Cas looks pleased at him and that’s better than giving Lisa a million orgasms. Dean sits up, licking his lips, and for a moment it looks like Cas is going to kiss the taste of Lisa off of him, but he stops himself. 

“Are you going to fuck me now?” Lisa says, smiling loosely up at Dean. 

“Yes, he is,” Cas says. 

Dean reaches over into the nightstand drawer and comes up with a strip of condoms. If Lisa is surprised that he knows exactly where to find them, it doesn’t show on her face. Her eyes just close, still smiling, as Dean rolls a condom on and fits himself between the V of her legs. 

Cas moves behind Dean, watching over Dean’s shoulder while he guides his cock to Lisa’s entrance. “She’s very bendable,” Cas says against Dean’s ear, voice probably too quiet for Lisa to hear. “But this is how she likes it best.” 

It’s Dean’s favorite, too, being able to kiss Cas, one of their cocks trapped between their stomachs, hands in each other’s hair, able to watch Cas as he approaches orgasm. He wonders if Lisa stares at Cas the way Dean does, trying to map out every changing detail of his face as he falls further and further. She’s not watching Dean now, though she does give a happy shiver as Dean pushes into her. 

“Does that feel good, Dean?” Cas says. 

“Yeah,” Dean says, thrusting into her for the first time. 

Cas’s voice lowers. “Does it feel as good as I do?” 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Dean says. “No.” 

“Mmm,” Cas says. Dean doesn’t know what his tone of voice means, but he’s not going to ask. Lisa reaches up to dig her nails into Dean’s forearms. 

Cas presses closer behind Dean until his chest is up against Dean’s back and his hands wrap around Dean’s hips. Gently he pushes and pulls, guiding the movement of Dean’s hips while Lisa squirms and sighs underneath him. 

Cas brushes his lips behind Dean’s ear and says, “Just like that. And kiss her.” 

Dean cups her cheek in his palm -- her face seems so small and delicate -- and leans down to kiss her. Cas follows with his body, too, biting at the back of Dean’s neck and then kissing wetly down his spine. Cas’s hands tighten on Dean’s hips, adjusting the angle, and Lisa breaks away from Dean’s mouth to throw her head back. Cas’s hands adjust pressure, and Dean lets Cas guide him to fuck her a little harder, a little deeper, Cas’s mouth at the back of Dean’s neck again, biting and sucking. Cas doesn’t usually leave marks where clothes won’t cover them, but Dean doesn’t care a single bit about having to pull out the old curling iron lie. 

Cas shifts, and Dean is suddenly aware of Cas’s hands spreading Dean’s ass cheeks, Cas’s cock nestling between them, spreading a smear of pre-come. Dean moans and bites down at Lisa’s neck hard enough for her to say, “Hey, watch it.” 

Dean’s hand grips one of Cas’s on his hip. Cas must misinterpret the gesture as something other than an urgent  _ need _ to have Cas inside of him, because Cas murmurs into Dean’s skin, “Shh, I won’t.” 

Dean is about to open his mouth to say  _ I want you to, please, please _ , maybe Lisa would be into it, but the thought is cut off by Lisa coming again, her whole body arching off the bed and nails scratching down Dean’s arm, leaving angry red marks in their wake. 

“Good boy,” Cas whispers into Dean’s ear, and then, fuck, Dean’s coming, too. 

Dean doesn’t pull out immediately, just pants into the pillow and listens to the sound of Cas jerking himself off. He wants to turn over to watch, but it doesn’t take long before Cas is coming all over Dean’s lower back, some of it sliding through his cheeks and over his hole. 

Dean pulls out and collapses next to Lisa, face in her neck. He expects Cas to go to her other side but instead Cas lays behind Dean, pressed up against Dean’s back with one arm draped over him and Lisa. Cas kisses the tender spot on Dean’s neck where he’d been biting. 

Lisa groans, giving an indulgent wiggle deeper into the sheets. “Thought you were going to fuck me, Cas,” she says. 

“I think he did a sufficient job,” Cas says. 

“He did a great job,” Lisa says, turning her head like she’s going to kiss Dean, but Dean doesn’t come out from hiding against her neck. 

Dean laughs weakly, feeling like he should protest about being talked about like he’s not even there, but Cas is kissing his shoulder and he doesn’t even care. He can still feel Cas’s come on his skin. 

After a few minutes, Lisa squirms out from under Dean and Cas’s arms. “Can I use your shower?” 

“Clean towels in the cabinet,” Cas says. 

Lisa saunters off like she owns the place, like she’s just as comfortable nude in Cas’s apartment as Dean is. When she returns, wringing her hair with a towel, neither Cas or Dean have moved. “Did we break Dean?” she says. 

“Possibly,” Cas says. 

Lisa pulls on her underwear and jeans, goes to the living room for her bra and shirt, and comes back to the bedroom. Dean can feel her eyes on him but doesn’t want to know what’s on her face. 

“Thanks,” Lisa says. “I had a lot of fun. We should do it again sometime.” 

“We should,” Cas says. 

“Are you actually coming to class tomorrow?” 

“We’ll see.” 

Lisa rolls her eyes and leans over to kiss first Cas’s cheek, then Dean’s. “See you guys later.” 


	6. INTERLUDE #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It was Cas’s idea, but he didn’t have any idea how little he would like it. All his previous group sex activities have been fantastic, and he’s always been up for more whenever schedules can align, but watching Dean with Lisa made him see red a little._

It was Cas’s idea, but he didn’t have any idea how little he would like it. All his previous group sex activities have been fantastic, and he’s always been up for more whenever schedules can align, but watching Dean with Lisa made him see red a little. 

After she leaves, Dean curls up in Cas’s arms, face hidden in Cas’s shoulder. Cas traces his fingers over Dean’s bicep, up and down. “How was it?” Cas says. 

Dean takes a long time to answer. “It was fine.” 

“Just ‘fine’?” 

“I don’t know,” Dean says. 

“I shouldn’t have touched you. You asked me not to. I’m sorry.” 

“No, it -- that’s ok. I liked that part.” 

“Which part didn’t you like?” 

“I dunno. It was just weird. Being with someone else.” 

“Bad weird?” 

Very quietly, Dean says, “Yeah.” 

Cas squeezes him closer, leans down to kiss his forehead. “I don’t think we should do that again.” 

“I mean, if you wanted --” 

“I don’t.” 

“Ok. Cool. Good.” 


	7. CAN'T GET ENOUGH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m going to slap you now.”_
> 
> _“You don’t hafta -- I mean, you don’t have to ask --”_
> 
> _“I’m not asking, I’m telling,” Cas says, and cracks his hand across Dean’s face._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Tags** : Slapping, Face-Fucking

**Cas:** I’m coming over tonight. 

**Dean:** Cool. What time? 

**Cas:** 7\. 

They haven’t seen each other since the thing with Lisa, the handful of days the longest they’ve been apart since they met, and Cas is positively itching to get his hands on Dean. Get inside of Dean. Remind Dean how much he likes getting fucked by Cas. They weren’t going to meet up tonight, either, both of them exhausted from working too much, but Cas can’t wait any longer. 

Dean’s spread out napping when Cas lets himself in. He looks beautiful in the glow of the tv screen, wearing nothing but a pair of faded sweatpants, feet hanging over the arm of the couch. 

“Dean,” Cas says quietly, leaning over to kiss Dean softly, hand on his shoulder. 

Dean blinks awake and smiles happily up at him. “Hey, Cas. Didn’t mean to fall asleep.” 

“Get up and go to the bedroom,” Cas says. 

Dean’s eyebrows raise. “Do you want food or something? I can make --”

“No. Go to the bedroom. On your knees on the floor.” 

Dean gets up without another question. Dean on his knees, Cas stands in front of him and grabs his chin. “I’m going to do some things to you that I think you’re going to like very much, but I need you to tell me if it’s too much.” 

“Ok,” Dean says, eyes wide. 

“I’m going to slap you now.” 

“You don’t hafta -- I mean, you don’t have to ask --” 

“I’m not asking, I’m telling,” Cas says, and cracks his hand across Dean’s face. 

Dean’s eyes close for a long moment while he takes a shuddery breath. Cas just watches, waiting until Dean’s eyes open and meet his before hitting Dean the second time. Dean moans.

Cas leans down and kisses him, gentler than he meant to, and he can feel the heat of Dean’s reddened cheek against his own face. Dean’s eyes stay closed when Cas stands back up, and he flinches as Cas caresses his cheek. “Ok?” Cas says. 

“Yeah,” Dean says. 

Cas slaps him again, as hard as he thinks Dean can take it, and Dean’s eyes are dazed as he looks up at Cas. “Suck my cock,” Cas says, unbuckling his belt. 

Dean doesn’t wait for Cas to get his jeans down his thighs, just dives in. Cas has been half-hard all day and just the sight of Dean on his knees with a handprint across his face has Cas needing in a way he never has, not even with Dean. 

Dean takes Cas’s cock in his mouth while Cas watches. Cas gives him a minute, to take as much as he can, and then he grabs Dean by the hair and jerks him away. Dean stares up at him with that same wide-eyed look. “You’re mine,” Cas says. 

Cas isn’t entirely sure he wants to know how Dean would respond, so he shoves his cock back in Dean’s waiting mouth. Dean likes everything else rough, but Cas is always careful about this -- it took weeks for Dean to get over his discomfort to even try it the first time -- but Cas isn’t particularly interested in being  _ careful _ tonight. Instead, he holds Dean still by the hair and starts to push in and out of Dean’s mouth, just the first few inches, thrusting in a little harder as Dean starts to relax around him. It’s fucking  _ good _ , even better knowing that he’s the first one to ever do this to Dean, that he gets to be so many of Dean’s firsts.

“Look at me, Dean. Are you ok?” 

Dean grips Cas’s hip through his shirt and tries to press closer. 

“I think you can take more.” 

Dean nods the tiniest bit. One of Cas’s hands gentle in his hair, moving down to stroke his cheek, and then he slides further into Dean’s mouth, until he feels the head of his cock up against the back of Dean’s throat. 

Dean chokes a little so Cas backs off, but Dean’s hand grabs Cas’s ass and reels him back in. The next time Cas hits the back of Dean’s throat, Dean  _ moans _ , and Cas feels the coil of arousal tighten further in his gut. “Look how good you are,” Cas says, rubbing his thumb along Dean’s cheekbone. 

Dean blushes, both cheeks red now, and Cas grins. He hasn’t stopped thinking about the way Dean reacted to  _ good boy _ when they were with Lisa and it’s clear now that it wasn’t a fluke. 

Dean chokes again, and Cas squeezes his hand in Dean’s hair. “Relax your throat,” Cas says. “Just let me. Trust me.” 

Cas can feel Dean go pliant around him. Cas pushes a little deeper, watching Dean’s face carefully, but Dean’s already getting the hang of it. Cas doesn’t even think about trying to go all the way into Dean’s throat, but he does pause as deep in Dean’s mouth as he thinks he should go, Dean’s nostrils flaring for air. 

“Swallow.” Dean does. “Jesus Christ,” Cas murmurs. 

Cas could fuck Dean’s face all night and never get tired of the way it feels, and he does even entertain the notion of just coming into Dean’s willing mouth and watching Dean lick it away from his lips, but Cas has other plans. He withdraws slowly, pleased when Dean leans forward to try to get his mouth back on Cas again. 

“Stand up,” Cas says. 

Dean does, knees cracking, legs a little shaky underneath him. Cas pulls his head down by the hair and says into his ear, “Remember when you were afraid to suck me? Now you can’t get enough.” 

Dean shivers.

“Say it.” 

“That I -- I can’t get enough?” 

“It’s true, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah, Cas. Can’t get enough of you.” 

Cas smiles, tilting Dean’s head to the side so he can bite at Dean’s neck. Cas shouldn’t, but he sucks a mark at that place where Dean’s neck meets his shoulder and it makes Dean whimper, a noise that goes straight to Cas’s dick. Dean makes the most delicious sounds and Cas loves finding all the new ways to make Dean moan. 

Cas tugs Dean’s sweatpants down over his hips, glancing downwards to see Dean hard as rock and wet at the tip. Cas almost goes to his knees to taste him, but that’s not on the agenda for tonight, either, so he settles for hitting Dean across the face. 

“ _ Cas _ ,” Dean moans. 

Cas grabs Dean by the neck, not squeezing but pushing Dean back onto the bed. Dean goes down with a bounce on the mattress, staring up at Cas with some kind of wonder on his face. 

Cas leans over and smacks him across the other cheek, just to watch it turn pink. Dean’s eyes fall closed and he trembles, so Cas grabs him roughly by the chin and says, “Look at me. Are you ok?” 

“Yeah, I -- I’m great.” 

“Spread your legs.” Dean does, and Cas spots one of his hands twitching towards his own cock. “If you touch yourself, I’m going to hit you again.” 

Slowly but deliberately, Dean wraps his hand around his cock. Cas grabs Dean’s wrist, pins his arm to the bed, and hits him three times in quick succession. Dean’s eyes go dazed again, and he actually  _ smiles _ . Cas hits him again, just a sharp tap with two fingers. “Oh fuck,” Dean says. 

“You like that, don’t you?” 

Dean’s face is too red to tell if he’s blushing, but Cas is pretty sure he is. “Yeah.” 

“I like it too.” 

Cas lets go of Dean’s wrist, but he gives him a pointed look and Dean actually holds his arm in the place where Cas left it. 

Cas grabs the lube, coating his fingers liberally, but he only gives a perfunctory rub to slick Dean’s hole before shoving two fingers inside him. Dean’s back arches off the bed and he whines. 

Cas leans over Dean to kiss him hard, fucking his fingers in and out of Dean roughly. Dean is moaning immediately, riding down on Cas’s hand, head tilted back so Cas can bite. “You wanted me to fuck you so bad the other night,” Cas says. 

“Yeah, Cas.” 

“She would’ve liked watching me ruin you. But that’s just for me to see, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah, I -- fuck -- don’t stop.” 

Cas stills his hand, fingers just shy of rubbing against that spot that  _ really _ makes Dean crazy. “Don’t tell me what to do.” 

“Please,” Dean says, voice breaking. “I’m sorry -- I need you --” 

Cas withdraws -- Dean whimpers -- and pulls his clothes off without bothering to make a show of it. Cas grabs the lube and, for the first time in his entire fucking life, almost forgets a condom. The way Dean is looking at him, he probably wouldn’t even care, but it’s obvious that Dean’s in no place to make that kind of decision right now.

“ _ Please _ ,” Dean says again, practically vibrating off the bed by the time Cas is pressing the head of his cock into Dean. 

Cas grabs Dean by the thighs, spreads him wide, and slams into him. He doesn’t bother giving Dean a chance to adjust, just fucks Dean hard and fast like he likes it, feeling ridiculously honored to be the one who gets to see Dean like this, needing so bad. Cas is so enthralled with watching Dean that he’s hardly feeling how tight and hot he is on the inside, like he’s never been fucked before. 

Cas grabs Dean’s chin and kisses him. Dean moans into his mouth and starts to reach his hands up to touch Cas. “No,” Cas says, taking both of Dean’s wrists in one hand and holding them above his head. Dean shifts underneath him, but it’s nothing like a real struggle, just an excuse for Cas to tighten his hand. 

“Dean,” Cas says, “you’re going to come on my cock or not at all. Do you understand?” 

Dean nods. Cas has only gotten this out of him the one time -- never really tried otherwise -- but it was the last (first, only) time he hit Dean so he’s pretty sure he can replicate that. Cas doesn’t really mean it, anyway, but Dean doesn’t have to know that. Cas is still a little nervous that Dean’s going to decide that he’s done with this thing at any moment and doesn’t want to give him an excuse.

Cas reaches down, wets his fingers with the pre-come pooling on Dean’s stomach, and puts his fingers in Dean’s mouth. “Suck,” he says, even though Dean already is. “God, you’re so beautiful.” 

The fact that Cas can see the blush coloring Dean’s cheeks means it’s been too many minutes since he slapped him, that he hasn’t been hitting him hard enough, so Cas pulls back his arm and hits Dean, still not as hard as he can but enough to raise a handprint on Dean’s cheek. Cas strokes his face, soothing inflamed skin. 

“Are you ok?” 

Dean blinks up at him like he’s forgotten how to make words, but eventually he says, “Yeah. ‘m good.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Really good, Cas. Please -- just --” 

“Yes?” Cas says, kissing wetly along his jaw. 

“I don’t know,” Dean says, sounding like he’s about to cry. “Please. Hit me again.” 

“Harder?” 

“Please.” 

“Good boy.”

When Cas sits up, letting go of Dean’s wrists, Dean is smart enough to keep his arms stretched above his head. Cas grabs Dean’s hips to adjust the angle, and Dean cries out, back bowing. Cas is watching Dean careen closer and closer to orgasm, eyes closed and lips parted, cheeks a lovely crimson. He waits until Dean is  _ just there _ before hitting him again, over and over, until Dean shudders and comes between them. 

Cas doesn’t even care about coming at this point, just keeps fucking Dean through his orgasm while he shakes, but Dean looks so fucking perfect it’s not like coming is difficult. It’s incredible, actually, and Cas rides it out grinding deep inside Dean. 

Once they are separated and Cas has done a half-assed job of cleaning them up, Dean goes into his arms. This may be the first time he’s ever done it without being prompted, and Cas smiles, kissing his forehead, his red cheeks. 

Dean smiles back dopily and Cas’s next kiss is gentle to his mouth. “I’m staying tonight,” Cas says. 

This is not something they do, but Dean presses closer and says, “Mmmkay.” 


	8. SOME GREAT PEOPLE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Do you miss being fucked by me?”_
> 
> _Dean laughs. “What the fuck, Cas? Is that why you called?”_
> 
> _“Because I need to hear you come? Yes, that’s why I called.”_

It’s fucking stupid. It’s only been five days, but Dean is missing Cas so intensely he can’t even sleep. He doesn’t know how he went from being straight to addicted to Cas over a handful of months, but here he is. 

They hardly ever text other than to make plans, and Dean can’t come up with anything clever to say via text, anyway (he’s afraid if he even tries to type, all that will come out is something like,  _ I need you back here now _ ), but Cas is going to be in LA for at least another week and Dean can’t possibly wait that long to hear his voice. 

Dean is only a little drunk when he pulls up Cas’s contact and hits the call button. 

Cas picks up on the second ring. “Hello, Dean,” he says, and it sends a ripple down Dean’s spine just like it always does. “Is everything ok? Did you kill my plants already?” 

“Your plants are fine. I just, um. I don’t know.”

“Did something happen?” 

“No, everything is fine. I just thought…” 

In the background but close to the phone, a woman laughs, says, “Who’re you talking to?” 

The sound is muffled by Cas’s hand over the phone but Dean still hears him say, “Just a friend.” 

“Well, hang up and get back here,” she says. She sounds pretty. If it’s possible to sound pretty. (Cas sounds pretty, in the same way a thunderstorm does.) 

“If everything is ok,” Cas says, “I need to go.” 

“Oh, yeah. Of course. Sorry. I guess I’ll -- I guess when you get back into town?” 

“You’ll be the first one to know.” 

There’s a moment right before the call disconnects where Dean hears Cas say, “More wine?” and the woman giggles again and agrees. 

 

Dean is pretty dumb, but not enough so to think he has some kind of monopoly on Cas. He knows Cas still sleeps with Lisa sometimes, and probably other people, too, but Dean has just mostly successfully avoided thinking about it because the idea makes something twist hot and sour in his gut. 

But once Cas said  _ You’re mine _ and Dean has been pretending that maybe Cas is a little his, too. 

It’s late afternoon the next day when he gets a text.

**Cas:** Are you sure everything is ok? You’ve never called me before. 

**Dean:** Sorry, I was drunk. Are you having fun? 

**Cas:** I can’t get much writing done away from home, but I’ve met some great people. 

Dean doesn’t know what to say, so he just doesn’t answer. 

 

A few days later, it’s starting to get late in Dean’s timezone when he gets another text from Cas.

**Cas:** Are you at home? 

**Dean:** Just about to leave your place actually

(Oh, shit. Why did he say that?) 

**Dean:** Mail and stuff

**Cas:** Even better. Can I call you? 

**Dean:** Sure

“Hello, Dean.” 

“Oh. Hey.” 

“You’re still at my apartment?” 

“Yeah.” Dean hopes Cas can’t  _ hear _ him blushing. He tries to figure out what he’ll say if Cas asks why he is there so late, because the truth is that Dean came by on his way home from work, intending to spritz the plants and get out of there, but he ended up curling up on the couch with shitty tv for a few hours. It’s maybe the most pathetic thing he’s ever done, hang around someone’s place just to inhale the scent of them. 

“You miss me, don’t you?” Cas teases. 

“Nah. I mean, you know. Not really.” 

“Do you miss being fucked by me?” 

Dean laughs. “What the fuck, Cas? Is that why you called?” 

“Because I need to hear you come? Yes, that’s why I called.” 

Dean’s laugh fades off into nothing. “It’s only been, like, a week.” 

“Nine days, and  _ I  _ miss fucking you,” Cas says, smirking. “Go to the bed. Unless you don’t want to play?” 

Dean stumbles getting up. “No, I -- I want to. K. I’m in bed now.” 

Cas takes a shaky breath. “Why have I never made you jerk off for me before?”

“Guess we were too busy actually fucking each other.” 

“I’m putting it on the list.” 

Dean undoes his jeans and shoves them along with his boxers down his thighs. “There’s a list?” 

“Mmhmm. A lengthy one. Anything you want to contribute?” 

“Not really.” 

“I can tell when you’re lying, you know,” Cas says, “but we can talk about that later. Is your cock out?” 

“Yeah. Is yours?” 

“Yes. Touch yourself for me. I want to hear you, you make such lovely noises.”

“That’s fucking embarrassing,” Dean says.

“No, it’s not. You like making them for me. You like what I do to you.” 

Dean tries to hum noncommittally, but it ends up coming out a little bit more like a moan at the first few dry strokes of his cock. He grabs the lube out of the drawer (almost gone, time for another order) and wets his hand before wrapping fingers around himself again. 

Cas’s voice  _ does something _ to him, especially when Cas lets out a little moan of his own. He’s not as loud as Dean is by far in bed, but Dean is more than happy to just listen to his breathing speed up on the other end of the line. Cas has never jerked off for Dean, either, and Dean wonders how he likes it when it’s just his own hand. 

“The first thing I plan to do when I get back is ride your cock. It’s been awhile since we did that and I’m having a craving,” Cas says. “So you should think about that.” 

“Ok, yeah, I can do that.” 

“And I want you to choke me. Christ, Dean, you have no idea what you do to me, do you?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Cas laughs breathlessly. “I picked up a straight guy at a bar and now you’re all I can think about.” 

“Cas,” Dean whimpers. 

“I know, I know. I’ll shut up. Just…” Cas sighs, moans quietly. “Let me hear you.” 

Dean speeds up his hand, twisting his wrist at the head, and closes his eyes to imagine Cas’s heavy weight in his lap. They _ haven’t  _ done that in a while -- Dean’s mostly gotten over asking when he wants to be fucked, which is pretty much all the time, and Cas is always more than happy to oblige. Still, there’s something incredible in the roll of Cas’s hips, the way he jerks Dean around by the hair to bite his neck (not that he doesn’t do that all the time), the way he tightens around Dean’s cock when Dean licks at his nipples. 

Dean’s usually pretty quiet when he’s alone, a habit ingrained in him from living in too-close quarters with his father and brother as a kid, but he unclenches his teeth and it’s easier to loosen up with Cas there with him, even if it’s just his voice. “Fuck, Cas,” Dean says. 

“You sound so good,” Cas says. “I can’t wait to be home. The things I want to do to you.” 

Dean laughs a little, breathless, trying to pick a single image of Cas to concentrate on, but it’s impossible with Cas breathing into his ear and every fucking thing they’ve ever done so good he couldn’t possibly pick a favorite. “Fuck,” Dean says again, never particularly eloquent when it comes to Cas. “I -- you -- god, I want you.” 

“Mmm,” Cas says, halfway between approval and a groan.

“Want you to choke on my cock -- fuck -- you’re so good at it, so fucking hot. I wanna come on your face, would you let me?” 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Cas says. “I wish you could come on my face  _ right now _ .” 

Dean’s orgasm sneaks up on him from out of nowhere and suddenly his hand is covered in his own come and he’s shaking. He didn’t even process the sounds he was making, but it must’ve been good, because Cas groans low in his throat and is coming, too. Dean fucking loves that he knows that exact sound Cas makes.

“Holy shit,” Dean says, trying to catch his breath. 

Dean also loves a little bit that he can actually hear the smirk in Cas’s voice. “That good, huh?” 

“Don’t taunt me -- you’re the one who -- holy fuck.” 

“Have you ever done that before? Jerked off with someone over the phone?  _ In my bed _ .” 

“Jesus, no.” 

“Are you going to be polite and at least wash the sheets?” 

“Fuck you, Cas. I didn’t make a mess in your sheets.” 

“If I get home and my bed isn’t made perfectly, I’m going to punish you.” 

“Punish me?” Dean says, trying not to get squeaky about it. 

“Oh, listen to that. That excites you.” 

“Man, I just came. Don’t start again.” 

“Hmm,” Cas says. “I guess I have some other things to add to the list.” 

 

Cas calls again a couple days later. 

“Hello, Dean.” 

“Heya, Cas. What’s up?” 

“What are you doing? I thought you might be in bed already.” 

“Lost track of time at work, just now making dinner.” 

“What are you making?” 

“Just some stir fry thing.” 

“Tofu?” 

“Shut the fuck up. I let you convince me  _ one time _ . One time!”

Cas laughs and Dean grins. “You liked it, though.” 

“I hated every moment.” 

“You like everything I make you do.” 

“Jesus, Cas,” Dean says, heart speeding up. “Are we doing that again?” 

“I wasn’t planning on it. I just, uh, wanted to hear your voice. It’s been a long day.” 

Dean frowns, tilts his head to hold the phone between shoulder and cheek as he dumps vegetables (and chicken, thank you very much) into a bowl. “Everything’s going good out there though, right? You’re going to be all rich and famous?” 

“I think I’m going to wish I’d never written a single word by the time this is over with.” 

“I’m putting you on speaker so I can be gross and eat this while we talk.” 

“You’re always a little gross, hon.” 

Dean blushes. “So, never writing again?” 

“I’m going to become an illiterate pauper. I’ll live under a bridge. Can I borrow your shower once every couple weeks?” 

“Where are you putting all your books?” 

“Can I borrow your apartment for that, too?” 

Dean looks around. He could use more books. “Sure,” he says. 

“Anyway. I don’t want to keep you up. Just wanted to…” Cas sighs and doesn’t finish the sentence. “Goodnight, Dean.” 

“I was just going to hang out for a little bit anyway. I’m not too tired to talk to you.” 

“What are you reading? Start anything good while I’ve been gone?” 

“Oh. Uh. I’ve just been re-reading  _ Leviathan _ .” 

“Are you serious? I never should’ve sent that to you.”

“It’s good,” Dean says defensively. 

“Says the guy who watches Dr. Sexy. You should really grab another book when you’re at my place again. There’s this Joshua Ferris novel called  _ The Unnamed _ . I’m not sure why, but I think you would like it.” 

“There is zero organization of your bookshelves. How am I supposed to find it?” 

“I know exactly where everything is, I’ll have you know. The bookcase in my bedroom to the left of the bed, second or third shelf from the top. On the right side, I’m pretty sure.” 

“If it’s not there, I’m going to organize all your shelves by author and title before you get back.”

“Oh, hey, speaking of. I was planning on just doing Fasten or something but would you want to pick me up from the airport in that ridiculous car of yours?” 

“Baby isn’t ridiculous.” Dean only pouts a little. “But yeah. Saturday, right?” 

“Yes. I could suck your cock in the parking lot.” 

“Cas!” 

“What? You have tinted windows. Or are you afraid to dirty up your  _ baby _ ?” 

“I’m afraid to get  _ arrested _ . “

“No one’s getting arrested. I’ve done it plenty of times before.” 

Dean shuts his eyes, suddenly reminded -- Jesus, how does he keep forgetting in the first place? -- that Cas isn’t his. 

“Dean?” 

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I’ll think about it.” 

“You always say that, and then you always say yes.” 

Dean laughs, but it sounds a little hollow. “You’ve never tried to get me arrested for public indecency before.” 

“Just trust me. You’ll like it.” 

“You’re paying bail.” 


	9. SWEETHEART

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I’m definitely not fucking you in my car.”_
> 
> _“But you are,” Cas says, giving a few rough strokes as he adjusts his position, “going to come in my mouth. No mess on your precious baby that way.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Tags** : Semi-public Sex

Dean’s car  _ is _ completely ridiculous, but at least it’s easy to spot in the line of cars waiting outside the terminal. Cas shoves his suitcase into the backseat and slips into the front. He’d been planning on attacking Dean immediately, at least with a long kiss before he could get him parked somewhere and make good on his promise, but Dean’s on the phone. 

Dean gives Cas a quick glance and mouths  _ just a sec _ . Cas settles back into the seat and just stares at Dean. There are pictures of Dean on his phone, but pictures and memories can only get so far. Even the way Dean  _ smells _ \-- leather and aftershave and a touch of engine grease -- has Cas a little dizzy. 

Dean is laughing, openly, crinkles around the edges of his eyes that Cas thought only he got to see. “Sure, yeah, we’ll -- we’ll make a night of it. Yes, sweetheart, I’ll bring the liquor.” Dean rolls his eyes but he’s still smiling. “I gotta go, my friend just got here. Text me later and we’ll set it up.” 

Dean grins sideways at Cas. “How was your flight?” 

“Who was that?” 

“On the phone? Benny.” 

“I haven’t heard about Benny before.”

Dean shrugs. “We didn’t meet that long ago. It’s not like, you know. You don’t know everything about my life.” 

They spend practically every evening together. Cas has overheard Dean’s phone calls with his brother, listened to Dean read his best friend’s text messages out loud, laughed at Dean’s impersonations of Kevin and Garth from work. But then Cas leaves town for a couple of weeks and there’s  _ Benny _ . 

Cas looks out the window. “Circle around to the cell phone lot.” 

“Are you serious?” 

“Dean, I just spent a three-hour flight with a very uncomfortable hard-on thinking about sucking your cock, so yes, I’m serious. Watch the road before you kill us.” 

Dean almost keeps driving to the highway, but switches lanes at the last second and pulls into the parking lot. He picks a spot at the far end, away from most of the other cars and the glare of streetlights. “Cas, I really don’t think --” 

Cas has no intention of letting him finish, just grabs Dean by the hair and jerks him over for a hard, claiming kiss. Dean hesitates for a moment before catching on and kissing back, his tongue hot in Cas’s mouth, hands reaching for Cas’s hips. “Put the seat back,” Cas says, tugging on Dean’s hair again to get to his neck, biting all Dean’s favorite places to be bitten. 

“Don’t -- fuck -- don’t give me a hickey, Cas -- not there.” 

“Anywhere else I want though?” 

Dean laughs. “Yeah, just, some of us have  _ jobs _ .” 

“Hmm,” Cas says, pulling the collar of Dean’s t-shirt aside to suck along the top of one shoulder. “You could always get a scarf.” 

“I’m not -- shit, I’m not getting a scarf.” 

Cas sucks another mark next to the first one, makes a mental note to cover Dean in them the next time they see each other so there’s no question who Dean belongs to. Cas reaches down to rub his palm along Dean’s dick and gets to work on his jeans. “So eager,” Cas says up against his ear. 

“Fuck you, man,” Dean says. 

Cas pauses, hand in Dean’s boxers, just shy of touching his cock. “We could do that,” Cas says. “Do you have lube and a condom?” 

“Don’t you? Wait, it doesn’t matter. I’m definitely not fucking you in my car.” 

“But you are,” Cas says, giving a few rough strokes as he adjusts his position, “going to come in my mouth. No mess on your precious baby that way.” 

Cas has been waiting too long to torture them by taking it slow; he just licks his lips and takes all of Dean into his mouth at once. “Oh!” Dean says, hips bucking upwards. “Jesus, Jesus, Cas.” 

Cas hums appreciatively, already high on the taste of Dean, the weight of him, the way he slides into Cas’s throat like he was meant to be there. One of Dean’s hands ends up on Cas’s head, carding his fingers through his hair almost gently. Cas really missed those kinds of touches, too.

Outside their little world, Cas can hear cars coming and going in and out of the lot, can see the lights moving from behind his eyelids, but he’s pretty sure Dean has forgotten completely that they aren’t exactly alone. Dean’s breath is harsh and he’s hitching his hips upwards to meet the downward stroke of Cas’s mouth. Cas introduces a little bit of teeth, grazing up the underside, and Dean jerks underneath him. “Holy fuck, your mouth -- don’t stop, don’t stop.” 

Cas rolls his eyes a little and sucks harder. He can feel Dean getting harder in his mouth, Dean’s whole body tightening as he gets closer to coming. Cas reaches down and presses his hand against his own clothed cock, trying to relieve some of the heavy pressure that’s been there for hours. It’s not particularly effective, but it was just an afterthought, anyway, most of him just concentrating on giving Dean the best fucking blowjob of his life. 

Cas knows he’s good at this, has had plenty of men come back for more, and he knows  _ Dean _ thinks he’s good at it, but that could be just the novelty of being sucked by someone who actually knows what it feels like. Cas has never held out on Dean before, but hearing Dean call someone else  _ sweetheart _ gives Cas a little motivation to make it extra good. He uses a little more teeth, toeing the line between “oh, fuck, Cas” and the bad kind of pain, just like Dean likes everything, blurring the line between exquisite pleasure and something a little darker. 

Dean’s hand clenches in his hair. “Cas -- gonna come, Cas --” 

Cas moans and swallows around Dean’s cock, and Dean punches the steering wheel hard enough for the horn to go off, impossibly loud, and then Dean is coming in Cas’s mouth in hot, thick spurts. Cas swallows but keeps sucking, knows exactly how long he can prolong Dean’s pleasure before it’s too much. 

Cas sits up and gives Dean a filthy kiss, passing some of Dean’s come into his mouth. It surprised Cas the first time, but Dean fucking loves this, pushing his tongue deeper into Cas to taste more of himself there. 

Cas pulls away, but not far, just smiling softly at Dean. “I missed you,” Cas says. 

Dean opens his mouth to respond, and then a Texas-sized truck pulls into the spot next to them. “Oh, shit,” Dean says, struggling to tuck himself back into his jeans with hands that are shaking at least a little. He glances around, eyes a little wild, and notices there’s a car parked on the other side now, too. “Shit, do you think they saw?”  

“Probably,” Cas says, laughing as he settles back to his side of the seat. “But they stayed for the show, so whose fault is that?” 

“Yours,” Dean grumbles. 

Before putting on his seat belt, Cas leans back over to drop a lingering kiss on Dean’s cheek. “You liked it.” 

“Yeah, whatever,” Dean says, pulling out of the parking lot with unnecessary speed. “I’m never doing that again.” 

“Never say never, hon,” Cas says, smirking. 

Dean glances sideways sharply but doesn’t say anything else. Cas is happy to wait him out, though, and by the time they’re halfway back to Cas’s apartment, Dean’s hand is on Cas’s knee, not even remotely a sexual touch but one Cas feels all the way to his core anyway. 


	10. NOT PARTICULARLY BECOMING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I want to tie you up and fuck you with my tongue. Until you scream, preferably.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Tags** : Choking, Light Bondage

“Wait,  _ what _ ?” 

“I want to tie you up and fuck you with my tongue. Until you scream, preferably.” 

“I don’t think…” Dean isn’t sure where to go with that thought, blushing hotly and trying (mostly failing) not to imagine it. 

Cas shifts behind him, sitting up on an elbow to look down at his face. Dean doesn’t turn his head to look back. “Which part are you objecting to?” 

“You never wanted to tie me up before. And the other thing. I mean, isn’t it… um, dirty?” 

Cas nuzzles up against his neck, leaves a soft kiss over a place where Dean can still feel the indentations of teeth marks. “Take a shower, idiot. You’re covered in come right now anyway.  _ That’s _ dirty.” 

“It’s mostly yours!”

“And I loved putting it there,” Cas says, kissing up the side of Dean’s neck.

“Stop trying to distract me.” 

Cas sighs and flops backwards. Dean is immediately cold all the places they were touching. “I thought you might be less self-conscious about enjoying yourself if you were tied up. If I were… in control.” 

Dean’s shoulders tense. They don’t talk about this, the flutter that happens in Dean’s chest when Cas tells him what to do, the way it intensifies when Cas strokes his cheek and tells Dean he’s been  _ good _ . Dean doesn’t have any idea how to ask for more of that, but in so many fantasies these days, he’s just kneeling at Cas’s feet with Cas fucking his face and saying  _ good boy _ .

Dean relives that moment a lot, sometimes at extremely inopportune work moments, and every time it flashes through his mind he’s sure everyone around him can see it. 

“Dean?” Cas says quietly, a hand running down Dean’s spine. “I’m sorry. That was too much to ask.” 

“No, it -- it’s fine.” 

“No one ever means it when they say something is ‘fine.’ What are you thinking about?” 

“Do you like it? Being licked like that?” 

“Yes, but I’m not asking for that.” 

Dean rolls over to look at Cas, then concentrates on the ceiling again. “If you really wanted to. I mean. We could try it? You doing it to me?” 

Cas kisses his shoulder over a fading mark from days ago. It was the last one he left, suddenly gentler with his mouth as the weekend approaches. Dean wavers between thankful and kinda grumpy about it -- it’s not like he needs Benny seeing him covered in mouth-shaped bruises (and Cas has, at various times during their friendship,  _ covered _ Dean in them), but he also likes the tangible reminder of his time spent with Cas. He likes to press his fingers into them through his clothes during the day, just for the twinge of pain that goes with it. (Maybe if he didn’t do that so much, he wouldn’t always be thinking about Cas’s cock and would get more done.) 

Dean turns his head back towards Cas and finds his mouth for a kiss. Cas’s hand slides into Dean’s hair, tugs gently like a tease, but Cas breaks away before Dean is ready for him to. Cas says, “Shower time, mon cheri.” 

 

Dean scrubs down, rolling his eyes at Cas’s all-natural organic whatever body wash and shampoo. It smells good on Cas,  _ really _ good, but it’s a little too… Austin… for Dean’s taste. 

Even after he’s sufficiently clean, Dean stands under the too-hot water for a long time, just leaning up against the wall and listening to the pounding of water on tile. He stands there long enough, completely outside his head, that Cas knocks gently on the doorframe and comes into the bathroom. “Dean?” 

Dean jumps, slips and nearly kills himself. “Yeah, I’m -- yeah?” 

“You’ve been in there awhile. Can I come in?” 

“Sure,” Dean says. 

Cas pulls back the shower curtain, momentarily spraying water all over the floor, and steps in next to Dean. This would never work in Dean’s tiny shower, but Cas actually has a pretty nice place with a nice, big tub-shower combo. “Shit, that’s hot,” Cas says. 

“I know, it’s bad for your delicate skin.” 

“Shut up and kiss me.” 

Dean grabs Cas by the hips and pulls him close, giving him a long, slow kiss, and then another, and then Cas pulls away to rub his cheek against Dean’s neck. “Mm, I like when you smell like me.” 

Dean laughs, but yeah, ok, maybe he kind of likes it, too. “You like everything about me.” 

There’s a pause before Cas says, “Your arrogance is not particularly becoming.” 

Dean laughs again and reaches around Cas. “Close your eyes and I’ll shampoo you.” 

Cas shuts his eyes, obedient for once, and Dean lathers him up. Dean has started to really love touching Cas this way, not just fucking but  _ intimate _ , and it scares the shit out of him. Sometimes Dean wants to spend all day just touching Cas, kissing his ankles, rubbing the knots out of his neck, nuzzling into his hair. Sometimes he thinks maybe Cas would let him.

Cas sighs, hands dropping to rest on Dean’s hips as he relaxes into Dean’s hands. “I should make you do this for me all the time,” Cas says. 

“Whenever you want,” Dean says, nudging him back under the spray to rinse. 

When Cas’s eyes open, his eyes are soft and fond and it takes Dean’s breath away, pulse racing like the first time Cas kissed him. 

“Um,” Dean says, looking away. “Want me to wash you too?” 

“Yes.” 

Dean takes even longer with Cas than he did with himself, circling slowly, watching drops of water and soap bubbles sliding down Cas’s body, wanting to follow them with his hands and tongue. 

“We’ve never fucked in the shower,” Cas says. 

“We’ve never taken a shower together before at all,” Dean says. “And anyway, shower sex is complicated. Slippery. Someone might get hurt.” 

Cas smirks. “Some of us  _ like _ to get hurt.” 

“Don’t, Cas.” (Dean can’t stop thinking about that, either, the way he could feel Cas’s hand on his face for days. He kept checking in the mirror to make sure he wasn’t sporting handprint-shaped bruises and was always a little disappointed to find he wasn’t.) 

“Hey,” Cas says, frowning and touching Dean’s chin so Dean will look at him. “It’s just us, remember? Nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“Yeah. I -- I know.”

“Do you feel clean enough yet?” 

“Well, I’m not covered in jizz anymore so, yeah, I feel cleaner.” 

“Don’t say that word ever again.” 

Dean grins, and Cas grins back, and Dean can’t hold back from kissing him again, backing Cas into the wall to feel his body pressed against Dean’s. They’ve both already come a few times, but Cas is getting hard again fast. Dean wraps one hand around Cas’s cock and the other goes to Cas’s neck, feeling the flutter of heartbeat just under his ear. “Can I?” 

“You don’t have to ask.” 

Dean kisses Cas again, tongues sliding together in the way that makes Dean dizzy, and Dean starts to stroke him, base to tip, a little rough like Cas likes it. “Don’t stop looking at me, ok, Cas?” 

“You know I won’t.” 

Dean waits, just caressing his fingers down Cas’s neck, watching his face. Cas stares right back, not breaking eye contact even as his cheeks start to flush and his lips part. Dean licks his lips. Cas’s gaze drifts for the briefest moment down to Dean’s mouth, and then his eyes are back on Dean’s.

“Now,” Cas whispers, and Dean steals his air. 

Jesus, there’s something extra beautiful about Cas like this, so willingly vulnerable under Dean’s hand. Cas digs his nails into Dean’s arms, not the  _ stop _ tap but the  _ oh fuck that’s good _ grab, and Dean smiles. 

Dean never goes quite as long as Cas probably wants him to, but it doesn’t really matter because Cas comes fast and hard with Dean’s hand around his throat. Dean lets up immediately, replacing his hand with his mouth like he owes apology kisses, even as he keeps touching Cas’s twitching dick. 

Cas laughs, giddy, like he always does after Dean has choked him. 

“Great,” Dean says. “Now I’m covered in your come again. I hope it was worth it.” 

“Definitely.” 

 

“Go grab us a couple of beers. I got the Fire Eagle for you but I want a Peacemaker.” 

“Bossy,” Dean says, throwing his towel at Cas’s head. 

Dean’s quick about it, always eager to get back to Cas’s bed, but he pauses in the doorway, nearly dropping the beers. “Jesus, what is that?” 

“Oh, did we nix the tying up thing?” 

“No, I just… you have  _ props _ ?” 

“A few.” 

“Did you ever plan on showing me?” 

Cas shrugs. “You never asked.” 

Dean manages the ability to move again, holding Cas’s beer out to him. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I should ask about your sex toy collection.” 

Cas pops the tab and takes a long drink, then licks his lips in a way he has to know is extremely distracting. “Do you have any?” 

“What? No!” 

Cas takes another drink, then snags the beer out of Dean’s hand and puts them both on the night stand. There are red marks around Cas’s neck; Dean thinks he may have squeezed too hard. 

“Dean, do you trust me?” 

Dean blinks. “Yeah?” 

“Enough to let me cuff you?” 

Dean looks at the leather cuffs, then back at Cas. “Yeah. I do.” 

Cas nods at the bed. “Face down, ass up.” 

“Oh, fuck you,” Dean says, but of course he does as he’s told. 

“Arms above your head.” 

Dean reaches upwards. He can’t see Cas anyway so he closes his eyes, inhaling Cas’s scent from the pillow under his head. Gentler than is probably necessary, Cas buckles the cuffs around one wrist and then the other, the chain between them looped around one of the slats in the headboard. 

“Is that too tight?” 

“No, it’s fine.” 

“Tell me if anything starts to hurt.” 

“Ok.” 

Dean has been in this position a million times with Cas, and it always makes him a little shy to be put on display, but the feeling sits heavier in his gut with his arms immobile. Cas leans down and murmurs into his ear, “You’re so fucking gorgeous. I love that I get to have you like this.” 

Dean shivers but settles as one of Cas’s hands trace through the hairs on the back of Dean’s head and down his spine. Cas follows with his mouth, slow tongue kisses that makes pebbles rise up Dean’s arms, and Dean has forgotten to be nervous by the time Cas is kissing over the rounded globes of Dean’s ass. 

“Cas,” Dean murmurs, spine stretching as he relaxes into the cuffs around his wrists. 

“Yes, sweetheart?” 

Just louder than a breath, Dean says, “Please.” 

Cas climbs in bed behind Dean, taps the inside of his thigh. “Wider.” 

Dean shifts and Cas hums in approval. Cas gently spreads Dean’s cheeks apart but doesn’t do anything else for long moments. Dean can feel Cas’s eyes on him and blushes, fighting the urge to squirm away. Dean knows people think he’s attractive, generally, but no one else’s gaze has ever been as heavy as Cas’s. 

The next thing Dean feels is a warm rush of air over his hole, and then the tip of Cas’s tongue circling lightly. 

“Shit,” Dean says.

“Relax.” 

“Ok. Ok,” Dean says, exhaling slowly. 

Dean jerks again when Cas’s tongue is back on his skin, just another tease, before Cas moves down and tongues at the soft spot just behind Dean’s balls. Cas’s tongue moves, slow and hot and wet, up to lick fully over Dean’s hole and Dean gasps. The next lick is just as slow, and the third ends with a flick like Cas’s tongue is thinking about going  _ in _ him. 

“Cas!” 

“Do you want me to stop?” 

Dean honestly can’t tell if this is a genuine question or if Cas is being a shithead. Maybe a little bit of both. “Jesus, no, don’t stop.” 

Cas bites one ass cheek sharply and then his tongue is on Dean again, not teasing, just giving, slicking Dean up with spit until Dean can feel it sliding over his balls. Still, it seems like forever before Cas’s tongue actually dips inside Dean, stiffening to barely press past the little pucker of muscle before it withdraws and Cas gives another flat lick. 

“Oh -- fuck, god, Cas,” Dean says, his back arching to present himself better to Cas. 

“Mmm,” Cas says, sitting back to circle a thumb over Dean’s wet hole. “I knew you would like it.” 

“Fine, fine, you’re always right, just -- please, more.” 

Cas presses close again. Dean can feel the scrape of his stubble along the sensitive skin of Dean’s inner thighs, and that’s pretty awesome in its own right, but it’s nothing like the tongue slowly working him open. By the time Cas’s tongue is in him again, Dean is whining and pulling at the cuffs, trying for the leverage to rock back into Cas’s face. 

Cas’s hands spread Dean wider and during the next lick, he seals his mouth over Dean’s hole and sucks. Dean has never felt anything like it and is only dimly aware of the pre-come dripping underneath him, focused so completely on the pleasure Cas is offering with his mouth. 

Dean loses track of time for awhile. It’s not the kind of intensity needed to get him off, more just a delicious slow-build that has him trembling with need but loving it too much to beg for anything else. At some point he comes back into himself to realize he’s just saying  _ Cas, Cas _ over and over, voice breaking even just in whispers. In that moment Dean can hear the obscene noises of Cas’s mouth on him and almost shies away, flushing hotly to realize he is  _ losing his mind _ over a tongue in his ass, but then Cas makes a little humming noise that might as well be saying  _ good boy _ and Dean relaxes back into him. 

Cas pulls back and Dean listens to Cas sucking his own fingers before sliding one and then two into Dean. It’s drier than Dean usually likes but he’s so relaxed from Cas’s tongue that his body doesn’t object at all. He just pushes backwards to take them deeper. 

Cas’s long lovely fingers slide in and out of him a few times, then withdraw almost completely to gently pull Dean’s rim open. Cas slides his tongue between them, deeper inside than before, and Dean actually wails. “So fucking good, Cas, so fucking good, please.” 

“Please what? What do you want?” 

“I --” Whatever Dean thought he was going to say leaves his head completely as Cas’s tongue dives back in, wiggling deeper, making Dean’s vision go white. “ _ Cas _ ,” Dean says, jerking at the cuffs. 

Cas pulls his fingers out and goes back to sucking on Dean’s hole while his tongue pushes in and out of him. Still using one hand to hold Dean spread open, Cas’s other hand wraps around Dean’s cock and starts to jack him. There’s more than enough pre-come to smooth the way and Cas’s grip is tantalizingly tight and sure. Dean is careening back and forth between the two sensations, incapable of focusing on both or one or either, just strung out on want and need. If he hadn’t already come three (three? or maybe it was four?) times tonight, he thinks he probably could’ve come from Cas’s tongue alone. 

When it happens, it’s  _ explosive _ . Cas’s tongue goes deep as his hand twists over the head of Dean’s cock, and Dean is coming hard and hot all over Cas’s fist, riding backwards shamelessly on Cas’s face. 

Cas lets go of Dean’s dick first, continuing to lick at Dean’s fluttering hole as the orgasm fades away. Dean’s panting and having trouble coming out from under the haze of arousal, but he recognizes as Cas unbuckles the cuffs that his shoulders are uncomfortably stiff and his hands are a little numb. He still doesn’t move for long, blissed-out moments. 

Dean manages to get his arms back under himself and collapses on his side. He’s glad he managed to fall facing away from Cas, though he didn’t have a lot of control over it in the moment, because Dean isn’t sure he can look at Cas after that. 

Cas tucks up behind him, stroking a hand down Dean’s side while kissing the back of his neck. “How was it?” 

“‘How was it,’” Dean mimics. “Stop being an asshole.” 

Cas laughs and pinches Dean gently. “Do you want to stay tonight? You can make us breakfast in the morning.” 

“ _ I _ can make us breakfast? I can make  _ myself _ breakfast at my place.” 

Dean feels Cas shrug behind him. “Fine, make yourself breakfast.” 

“I mean.” Dean turns partially over so he can glance at Cas, but then looks away again. “If you want me to? I could. I have to go to work so we’d have to get up early.” 

“I know you think I just sit around smoking weed all day, but I do have a schedule just like everyone else. I’m probably up before you are.” 

“Well. We could get up extra early and you could fuck my face before breakfast,” Dean says. He’s flushed red before the words have even left his mouth, but he’s resolute about not looking away. 

“Face fucking  _ and _ breakfast? Absolutely not. Leave at once.” Cas’s smile softens and he kisses Dean, slow and sweet. “Come on, let’s get cleaned up. I have an extra toothbrush somewhere.”

 

Sleeping next to Cas is really fucking easy, even when Cas starts snoring lightly, even when Cas steals all the blankets and then manages to crowd so close he nearly shoves Dean off the bed. Dean doesn’t mind at all, not when Cas’s arm is wrapped around him with his hand flat and possessive over Dean’s heart. 


	11. INTERLUDE #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Maybe it’s the whiskey that has him completely oblivious to the noises coming from inside Cas’s place all through three tries to get the key in the hole and turn the lock, but Dean’s confronted with it as soon as he enters the apartment: Cas has some guy shoved face-down on the couch and is fucking him from behind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Tags** : Impure Destiel

Dean had enough to drink over dinner that maybe he shouldn’t have driven, but he couldn’t imagine going anywhere other than Cas’s, so it’s not like he was going to let someone else play DD and take him home. 

Maybe it’s the whiskey that has him completely oblivious to the noises coming from inside Cas’s place all through three tries to get the key in the hole and turn the lock, but Dean’s confronted with it as soon as he enters the apartment: Cas has some guy shoved face-down on the couch and is fucking him from behind. 

Dean has had his hands all over Cas’s back while Cas fucks him a million times, felt every ripple and roll of muscle underneath his fingertips, but never has he been able to see the sinuous movement of Cas’s body as he moves inside someone. It’s so beautiful that Dean doesn’t even process what he’s seeing for a long moment, but then the man underneath Cas lets out a choked moan and Cas says, “Good boy,” and Dean drops the bag full of food he was carrying. 

Cas and the other guy both jerk around, Cas’s cock coming free with an obscene wet noise. “Dean,” Cas says, a little out of breath. 

Dean can’t take his eyes off the guy on the couch, now fumbling to cover himself with a pillow. 

“Inias,” Cas says, “give us a minute, will you?” 

Inias stumbles towards the bathroom, couch cushion still held over his crotch. 

“I should’ve texted,” Dean says. His voice sounds like it’s coming from outside himself, or maybe he’s hearing it from outside himself. The words don’t belong to him and can barely be heard over the buzzing in his ears.

“I thought you were out with Benny et al tonight,” Cas says. 

“I was. I just. Thought. You might be hungry.” 

Cas pulls off the condom, tosses it in the general direction of a trash can. “Thank you. That’s very sweet.” 

“I’m sorry. Fuck. I -- I gotta go.” 

Cas bends down and picks up the bag of food from Dean’s feet. “You’ve been drinking. Let me give you a ride home.” 

“No, I.” Dean laughs, a little hysterically. “Wouldn’t want to interrupt.” 

“It’s not a big deal,” Cas says. “I can see Inias any time. Your safety is a little more important.” 

“Any time. Right. No, I’m fine. You just, ah -- continue. As you were. I’ll talk to you later.” 

Dean hurries out of the apartment and has never been thankful for anything more when Cas doesn’t try to follow. He shoves the Impala into Drive a little rougher than necessary and drives a little faster than usual to get back to his own place. 

Dean is glad as hell of the bottle of Jack sitting on top of his fridge and he does a couple shots standing at the kitchen counter before taking the bottle and shot glass into his bedroom. His phone beeps and, because he hates himself, Dean checks it. 

**Cas:** I know you’re upset but please let me know when you make it home ok. 

**Dean:** I’m home already. What would I be upset about? 

**Cas:** Inias is just a friend. We haven’t seen each other in a long time. 

**Dean:** That’s how I greet my friends too 

Dean drinks some more. 

On the way to Cas’s, he’d been kind of tired, enough so that he’d been hoping to just curl up next to Cas and fall asleep and wake up with warm breath tickling the back of his neck, but now the only thing he can see is Cas’s eyes, wide and dark for someone else, and there’s no way he could sleep with that at the forefront of his mind.

_ Good boy _ . Jesus, Dean is so fucking stupid. He should’ve known better than to grow complacent with Cas’s kisses and laughter and bruises, should’ve known better than to let his guard down enough to feel… fuck,  _ special _ . His whole life, Dean had been lonely, at least until Cas put his hands on him. But it had been a joke. Anyone could be  _ good boy _ to Cas, apparently, and obviously whatever Dean had to offer wasn’t enough. 

Dean’s phone beeps and he ignores it in lieu of taking another shot. Well, two. Well, three. He wishes he couldn’t hold liquor quite as well as he can; now would be a nice time to black out. 

Dean presses his thumb into a bruise over his hip. (It’s a big, dark one, enough so that Benny even said something about it the last time they were sitting around Benny and Andrea’s pool. “Your lady is a little toothy, huh?” Dean blushed and tried to shrug it off, but Benny kept flashing him sly, knowing grins all day.) Dean wonders if Inias has bruises, too, if Inias is as pathetic as Dean, begging to be marked up so he can walk around pretending to belong to Cas. 

Hell. Dean  _ does _ belong to Cas, it’s just Cas that doesn’t belong to Dean or anyone else. Cas described himself as an  _ ethical hedonist _ to Dean once, and Dean suddenly understands that means Cas’s pleasure doesn’t answer to anyone.

There’s evidence of Cas everywhere in Dean’s apartment. Dean’s pillows smell a little like Cas’s hair and there’s a small pile of dirty clothes of Cas’s in the corner and there’s the hint of weed in the air and Dean now has a copy of every one of Cas’s books sitting on his shelf (Cas groaned and begged Dean to burn them). Dean’s pretty sure he must not have made any impact on Cas’s life, certainly nothing as tangible as clothes and books and scent.

Dean drinks. There wasn’t a lot left in the bottle but it’s suddenly empty and he’s disappointed. It’s too late to have anything delivered and he’s not in any state to find a liquor store himself, but -- well, Cas to the fucking rescue, because when Dean had pulled something in his back a few weeks prior, Cas brought by a handful of oxycontins that Dean couldn’t take because they knocked him the fuck out.

(“Why do you even have this?” Dean asked, and Cas said, “Weed will always be my first love, but I’ve got plenty of love to go around.”) 

Cas told him to only take half, but Dean pops a whole one, chugging most of a glass of water at the same time. He takes his clothes off and puts on one of Cas’s t-shirts from the pile in the corner. It smells like nag champa. 

Sleep doesn’t sneak up but snatches Dean, so one moment he’s wide awake and the next, he’s dreaming vividly of Cas, his hands all over someone else. 


	12. NOT-NOT-PLEASURABLE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Do you ever top?”_
> 
> _“I usually top.”_
> 
> _“...Oh,” Dean says. “But with me, you’re fine with, um, not?”_
> 
> _“I’m fine with what we’ve been doing, yes. Unless you’re curious. Are you curious?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **this is a flashback**

“Do you mind if I smoke in here? Or should I go outside? I thought I brought my vape pen with me but all I have is my one-hitter.”

“No, that’s cool. Are you going to offer to share?”

Cas pauses his fiddling with a little glass piece and his grinder to glance over his shoulder at Dean. “This is pretty strong,” Cas says. “If you get too messed up you won’t be able to fuck me again.”

Dean runs a single fingertip down Cas’s spine. “One hit.”

“I’m certainly not going to _deny_ you,” Cas says, grinning as he hands the piece and lighter off to Dean. “Greens for you, handsome.”

Dean blushes and rolls his eyes and sits up to take a hit. He tries to take it easy so as to not make an idiot of himself coughing like last time, but is only half successful. Cas laughs, hits, empties the bowl of ash, repacks, hits again. Dean holds his hand out but Cas shakes his head. “Give it a minute and see how you feel.”

“I feel good. Come here.”

Cas sets his travel kit on the bedside table and turns back towards Dean, leaning over to kiss him. Dean’s always been a fan of kissing, but with Cas it’s somehow _more_. Cas’s kisses are hot and rough and always a little wild, always turning Dean’s world upside-down with every swipe of his tongue, and this one isn’t an exception.

Cas bites one of Dean’s nipples while he rolls a condom on him. “Almost out,” Cas says, “remind me after this to Prime some more.”

“You can Prime condoms?”

“An entire fishbowl of them in two hours,” Cas says, smirking as he sinks down on Dean’s cock. “Miracles of modern life.”

“Jesus,” Dean says, grabbing Cas’s hips as Cas starts to rock onto Dean.

Being inside Cas is fucking amazing. Dean’s done anal with women before, and objectively he thinks it must feel basically the same, but nothing has ever been quite like this. Cas is tight and hot and slick and _so fucking good_. Dean’s never had a problem with stamina but Cas regularly makes him want to come in about thirty seconds.

Cas pinches Dean’s nipples -- both at the same time -- hard and Dean gasps, hips jerking deeper into the heat of Cas’s body.

The next time Cas rises up, Dean manages to get his feet under himself so he can thrust upwards to meet Cas’s downstroke, and Cas groans quietly, his fingers digging half-moons into Dean’s chest. “ _Fuck_ , you have a nice cock,” Cas says.

“Kiss me,” Dean says, reaching for him.

They kiss for a long time, though eventually Dean holds Cas’s hips still so Dean can just fuck up into him, deep but not too rough, and they just pant into each other’s mouths, trading soft moans and gasps and whispered encouragements.

“Touch me, Dean.”

Cas’s cock is hard between them, making a slippery mess of their stomachs, and Dean wraps a hand around it while the other stays at Cas’s hip, holding him in place. At the first rub of Dean’s fingers over the head of Cas’s cock, Cas clenches down tighter around Dean. Dean knew to expect it, happens every damn time, but it still knocks the breath out of him. “Cas,” Dean moans.

“Feel good?”

“Yeah, fuck.”

“Are you going to come for me?” Cas says.

It’s the _for me_ tacked onto the end of this question that always does Dean in. He tugs Cas’s hip to adjust the angle so he can get deeper and they both moan together. “Fuck -- yes, yeah -- but you first,” Dean says.

“Maybe I want to come in your mouth,” Cas says, and _Jesus_ , Dean’s coming without even having realized he was that close.

Cas rides him through it, grinding down to milk more out of Dean’s cock, only stopping when Dean relaxes back into the bed.

Grinning, Cas says, “I didn’t realize you would be _that_ excited.”

Dean looks away. He’s only sucked Cas a handful of times, only made him come that way twice, but the first time was like a religious experience. It made him wonder what else he was missing out on. But still. Getting off to the idea of a guy coming in his mouth. How fucked up is that.

Cas kisses his forehead and then his mouth. “It was just a thought.”

“No, I -- please. Please, Cas.”

Cas pulls off Dean, tosses the condom, and then straddles Dean’s shoulders, holding his cock over Dean’s lips. Dean sticks his tongue out to lick the tip, then lifts up his head to take the crown of Cas’s dick into his mouth. The angle is weird, but then Cas shifts his hips and it goes from just the head of him to _most_ of him in Dean’s mouth. Dean chokes and Cas backs off immediately, stroking Dean’s hair and saying, “Sorry, sorry.”

Dean glances upwards. “It’s ok,” he says, and focuses back on Cas’s dick.

Cas stays still after that. The angle is really awkward and pretty uncomfortable before too long, but Dean stops noticing about the time Cas starts letting out these breathy groans, stomach tensing under Dean’s hand. Cas wraps fingers in Dean’s hair and jerks; Dean is caught by surprise and moans, wondering why he never noticed how good that feels before.

“Dean,” Cas murmurs. “I’m going to come if you keep doing that. Is that ok?”

Dean nods eagerly, starting to stroke the base of Cas’s cock in time with the working of his lips and tongue. He’s not sure he really has enough coordination to do this well, but Cas fills and twitches and then pulses inside Dean’s mouth after only another minute.

The taste is an acquired one, but Dean acquired it pretty fucking quick considering how wired in he is to Cas’s pleasure, and it floods his senses so hard and fast he feels an echo of his own orgasm shiver through him.

Cas withdraws his cock from Dean’s mouth, rubbing the last bit of come against Dean’s bottom lip with the tip as he goes. Dean licks and bites at his lip, trying not to miss a single drop. When he looks up again, Cas is staring down at him with dark eyes. “Jesus Christ, Dean.”

Dean blushes. Cas climbs off of him, slumping up against the wall at the head of Dean’s bed, and he grabs one of Dean’s hands and tugs, so Dean turns to his side and tucks up against Cas’s hip, pressing a gentle kiss to Cas’s side.

Cas catches his breath and then smokes some more, managing to do it single-handedly so one hand can stay stroking Dean’s hair.

Dean falls asleep, but only for a handful of minutes, just lulled by Cas’s touch, the sound of his heartbeat close by.

“Cas?”

“Mmm?” Cas shifts and slides down so he’s face-to-face with Dean, blinking at him slowly.

“Do you, um,” Dean says, flushing a little. “You like getting fucked, right?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Cas tilts his head. “It feels good.”

“Like… how?”

“It’s definitely different than topping, but it’s a very real, sexual kind of pleasure. I wouldn’t do it if it didn’t feel good.”

“Do you ever top?”

“I usually top.”

“...Oh,” Dean says. “But with me, you’re fine with, um, not?”

“I’m fine with what we’ve been doing, yes. Unless you’re curious. Are you curious?”

Dean looks down. His hand is on Cas’s hip and Cas’s hand is laying over the top of it, their fingers kind of woven together. “I guess. Not really. Maybe.”

Cas laughs and nudges his nose against Dean’s. “Don’t be embarrassed. We can try anything you want.”

“ _Anything_ I want?”

“No golden showers. Or knives. I’m not big on knives.”

“Fuck you, Cas,” Dean says, laughing. Cas grins back, and Dean tries to hitch a ride on that for bravery. “So, like. If I were curious. We could just… try it?”

“Two fingers. If you don’t like it, we’ll never speak of it again.”

Dean looks down at Cas’s hand again. Cas has pretty hands, a pianist’s long, slender fingers. Dean’s had them in his mouth before but never thought about having them anywhere else. (Well, hasn’t thought about it _that much_.) “Ok, yeah. Let’s do that.”

“Tomorrow, though,” Cas says, groaning and pushing himself to a sitting position. “It’s getting late.”

Dean could invite Cas to stay. The next day is Saturday so it’s not like anything else is going to happen in his life between now and seeing Cas sometime Saturday evening. They could just stay in bed and fuck all day instead of whatever lonely bullshit Dean does when he’s away from Cas. Instead of saying that, Dean checks his phone. “Shit, it’s almost three.”

“Time is a flat circle,” Cas says.

“Sometimes I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.”

Cas laughs and Dean only stares a little as he re-dresses. Cas is intensely gorgeous without clothes on and not much better with. At least his hip bones are less distracting covered up in a couple layers of clothing, though Dean can still _imagine_ them.

Cas packs his weed stuff back into his leather bag and then leans over Dean to kiss him. “I’ve got a lot of writing to catch up on but text me tomorrow.”

“Bye, baby.”

Cas gives him one last kiss on the forehead. “Bye.”

 

Dean usually cooks on the weekends, and he almost texts Cas to invite him to come by earlier than usual to eat, too, but he stops himself. That’s weird, right? Dean has never had a longer-term fuckbuddy so he’s not entirely sure, but he doesn’t think eating dinner together is as per usual in the “just fucking” world. And he’s definitely not trying to give Cas any ideas.

Cas doesn’t end up coming over until late, anyway. “Sorry,” he says when Dean lets him in the door. “I lost track of time. Sometimes I sit down and it’s like five minutes later I look up and it’s dark and I haven’t eaten all day. At least I was lucky enough to actually make words today.”

“Wait, you haven’t eaten?”

“No, I came straight here.”

Cas grabs Dean by the wrist and pulls him in for a kiss. “No, no, no,” Dean says, backing up a step. “I made a pasta thing for dinner tonight, let me feed you.”

Cas rolls his eyes, laughing. “I’m pretty munchy so I’m not going to say no to food, but it’s really not necessary.”

Dean drags Cas into the kitchen by the hand. “Sit,” he says, pointing at the little table. “You’re not a vegetarian, are you?”

“Yes, and I do have a mild grape allergy.”

"There's chicken but I can pick it out. Unless you're like, really hardcore about it." Dean digs through the fridge, pulls out a tupperware and starts loading up a bowl. “And no one is allergic to grapes, by the way.”

Cas sniffs. “I am, and I'm not particularly hardcore when I'm this hungry."

“Whatever, weirdo. There are no grapes in this.”

Dean pulls two long-necks out and pops the tops with his ring. They both sip, silent as the microwave turns. After a couple minutes, Dean presents the food to Cas with a flourish.

“Are you just going to sit there and watch me eat?” Cas says, taking a bite even though it’s probably too hot to do so.

“Pretty much,” Dean says.

“Oh, shit, that’s good,” Cas says, pointing at the food with his fork. “You made this?”

“I mean, I didn’t make my own pasta or anything.”

“Will you be my personal chef? I can pay.”

“You can’t afford me.”

“I give great blowjobs.”

“You give acceptable blowjobs,” Dean says, and then blushes, as if they didn’t already both know he’s full of shit. “So, um, what are you writing about?”

Cas shrugs and answers in between bites. “Daddy issues. My own, mostly.”

“Oh, you’ve got some of those, too?”

“He wasn’t abusive or terrible in any sort of insidious way, just… absent. And demanding that things met a certain level of expectation. I spent most of my childhood living under this facade of perfection. We all played our roles.”

“My dad, you know. He did his best.”

“I have a feeling there’s more to the story than that,” Cas says.

“Maybe another time.”

Cas smiles, licks a stray bit of sauce off his thumb. Dean stares at the pink flash of Cas’s tongue, suddenly aware that Cas is right in front of him and yet they are not fucking, which should probably be rectified immediately. Dean grabs Cas’s empty dish and dumps it into the sink. “Now that you’re fed, let’s get you naked.”

“I didn’t realize we were on a schedule,” Cas says.

Dean grabs Cas’s hands to haul him to his feet and then backs him up into a wall, Dean pushing one of his legs between Cas’s and squeezing Cas’s ass to grind into him while they kiss. Their hands are heavy and hot on each other, sliding under shirts, fumbling with zippers and buttons, and it doesn’t take long before Cas has their dicks pressed together and a hand wrapped around both of them.

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean says. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever get over the feeling of Cas’s touch.

“Yes, darling,” Cas says, smirking, pressing a thumbnail -- gently -- into the slit at the end of Dean’s dick. Dean hisses and jerks. “Let’s go to the bedroom. I was told I get to put fingers in you tonight.”

“Just two,” Dean says, blushing.

“Unless you like it.”

“Whatever,” Dean says, turning towards the bedroom.

They both leave their clothes in a trail down the hallway so by the time they make it to the bed, Cas can just push Dean down backwards and crawl over him to rub their dicks together in slow rolls of hips while they kiss. Dean kind of likes it when Cas pushes him around. He’s been with women who have tried, but it’s not the same thing as with someone who could _actually_ meet you strength-for-strength.

Cas’s hand slides downwards and Dean tenses, but Cas just wraps his fist around Dean’s cock and strokes, loose and a little too dry but still electric.

“Cas,” Dean gasps. “Let’s -- before I change my mind.”

Cas pauses, staring down at Dean with lust-blown eyes. “We don’t have to, you know. If you’re not sure.”

“No, I -- I’m sure. Let’s do it.”

Cas grabs the lube and gives a long, sucking, open-mouthed kiss to the base of Dean’s cock.

“Shit,” Dean whispers, staring down at him.

“Yes?” Cas says, licking upwards to suck pre-come from the tip of Dean’s dick. His eyes stay on Dean’s the whole time.

“Fuck, who taught you how to do that?”

Cas smirks. “Jimmy Novak, ninth grade. I told him I was eighteen and he pretended to believe me.”

Dean laughs and drops his head backwards. “Ninth grade, huh? That’s when I lost my virginity, too.”

“Oh, no, I started fucking when I was thirteen. I just didn’t learn to suck cock well until Jimmy.”

Dean reaches and strokes a hand through Cas’s thick, soft hair as Cas sucks more of him down. “I’ll write him a -- oh, fuck -- a thank you card.”

Cas pulls off Dean’s cock and it thumps back to Dean’s belly wetly. Cas sits up and lubes up his first two fingers while Dean watches, a flutter caught in his throat.

Cas leans over to kiss him, deep and slow, while his hand slides between Dean’s legs. At the first cool press of a fingertip at Dean’s hole, Dean jumps. Cas doesn’t press in, though, just circles lightly, spreading slick while he keeps kissing Dean. “Relax,” Cas says against Dean’s mouth. “It’ll hurt if you don’t relax.”

“I’m relaxed.”

Cas rolls his eyes, smiling. “No, you are not. Stop thinking so much.”

“Kiss me again,” Dean says.

Cas does, and Dean melts into it, all sensations other than Cas’s tongue in Dean’s mouth dimming to the background, at least until Cas slips just the tip of his finger into Dean. Dean jerks out of the kiss and stares up at Cas. “Relax, relax,” Cas murmurs. “I’m going to take care of you.”

“Ok,” Dean says, mouth dry. He keeps staring up into Cas’s eyes as Cas’s finger so slowly works deeper, until before long it’s all the way inside him, twisting. “Jesus,” Dean whispers.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” Dean says. It’s weird. _Really_ weird. He didn’t really know what to expect, but not this, a strange, heady intrusion, not exactly pleasurable but definitely not _not_ pleasurable, but something about the look on Cas’s face has it one hundred percent worth the effort, even if it was just straight-up terrible.

“More?”

“Yeah.”

Cas’s finger withdraws and then there are two at Dean’s entrance, pushing just past the rim, and Dean jumps again. “Shh, shh,” Cas says. “Breathe.”

Dean picks up his head to kiss Cas, because the expression in Cas’s eyes is a little too much to handle along with the length of his fingers opening Dean up. Cas kisses with the same languid rhythm of his fingers moving in and out of Dean.

There’s no specific moment when it goes from not-not-pleasurable to something Dean could quickly become addicted to, but it’s somewhere around the time Cas has both of his fingers deep inside Dean and is twisting, slowly, that the first noise makes its way out of Dean’s throat.

“There you go,” Cas says, smiling softly. “Good?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Hurting at all?”

Dean shakes his head. Cas shifts, adjusts the angle of his wrist, and then -- “Jesus fuck!” Dean says, almost jerking off of Cas’s hand completely.

Cas’s smile turns into a smirk. “You liked _that_.”

“Jesus, was that…?”

“Your prostate? Yes.”

The second brush of Cas’s fingertips is a little more expected but still stupidly intense, making Dean’s cock jump against his stomach. “Oh, fuck, fuck -- that’s -- that’s why you like this.”

Cas bends down and kisses Dean’s chest, then bites to suck a mark as his fingers start to move in and out of Dean a little faster, pressing up against Dean’s inner wall with every stroke until Dean is moaning and garbling curses. “Do you want more?” Cas says, chin on Dean’s chest to stare up at him.

“Fuck, yes,” Dean says.

The lube is cold again and the third finger burns going in, but Dean doesn’t flinch. He’ll be ashamed of it later but he even rides down against Cas’s hand a little, trying to get him deeper faster, but Cas stills him with a gentle touch to Dean’s face. “I’ve got you,” Cas says.

Three fingers feels infinitely bigger than two, and Dean can’t even imagine how big a cock would feel -- how would it even _fit_? -- but he still wants more almost immediately. Cas doesn’t rub against the sweet spot at every pass now, just teases, and he presses fluttering kisses all over Dean’s face, cheeks forehead lips jaw, and Dean has never felt so lost in physical sensation. He could lay here and let Cas do this to him forever and not get enough.

“Dean,” Cas says.

Dean blinks open his eyes to look up at Cas. “Yeah?”

“I want to be inside you. Will you let me?”

“ _Oh_ ,” Dean whimpers. “Please, Cas.”

Cas smiles. When Cas withdraws his fingers, Dean feels empty in a way he’s never experienced and he whines, needing so badly something he couldn’t possibly voice.

Dean has to look away from Cas putting on a condom and stroking his cock slick and slippery, focusing at a random point over Cas’s shoulder instead. Jesus, is he really about to do this? Did he really just ask -- _beg_ \-- to have a cock inside him? _What the fuck, Dean_?

“Hey,” Cas says, “come back here. Stay with me.”

“I’m here.”

Cas gives a small, knowing smile, guiding the head of his cock to Dean’s hole. “Breathe. You don’t have to look at me, but stay here.”

“Ok,” Dean says, closing his eyes and taking a shaky breath as Cas slowly presses his hips forward.

At first Dean thinks there’s no way this is going to work. Fingers, yes, ok, that was fine, didn’t really hurt that much, but Cas’s cock feels _huge_ and there’s just… no way. And then the head of Cas’s cock slips inside, a soft _pop_ feeling, and Dean’s chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath.

“Dean, Dean,” Cas says, kissing his cheeks again. “You’re doing so well. Just take a deep breath and relax. Let me know when you think you can take more.”

It’s not painful, not exactly, but there are long moments where the wrongness of the feeling is overwhelming, and it’s not just because of Dean’s hang-ups about being fucked by a man. Or maybe it is. It certainly doesn’t feel _right_ , but then Cas is sinking into him, just the tiniest bit at a time, and when Cas’s hips are flush up against Dean, Cas gasps and murmurs, “You’re doing so good, you’re so good,” and it’s worth any amount of pain just to hear that from Cas’s lips.

Cas just rests inside Dean for a second, and Dean thinks Cas is trying to control himself. It thrills Dean that he could make Cas so close to losing control at all.

“Are you ok?” Cas says.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just. Fuck me. Please?”

Cas nods. He kisses Dean, tongues touching between their mouths, as he slowly withdraws and then pushes back in. The pace is taunting and Dean knows if Cas is feeling anything like Dean feels when he’s inside Cas, Cas is exercising a herculean amount of self-control to not just fuck Dean into the mattress. (Maybe Dean wouldn’t mind.)

“You can -- you can -- harder, Cas.”

Cas pushes up on an arm to look down at Dean but Dean grabs his shoulders and pulls him back close again, hiding in Cas’s neck. “You said I don’t have to look,” Dean whispers.

“You don’t. Just feel for me, ok? Just feel it.”

“Cas,” Dean whimpers.

“Does it feel good?”

“God, yes, yes.”

Cas starts sliding home a little faster, a little deeper, ripping gasps and moans out of Dean’s mouth. Dean wraps his arms tight around Cas and says into his neck, “Please, please, harder.”

“Anything you want,” Cas says, and snaps his hips forward hard enough it nearly shoves Dean up the bed.

Cas’s breath gets harsher against Dean’s ear, he’s making these quiet little noises of pleasure that are different than the ones he offers when Dean is fucking him, and Dean is drowning so deep but never wants to come back up for air.

Cas reaches between them and starts stroking Dean’s cock, jerking with the same rhythm he’s fucking into him, and Dean cries out, back arching off the bed. “Good boy,” Cas whispers. “You feel _incredible_. Are you going to come for me?”

“Cas,” Dean says, mostly out of his mind in a way he never has been during sex -- or any other time -- before. “Don’t stop, I -- close --”

Cas sits up on his knees, one hand still on Dean’s cock while the other grabs his hip and hauls him partially into Cas’s lap, and -- “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” Dean says, coming all over Cas’s fist and his own stomach as Cas’s cock punches into his prostate.

“Jesus, Dean,” Cas says, and even through Dean’s own orgasm, even through the condom, he feels the hot throb of Cas coming inside him.

Cas pulls out and Dean feels empty and cold and exposed for as long as it takes Cas to get rid of the condom, and then Cas is back in his space, wrapping his arms around Dean and kissing his forehead and pulling him close. Dean’s heart is pounding and orgasm aftershocks are still pulsing through him.

“That was so good, Dean, you’re so good,” Cas says. “Thank you.”

Dean closes his eyes and presses his face into Cas’s chest. He can still feel the phantom presence of Cas’s cock spreading him open. There’s some part of him that’s ready to freak out about it, but he decides to delay that awhile longer and just enjoy being sated and relaxed and _happy_ in Cas’s arms.

Cas’s hands trace gentle patterns over Dean’s back in silence for a long time before Cas says, “Dean. Are you upset?”

“About what?”

“How much you liked that. I know that was hard for you.”

“It’s just sex, Cas. I’m fine.”

Cas tilts Dean’s chin up to kiss him. It’s a brief, sweet kiss that leaves Dean smiling. Cas’s eyes on Dean afterwards feel especially weighted and Dean has no idea what he did to deserve Cas to look at him like that, all awe-struck and fond. Dean thinks his own expression can’t be much different, because ever since he met Cas, nothing has been quite the same as it was before.

“I’m not upset,” Dean says, and he decides he means it.


	13. INTERLUDE #4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Fuck you, Dean. You’re my best friend. You don’t get to just disappear because you saw something you’re not happy with.”_

To be fair, if it had been situations reversed, Cas walking in on Dean and Benny, Cas would’ve hit him. Benny, not Dean. Cas has never been jealous or violent before, but just the  _ idea _ \-- much less a fucking  _ visual _ \-- of what Dean might look and sound like with someone else’s cock in him makes Cas a bit demented.

Inias couldn’t handle a punch, so it’s probably for the best that Dean doesn’t have the same kind of temper Cas has been sporting lately, which is the temper that has Cas banging on Dean’s door way too late after five days of complete radio silence. 

Dean answers in nothing but a pair of boxers. He doesn’t look like he was asleep and he doesn’t look particularly sober, either. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Dean says, but he steps aside to let Cas in. “What are you doing here?” 

“You can’t just stop talking to me,” Cas says. 

“Uh, yeah, I can,” Dean says, grabbing the bottle of whiskey on the coffee table and throwing himself onto the couch. 

“Fuck you, Dean. You’re my best friend. You don’t get to just disappear because you saw something you’re not happy with.” 

Dean swigs and laughs. “What do you need me around for anymore? What did you ever need me around for?” 

Cas crosses his arms and glares at Dean. “Because I like you, but I can’t just sit around on the periphery of your life while you keep pretending to be straight.” 

“Pretending? You know I don’t fuck guys --” 

“Just me and Benny, right? Two in four billion?” 

“ _ Benny?!  _ What the fuck?” 

“Are you going to deny that now, too?” 

“There’s nothing to -- wait, seriously? You think I’m fucking  _ Benny _ ?” 

Cas arches an eyebrow, stares him down. 

“Jesus. Benny is married. To a woman. Are you  _ jealous _ ? Is that what the thing with -- fuck, what kind of name is Inias, anyway? Is that what that’s about?” 

“Are you saying you’re  _ not  _ jealous?” 

Dean looks away. “Fuck you.” 

“Admit it. You didn’t like seeing me with him.” 

Dean sighs, turning the square bottle in his hands. “No, I didn’t like it. After Lisa, I thought… we weren’t doing that anymore.” 

“You thought we were doing an exclusive thing.” 

“You don’t have to tell me how stupid I am. I get it.” 

Cas sits next to Dean on the couch. “Can I have some of that?” Dean passes the bottle without looking at him. Cas gulps a shot’s worth, comes out sputtering. “Christ, that’s nasty.” 

In the corner of his eye, Cas sees Dean crack a smile. “This is what we were drinking when we met.” 

“You may not recall, but I didn’t finish mine.” 

Dean takes the bottle back and drinks without wincing. 

“So you’re not fucking Benny.” 

“That’s fucking ridiculous, Cas.”

Cas takes another drink when Dean offers it. Cas slumps down on the couch so he and Dean are the same height, both of them with their heads leaning backwards. Cas stares at Dean while Dean stares at the ceiling. “I didn’t want to be with Inias. I thought it would make me feel better, but it really didn’t.” 

“You seemed to be having a good enough time from what I saw.” 

“Sex can be pleasurable even when it’s not  _ right _ . And it wasn’t right. I couldn’t even kiss him. I made him leave after you did.” 

“Sorry for interrupting.” 

“It wasn’t fair of me to be using him that way anyway.” 

“All you do is use people,” Dean says, but he sounds defeated by it, not angry. 

Cas looks at his hands, lets those words echo around in his head for long, torturous moments. “I’ve never used you. Just -- wanted you. Probably too much.” 

Dean doesn’t say anything. 

“If you wanted to do an exclusive thing. We could do that.” 

“I haven’t been with anyone else since I met you,” Dean says. “How pathetic is that? That I thought --” 

Cas sits up, grabs Dean’s face, and kisses him. It’s inelegant and they both taste too much like whiskey but Dean doesn’t pull away. “I don’t want to sleep with anyone else anymore either.” 

Dean finally looks at Cas again. “Lisa?” 

“I haven’t slept with Lisa since we did. She said --” Cas laughs, flopping back on the couch “-- that I was clearly too far gone on you to be messing around with her.”

“Oh. Well. Ok then.” 

“I’m sorry. I heard you call Benny ‘sweetheart’ and I kind of lost it.” 

Dean is very, very quiet. “You called him ‘good boy.’” 

Cas glances sideways at Dean, then puts his hands over his face. “Jesus. Fuck, Dean, you were all I was thinking about. I almost called him ‘Dean’ three times.” 

“Just three?” 

Cas grabs a pillow and hits Dean with it. “You’re an asshole.” 

“I’m adorable.” 

Cas tries not to smile. “Sometimes.” He leans over and gives Dean a long, soft kiss. “You need to get some sleep. If I leave, do you promise you’ll talk to me tomorrow?” 

“Yeah. I promise.” 

“Thank you.” Cas pauses, then says, “I missed you.” 

Dean looks down. “I missed you, too.” 


	14. ADORED, INTOXICATED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“A butt plug,” Dean says, glaring at Cas. “Really? That thing’s huge!”_
> 
> _“It’s not that much bigger than my dick,” Cas says, rolling his eyes._
> 
> _“Your dick is huge!”_
> 
> _Cas laughs. “I appreciate the sentiment, but you might be exaggerating a little bit. Come on,” he says, stepping close to Dean and wagging the glass monstrosity at him. “You’re going to like it. I’m never wrong about this kind of thing.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Tags** : Sex Toys, Face-Fucking

“I have something for you,” Cas says before he’s even fully in the door.

Dean arches an eyebrow and watches Cas dig around in his messenger bag. Out of it comes a small black plastic bag, and out of that bag, an object Dean isn’t entirely sure why he’s even able to identify. 

“A butt plug,” Dean says, glaring at Cas. “Really? That thing’s huge!” 

“It’s not that much bigger than my dick,” Cas says, rolling his eyes. 

“Your dick is huge!” 

Cas laughs. “I appreciate the sentiment, but you might be exaggerating a little bit. Come on,” he says, stepping close to Dean and wagging the glass monstrosity at him. “You’re going to like it. I’m never wrong about this kind of thing.” 

Dean snatches the plug out of Cas’s hand to inspect it. “It’s  _ heavy _ .” 

“I prefer glass.” 

“I’m not wearing this in public.” 

Cas rolls his eyes again. “No, you’re going to wear it while I fuck your face.” 

Dean blushes and glances down at Cas’s mouth. “Oh,” he says. “Ok. Yeah. We can try it.” 

Cas grins and loops an arm around Dean’s neck to pull him in for a kiss. It’s just a mostly-chaste hello, but Dean grabs Cas by the hip to bring him back for a real kiss with plenty of tongue. 

“Been thinking about you all day,” Cas murmurs up against Dean’s mouth. “Thinking about stretching you open. Thinking about your lips around my cock. Have I told you how pretty you look with a dick down your throat?” 

Dean shudders. “Not recently.” 

“I want to take a video of you sometime so you can see how pretty you are.” 

“Stop, Cas, come on.” 

“No.” Cas nuzzles Dean’s neck, bites just over his pulsepoint. “You’re fucking gorgeous.” 

“Did you spend all day thinking about me just to talk when you got here?” 

Cas swats Dean’s cheek, not anything like a real hit, but Dean’s eyes flutter closed for a moment and he licks his lips. Cas smiles. “Is that what you want? Or is that what you  _ always _ want?” 

“I want whatever — whatever you want.” 

“I want you in bed without any clothes on.” 

Dean turns towards the hallway so fast he stumbles a little over his own feet and Cas has to reach out to steady him. “Shut up,” Dean says, laughing.

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“You were thinking it,” Dean grumbles, stripping out of his shirt and unbuttoning his jeans. Boxers and socks off next, and he assumes Cas is doing the same thing at his back, but when he turns around, Cas is still clothed, just staring with dark eyes. 

“Hands and knees on the bed,” Cas says. 

Dean doesn’t hesitate, but it’s not his favorite, when Cas could just as easily be a nameless stranger behind him. Dean likes to see the way Cas’s face changes at the different stages of arousal, likes to touch and taste him.

Dean’s really not even hard yet, but the way Cas mouths down the back of his neck, down his spine,  makes blood rush to his groin. Cas spreads Dean with his hands, but Dean is still surprised to feel Cas’s tongue drag over his hole. 

“Fuck,” Dean says. 

“Is it ok? Can I do this?” 

Dean nods, but Cas probably can’t see. “Yeah, it’s — it’s good.” 

Cas doesn’t spend as much time licking Dean open as he did the first time they did this, but then there are slick fingers sliding into Dean and that’s pretty fucking good, too. Dean presses back into the fingers while Cas kisses the dimples on either side of his spine. 

Cas uses his fingers to stretch Dean while his other hand reaches for Dean’s hair and jerks his head backwards. It makes Dean’s blood buzz in his veins, blocking out everything but the sensations of Cas’s touch, and he grunt-gasps every time Cas’s wrist twists. 

“I think that’s enough,” Cas says. He lets go of Dean’s hair and Dean’s head hangs heavy between his shoulders without Cas to support him. Cas’s fingers pull out, too, and it makes Dean whimper. 

Dean hears the cap pop on the lube but doesn’t turn around to watch as Cas makes the toy slippery with it. In fact, Dean had forgotten about it all together until it’s pressing — a little cold — against him; he’d thought Cas was about to fuck him. 

“Relax,” Cas says. “You know I’m not going to hurt you. You know we’ll stop if you don’t like it.” 

Dean exhales slowly. “Yeah, I know.” 

Cas presses inward until Dean’s hole opens around just the tip of the plug, then Cas pulls back, presses forward the tiniest bit more. It’s not unpleasant, but it’s not the same as the warmth from Cas’s fingers or his cock. 

Dean can feel the toy widening the deeper it goes, stretching him. Cas twists it as he slides more of it into him and Dean chokes out a moan. 

“That’s it,” Cas says, his free hand tucked at the juncture of Dean’s hip and thigh. “Just a little more and then it’ll kind of —” 

Dean feels the widest part breach him and then the rest of it settles inside Dean all at once. It’s a bizarre feeling, but the heavy press of glass inside him makes him a little breathless. Cas tugs gently at the base of the plug just so Dean can feel the girth of it tugging at his rim. “Oh — fuck,” Dean says. 

“You like it,” Cas says, sounding smug enough that Dean turns his head to glare over his shoulder. 

Dean says, “Fine, asshole, I like it.” 

“Stay there,” Cas says, standing off the bed to start taking his clothes off. 

Dean rolls his eyes but he certainly wasn’t planning on moving from his place on all fours, nervous about jostling the toy too much. Shit, Cas said it was  _ glass _ . “Is this safe?!” 

Cas pulls off his boots — somehow more graceful on one foot than Dean could ever be — and frowns at him. “Didn’t we just talk about how I would never hurt you?” 

“Ok, ok,” Dean says. He’s distracted by the trail of dark hair he can see in the V of Cas’s fly, the slow reveal of his cock, already hard. Dean preens a little at the idea of Cas being so turned on just by playing with him. 

Cas steps out of his jeans and approaches the bed again, stroking himself loosely a couple times. He’s looking at Dean like he’s hungry, like he can’t get enough. Cas says, “Do you want me to fuck your mouth?” 

Dean swallows and wets his lips. “Yes.” 

Cas climbs back in the bed and settles on his knees in front of Dean. He reaches one hand to run over Dean’s shoulder while Dean kisses down his stomach. When he reaches the tip of Cas’s cock, he arches his neck back a little more and lets his lips go slack. 

Cas guides his cock to rub over Dean’s lips, leaving them shiny with pre-come, and Dean opens his mouth enough for Cas to push the head in. Cas strokes a thumb over the curve of Dean’s cheekbone. “Are you ready?” 

Dean takes a deep breath through his nose and grabs at Cas’s hip. Cas takes it as the permission it is and thrusts shallowly a few times, letting Dean work his tongue, letting Dean wet his cock with spit. 

“Tap me if you need to stop,” Cas says, and then slides in until he bumps the back of Dean’s throat. 

Dean’s first instinct, as always, is to gag and sputter, but he’s been working on it and is proud not to choke, to just accept whatever Cas wants to give him. Cas notices, too, and caresses his cheek again before wrapping his fingers into Dean’s hair and holding him still. 

Dean loves this. He hates that he loves it, hates the idea that someone might see this and think he likes to be degraded, even though he doesn’t feel degraded at all. He feels adored, he feels intoxicated on Cas. 

“You’re perfect,” Cas says. He starts to shove his cock past Dean’s lips a little more forcefully, but he’s still in control of himself. Dean can shatter him, though, and they both know it. 

In the beginning Dean always tries to keep up with Cas’s thrusts with his tongue, tries to give as well as he’s getting, but before long he just goes lax, letting Cas hold him up by the hair and fuck his mouth however he wants. Apparently he wants it rough and a little deep tonight. 

Cas says, “Take a breath.” Dean does, and Cas sinks deeper, cuts off Dean’s air. “Relax, relax.”

Dean knows what it feels like to be deep throated. Cas is amazing at it. But he didn’t have any idea what it would feel like to do it himself — something hot and impossibly huge moving into his throat with a soft pop, not unlike the slow-then-all-at-once feeling of Cas pushing into his ass the first thrust. Except now Cas is stealing his air, too. 

“God, you’re so good,” Cas says, and holds right there until Dean’s eyes start to water. Dean doesn’t tap him, though, just stares up, trusting. 

Cas pulls back slowly. Dean does cough a little, but not so much that Cas has to pull out completely. Cas says, “Take a breath.” 

It’s less scary now that Dean knows what it’ll feel like. Cas stays deep, shifting his hips a little like he can’t help it, long enough for a tear to streak down Dean’s cheek. Cas lets Dean take a few panting breaths through his nose, and then fucks inward again. 

“I’m going to come,” Cas moans. “Christ, the mouth on you.” 

Cas’s thrusts get shallower and he wipes tears from Dean’s face and when he comes, it’s with Dean’s name on his lips. 

Cas is not quite deep enough for spurts to hit the back of Dean’s throat — they’ve learned a lesson there — but enough to mostly bypass Dean’s taste buds. Dean is mourning the loss until Cas pulls him off by the hair, the last of his come dragging down Dean’s tongue. 

“On your back,” Cas says. 

Without all his concentration being used on Cas’s pleasure, Dean remembers the plug holding him open. It’s a little intense, but good, just a light pressure against the place inside him that he begs Cas to touch. 

“Dean.” 

“Sorry,” Dean says, and carefully maneuvers onto his back like he was told. It feels intense but weird as he moves, but it settles again to intense-but-good. 

“I love the way your mouth looks after you’ve sucked my cock,” Cas says, leaning down to kiss Dean. “Was I too rough? You cried.” 

Dean reaches up to feel the wetness on his face. He remembers Cas touching his cheeks, wiping away tears, but he hadn’t thought of it as  _ crying _ . It was just another physical reminder of how Cas affects him, like a face that’s red and stinging, like bites on his chest and stomach and hips and shoulders. Dean’s voice is rough as he says, “I’m ok. It was — I liked it.” 

Cas smiles, brushes their noses together. “You’re so perfect for me, do you know that?” And then, like he doesn’t want to know how Dean would answer: “Do you want me to suck you?” 

“Yeah,” Dean says. His cock is so hard it almost hurts. 

“With or without the plug?” 

“With.” 

Cas touches Dean’s jaw with his fingertips, tilts his head away so Cas can kiss down his throat. Dean squirms a little when he feels Cas’s teeth, and then a lot when Cas’s mouth closes over one of his nipples. Cas bites and sucks and licks, walking his fingers down Dean’s stomach, lightly down his cock, down more to tug a little at the base of the toy. “Fuck,” Dean whispers. 

Cas’s mouth is back on the move, not pausing until he makes it to Dean’s stomach, biting and sucking where Dean is a little bit softer. “Please please please,” Dean says. He says things in bed with Cas that he would never let anyone else hear. 

Cas doesn’t keep drawing it out, just swirls his tongue through the pre-come at the head of Dean’s cock, just runs wet lips down the underside of it. Dean’s cock jerks against Cas’s cheek and he can tell Cas is smiling, even when his mouth is busy licking each of Dean’s balls in turn. 

Cas can tell how tight Dean is wound so he takes Dean’s dick into his mouth before Dean can start begging again. Cas’s tongue is wicked and practiced, and he pushes the plug in a little deeper,  and then pulls it until Dean can feel his hole trying to spread around the thickest part of it. Dean’s hands bury into the softness of Cas’s hair, urging him down on Dean’s cock until Dean knows Cas is feeling that soft pop into his throat, pressing his nose into Dean’s lower belly. Cas swallows and Dean’s hips jerk upwards. 

“Oh, fuck, Cas,” Dean says, wrecked by it. Wrecked by Cas. 

Cas pulls up. “I’m going to take it out. Calm down, honey.” 

Dean is  _ quivering _ so it takes a few breaths before the tension leaves his body. It’s hard to stay relaxed and breathe through the width of the plug pulling out of him, but the rest of it slips out easily. Cas drops it off to the side, grabs the lube, and slides three fingers into Dean. After the plug, it feels like hardly anything. 

Cas’s other hand goes to Dean, weaving their fingers together while he sucks Dean’s dick back into his mouth. Dean’s hand clenches around Cas’s, both of them white-knuckled. 

Cas’s fingers are doing what the toy couldn’t, rubbing Dean’s prostate with intent, and — Jesus — Dean comes in minutes. Cas swallows it down, like he always does, and then moves up to kiss Dean, like he always does, and carefully slides his fingers out, like he always does.

Cas lays down, welcomes Dean into his arms, and says, “Thank you.” 

Cas hasn’t said it in a long time, and it makes Dean smile. “You’re welcome.” 

They lay together for awhile, in and out of sleep, and then Cas leaves the bed and comes back with a washcloth to gently clean all the lube from between Dean’s thighs. Dean’s exhausted, but he’s not ready for Cas to leave yet, so he says, “Let’s watch something.” 

“I’ll let you pick, as long as it’s not too horrible. I’ll get your computer.” 

Dean is more than happy to not move while Cas retrieves the computer and a beer for each of them. They sit naked next to each other, sipping beers and watching bad comedy. When his beer is gone, Dean lets his head fall to Cas’s shoulder. He wakes up to the  _ Are you still watching?  _ on his computer and Cas nudging him gently. “Wake up. I should get going.” 

Cas doesn’t say anything as he gets dressed, but he does give Dean a smile and a long kiss before he leaves. 


	15. TAKING IT SLOW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I dunno. What do you wanna do?”_
> 
> _“Kiss you a lot while I’m fucking you.”_

Cas is hanging upside down off of Dean’s couch when Dean comes in, followed by a big guy that looks like he could wear leather on occasion. 

“Uh, hello,” Dean says. “Are you ok down there?”

“I’m very high,” Cas says. He rolls to his feet, surprisingly graceful considering how heavy his limbs feel, and holds his hand out to the stranger. “I’m Cas.” 

“Benny. Nice to meet you, brother. Are you the writer?” 

Cas glances at Dean, who is blushing. God, he’s cute. “Yes, that would be me.” 

“Dean keeps telling me to read your books, but to be honest, I’m not much of a reader.” 

“It’s all pretentious bullshit anyway. I wouldn’t bother,” Cas says. 

“It is not,” Dean says, rolling his eyes. “Benny was just stopping by for a couple beers. You wanna hang out too?” 

“I’m too high to drive,” Cas says, settling himself on the floor so Benny and Dean can have the couch. “There were gummy bears. Want some?” Cas shakes the bag at Benny. “Dean can’t have any; he’s a lightweight.” 

“I’m good,” Benny says, accepting a beer from Dean.

Cas takes one from Dean, too, barely resisting the urge to jerk Dean down to him by the wrist for a thorough kiss. Cas had spent the better part of an hour upside down on the couch thinking about what he was going to do to Dean when he got home, starting with a long, lazy makeout session.

“What?” Cas says, realizing Dean asked him a question. 

“Don’t you have a deadline this week? I didn’t think you’d be around.” 

“I’m procrastinating. Plus, I couldn’t possibly stay away from you that long,” Cas says, giving Dean a cheeky grin. 

Dean’s face shutters closed. He looks at Benny quickly and then laughs, but it sounds hollow. “Whatever, Cas.” 

Benny downs the rest of his beer in a couple of gulps. “It’s been real, boys, but I better get home to Andrea.” 

“You don’t want another?” Dean says.

“Nah, I’m good. I’ll leave you two to it.” 

Benny claps both Dean and Cas on the shoulder on his way out. Once Dean has shut the door behind him, he stands there for a long moment, forehead pressed into the wood. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas says. “I didn’t mean to flirt.” 

“It’s fine. It’s not like -- he doesn’t know. It’s not a big deal. Anyway, you’re terrible at flirting.” 

Cas crawls over to the couch and climbs on. “You’re a jerk. Come here.” 

“You are  _ really _ stoned,” Dean says, straddling Cas’s lap. 

“Too many gummy bears,” Cas says. He tilts his head up for a kiss and Dean gives him one, sweet until the end where his teeth come out, nipping at Cas’s bottom lip. 

Dean nuzzles against Cas’s neck, murmuring, “You like fucking me when you’re high.” 

“I like fucking you all the time,” Cas says, sighing softly as Dean nibbles at his ear. 

Dean stands up, holding his hands out to Cas. “If you can make it to the bedroom, I’ll get on top. You enjoy your high and I’ll do all the work.” 

Cas laughs, letting Dean pull him to his feet. “How magnanimous of you.” 

In bed they kiss long and unhurried while Cas opens Dean up on his fingers. “You’re beautiful,” Cas whispers against Dean’s mouth, and Dean says, “So are you.” 

Dean is shy about it, but he climbs into Cas’s lap and takes Cas’s cock into himself, sinking down slowly. Cas loves this, having both hands free to touch Dean everywhere, pinching his nipples, stroking his jaw, reaching to spread his cheeks wider, rubbing fingertips around the slick rim of his hole stretched around Cas. Dean whimpers and Cas thinks about working a finger or two in next to his cock, see what kind of noises Dean would make to be that much fuller. 

Dean leans down to kiss Cas, and Cas sits up on his elbows to meet him halfway. It’s a deep, languid kiss, one of Dean’s hands in Cas’s hair with the other braced on his chest, and Cas groans into it as Dean rolls his hips. 

“Good?” Dean asks, repeating the motion. 

“Perfect.” 

By the time they’ve both come, Cas is pretty sure Dean has forgotten the whole thing with Benny.

 

**Dean:** Benny and his wife are having a pool party bbq thing this weekend, said I should invite you. You in? Saturday at 3ish

**Cas:** I don’t own a swimming suit. 

**Dean:** Go to target or something jesus   
**Dean:** Not that you have to come if you don’t want to. Up to you 

**Cas:** Pick me up at 3.

 

Dean shows up at Cas’s door just before three in a white t-shirt and blue gradient swim trunks with a huge shark on the side of one thigh. 

“Nice trunks,” Cas says. 

“Shut up. Sharks are fucking bad ass,” Dean says, crossing his arms across his chest. 

“Don’t be petulant. Let me grab a towel and we can go.” 

“Oh, hey. I forgot one. Do you have an extra for me?” 

Cas rolls his eyes and disappears to fetch them. His messenger bag is already loaded up with a change of clothes, phone, wallet, and keys. 

Cas reaches to open the door, but Dean stops him. “Hold up.” 

“What else did you forget?” 

Dean grins and presses up to Cas, using his whole body to shove Cas up against the door before kissing him solidly. “Shoulda come early so we could fuck before we go,” Dean murmurs against Cas’s mouth. 

“Yes, you should’ve thought of that.” 

 

Cas is pretty deep in conversation with Kevin and Chuck, who actually recognized Cas from some interview or another — something that basically never happens to him. Chuck stammers a lot and admits eventually, abashedly, that he is trying to write a novel, too. Dean, Benny, and Jo are at a table across the pool, full of raucous laughter and friendly curses.

Cas keeps catching Dean looking at him, eyes lingering on Cas’s hip bones, on his mouth, and once, when Cas turns away to grab another beer, his ass. Cas arches an eyebrow at him over his sunglasses and Dean clearly stumbles over his words a bit, blushes pink. 

Kevin and Chuck head to the food table, and Cas takes the excuse to circle the pool over towards Dean’s table. Cas’s initial urge is to lean down to kiss him, not dirty, just quick and affectionate, but he knows better. Even though Dean’s eyes sweep down his body again as he approaches, even though Dean licks his lips. The flash of tongue makes Cas think of all the places on his body that tongue has been. 

“Sit down,” Jo says, a mischievous glint in her eye. 

“You get enough to eat?” Benny says.

“Plenty. The food is fantastic, by the way.” 

“Nothing better than Texas barbeque,” Benny says with a grin. 

Cas takes the empty chair to Dean’s right. Now Dean is glancing at Cas’s hands as he slowly spins a longneck on the table in front of him. Cas’s sunglasses are dark enough that he can watch Dean out of the corner of his eye even while he talks to the others. He wonders what Dean is thinking, if he’s remembering Cas’s fingers and mouth from the night before. Dean hasn’t worked up to actually asking Cas to tongue-fuck him, but he always agrees when Cas asks, and the night before he had  _ begged _ when Cas nuzzled upwards to suck at his balls instead. 

Cas realizes he has something like an adoring smile on his face and says to distract himself, “Can I smoke out here? Not cigarettes.” 

Benny laughs. “No gummy bears today?” 

“Only if you share,” Jo says. 

Cas grabs his pipe from his bag and they all pass it around. It doesn’t take much for the rest of the table to get giggly and even Cas is a little looser and smiling.

Cas knows now that there’s nothing romantic or sexual between Dean and Benny, but he vaguely wonders if there has been with anyone else in attendance. Dean and Jo flirt a lot, but Dean’s gaze never stays on her a beat too long the way it does with Cas. 

Cas usually has a pretty short limit on how much time he can spend with people other than Dean, but then the sun goes down and they’re all in the half-light from the porch, and he’s not anxious about it yet.

It’s not much longer until Kevin begs off, saying he has work in the morning, and Cas is suddenly starving for Dean’s touch. Dean is a little slow with drink and smoke and doesn’t catch on to Cas’s significant looks until the third or fourth one. 

“Oh,” Dean says, “we should get going, too.” 

Jo smirks. “Have fun, guys.” 

Cas stops by where Andrea, Garth, and Chuck are lounging in the pool. “Chuck,” Cas says, “Dean’s going to text you my number, if you want me to take a look at your book.” 

“Oh my god,” Chuck says. “You don’t have to do that.” 

Cas shrugs. “Do you want me to be honest if it sucks?” 

“Yeah,” Chuck says, looking up at Cas with starry eyes. 

“Ok, then I’ll give it a go.” 

“See y’all later,” Dean says, waving distractedly to everyone. 

Dean is intoxicated enough that he lets Cas convince him to drive them back to Cas’s. “You better not passenger-seat drive the whole time,” Cas says. “I’ll key her. I will.” 

“You would never.” Dean grins and runs his hand up Cas’s thigh. “You were giving me that look because we’re going back home to fuck, right?” 

“Yes. What are you in the mood for?” 

Dean bites his lip and looks at him consideringly, eyes darkening. If Cas is half as sexy behind the wheel of the Impala as Dean is, he’s not surprised to get a look like that. “I dunno. What do you wanna do?” 

“Kiss you a lot while I’m fucking you.” 

Dean’s hand tightens on Cas’s thigh, just a little bit, like the action was unconscious. Dean is so easy to rile up. “Yeah,” he says. “Let’s — yeah. That.” 

Cas almost kisses him at a stop light. There’s no one around to see that matters, and it’s not like any of the drivers around them are paying attention, but there’s a lot of seat between them and Cas thinks Dean would pull away. He does put his hand over Dean’s for a moment until Dean says, “Two hands on the wheel!” 

They’re both out of their clothes by the time they make it to Cas’s bedroom, but Cas grabs the back of Dean’s neck and pulls him in for a long, deep kiss before Dean can get into the bed. Cas refuses to separate as they stumble and fall back into the mattress, Cas’s hands pulling at Dean’s hair like they could get any closer than pressed together from ankle to chest, Dean’s leg draped over Cas’s thigh.

Dean is content to kiss, hands wandering but aimless. Cas thinks being stoned makes most things better, but it is especially perfect to just kiss Dean while high, nothing else to distract from the wet heat of his tongue.

“You looked so hot in those swim trunks,” Dean murmurs into Cas’s mouth. 

Cas laughs. “I guessed from the way you were checking me out every two minutes.” 

Dean goes still. “I wasn’t.” 

“Baby,” Cas says, “you think I wasn’t looking at you, too?” 

“Do you think — they don’t know, right?” 

“Dean, not a single person at that party would think any less of you if they did know.” 

“Ok,” Dean says. 

Cas is relieved when Dean’s the one to initiate the next kiss, Dean’s hands going to Cas’s hips to try to pull him closer the same way Cas is with Dean’s hair, like they’re not already hard and rubbing together in a tantalizing slide. There’s always a lot of pre-come from Dean, and Cas is a little obsessed with it, the way it feels, the way it smells, the way it  _ tastes _ . 

“I might have been staring at your hands,” Dean admits. “Your fingers.” 

“Yeah?” Cas slides his hand behind Dean to brush over his hole with too-dry fingers. Cas is consumed by that quick shiver Dean gives every time Cas first touches him there, too. 

Cas tracks down the lube where it was tossed on the floor the night before, and then he presses a slick finger into Dean. “Fuck,” Dean breathes out. “Kiss me, kiss me.” 

“You could kiss me, you know,” Cas says, but of course he complies. 

A lot of times with them it’s rough and a little frantic, but sometimes Cas likes to take it slow, too. Dean is so pliant from beer and weed that he just lets Cas’s fingers move in and out of him, languid like their kisses. 

“You’re so fucking incredible,” Cas says, his eyes still on Dean’s mouth. 

“Cas,” Dean warns, but he’s blushing and Cas leaves a kiss high on each of his cheeks. 

Dean’s eyes close and Cas moves his kisses to Dean’s neck. Dean likes teeth, but Cas keeps it gentle for now. He adds another finger as he kisses across Dean’s collar bone. “Cas,” Dean says again, but now it’s more of a pleading whimper than anything else. 

“Feels good?” 

Dean nods, almost imperceptible, and Cas thinks about how Dean was so wound up on Cas’s licking and fingering the night before that he came almost immediately once Cas wrapped a hand around his cock. Cas didn’t come at all and didn’t care, plenty happy to pull Dean’s arm around him and press his face into Dean’s side while Dean caught his breath. 

“You came so pretty last night,” Cas says, just a whisper away from Dean’s skin, over where he can hear Dean’s heart beating. 

“I need — oh, fuck. I need you inside me.” 

Cas pulls his fingers out and pauses to give a quick suck to one of Dean’s nipples before grabbing a condom. He hitches Dean’s leg up higher, over his hip, and says, “Like this?” 

“Mm, yeah,” Dean says, opening up to Cas’s kiss and then his cock. 

Cas can’t get as deep like this, can’t even properly thrust, but it’s so good, slow kisses with Dean wrapped all around him. Dean’s hand tightens against one of Cas’s shoulder blades in the grinding rhythm of their hips. Cas caresses the soft place behind Dean’s ear and swallows down the moans Dean offers into their kiss. Cas is feeling so in — 

He pulls back, staring at Dean’s face in startled realization, at Dean’s eyes as they blink open sluggishly.

“Don’t stop,” Dean says, leaning in to kiss him again. 

“I need a minute. Just — just a second.” 

Dean tenses to pull away to create distance from them, like he’s all too aware of what’s happening in Cas’s head and heart right now. “No, stay,” Cas says, and Dean settles back into Cas’s space.

“What’s wrong?” Dean says quietly. 

Cas presses his forehead against Dean’s with his eyes closed. He can’t look at Dean right now. Dean always shines bright, but in this moment it’s like looking into the sun, retinas burning. “Nothing.” 

“I lost you for a minute there.” 

“I’m here,” Cas says, and tilts his chin to kiss Dean again. 

Dean is holding back, waits until Cas’s tongue nudges against his lips before welcoming it into his mouth, like he’s nervous his kiss would be unwelcome. Cas’s throat burns from things unsaid:  _ I want you to kiss me always. You don’t have to have any lonely holidays ever again.  _

It’s easy to fall back into Dean, the way he feels like home, and it’s easy to lose track of time in a haze of deep kisses. 

“Hang on,” Dean says. “My hip’s going to cramp.” 

Cas lets go of Dean’s leg and pulls out of him so Dean can stretch out while Cas massages the outside of his hip. It happens sometimes when Cas has been fucking Dean for a long time, but it hardly takes any time at all before Dean rolls onto his back and spreads his legs again, tugging at Cas. 

Cas is already kissing Dean even as he’s guiding his cock into him. Dean smiles and huffs, “You weren’t kidding about the kissing.” 

“I never joke about sex.” 

“Yeah you do,” Dean says, “but I’m not complaining. I love kissing you.” 

“Is that so?” 

Cas could fuck him hard now, could bite bruises into Dean’s golden skin, but he doesn’t. He slides deeper but keeps the roll of his hips slow, just enough to scatter electricity up and down his spine. 

“Feels good?” Cas says, like he can’t see the flush of Dean’s cheeks, the redness of his kiss-slick mouth. Like he can’t feel the way Dean wraps his arms around Cas’s shoulders to hold him close. 

“Yeah,” Dean says. “Feel good for you?” 

“Unbelievably good,” Cas says, using a gentle hand on Dean’s jaw to angle him up for more kisses. “Can you come like this?” 

“If you touch me.” 

Cas feels like he could do this all night, sweet and tender in a way he has never experienced with a lover before, but Dean’s hips would definitely cramp then. Cas slides a hand down Dean’s stomach, through the wetness of pre-come, to wrap around Dean’s cock, and strokes him slowly. 

Dean digs around in the covers and manages to find the lube without taking his mouth away from Cas’s, but then they break the kiss long enough for Dean to pour a bit on Cas’s hand. 

Cas’s fingers wrapped about him again, Dean moans softly and says, “Kiss me.” 

Cas does, but the kisses quickly lose finesse as Dean builds towards coming, spending more time gasping against Cas’s lips than actually kissing. Cas murmurs, “My favorite thing in the world is making you come.” 

The words surprise another moan out of Dean. “Can you just — just a little more —” 

Cas strokes him a little faster, a little tighter. 

“Yeah, yeah, yes,” Dean says. Cas’s second favorite thing is the way Dean starts chanting as he gets closer to orgasm, mostly under his breath and mostly nonsense, though the best is when it’s Cas’s name. “Cas,  _ Cas _ — so close.” 

Dean comes like cresting a hill at eighty miles an hour, rising, rising, and then suddenly dropping. “Cas,” he says again. 

The head of Dean’s dick is always too sensitive right after he comes, but Cas can keep squeezing and stroking around the shaft until Dean relaxes with a final shudder. Cas bites his lip, thrusts a little harder, stares down into Dean’s hazy eyes. Post-orgasm Dean is perhaps even more beautiful than usual, staring up like Cas is the prettiest thing he’s ever seen, too. 

“I wanna feel you come for real,” Dean gasps, “next time.” 

Cas jolts and comes, sharp and sudden. He presses his forehead back to Dean’s afterwards, panting. Dean runs gentle fingers through his hair and Cas can feel the smile against his mouth. 

When Cas stops feeling like he’s going to pass out if he moves, he gets rid of the condom before collapsing next to Dean. Dean turns to face him and pull Cas into his space, kissing him soft and closed-mouthed. 

Cas shares kisses like that with him for a long time. “I hope that was ok,” Cas says. “I know you like it rougher.” 

“No, that was —” Dean half-laughs like he’s incredulous. “I’ve never — it’s never been like that before.” 

Cas looks down, focusing on Dean’s lips so he doesn’t have to look into his eyes. “Not for me, either.” 

“It’s always good with you. Best ever. But that was — it was amazing, right? That wasn’t just me?” 

“Yes, it was.” 

Dean nuzzles underneath Cas’s chin. “Can I stay tonight?” 

“If you want to. Of course.” 

It’s only after Dean is asleep that Cas realizes it’s the first time he’s ever  _ made love _ .


	16. MELANCHOLY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas insisted to himself that it would be fine if they want back to fast and bruising all the time. Cas loves to make Dean feel good, and it feels good to Dean when it hurts a little. Cas has always enjoyed playing dom, too, so it doesn’t take a lot of convincing for him to pink up Dean’s cheeks or fuck Dean’s mouth deep and hard enough to make him hoarse._
> 
> _This, though. Cas hadn’t misremembered; it may be even more intense than it was last time, the way Dean kisses him over and over without coming up for air, arms wrapped around Cas’s shoulders._

**Dean:** Earlier Charlie asked me if you were my boyfriend

**Cas:** Are you fishing? 

**Dean:** What? 

**Cas:** Are you trying to find out if I think I’m your boyfriend or not. 

**Dean:** I know you’re trying to keep your momentum with Familiar right now   
**Dean:** But could I come over later? 

Cas frowns at his phone, types  _ That’s not an answer _ and then erases it. 

**Cas:** I could probably use a break. 

 

Dean must’ve sensed it, the change in Cas’s touches since that party. Maybe Cas is the one who should’ve been concerned about all of Dean’s friends seeing his feelings like a brand on his sleeve, and he’s kept that in mind as he draws back, thinking often of what they might say to Dean about it. 

It seems like ages ago that Lisa said,  _ You’re too gone on him to still be sleeping with me.  _ And:  _ You should tell him.  _

It’s convenient that he’s deep into  _ Familiar _ , because Dean knows what it’s like when Cas gets wrapped up in the inertia of writing. He won’t think anything’s different about that, and maybe by the time Cas’s brain is done thinking nearly constantly about the story, he’ll be done thinking about Dean, too. Can go back to the way it was when Dean was just a lot of fun, a good friend he liked sleeping with more than the others, but not really imagining anything else. 

A break from writing, though, sounds nice. Seeing  _ Dean  _ sounds nice.

 

Cas requested fajitas, so Dean shows up with an overflowing bag of Mexican food. They dig in, mostly quiet. 

“Hey, do you have weed?” Dean says. 

“Nope, all out,” Cas says flatly, then bursts out a laugh at the expression on Dean’s face. “Do you want to smoke?” 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” 

Cas packs a bowl and hands it off to Dean. Dean is unpracticed and a little goofy smoking, and Cas never gets tired of watching him. 

“You still haven’t told me what this book is about,” Dean says. 

“It’s… different than the others,” Cas says, an understatement. His editor had a bit of a fit when he first submitted the outline. “It’s about witches. And family.” 

Dean licks a stray bit of guacamole off his thumb. “Can I read it?” 

Cas laughs. “I think I would die of embarrassment if I let you see a first draft before I’ve even done a read-through.” 

“Please?” 

Cas shakes his head and hands Dean the bong. 

It takes almost nothing to get Dean high, so before long he’s leaving his food behind on the coffee table and molding himself to Cas’s side on the couch, kissing his neck. “Cas,” he says, muffled, between kisses. “Missed you.”

Cas is so fucked. 

“Can I ride you?” Dean says. 

“I would love that.” 

“Don’t move. Or, well, take your clothes off, but stay where you’re at.” 

Dean goes into the bedroom and comes back with lube and a strip of condoms. He drops both on the cushion next to Cas and starts stripping off his clothes. Dean is shockingly handsome and Cas never wants to look at anyone else again. 

Dean straddles Cas’s lap and kisses him, one hand drifting down to squeeze his cock. “Can we do it like that one time?” Dean says. 

Cas knows which time he’s talking about, and he’s not talking about the position but whatever else was happening between them that night, the thing Cas is trying to separate from. “Yeah,” Cas says, and lets Dean kiss him however he wants. 

Dean grabs lube, uses it to stroke Cas’s cock until he’s hard and straining. Dean picks up a condom but just fiddles it in his hands. “Can we, um. Without?” 

Cas goes slack-jawed, but he forces out, “This is not the time to talk about that.” 

Dean looks down like it’s taking a lot of concentration to tear open the package, roll it on to Cas, and slick him up. Cas can practically see the self-doubt whirlwinding in Dean’s mind. 

“‘Like that time’ means you have to kiss me,” Cas says. 

Dean looks up and smiles, a little shy, then kisses Cas with just a brush of lips. Like a first kiss, before you’ve learned to taunt and tease with your mouth. It’s sweet and innocent, despite the fact that Dean is rising up a bit on his knees so he can get in a better position to take Cas’s cock. 

Cas holds Dean’s hips just enough to support him as he slides down, not enough to leave fingerprints. Dean’s eyes close, mouth pinched a little tight, and Cas says, “Sweetheart, you should’ve let me —” 

“I didn’t want to wait. And I, um, did it earlier anyway.” 

“You fingered yourself?” 

Dean settles in Cas’s lap and lets out a breath, rolling his hips just once. “Yeah.” 

Cas pulls Dean down for a kiss, full and slow. “How often do you do it?” 

“Just since you’ve been busy,” Dean says, then repeats, “I missed you.” 

“I’m sorry for neglecting you,” Cas says, gasping a bit as Dean rolls his hips again. 

Cas assumed that his memory of “that one time” had to be degraded by time and all the weed they’d smoked that day and hadn’t let himself think about doing it again. It would probably be a disappointment anyway, he told himself a few days ago as he cracked his palm across Dean’s face. 

Cas insisted to himself that it would be fine if they want back to fast and bruising all the time. Cas loves to make Dean feel good, and it feels good to Dean when it hurts a little. Cas has always enjoyed playing dom, too, so it doesn’t take a lot of convincing for him to pink up Dean’s cheeks or fuck Dean’s mouth deep and hard enough to make him hoarse. Dean isn’t even embarrassed for Cas to tease him about how much he likes to be smacked around anymore, so there’s no question that they are both getting plenty out of rough touches and tear tracks. 

This, though. Cas hadn’t misremembered; it may be even more intense than it was last time, the way Dean kisses him over and over without coming up for air, arms wrapped around Cas’s shoulders. 

“Am I doing ok? I’m not very good at this,” Dean says. 

Dean’s fantastic at fucking Cas in just about any position, but it’s true that he’s not as sure in his movements with Cas buried in him. Cas says, “You’re doing amazing,” and it’s not a lie. 

Lately, Cas spends most of his moments with Dean wishing he could live in them forever. This isn’t any different. It’s bad etiquette that they didn’t brush their teeth and are just kissing as deep as they can get inside each other while tasting like onions and bell peppers, and Dean’s hips stutter in and out of rhythm, and the couch is uncomfortable, and Cas has been subsisting mostly on uppers and weed all week so he’s not feeling his best. Objectively, it’s not likely to make it very high on Cas’s list of lifetime best moments, but he still wishes he was lucky enough to feel like this all the time. 

Dean’s mouth moves against Cas’s. The muscles of his thighs bunch and release under Cas’s hands. He’s got one hand in Cas’s hair and the other around his shoulder, holding him close. Dean only pauses the kisses to gasp  _ Cas _ when he gets the angle right. 

It’s overwhelming. It’s like nothing else Cas has ever experienced. There’s no way he’s separating himself from this. 

 

After, Dean stares at his and Cas’s hands together, resting on Cas’s stomach. Dean says, “Is now the time to talk about…” 

“Hmm?” 

“Condoms.” 

Cas presses his face in Dean’s hair, breathes him in. “I don’t think fluid bonding is a good idea.” 

“Is that what people call it? Gross.” 

Cas snorts. 

Dean is silent for a moment, and then says, “Is it because you’re sleeping with someone else?” 

“ _ No _ ,” Cas says. “But it’s not a good idea. We’re not even really together.” 

“Cas, I — I wanna see you.” 

“I’m right here.” 

“I mean, you know.” Dean says, squeezing Cas’s hand tighter. “Not just in bed.” 

“You want to take me out on a date, Dean?” Cas says.

Dean’s hands and mouth still, and Cas thinks he shouldn’t have said that. “Yeah,” Dean says finally. “Wanna -- we can go see a movie or something, I want to -- hold your fucking hand, kiss you during the boring parts. I‘m not ashamed of you, I’m really not.” 

Cas stays quiet, rubbing his thumb over Dean’s knuckles. 

“Unless you really -- you really don’t wanna, do you? Just want me to be your toy in secret?” 

Dean sounds so sad that Cas pulls him closer, presses his face harder into Dean’s hair. “You’re not a toy, Dean.” 

“I’m sorry,” Dean says, hiding his face up against Cas’s neck. “You’re so fucking good to me and I just -- I don’t know -- I dunno how to be good to you.” 

Cas tilts his chin up so he can look him in the face. “I never pegged you for a melancholy stoner.” 

“I’m not  _ melancholy. _ ” 

“Did you know that ‘spleen’ means ‘melancholy’ in French? Watching Dr. Sexy must be very confusing to native French speakers.” 

“Why would you even know that?” Dean grumbles. 

“I speak French,” Cas says.

“But you speak Spanish I thought?” 

Cas rolls his eyes, feeling ridiculously fond. “These things are not mutually exclusive.” 

“You’re too smart for me,” Dean says, kissing up Cas’s jaw. “But Charlie said I should be brave. So I’m trying to be brave.” He takes a quiet breath against Cas’s cheek. “I want to be with you for real.” 

“If you still feel that way when you’re sober,” Cas says, “I’ll think about it.” 


	17. INTERLUDE #5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _After a handful of days in a row of “soon,” Dean gives up. This is what he gets for opening his goddamn mouth. He just thought the way Cas looks at him had been different lately._

Cas pretty much disappears for a few weeks after that. Dean stops by a couple times to feed him and fuck him, quick and dirty, but Cas never brings up the dating thing and most of his texts are just to tell Dean he’s in a state of “optimum flow” and will make time for Dean soon, just not today. 

After a handful of days in a row of “soon,” Dean gives up. This is what he gets for opening his goddamn mouth. He just thought the way Cas looks at him had been different lately. 

 

Of course Dean caves and texts Cas after just three days of complete silence. 

**Dean:** I told Benny   
**Dean:** Not about us but about me

**Cas:** What about you? 

**Dean:** About me liking guys    
**Dean:** I guess I thought my whole life that I was straight so the way I felt about guys had to be the way everyone felt   
**Dean:** But then I met you   
**Dean:** You’re right that I was ashamed of you and I’m so fucking sorry 

**Cas:** What did he say? 

**Dean:** That he already knew

Benny didn’t even realize that the thing between Dean and Cas was supposed to be a secret. Specifically, he said:  _ Just figured you weren’t the public display type.  _

Dean wants to be the public display type in a way he never has before. He just  _ wants _ . 

**Cas:** I hope you don’t feel like I pressured you to do that. I’ve said some things to you that I shouldn’t have, but I only want the best for you.   
**Cas:** Even if that’s not me. 

**Dean:** Jesus Cas    
**Dean:** Is that what you really think?   
**Dean** : I asked you out! 

**Cas:** We should have this conversation in person. 

**Dean:** That’s fair I guess

**Cas:** Are you at home? Alone? 

**Dean:** Ya

**Cas:** I’ll be there in 30. 

 

Dean is still in sweatpants and a t-shirt with a hole in it. Usually he wouldn’t bother to get dressed if Cas is coming over — the clothes are just going to end up on the floor anyway — but he does this time. Being dumped in sweatpants sounds especially humiliating. 

Cas’s hair is a mess and he looks like he’s been sleepless, the circles under his eyes especially pronounced. “Hey,” Dean says. 

Cas stands up tall to kiss Dean while they’re still in the doorway. “I thought you’d forgotten that you said you wanted to be with me.” 

“Are you crazy? I’ve wanted — I mean, the Inias thing really fucked me up.” Dean looks away. “I guess I shouldn’t have said anything. I just thought maybe you wanted that too.” 

“You can tell me anything. Charlie and I both want you to be brave. But listen,” Cas says. “ _ Familiar _ is almost finished. Two weeks max. And then we’ll go out, ok?” 

“You don’t want to see me for two weeks?” Dean says, as evenly as he can. 

“No no no. I want to see you. But if we’re going to — I want to do it right. I don’t want to be half-thinking about a stupid book. I want you to have my complete attention.” 

Dean looks down, trying to hide a smile. “Kevin said the Blanton is cool.” 

“You want to go to an art museum? Or do you just think it’ll impress me?” 

“Maybe a little. I mean, I’ve never been to one before. I might like it.” 

“Ok, we’ll do art. But I get to pick the food,” Cas says. “Taco Bell.” 

“Sometimes I really hate you.” 

“Fine. Hat Creek. Burgers and sweet potato fries. Happy?” 

“Sometimes I really like you.” 

Cas kisses him again, sweet and pleased. “I have to tell you I don’t really know what I’m doing. It’s been a really long time since I was seeing someone.” 

“Me too. We’ll just make it up as we go.” 


	18. TIE ME TO THE BEDPOST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“God, you sound good,” Dean says, twisting his fingers just to get Cas to curse again. “Taste good. Smell good. I want you all the fucking time. And,” Dean says up against his ear, “you’re so gorgeous with my hand on your throat.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Tags** : Choking, Light Bondage

It’s late. Dean is in bed already, playing with his phone and wishing Cas would text him, and then the phone dings. Dean grins and says, “Speak of the devil,” because of course it’s Cas saying  _ It’s done. Come over.  _

When Dean unlocks Cas’s door, Cas gets up from the couch and throws himself at Dean, wrapping arms around his neck and kissing him soundly. Cas is shirtless, hair still wet from the shower. “There you are,” Cas says. 

“Here I am,” Dean smiles back. “Congratulations, baby.” 

“We will not speak of this book ever again.” Another kiss. “I owe you a date, but it’s too late so you’ll have to settle for taking your clothes off.” 

“We could do IHOP,” Dean says, stripping off his shirt. “You did eat today, right?” 

“Yes, mother,” Cas says. “But I don’t go to IHOP sober and I’m certainly not going for a first date.” 

Dean gets distracted with his own jeans unbuttoned but still on, sliding his hands around Cas’s hips and gripping tightly. Dean’s favorite part of a woman’s body has always been the soft curve of hips, the way his hands fit around them — but  _ goddamn _ , Cas’s hipbones, the straight lines of his side from thigh to shoulder, are even better.

“I want to do something to you,” Dean says. 

Cas arches into his touch. “Yeah? What’s that?” 

“Well,” Dean says, “several things, I guess. I want to tie you up. And blindfold you. And do whatever I want to you.” 

“I have the sex accessories to facilitate this, as you know,” Cas says, grinning. 

Dean spins him and nudges him back to the bedroom. “Right behind you.” 

Cas puts the cuffs on himself but lets Dean connect them to the headboard. With Cas laid out in front of him, Dean’s mouth goes dry. He can’t remember if he’s ever had this kind of access to Cas without Cas telling him what to do, and it makes him a little nervous and a lot excited. 

“Dean,” Cas says. When Dean meets his eyes, Cas’s smile is wide and happy. “You have to do the blindfold.” 

Dean twists it in his hands. “Are you sure —” 

“I trust you.” 

“I’m not going to do anything weird.” 

Cas laughs. “Ok, honey. Nothing weird.” 

Dean takes his clothes off, though he’s not necessarily planning on anything that will require it. He likes the way Cas watches him, though, like he never wants to look away, at least until Dean slides the blindfold over his head to rest against his eyes. 

“Can you see?” 

“Not a thing.” 

Dean leans over to kiss Cas and feels him smile into it. 

“What are you going to do to me?” 

“Do I have to tell you?” Dean says, scraping teeth down the side of Cas’s neck. 

“Not if —” Dean is pleased that Cas’s breath hitches. “Not if you don’t want to.” 

“Then I want to surprise you.” 

“The floor is yours.” 

Dean grins even though Cas can’t see it and nips at the knob of his collar bones. Cas is totally still as Dean kisses down his chest — self-restraint that Dean could never manage — but by the time Dean moves on to tonguing around both nipples, Cas shifts against the bonds around his wrists. 

“Yeah?” Dean says. “You like that?” 

“You know I do.” 

“Hmmm.” 

With Cas’s restless movements to spur him on, Dean spends a long time licking and sucking and biting each of Cas’s nipples in turn until Cas says, his voice a little strained, “ _ Dean _ .” 

Dean looks down and Cas is hard and curved against his stomach. “Is there something you want?” 

“I want you to suck my cock.” 

“Maybe  _ you’re _ going to be sucking  _ me _ .” 

Dean can imagine the way Cas would roll his eyes if they weren’t covered by a blindfold. “I know you, and I know you’re going to put your mouth on me sometime tonight.” 

“We’ll see,” Dean laughs, but he does start to kiss his way down Cas’s belly, a hand skirting the top of Cas’s thigh. Cas is usually thick with muscle but he’s a little thin now. He may have lied about eating today. 

“There you go. Good boy,” Cas says, and Dean rolls his eyes this time. 

“Are the cuffs loose enough for you to flip over? On your knees.” 

Cas grumbles and manages it with far more grace than Dean would. It takes Cas a few seconds to settle and then he’s almost purring as Dean strokes his hair. “Are you thinking of spanking me or fucking me?” 

Dean pauses the movement of his hand in Cas’s hair. “Do you want me to spank you? Do you like that?” 

“I’m ok with it, but I bet you would like it a lot more.” 

“Well, I wasn’t planning on spanking you. Maybe we can try that later.” 

Cas smirks, and only Cas could make an expression like that while tied up and blindfolded, ass in the air. “So you’re going to fuck me then.” 

Dean sighs. “You said I didn’t have to tell you.” 

“I did, but I’ve decided I don’t think your teasing is cute.” 

“I think I’m adorable,” Dean says, kissing down Cas’s spine. Cas spreads his knees further apart and arches backwards until his ass presses up against Dean’s cock. Dean shifts away and says, “Hey now.” 

Dean licks his lips, sliding his hands down to squeeze both of Cas’s cheeks. “Ok, so. I’ve never done this before so I might need a little direction.” 

“All right,” Cas says, sounding curious, though Dean thinks he must know where this is going. 

If Dean thinks about it too long, he’ll chicken out — more because he thinks he’ll probably do it wrong than anything else — so he’s quick about licking the flat of his tongue over Cas’s hole. 

Dean  wasn’t sure how Cas would react, but Cas says “oh,  _ fuck _ ” under his breath, and that’s as much of an encouragement as any. 

Dean doesn’t even think he’s that bad at it for a first attempt. He’ll never admit to the really embarrassing incognito googling he did for research, but Cas doesn’t seem to mind a tongue that is a little bit inexpert when it comes to the right kind of movements. It’s not  _ that _ different from licking pussy and Dean is a fast learner when it comes to getting Cas worked up. 

“I wish I could touch you,” Cas says between soft gasps. 

“Too bad,” Dean says. “You know, you’re awful impatient considering how much you like torturing me.” 

“I’m going to punish you later if you don’t shut up,” Cas says, but Dean can hear the smile in his voice. 

“Are your arms ok? Then I’ll shut up.” 

Cas wiggles his fingers. “Yes, I’m fine to proceed.” 

Dean stares at where Cas is shining wet and circles his rim with a fingertip. Cas twitches and does something sort of like a whimper and Dean thinks maybe part of why he is liking this so much is because he never thought he’d do it, and because it’s clear how much Cas likes it. 

Dean says, “Can I finger you?” 

“Not if you’re going to keep rimming me. You do not want to know what lube tastes like.” 

“Ok,” Dean says, and uses both his hands to spread Cas again. 

Cas’s moans are breathier and sweeter like this, like when Dean fucks him, and Dean hums happily. “Fuck,” Cas whispers again. “That’s so good.” 

“Yeah?” 

“You want to fuck me, don’t you? Because I really want you to.” 

Dean pulls back, licking his lips and circling a finger over Cas again. “You going to beg?” 

Cas laughs. “Of course not, but I am asking politely. I want you to choke me, too.” 

“If we do that, we’re taking off the cuffs and blindfold.” 

“Mmmhmm.” 

Dean grabs the lube and slicks up his fingers. Cas is uncoiled and relaxed, takes the first finger easily while Dean kisses wetly against his spine, sighs happily into it. Dean slides his finger in and out slowly and says, “Did I do ok? It seemed like you liked it.” 

“I like everything we do,” Cas says, “but yes, it was perfect.” 

Dean slides in another finger and strokes Cas’s flank. “Have I told you,” he starts, but can’t figure out how to end it. Says instead, “I think you’re perfect.” 

“Free me. I need to kiss you right now.” 

Dean laughs and leans up to pull the blindfold off of Cas, still two fingers deep in him. Cas is smiling but his eyes are intense, and as soon as Dean unclips his wrists, he shoves Dean off of him, turns around, and pulls Dean back in so fast Dean hardly processes it happening. Cas jerks Dean down to meet his mouth and they groan into each other, Dean fumbling a bit to get his fingers back in Cas. 

Dean presses a third finger into Cas and Cas makes a noise against his cheek. “Too much?” 

“Not enough.” 

Dean presses the tip of his pinkie against where his fingers are stretching Cas open, just testing. Cas says, “More lube, then yes, do that.” 

With just a little more coaxing, Dean is four fingers deep in him, Cas’s head tilted back to show the graceful curve of his throat. “Jesus, Dean,” Cas says, and says it again when Dean bites down his neck. 

“God, you sound good,” Dean says, twisting his fingers just to get Cas to curse again. “Taste good.  _ Smell _ good. I want you all the fucking time.” 

Cas clenches a hand in Dean’s hair and rides down against his fingers. 

“And,” Dean says up against his ear, “you’re so gorgeous with my hand on your throat.” 

The next noise Cas makes is higher-pitched, needier. Dean grins into his cheek, wondering if Cas loves his desperation as much as Dean is loving Cas’s. “I’m going to make you come so good,” Dean says, just to feel Cas’s hand scrabble to pull him closer by the shoulder, just to hear him keen again. “You said you weren’t going to beg.”

“I haven’t yet,” Cas says, grinning and a little out of breath. 

Dean reaches for a condom and gets his mouth back on Cas’s as he’s pushing in. Dean’s not thinking much at all about anything other than the way Cas feels, but he’s vaguely aware that it’s been a long time since they did it like this. All of Dean’s early memories of Cas are of filling Cas with his cock, and Cas liked it enough to make Dean want to try it. Now Cas is gasping into Dean’s mouth, urging him deeper with his hands, and Dean can’t even figure out which sensation to focus on. 

“I missed you,” Dean says. 

“I missed you, too. Don’t let me do that again.” 

Dean fucks him deep and slow until Cas starts to make little sounds again — ones that still sound a lot like begging to Dean — and then Dean strokes his fingertips down the side of Cas’s neck. “Touch yourself,” Dean says, and Cas starts stroking himself between their stomachs. “Look at me.” 

Cas raises his eyes back to Dean’s. His mouth is wet and swollen, skin pink. Dean watches while Cas gets closer to coming, the way his eyes flutter closed before he remembers himself. “There you go,” Dean murmurs, and closes his hand around Cas’s throat. 

They don’t do this all that often. The idea of hurting Cas makes Dean feel sick, so even when Cas is asking for it, Dean can’t always provide. The first time, Dean couldn’t even imagine that Cas was serious about liking it until he saw the look on Cas’s face. The way Cas looked at him afterwards, too, smiling easily, higher than Dean has ever seen him on Dean’s touch alone. 

Cas squeezes his hand on Dean’s hip, an encouragement. Cas has tapped out before and Dean was almost glad to know what it felt like, to know that he would recognize when to stop, and this is definitely not that. Cas’s eyelashes flutter again but he keeps his eyes on Dean’s, and then he’s coming between them. Dean doesn’t let him have air again until it’s over, and then Cas breathes in, deep and heaving, and gives Dean that sex-stoned smile Dean likes so much. 

Cas pulls Dean down for a dirty kiss before he’s even begun to catch his breath. “Do you want to come in my mouth?” Cas says. 

“I like where I’m at,” Dean says. 

Being fucked after already coming is strange. It’s not the same too-sensitive as having his dick touched afterwards, but it’s a different sensation when loosened up and not so desperate. Dean and Cas both like it; Dean sometimes thinks that’s the time he’s closest to Cas, when his own pleasure has lost its urgency. Cas kisses Dean like he feels the same way. 

Dean groans into Cas’s neck as he comes and keeps peppering the pink marks on Cas’s skin as he comes down. “Thank you, sweetheart,” Cas says, smiling. 

“You’re welcome,” Dean says. He manages to separate long enough to toss the condom before Cas is wrapping his octopus arms around Dean and pulling him in again. 

Cas kisses Dean’s forehead and says, “I’m giving up writing so I don’t have to miss you like that again.” 

“You are not,” Dean says, still nuzzling against his neck. 

“Fine. I’ll do a book every five years like George RR Martin.” 

“Will you be my sugar daddy anyway?” 

“Always.” 

Dean comes out from Cas’s neck to kiss him, mouths soft and lips parted. Cas kisses him again, and then again. Dean’s heart pounds, for a different reason than before. Cas’s touches — his kisses specifically — are definitely different than they used to be, though Dean is having trouble pinpointing how long ago the change actually happened. 

“Are we going out tomorrow?” Dean says. 

“I think we should wait awhile longer,” Cas says, and Dean is already starting to cringe away before he sees the way Cas is smiling, eyes bright. 

“Don’t make fun of me,” Dean pouts. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas says. “I really adore you.” 

Dean is going to have a smile stuck on his face for at least a week. 


	19. SOMETHING NEW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dean is not the kind of man who gets upset when another man’s eyes linger too long on him. He figures it’s flattering the same way it is when a woman gives him that appreciative look, but it doesn’t mean anything. He can admit when a guy’s handsome — fucking exquisite — without that meaning anything, either._
> 
> _This guy, though. He’s artfully tousled, stunning, and his gaze is sharp and assessing, like he can see more of Dean than Dean knows about himself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **this is a flashback, a retelling of _all-encompassing_ from dean's pov**

It’s been a really shitty day. Dean got chewed out for someone else’s mistake by a customer and then again by Rufus. He’s tried not to drink so much lately — the guy at the liquor store by his place has become a little too familiar — but if he ever needed a stiff one, it’s now.

The waitress who serves him his Jack and Coke is cute and maybe on a better day he’d try to pick her up, but today is not that day. Halfway through his first drink, he takes a quick glance around the bar. There’s not a lot of people here, most of the chatter from a couple of guys at a booth in the corner. Dean can feel the weight of the dark-haired one’s gaze.

Dean is not the kind of man who gets upset when another man’s eyes linger too long on him. He figures it’s flattering the same way it is when a woman gives him that appreciative look, but it doesn’t mean anything. He can admit when a guy’s handsome — fucking _exquisite_ — without that meaning anything, either.

This guy, though. He’s artfully tousled, stunning, and his gaze is sharp and assessing, like he can see more of Dean than Dean knows about himself.

Dean flushes red and looks away. Before he can shake it off, the guy perches on the edge of the barstool at Dean’s right. “Can I get you another?”

“Um. Yeah, sure.”

“Two Jacks.”

Dean says, “Make mine a double.”

“I’m Cas,” the guy says, and holds out his hand like they just met at a business meeting.

“Dean.”

Cas is a little bit of a flirt, albeit in his own strange manner, and Dean warms to him quickly in a way he hadn’t expected. Dean is still surprised when his eyes catch on the bow of Cas’s mouth.

“Let’s get out of here,” Cas says.

“Yeah. Ok,” Dean says, as if from outside his body. He finishes his drink in a few swallows, figuring the liquid courage can’t hurt for whatever comes next.

In the evening chill, Cas says, “My brother brought me, mind giving me a ride?”

Dean doesn’t know what to say in the car. He likes to brag about the Impala, usually bores other people to death with it, but he can’t figure out how to look at Cas, much less talk to him. He still follows Cas up the stairs to his second-floor apartment, though. It smells a little like weed inside.

“You have a lot of books,” Dean says.

“I’m a writer.”

Dean is too caught up in watching Cas’s ass as he bends over to pull off his boots to give any sort of considered answer to that.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

This went off the rails somehow. Dean didn’t mean to do this — to let some guy in a bar take him home — but the idea of Cas’s mouth on his has him licking his lips, tense and waiting.

Dean kissed a boy once before. It was high school but he was still mostly a kid, and there was another player on the baseball team that smiled in a way that made butterflies fill Dean’s stomach. Dean had kissed lots of girls by then, gotten clothes off of some of them, but he was shy and fumbling with Linus. They hadn’t even advanced to tongue before John whisked Dean and Sam off to the next get-rich-quick scheme, some kind of hurricane recovery gig in Florida. Dean hated that move more than any other.

Cas’s kiss isn’t like that. It’s fierce, the rough of his stubble scraping Dean’s face red. “Fuck,” Dean says, and then gets his mouth back on Cas’s as fast as possible. Women kiss delicate and sweet, tongues small when they reach into Dean’s mouth, but Cas is a whirlwind. Dean doesn’t fight it when Cas tugs him down the hall without breaking the kiss.

Cas pulls away long enough to bathe the room in the soft glow of a lamp, and then Dean is pressing his face into Cas’s neck, leaving wet kisses and bites in his wake.

Dean’s leather jacket, the one that used to be his dad’s, hits the floor. “You are wearing way too many clothes,” Cas says.

Dean backs up only to get tangled trying to take off his shirt. “So are you.”

Cas gets out of his own shirt, far more gracefully than Dean did, and Dean’s heart stops. “Jesus,” Dean says.

Dean has to kiss Cas again — _has_ to — but he’s not sure what to do with his hands. There were never any romance movies to teach him about this, and porn has never told him what it would feel like to have a chest that doesn’t give so easily pressed up against him. Cas solves this for him, taking one of Dean’s hands and sliding it downwards, past Cas’s stupidly perfect abs and the hair on his lower belly, to where Cas is already getting hard.

If Dean had found some way to deny what he was getting into before, it’s all out the window now. He hesitates, unsure, before cautiously feeling the way Cas’s cock is pressed up against the fly of his jeans. Dean thinks Cas is probably bigger than him and doesn’t know how to feel about it.

There are other places Dean is suddenly dying to touch. Cas’s ass is firm and unyielding when Dean grabs at it to pull him closer. The shifting planes in the muscles in his back and shoulders are fascinating, don’t feel much different than when Dean touches his own shoulders but burns hot in his gut all the same.

Dean is not ready to let Cas go and makes a pathetic noise when Cas separates from him, but then Cas’s hands are at his fly and that seems like a great idea, and then Cas is on his knees and that seems like the _best_ idea. The first quick swipe of Cas’s tongue at the head of him is almost violent in the way it makes Dean’s knees go weak.

Cas says, “Can I?”

It takes Dean a few seconds and a couple lip-licks before he can find his voice. “Yeah. Yeah.”

Dean has never felt like anything was missing from his sex life. He has a vague memory of things being different with Cassie, more intense for no other reason than the way he felt about her, but it’s never been like Cas taking Dean’s cock into his mouth with steady confidence, his eyes on Dean’s. “ _Cas_ ,” Dean says.

When Dean’s hips twitch — he was trying to stay polite, but something about Cas makes it harder to control his body — Cas moans like the nudge of Dean’s cock against the back of his throat is the best thing he’s ever felt. And the hand on Dean’s hip is certainly encouraging, guiding Dean to thrust into Cas’s pliant mouth.

“Cas — fuck, Cas — I’m gonna —”

Dean wants to cry when Cas pulls off. “Not quite yet.”

“Ok,” Dean says. He’s always prided himself in being a giving lover, someone who prioritizes his partner’s pleasure over his own, but he realizes he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do here. “But I should -- for you, shouldn’t I? Suck you?”

Cas gestures to the bed. “Let me take care of you. You’ve received blowjobs before, yes?”

Dean manages to laugh. “Yeah, Cas.”

“So let’s try something new. Get in bed.”

 _Something new_. Dean’s not sure he likes the sound of that. Cas’s mouth was too good to think too much of what they were doing, but he’s suddenly aware of all the things Cas might want from him. Still, he ends up on the bed, stroking his cock as he watches Cas peel out of his jeans.

Cas is definitely bigger than Dean, and Dean is almost intimidated by it. When he looks up, Cas is smiling at him, and Dean can feel his face heat. “Look all you want,” Cas says.

Cas digs around in his drawer for a minute and comes up with a bottle of lube, tossing it on the bed next to Dean. “Hey, man,” Dean says, voice tight. “I don’t -- I don’t know what you -- I don’t _do that_.”

“Relax,” Cas says, pushing Dean back into bed with a hand on his chest. “I know.”

At least half of Dean is still ready to flee, but then Cas kisses him again, carefully, and Dean melts into it. By the time Dean is aware of anything else, Cas is straddled across his thighs but not quite touching.

Dean and Cas are still almost kissing when Cas says, “We can stop if you want. Just tell me.”

Dean should say, _yeah, stop, I’m out of here_ , but instead he’s emboldened and leans up until their mouths meet, grabs Cas’s hips to pull him closer. Dean has never touched another man’s dick before, but now there’s one slipping through the pre-come on Dean’s belly, and Dean has never felt anything like it. It’s iron-hard silken heat, and Cas’s teeth are sharp as he bites into the side of Dean’s neck, and all Dean can do is moan, “ _Cas_.”

“You’re ok,” Cas says, covering one of Dean’s nipples with his mouth.

It’s so fucking good. Most of the fucks in his life have been with women who don’t even try to find out how sensitive his nipples are, and he doesn’t know how to bring it up. Cas can tell, though, and worries his teeth over each of Dean’s nipples in turn until Dean is gasping.

Dean hears the lube cap open. “Hey, look at me,” Cas says. “Are you ok?”

“I -- I -- yeah. Yeah. I’m ok.”

Cas gets a slick hand around both of them, and Dean looks down to see Cas’s long and slender fingers wrapped around where they’re both hard and aching. If Dean had any thoughts past the blinding pleasure, he might be freaking out.

“You don’t have to watch,” Cas says, “just feel it for me, ok? Does it feel good?”

“Yeah,” Dean says, voice weak and thready.

Cas kisses the side of his head, so tender, and says, “Dean, help me out. Put your hand on us.”

As soon as Dean’s hand is squeezing around both of their cocks, fingers laced with Cas’s, Cas moans out, “ _Dean_.”

“Cas,” Dean says back, breath against the soft shell of Cas’s ear.

“Show me how you like it,” Cas says.

Dean likes it however Cas wants to give it to him, but he tightens his fingers, rubbing his thumb over the head of their dicks, letting pre-come ease the slide even more. “Does that -- is that -- is it good?”

“Perfect,” Cas says, and Dean is suddenly a hair’s edge away from orgasm. “Are you going to come for me?”

“Fuck, fuck,” Dean says, and comes like he’s being pulled into an undertow.

Dean’s hand drops away, and later he won’t even be able to remember the specifics of Cas coming, the way he sounded or smelled or tasted, as Dean drowned underneath him.

After Cas cleans them up with the t-shirt he was in earlier, he licks a bit of come off his thumb. Dean’s not sure whose it is but he doesn’t care. Either would have him wishing he could get hard again, help Cas make more of a mess.

Without keeping his mouth busy on Cas’s, Dean isn’t sure what to say again. “Um.”

“Are you always this smooth after sex?” Cas says, teasing.

“I mean. We didn’t…”

“You don’t think that was sex?”

“I just don’t -- I’m not -- not like that.”

Cas kisses his cheek. Dean doesn’t know the last time someone did that to him. “But you did enjoy yourself.”

Dean looks over at him, quick, before looking away again. Cas is gorgeous, almost celestial in the dim light. “Yeah.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

Dean’s brain says he needs to get the hell out of this warm and book-filled apartment, but his heart turns him towards Cas and tells him to accept a kiss. Dean isn’t sure who starts the second kiss, but it leads into lazy making out, blood still hazy with post-coital bliss. Cas’s hand pets through Dean’s hair.

“I gotta get home,” Dean says, staring at Cas’s lips a few extra beats before rolling out of bed and collecting his scattered clothing.

“Give me your phone,” Cas says. “I’ll text myself in case you want to hang out again.”

Dean uses his thumb to unlock the phone and hands it over even though he has no intention of seeing Cas again. If no one knows about it, then it never happened, and Dean won’t have to think about what it means.

He manages to hold out for almost two weeks before he texts Cas in a fit of half-drunken longing. _Busy later?_


	20. CIPHERABLE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“We didn't talk about — can I hold your hand? Can I kiss you? Am I supposed to pretend I didn’t see you naked this morning?”_
> 
> _Dean pulls into a parking garage and is quiet while he waits for the ticket to print._
> 
> _“Dean,” Cas says. “It’s ok.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to my darling laterbean [fanforfanatic](http://fanforfanatic.tumblr.com) and [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) (who is a big jerk to me tbh but i like him anyway) for the read-through. 
> 
> as always, thanks to the rest of you for putting up with me. <3
> 
>  **Tags** : Spanking

They’ve only actually stayed over at one of their apartments a few times. There’ve been plenty of sex-drunk naps, but those rarely last longer than it would take them to get going again. It’s just not something they do, Dean learned early on. 

Apparently it’s something they do now. It’s different, waking up next to another warm body after an unsettling dream, waking up in the morning with a hard cock pressed against your ass. 

“Mmm,” Cas says, grabbing Dean’s hip to grind up against him again. “Apparently I can’t get enough of you even when I’m sleeping.” 

“You gonna follow up on that?” Dean says, arching backwards, baring his neck for Cas’s mouth. 

“You’re going to be a problem, aren’t you?” Cas says, and gives Dean’s ass a quick swat. 

Dean’s brain stutters to a stop. He hadn’t ever really considered it until Cas brought it up the night before, but he fell asleep wondering.  _ I bet you would like it a lot more.  _

“Are you ok?” Cas says. 

“Do you want to,” Dean starts. 

“Fuck you so good you cry? Yes.” 

Dean is glad he doesn’t have to look at Cas when he says, “You said I might like spanking.” 

Cas squeezes his ass, bites gently at his shoulder. “You know when I say things like that, I’m not implying we have to do it, don’t you?” 

“I know. But — I want to.” 

“Let’s take a shower first.” 

Cas kisses Dean long and slow while he shampoos his hair and rubs soap down his back. When Dean starts on Cas’s hair, Cas says, “We need to talk about safewords.” 

“What? Like,  _ 50 Shades of Grey _ ?” 

“Yes, Dean, just like  _ 50 Shades of Grey _ .” Cas rolls his eyes. “Seriously though. I’ve been irresponsible. I didn’t think about you going into subspace.” 

“You’re kinda talking over my head here.” 

“The thing that happens sometimes when I hit you? I don’t know how it feels for you, but for me it’s almost like an out-of-body experience. Everything stops hurting; it’s all just endorphins. It’s like being high on your own body. That’s subspace.” 

“Oh,” Dean says. 

“That’s why I like to stay over afterwards. Sometimes it doesn’t go well if you have to come down from that alone.” 

“I think I can handle a little rough sex, Cas.” 

“What’s your safeword? The one that means ‘stop everything right now, this is not ok’?” 

“Spiderman,” Dean says, and Cas laughs.

“I also like stop lights -- green means go, yellow means proceed with caution, red is another safeword.” 

“Do you do this a lot? Beat people up in bed?”

“Not that often. But you,” Cas says, nipping at Dean’s jaw, “really like it, and I,” a sharp bite to his neck, “really like making you happy.” 

Dean shivers. “I like making you happy, too.” 

Cas pulls backwards to look at Dean, giving him a ridiculously tender smile, soap suds sliding down his chest. Dean guides Cas under the spray to rinse before kissing him again, tongues stroking together as Cas grabs Dean’s ass and pulls him in tighter. 

“Come on,” Dean says, “before I get too nervous.” 

They dry off quickly. Back in the bedroom, Cas says, “I think I want you on your hands and knees.” 

While Dean climbs in bed, Cas grabs the lube and slicks up his fingers. “Thought you were going to spank me?” Dean says. 

“I’m not even touching you and I can tell how tense you are.” Cas presses up against Dean’s back, kisses his neck. “When was the last time I told you that you’re gorgeous?”

“Dunno. Probably last night.” 

Cas chuckles and circles a finger around the edges of Dean’s hole. Dean’s breath shudders as Cas slides his finger in, now kissing across Dean’s shoulder. “Shh, darling,” Cas murmurs. “You know we’ll stop if you don’t like it.” 

More fingers, Cas slow and gentle with his movements, starting to kiss wetly down the center of Dean’s back.  “You said —” Dean cuts off with a whimper as Cas’s fingers crook inside him, then tries again. “You said lube tastes bad.” 

“Well, I made that bed, and I’m going to lie in it.” 

Cas pulls his fingers out and replaces them with his tongue. “Fuck,” Dean breathes, falling down to his elbows.

Cas licks him open, sweet and relentless, until Dean is shifting restlessly. Cas pushes his tongue into Dean one last time before pulling back and smacking one of Dean’s ass cheeks. 

It’s not hard at all, and it doesn’t hurt anywhere near like it does when Cas slaps him, but Dean still jerks in surprise. Cas kneads Dean’s ass in his hands and then smacks again, forcing Dean’s eyes closed. He lets out a long breath. 

“You like it,” Cas says, sounding pleased. 

“Ah — yeah.” 

“Harder?” 

Dean licks his lips. “Yeah.” 

Cas spanks him a few more times, hard enough that Dean’s sure his ass is turning pink, then Cas squeezes Dean again and brings his hand down on the other side, much harder. Dean pants and clenches his hands in the sheets. 

“We’re not done with that,” Cas says, “but I need to fuck you.” 

Dean nods into the pillow and listens as Cas rips open a condom and slicks himself up. Cas pushes into him all at once, like he can’t wait another second, and it punches a groan out of Dean. 

Cas’s hits get rougher, several on each side while Dean whines and moans, and he fucks Dean rough, too, more than he’s done in awhile. It’s wild and unbelievable, Cas smacking him with one hand and using the other to hold Dean down by the hair, as if Dean wants to be anywhere else. 

“Your ass looks so pretty all red,” Cas says. He hits Dean a handful more times, then wraps his fingers around Dean’s cock, stroking fast. “I want to bruise you up, make you feel it tomorrow.” 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dean says. 

“Yeah, baby, come for me,” Cas says, close to Dean’s ear. 

Dean’s whole body shakes as he comes, and he would collapse completely if Cas didn’t rush to wrap his arm around his chest. “Fuck,” Cas mutters, thrusting a little faster until he comes, too. 

Cas helps lower Dean down to the bed and curls up behind him, stroking his fingers through the mess on Dean’s stomach. “Jesus,” Dean says. 

“Agreed.” 

“We’re still going on a date, but I need a nap first.” 

Dean’s still in a hazy half-asleep place when Cas says, “Dean.” 

“Mmhmm?” 

“I just realized you’re mine all the time now.” 

“Mmhmm.” Dean isn’t quite awake enough to say,  _ Been yours for a long time. _

 

Dean’s circling the Impala around downtown, bickering with Cas about parking spaces, and Cas says, “Hang on, we didn’t talk about this.” 

“We didn’t talk about how you think I’m going to park Baby  _ on the street _ ? No, we didn’t, and we’ll never discuss it again.” 

Cas rolls his eyes and pinches Dean’s arm. “We didn't talk about — can I hold your hand? Can I kiss you? Am I supposed to pretend I didn’t see you naked this morning?” 

Dean pulls into a parking garage and is quiet while he waits for the ticket to print. 

“Dean,” Cas says. “It’s ok.” 

“No, I — I want that with you.” 

“This is a very queer-friendly city,” Cas says. “It’s part of why I moved here in the first place. But it took me a long time before I could let go of all the bullshit my father projected onto me.” 

Dean pulls into a spot, shifts into Park. He can feel Cas’s eyes on him. Cas says again, “It’s ok.” 

“No, it’s not, Cas. I’m so fucking pissed at myself that I would ever make you feel like that. Like I’m not proud to know you.” 

Dean takes off his seatbelt. He leans over to cup Cas’s jaw in his palm and kiss him gently. They’ve done far worse things in a parking lot but it feels bigger somehow, the way Cas smiles at him, and Dean doesn’t hesitate to grab his hand as they ride the elevator down to the street level. 

“It’s not just you. I was never really into this whole thing at all,” Dean says, gesturing at their clasped hands. 

“We were both different when we met.” 

Waiting at a crosswalk, Dean can’t help but give a quick glance around before he pulls Cas a little closer and kisses his temple. Dean’s not sure what he expects to happen — it  _ is _ a very queer-friendly city — but no one seems to notice them at all. Cas squeezes his hand and tilts his chin up for a kiss on the mouth, and Dean is happy to oblige until the crosswalk starts beeping. 

Dean isn’t entirely sure what he expects from an art museum, either, but it’s not this: a room full of pages, six hundred-some of them, written in a language no one but the artist understands. Dean stares for a long time, entranced. 

“That’s what writing feels like sometimes,” Cas says. “Like it’s always coming out indecipherable.” 

“I dunno, I think your writing is very cipherable.” 

“I think you’re trying to be cute because you don’t know that is actually a word.” 

“Shut up.” 

Cas laughs and rubs his hand across the small of Dean’s back. “I also think you’re just trying to butter me up to read  _ Familiar _ .” 

Dean can’t stop smiling. Being with Cas is simple, Dean’s favorite part of his daily routine, except now it’s better because he knows Cas’s attentions are more than fleeting. And even staring at the other exhibits, some of which Dean thinks are pretty cool and some of which definitely are not, Dean knows Cas’s attention is really on him. It’s in the way he’s always touching Dean, casual like he knows where he belongs. 

Over dinner, Cas says, “You never told me what you said when Charlie asked if I was your boyfriend.” 

“Are  _ you _ fishing?” Dean takes a bite of his burger so he doesn’t have to answer for another moment. “I told her it wasn’t anything and she said I was a liar and she was right.” 

Cas bumps his foot against Dean’s under the table. “I’ve never had a real boyfriend.” 

Dean looks up in surprise. “Really?” 

“Other things always seemed more important. Writing, various vices,” Cas says with a cheeky smile. “I’m glad you’re my first.” 

Cas lets Dean pay and holds his hand all the way back to the car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [xu bing's "book from the sky"](https://blantonmuseum.org/exhibition/xu-bing-book-from-the-sky/)


	21. INTERLUDE #6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dean’s heart stops, but he’s already telling himself he shouldn’t be surprised._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my whole life is a haze but i'm pretty sure [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) and [fanforfanatic](http://fanforfanatic.tumblr.com) looked this over for me 
> 
> **Tags:** References to past drug abuse

Dean walks into Cas’s apartment and there’s a guy fiddling at one of Cas’s bookcases. 

Dean’s heart stops, but he’s already telling himself he shouldn’t be surprised as the man turns towards him. “Sorry,” Dean says, “I’ll go.”

“Oooh. Are you the one who made an honest man out of little Castiel?” 

“What?” 

“Are you the boyfriend?” 

Cas comes out of his bedroom, wearing one of Dean’s t-shirts that Dean doesn’t remember leaving behind. “Jesus, Gabe. Dean, this is my asshole brother. I was trying to get rid of him before you got here.” 

“I love this habit you’ve developed of abandoning me for him,” Gabe says. “When was the last time we even saw each other?” 

“It hasn’t been long enough,” Cas says. “Go away or you’ll end up seeing my dick again.” 

“Answer my phone calls. Or at least my texts. I worry you’ve drugged yourself to death.” 

“Weed has never killed anyone.” 

Gabe gives him a  _ Look _ . “That’s all you’re doing these days?”

Cas rolls his eyes. “Sometimes Vyvanse. You know I’ve been clean for fucking  _ years _ .” 

“I’ll leave,” Gabe says, grinning at Dean, “but I’ll be interrogating you later.” 

“I, uh, look forward to it.” 

Cas is pressed up to Dean before Gabe even makes it out the door, kissing him long and heated. When he pulls away, he says, “I saw your face and — I would never do that to you. You know that, right?” 

“It would be pretty tacky of you to wear my shirt while hooking up with someone else,” Dean says, but his heart is still pounding a little. 

Cas looks down at himself and laughs. “I hope it’s not your favorite because you’re not getting it back.” 

It used to be Dean’s favorite, but now it’s his favorite to see on Cas. “Can I ask you something though?” 

“Of course.” 

“He was talking about drugs.” 

“That’s not a question, but yes, I had a drug problem, and then I went to rehab. And then I went to rehab again. It took the second time,” Cas says. “Gabe is over-worrying. It hasn’t been an issue in a long time.” 

“What was it?” 

“Mostly opiates. Heroin a couple times, but I was much more fond of oxy.” 

“You gave me oxy once,” Dean says. 

“I… tend to keep some around, but I don’t touch it. I’ll do a drug test if you want,” Cas says, and Dean shakes his head. “Come here.” 

Dean follows Cas into the bathroom, watching as he digs around underneath the sink and comes out with a big pill bottle, half full. “Do you want any of this in case you get hurt again?” 

“No, I’m ok,” Dean says. 

“Look.” Cas pops the cap and dumps them into the toilet. “I don’t want you to worry about that.” 

“I believe you.” 

Cas pushes Dean back out into the living room and kisses him soundly. “I have something else to say,” Cas says, touching Dean’s chin so he’ll meet his eyes. “Inias — that was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. I deserve it if you don’t trust me now. But I promise, I’ll never hurt you like that again. I told you you could come over any time because I don’t have anything to hide from you.” 

“Other than the dirty laundry in your closet.” 

“That’s hidden as much from me as from you.” 

“And sometimes you hide yourself when you’re writing,” Dean says. 

“Well, you have a key, so I can ignore you while you’re here if you’d prefer.” 

“You’re such an asshole. Want to eat out or in?” 

Cas smiles, wide and bright. “In, because the things I want to do with you while we wait are not acceptable in public.” 


	22. LEFT-HAND MAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas takes it easier the next few times, worrying a little about bruising Dean’s face, but then Dean says, “You’re not going to hurt me,” and Cas hits him_ hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) for the read through
> 
>  **Tags** : Face fucking, facials, slapping, sub drop

Nothing’s different, and everything’s different. Cas didn’t realize how entangled they were already in each other’s lives, the amount of clothes they’d already swapped, borrowed books stacked in Dean’s apartment, his fridge full of food that only Dean would ever cook. Now they share a bed most nights, too, and make out in Cas’s shower before Dean goes to work, and fuck on the couch after dinner.

Cas didn’t think he’d be very good at this relationship thing — he wasn’t even sure he’d like it — but he’s never been so happy before. He tries to be more effusive with his praise, to tell Dean how important he’s become in his life, because Dean doubts himself so easily when Cas no longer doubts him at all.

Dean was working on dinner when Cas came home from a meeting with his agent, and he shoved Cas up against the counter and pulled down his pants to swallow his cock. Now Cas winds his fingers in Dean’s hair, just holding on for the ride. Dean is beautiful on his knees and so eager to pleasure Cas, and like usual, Cas can’t take his eyes off him.

“Fuck, Dean,” Cas groans.

Dean pulls off and says, “Want to come on my face?”

Cas curses and says, “What about dinner?”

“It can wait,” Dean says. He runs the flat of his tongue all the way up the underside of Cas’s cock, looking up from under his eyelashes. He must know the way that look effects Cas. “I know you want to fuck my mouth and come on my face. Come on.”

Dean has never offered this before. Cas wants it, though, is dying to mark him up in every way he can. “Open your mouth.”

Dean is so sweet in his obedience. Cas takes it easy at first, gliding in and out of Dean’s mouth with a quiet rhythm, but Dean takes it so well now, relaxing as Cas’s cock pushes into his throat.

“Look how good you are,” Cas says. “I don’t deserve you.”

Because he loves to see Dean’s cheeks turn pink, Cas pulls out of his mouth and slaps his palm across Dean’s face. Dean whimpers and Cas grabs him by the chin to get him back in position to take his cock again.

When Cas is just on the precipice of orgasm, he pulls out, hitting Dean across the face again as he starts stroking his cock. “Close your eyes,” Cas says.

Dean closes his eyes and tilts his face up. His lips are parted and red, eyelashes long and delicate on his cheek. He’s the most beautiful thing Cas has ever seen.

Cas chokes on a moan when he comes, stares as he stripes Dean’s face white. Dean licks his lips clean, and maybe he _doesn’t_ know the effect he has on Cas, because it doesn’t look like a show for Cas’s benefit.

Cas uses the edge of his shirt to gently wipe Dean’s eyes. When Dean opens to look up at Cas, he’s a little stunned. Cas swipes his thumb through the mess on Dean’s cheek and feeds it to him. “Are you ok?”

“Hit me again.”

“Say please,” Cas says, grinning.

“Please.”

Cas hits Dean hard enough to turn his head, his hand smearing through the come on Dean’s face. “Do you remember your safeword?”

“Yeah.”

“Good boy,” Cas says, and hits him again, and again, until Dean’s face is flaming and his fingers are clenching Cas’s thighs. Cas wishes he could get hard again already to fuck him. “Still ok?”

Dean nods and manages to open his eyes to look at Cas, though he still looks like he’s far away.

Cas says, “What do you want?”

“Um, whatever — whatever you want.”

Cas tilts his head to the side, runs his thumb over Dean’s bottom lip. “Go to bed and get naked.”

Cas double-checks there’s nothing on in the kitchen that could potentially set the place on fire before joining Dean in the bed Cas has started to think of as _theirs_. Dean’s stroking his cock, too clear-eyed for Cas’s taste, so Cas smacks him and then then kisses him. “You keep doing that,” Cas says, “and I’ll fuck you with my fingers.”

“Yeah, please,” Dean says, stealing another kiss while Cas reaches for the lube. Nearly gone, again. Cas has been around a lot but never gone through lube and condoms as fast as they have been lately.

Cas slides two fingers into Dean at once, bending over him to swallow a moan in a kiss. “You liked me coming on you?”

“Yeah,” Dean says, arching his hips to take more of Cas’s fingers. “You just want to dirty me up.”

Cas nips at his bottom lip, adds another finger just barely too soon, the way Dean likes it. “I think I already have.”

“Good point,” Dean says, gasping as he twists his wrist at the head of his cock.

Cas crooks his fingers and hits Dean across the face at the same time. Dean licks his lips as he faces Cas again, eyes heavy and dark. Cas kisses him, just softly, and says, “More?”

“Jesus, yes, please.”

Cas takes it easier the next few times, worrying a little about bruising Dean’s face, but then Dean says, “You’re not going to hurt me,” and Cas hits him _hard_.

Dean groans and comes all over his hand and stomach immediately. Cas keeps fucking Dean with his fingers until Dean squirms away, then Cas kisses his forehead and leaves the bed, comes back quickly to clean up Dean’s mess. Dean’s eyes are closed and on closer examination, there are fine tremors running through him every few seconds.

“Dean,” Cas says, wrapping Dean up hims arms and pulling him close. “Sweetheart, are you ok?”

Dean just clings to him and doesn’t say anything.

Cas rubs his hand up and down Dean’s back and says, “Look at me for a second.” Dean blinks open his eyes. “You know I — care about you. You know I would never hurt you.”

“I know,” Dean says, and then burrows back under Cas’s chin.

“Dean, get under the blankets. I’m getting you something to drink. Have you eaten?”

Dean’s hand tightens on Cas’s side, then relaxes like it’s difficult to do it. “No,” he says, voice rasping.

“I’ll be right back. Forty-five seconds. Get under the blankets.”

Dean is under the covers and shaking harder by the time Cas returns, but he sits up easily enough to drink water and eat half of a granola bar. It’s the kind Dean hates, but he doesn’t say a thing until after he finishes. “Can I lay down?”

“Of course.” Cas sets the glass on the table and climbs in after Dean, pressing into his back, kissing the nape of his neck softly. “Talk to me. What are you thinking?”

“It’s fucked up, isn’t it?” Dean says quietly, then pauses. Cas squeezes his fingers between Dean’s and waits him out. “That I — Jesus, I came so fucking hard. Because you hit me.”

“No, I don’t think it’s fucked up,” Cas says. “As long as it feels good.”

Dean’s laugh is a little hollow. “Yeah, it feels good.”

“Do you think I’m fucked up for liking it, too?”

“I guess not,” Dean says.

“You have nothing to be afraid of with me. I will never think any less of you because of what happens in this bed,” Cas says.

Dean shifts a little to fit more snugly against Cas, and Cas almost says something he shouldn’t. Instead he says, nestled into Dean’s hair, “I adore you.”

Cas keeps kissing the back of Dean’s neck, across his shoulders, rubbing his and Dean’s linked hands up and down Dean’s stomach, waiting for Dean’s heart to slow and the trembling to subside. “Talk to me,” Cas says again.

“I never wanted anyone to hurt me before.”

“You don’t have to now, either. We can always stop,” Cas says. “I just want to make you happy.”

“No, I — shit, you’re right. I like it.” Dean’s voice lowers, like he doesn’t want to hear himself say it. “I wouldn’t want to give it up.”

“I’m always going to take care of you,” Cas says.

“What happens when you change your mind.” Dean’s voice is flat and quiet.

“Why would I change my mind?”

“Fuck, I don’t know — I just — I’m not —”

“Dean,” Cas says firmly. “I’m not changing my mind. Sleep a bit, I’ll wake you for dinner.”

It takes longer than usual, but soon Dean’s chest is rising and falling slowly in sleep. Cas just holds him close, breathes him in. Cas has never felt this before, this fierce need to protect and cover, and he wants to keep Dean in his bed forever and shower him in love and praise until he’s never uncertain again.

Cas lets Dean sleep until Cas’s arm is dead enough it might never recover. He bites at the back of Dean’s neck and says, “Dinner time.”

“Not hungry,” Dean mumbles.

“Wake up, sweetheart. You dropped a bit and we need to feed you.”

Dean rolls over on his back, opening his eyes slowly. “I did what now?”

“We talked about it a little before.” Cas strokes hair out of Dean’s face, leans in to kiss his forehead. “Sometimes after playing like that, your body gets all confused, lots of chemical reactions and interactions in your brain. It doesn’t always feel great.”

Cas brushes his lips downward, across Dean’s cheek that is still a little hot to the touch. Dean says, “I feel better now.”

“Good. Let’s do dinner and we’ll go to bed early.”

 

Cas has never been able to write with other people around, and he hasn’t opened a new document since finishing _Familiar_ , so it surprises him when he wakes up the next morning with words ready to come out of his fingers. He starts coffee but leaves his mug next to his keyboard to go cold as he writes. It’s been a long time, maybe before _Leviathan_ , since it was this easy to start assembling a story, and he barely pauses to smoke a little, doesn’t notice at all when Dean slips in.

“Good morning, baby,” Dean says. “Please don’t make me listen to this again.”

Cas spins his chair to see Dean, sweeping his eyes down and then up his body again. Somehow it still makes Dean blush. “Oh, I was just waiting for you to get up to play this one,” Cas says, turning up the volume on his speaker and singing, “ _I love you when you’re singing that song and —_ ”

“Stop!” Dean says, laughing and reaching to clap his hand over Cas’s mouth.

Cas’s grin is hidden by it, but his eyes are probably too honest about how overwhelmed he is in this moment, Dean sleep-mussed and beautiful and smiling. And _his_.

“I’m taking my hand off because I need coffee, but _please_ , some Zeppelin or something. I’m begging you.”

“Are you making breakfast?” Cas says as soon as he’s free.

“Depends on whether or not you are actually writing. And if you’re going to show me.”

“Yes and no, respectively.”

“What’s it called?”

“I’m only ten pages in. I don’t have to worry about a title for awhile.”

Dean bends down and kisses Cas, slow and full. “Pancakes? Biscuits? Omelette?”

Cas slides his hand around the back of Dean’s neck and pulls him forward for another long kiss. “Whatever you’re in the mood for.”

“Omelettes, and then you’re going to fuck me before you start writing again.”

“Yes, darling.”

Cas joins Dean in the kitchen, mostly just hovering while Dean does the actual work. As Dean is pulling down plates from the cabinet, Cas says, “When was the last time you were tested?”

“Handful of months ago,” Dean says, eyeing Cas.

Just after Inias, then. “That’s smart,” Cas says. “I did, too, around that time.”

“Do you have something? Is that what you’re telling me?”

“No. I’m trying to talk to you about condoms again.”

Dean blinks at him. “You said it wasn’t a good idea.”

“It wasn’t if we didn’t mean anything to each other. It’s different now.”

“We should get tested again first, right? Just to make sure,” Dean says.

“We can do that.”

“I need you to never say ‘fluid bonding’ around me again, though.”

Cas laughs and shoves at Dean’s shoulder. “We’ll call it whatever you want.”

“Hmm,” Dean says, leaving the plates on the counter to grab Cas by the hips. Cas knows he’s blushing as he says into Cas’s ear, “I call it knowing what it feels like when you come in me.”

Cas closes his eyes while Dean kisses down his neck. “I’ve never before,” Cas says. “Gone bare, I mean.”

Dean pauses, face pressed into the curve of Cas’s shoulder. “Never?”

“You’ll be the first.”

When Dean pulls back, Cas can tell he’s pleased. Cas is, too, pleased to have something to give Dean that no one else has had before.

“Well,” Dean says. “We’ll save a lot on condoms, at least.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from [vance joy's riptide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJ_1HMAGb4k):
> 
> running down to the riptide  
> taken away to the dark side  
> i wanna be your left hand man  
> i love you when you're singing that song and  
> i got a lump in my throat 'cause  
> you're gonna sing the words wrong


	23. INSUFFERABLE BRAT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I thought you were being mean tonight,” Dean says, smiling, open with tenderness towards Cas._
> 
> _Cas spanks Dean, just quick and sharp, and Dean yelps. “I thought you were behaving tonight. For every smart comment, you’re getting hit five more times.”_
> 
> _“I’m waiting,” Dean says, raising his eyebrows and wiggling his ass._
> 
> _The first hit with the paddle is easy, just giving Dean an idea of the width of it, the heft. “You are an insufferable brat,” Cas says, and hits him a little harder._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to sweet prince [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) for the read through
> 
> **Tags** : Paddling, slapping, barebacking

“I bought you something.”

“It better not be bigger than the last one,” Dean says, watching Cas warily.

Cas rolls his eyes. “It’s not another plug. Plus, you love that now.”

Cas does, too — he’s become especially fond of sliding it into Dean and making him _wait_ while Cas is on his laptop next to him on the bed. It’s torture for Cas, but he likes to watch Dean get desperate to touch and be touched. He never gets anything done, though, because it only takes a couple of minutes for Dean to start biting his lip and squirming, and Cas can’t look away from him.

“I’m not sure how you’re going to react. But first, I have to tell you something.” They’re not even in Cas’s bed yet but the clothes are already piling on the floor, and Dean watches his hand slide down Cas’s bare stomach without responding. Cas says, “Hey, eyes up here. Listen to me.”

“What?” Dean says, both hands on Cas now, unzipping his jeans.

“I heard back from the clinic today. I’m clear, but I emailed you my results so you can see.”

Dean glances at his face finally and blushes. He tries to cover it up saying, “I know you wouldn’t lie to me about something like that.”

“I just want you to be sure.”

“I’m sure.” Dean’s all-clear came in a few days ago, and he told Cas via text. They haven’t discussed it since. “Um, so that means we can…?”

“If you want,” Cas says, like he hasn’t been thinking about it non-stop.

“Yeah, I really want.” Dean gets his hand on Cas’s dick and says, “Are you gonna tell me what you bought?”

“Yes,” Cas says, and pulls away from Dean’s hands. “Hold that thought.”

“Holding.” Dean turns to drop back into the mattress while Cas rips open a padded envelope. Dean says, “I wondered what that was.”

“It’s a paddle,” Cas says. “Leather, though you might want to try wood sometime.”

This is usually the part where Dean gets nervous about his curiosity, but he’s just watching Cas, rubbing his hand over the bulge in his jeans. “You want to hit me with it?”

“Yes,” Cas says, stepping out of his jeans.

Dean looks at it, then looks at Cas again and licks his lips. “Ok.”

Cas tosses the paddle into the bed and climbs in after it, fitting himself in the V of Dean’s legs to lean down and kiss him. Dean’s jeans are as soft as cotton against Cas’s bare skin, but his mouth is softer.

“Do you remember your safeword?”

Dean rolls his eyes and says. “Spiderman.”

“Hey,” Cas says, hitting him across the face. “That was rude.”

Dean grins. Sometimes he’s so gorgeous it actually hurts.

“Clothes off. On your stomach, pillow under your hips.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean says with a jaunty little salute.

Cas grabs Dean’s wrist, slams his arm onto the mattress, and smacks him. “Don’t fuck with me,” Cas says, voice low and dark.

“Ok,” Dean says, eyes wide. “I hear you.”

Cas kisses Dean, long and affectionate, and then lets him up. While Dean undresses, Cas grabs a glass of water and some trail mix, the kind Dean likes that is more chocolate than anything, because he wants to be ready in case Dean drops again.  Back in the bedroom, Dean’s waiting for him positioned just right, and he smiles when Cas so sweetly. 

“You look incredible,” Cas says. “Remember when you let me take pictures of you? We need to do that again.”

“I thought you were being mean tonight,” Dean says, his smile so open with tenderness towards Cas.

Cas spanks Dean, just quick and sharp, and Dean yelps. “I thought you were behaving tonight. For every smart comment, you’re getting hit five more times.”

“I’m waiting,” Dean says, raising his eyebrows and wiggling his ass.

The first hit with the paddle is easy, just giving Dean an idea of the width of it, the heft. “You are an insufferable brat,” Cas says, and hits him a little harder.

Dean opens his mouth to respond, so Cas rains down a handful more spanks to shut him up. Dean’s eyes close and he shudders, just once, and then relaxes into the comforter. “Dean,” Cas says, pausing to knead his hand over one of Dean’s pinkening cheeks. “Are you ok with bruises? If you end up liking it that hard."

“No one but you is gonna see anyway.”

“Good,” Cas says. He leans down and kisses between Dean’s shoulder blades and then a little higher, brushing his lips across scattered freckles.  “Do you want more?”

Dean nods into the pillow without opening his eyes.

Cas straightens up and runs the end of the paddle down Dean’s spine, a barely-there touch that raises goosebumps in its wake. Dean makes a quiet noise like he’s asking for something without being entirely sure what, and then a louder noise when Cas cracks the paddle across his ass.

“Shit,” Dean says under his breath the next time, and then it’s quiet in the room other than the sound of leather on skin.

Cas watches Dean’s ass turn pink and then red, watches him flinch, watches him lick his lips every few hits, watches his hands clench in the sheets.

“Are you ok?” Cas says, and Dean nods. “Do you want it easier, harder, or the same?”

Dean’s tongue darts out to wet his lips again. “Harder,” he says. “You said bruises.”

Cas kisses Dean’s cheek, the corner of his mouth. “You’re so good for me.”

Dean flutters his eyelashes and shivers just like he always does when Cas says it. And Cas doesn’t want anything but to reward him, so he hits Dean harder, over and over until Dean’s skin is a lovely mottled red like bruises teasing the surface. He has to pause a couple times for Dean to relax back into the bed, and Dean’s trembling, but when Cas asks if he’s ok, he says, “It’s good, don’t stop.”

Cas takes a moment anyway to nuzzle Dean’s hair and kiss the side of his face until Dean catches his breath.

“Cas,” Dean says, and he’s smiling. “I’m ok, really.”

“How you manage to remain insolent is a mystery to me.” Cas slaps Dean’s ass bare-handed, and Dean gives a breathless little laugh. “You think that’s funny?”

“A little.”

Cas has to fight down a smile, but Dean runs out of smart comments pretty quickly as Cas pelts him with the paddle over and over until Dean is shaking again and Cas’s arm is starting to ache.

Cas drops the paddle and straddles across Dean’s thighs, rubbing his hands down Dean’s back and over his ass, following with his mouth. He kisses over the inflamed marks on Dean’s ass, some of them thick stripes. Dean shifts restlessly, tries to spread his legs wider, and Cas says, “No, we’re not doing that right now.”

“What are we doing?” Dean says, but at least he’s still again, his chest no longer heaving.

“I’m going to suck your cock. Is that ok with you?” Cas says, swatting Dean’s ass. The skin is still hot to the touch.

“That’s great with me.”

Cas climbs off so Dean can flip over, then quickly covers him with his body again, hitting him across the face before grabbing his chin to kiss him. Dean gives in to Cas so easily, lets Cas shove his tongue past his lips, and Cas grabs Dean’s knee and hitches his leg up further on Cas’s hip until their cocks can slide together.

“Remember when we met?” Dean says.

“Yes.” Cas gets a hand between them and strokes.

“I wanted you so bad,” Dean says, barely whispering.

Cas smiles. “When I saw you, I had to have you.”

“Jesus,” Dean says, still hushed. “Forget the blowjob. I need you to fuck me.”

“I like this.”

“I know you do but I — I have to have you, too,” Dean says. His eyes are impossibly green for the dim light. “Please.”

“Ok,” Cas says, and gives him a lingering kiss before digging out the lube. Dean takes his fingers so easily, sighing into Cas’s mouth when it’s good, whining when Cas pulls his hand away. Cas slicks up his cock but pauses before doing more than pressing the head against Dean’s hole. “Are you sure?”

“Baby,” Dean says, pulling Cas back down to his mouth by the hair. “I’m sure. I want to.”

Cas didn’t know it’d feel like this. He’d never minded protection, if for no other reason than it was better than the alternative. Even out of his mind and picking up guys in run-down bars or craigslist, he never skipped condoms. But he never expected this. It’s hotter and wetter and somehow softer, and he’s watching Dean watch him, and the enormity of the way he feels about Dean — the way he’s pretty sure Dean feels about him — is suffocating. It’s a rush just like Dean’s hand on his throat.

Buried deep into Dean, Cas pauses again with his forehead pressed to Dean’s, trying to control his galloping heart. “Yeah?” Dean says, shy.

“Yeah,” Cas says quietly, and kisses him again. “How about you?”

“It’s intense.”

“Do you like it?”

“God, yeah.”

“How do you want it? Hard?”

“No,” Dean says. “Just like this.”

Cas takes him slow and deep, their mouths pressed together, tongues touching and sharing breath. Dean says, “I didn’t think it’d be different but —”

“It’s so good,” Cas finishes, and Dean’s hands tighten at his shoulder blades.

“Hit me,” Dean says into the next kiss.

Cas gets an arm under himself so he can put enough space between them to smack Dean, first with just two fingers and then with his whole hand. Dean gasps and shivers and looks a little dazed, just like Cas likes him.

Cas alternates kissing and hitting Dean. Dean’s kisses lose finesse, mostly just lips parted so Cas can press their mouths together, bite gently at Dean’s lower lip. Dean’s cheeks go red and hot and he keeps staring at Cas like Cas hung the moon, and Cas just keeps up the slow roll of his hips.

It _is_ intense, so much that Cas feels like he’s exploding out of his skin. Cas gives up on hitting Dean to wrap a hand around his dick, squeezing and stroking tightly. Cas is rising fast but determined for Dean to come first.

“Cas, Cas,” Dean gasps, tilting his head back to bare his throat for Cas’s teeth.

“Come for me,” Cas says as he brushes his lips down Dean’s neck.

Dean crests into orgasm and Cas can feel him coming for a long time. Cas loves having Dean like this — sweet and pliant, smiling — and it doesn’t take much for Cas to come, too. Dean closes his eyes, breath shaky. “Wow,” he whispers. 

Cas kisses his marked cheeks, the tip of his nose, his mouth. “Did you like it?”

“Yeah, a lot.”

“Me too,” Cas says. He pulls out of Dean slowly, watching as come drips out of him.

When Cas lays next to Dean, Dean doesn’t hesitate to crowd against him despite the mess. “That was amazing,” Dean says. “All of it.”

Cas wraps his arm around Dean, slides his hand over Dean’s ass. It feels a little swollen and Cas loves this new way to brand Dean his. The idea of marking Dean up on the inside, too, makes Cas’s breath catch, and he runs a fingertip over Dean’s wet hole. Dean whimpers into Cas’s mouth, drapes his leg over Cas’s thigh to give him more room.

“I can tell,” Cas says. “You’re so greedy for it.”

“Do you think I could fuck you next time?”

“Any time you want.”

Dean rubs the tip of his nose against Cas’s. “I’m really glad I met you.”

 

By the next morning Dean’s ass is covered in bruises. Cas spends a long time kissing them, and then he licks Dean open until he begs, and then he fucks Dean from behind — and, Jesus, bare is just as good the second time as the first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been writing since i was eight years old and i certainly wouldn't stop if no one cared, but your comments definitely give me an extra boost! <3


	24. ZERO BANANAS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I do have a tripod,” Cas says, apropos of nothing, halfway through the first episode of The Blacklist._
> 
> _“Hmm,” Dean says, kissing the side of Cas’s face, and then again, because he can’t get enough. “Is that what we’re doing tonight?”_
> 
> _“If you wanted to indulge me.”_
> 
> _“You have to have figured out by now that I’ll do anything you want.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [robotsnchicks](robotsnchicks.tumblr.com) for the read through :) (and also for ruining my life pretty much every time i talk to 'em)
> 
> **Tags** : It's pretty much all barebacking from here on out and you've probably noticed the slapping theme.

**Dean:** Did you want a video of just me or both of us

**Cas** : Hmm.   
**Cas** : Do you want to see what you look like when I fuck you?    
**Cas** : You’re stunning. 

**Dean:** You’re going to make ME watch it? 

**Cas:** You don’t want to? 

**Dean** : Whatever   
**Dean:** Do you have a tripod or something? 

**Cas** : You’re adorable. See you after work. 

 

They spend most of their nights at Cas’s now. Dean’s apartment is shabbier and further away from his job than Cas’s is, and Cas is picky about where he writes. It seems like all of Dean’s important possessions — most of his wardrobe, computer, favorite books (many of which were borrowed from Cas in the first place), a variety of kitchen items so Dean never has to think about Cas’s grocery store knives and Goodwill pans again — are already at Cas’s anyway. Dean hasn’t been back to his own place in over a week. 

Cas is still writing, surrounded by a cloud of smoke, when Dean gets home. Cas gives him a quick, distracted smile before his eyes are back on his screen. 

“Hey, baby,” Dean says. He kicks off his boots and crosses the room to Cas’s desk, leans down and kisses the top of Cas’s head. “How much longer?” 

“Maybe an hour. I’m making progress.” 

“I’ll see about dinner after a shower, ok?” 

Cas does a little wave over his shoulder that means  _ yeah, sure _ but also  _ I wasn’t actually listening _ . Dean presses his face into Cas’s hair again anyway and squeezes his shoulders before heading for the bathroom. 

Scrubbed clean of oil and grease and sweat, Dean opens the fridge to find it pretty bare. By now Cas has a joint burning in an ashtray on his desk and is pausing every couple of sentences to hit it. 

“You want Thai?” 

“Yeah,” Cas says. He’s not really listening again, but he does put his headphones on so Dean can watch tv. 

The food comes, and Cas says, “In a minute,” and then Dean’s on something like the eighth episode of _ Beat Bobby Flay _ and yawning, Cas tip-tapping away at the keyboard, pausing to stare at the wall — at nothing — every so often. Dean keeps catching himself staring at Cas instead of the tv, even as his eyes get heavy. 

Dean pulls the headphones off of Cas’s head and says, “Coming to bed?” 

“Soon,” Cas says. He tilts his head up for a kiss, the first time he’s touched Dean all evening. 

“Eat something first,” Dean says. 

“Will do.” 

“I wouldn’t be mad if you woke me up for sex.” 

Cas laughs and says, “Go away so I can finish.” 

Dean ditches his sweatpants in the hopes that Cas took his hint, but he wakes up chilled and alone and when he checks his phone it’s 3:36am. He can still hear Cas typing. 

And Cas is still typing when Dean’s alarm goes off at seven, too, his desk filling up with half-full coffee mugs. The tofu pad Thai in the fridge is untouched. Dean starts a fresh pot of coffee and sighs. 

“Cas, you’ve gotta eat.” 

Cas looks up, seems surprised at the apartment filling with morning light. “Shit. I really was going to come fuck you.” 

Cas is probably going to be annoyed about it, but Dean pushes his laptop closed. “You’re eating now. And then I wish you’d get some sleep but I know you’re going to do what you want so it’s a waste of breath to say it.” 

“Is there coffee?” Cas says, then puts his fingers over Dean’s mouth. “Don’t. It takes seventy cups to kill someone.”

Dean starts the eggs while Cas pours coffee, but as soon as Dean drops a lid over the pan, Cas grabs his arm to turn him around. 

“Hey,” Cas says. It’s obvious that he hasn’t slept in two days, hair a disaster and purple half-moons under his eyes. 

“Hey,” Dean says back, resting his hands on Cas’s hips. 

“I’m sorry. I really did mean to come to bed last night.” Cas steps closer, nuzzling into Dean’s neck. “I miss you. I miss the way you smell.” 

“That’s such a weird thing to say,” Dean says.

Cas kisses down Dean’s jaw, on a clear path towards his mouth. “You don’t have to work. Stay here and be my kept boy.” 

“You can’t afford me,” Dean says, laughing until Cas kisses him, full and gentle. The kind of kiss Dean could get used to having every morning. 

“You’re probably right,” Cas says. “I promise you’ll have all my attention tonight.” 

“The eggs are going to burn if you don’t let me go.” 

Just as Dean’s grabbing his keys to walk out the door, Cas presses him up against the wall and kisses him again, long enough that Dean is late to work. 

 

Late afternoon, Dean gets a text. 

**Cas** : I’ve already shut down the computer for the day. Headed to the grocery store. Need to add anything to the list? 

**Dean** : You keep eating all the fuckin bananas before I get any but if we bought more you’d just eat them too 

**Cas:** Roger that. Zero bananas for you. 

Dean snorts, then tries to school his expression into something less like a lovesick puppy staring at his phone. Benny catches him anyway and says, smirking a little, “Is that Cas?” 

“Yeah.” 

“That man’s good for you.” 

Dean ducks his head down and tries not to blush. “Yeah, he is.” 

 

Cas is in bed when Dean comes in, a joint snubbed out on the table next to him. He’s lovely like this, expression soft in sleep, his hair curling a bit at the ends. Dean tries to shower and start dinner quietly, and is at least successful enough that Cas doesn’t wander out until the food is almost ready. 

Cas wraps his arms around Dean’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss. “You’re so good to me,” Cas says. “I didn’t even hear you come in.” 

“I’m glad you got some rest.” 

“I’m an asshole. I told you you would have my attention tonight and here you are making me dinner alone.” 

“I like to take care of you. And you like being taken care of. Win-win.”

“What are you making?”

“Something with vegetables so you don’t die of malnutrition.”

Cas rolls his eyes and kisses Dean again, sliding his hands up the back of Dean’s shirt. “Is there enough time for me to suck your cock?” 

“Unfortunately, no.” 

“That’s ok. There are other things I’d rather do to you later anyway.” 

 

“I do have a tripod,” Cas says, apropos of nothing, halfway through the first episode of  _ The Blacklist _ . 

“Hmm,” Dean says, kissing the side of Cas’s face, and then again, because he can’t get enough. “Is that what we’re doing tonight?” 

“If you wanted to indulge me.” 

“You have to have figured out by now that I’ll do anything you want.” 

Cas turns towards him, frowning. “But you don’t have to.” 

“I know. I want to. I want to smoke first though.” 

Cas packs a bowl and hands the pipe to Dean, watching him with an unreadable expression. They smoke through it slowly, kissing between hits. When it’s cashed, Cas sets the pipe on the coffee table and smacks Dean across the face.

The pot was starting to make him loose and floaty, but Dean’s suddenly snapped back into his body, back to Cas. He’d been circling towards arousal in the meandering way one does during a long, lazy makeout session, but there’s a sharp electric heat that punches him in the stomach when Cas hits him. 

Cas hits Dean again, as hard as he ever has, and Dean shudders. When Dean can open his eyes again, Cas is staring at him, eyes darting all over his face. Dean has to lick his lips a couple times before he can say, “What?” 

“Nothing,” Cas says, and kisses him. When he pulls back, he says, “Go to the bedroom and take off your clothes.” 

Cas joins him a few minutes later and sets up a tripod on the dresser. He doesn’t even look at Dean spread out on the bed until he’s got his phone hooked in and pressed  _ Record _ . 

“Hands and knees,” Cas says, “facing the camera.” 

Cas pulls his shirt and jeans off before bending to kiss Dean’s upturned face, his forehead, his mouth. Cas says, “It occurs to me that I don’t have a good idea what your face looks like when I’m eating you out.” 

“Want to find out?” 

“Yes.” Cas hits him, twice, and Dean smiles up at him. “Keep your head up. I want to see you.” 

Dean is too shy to look directly into the camera but he does hold his head up, and he’s uncomfortably aware of all the expressions that must be passing over his face as Cas circles his tongue around Dean’s hole and then laps at him until Dean is whimpering and moaning. Every time it’s a shock to Dean, how much he loves this, especially knowing how recently he thought he would never let someone do it. 

“Cas,” Dean says, toes curling. 

“Mmhmm?”

“You want to fuck me, don’t you?” 

“Are you trying to hint at something?” 

Cas taps Dean’s hole sharply with two fingers — something he’s never done before that makes Dean squeak and drops of his pre-come drip to the bed. 

Cas bites each of Dean’s ass cheeks and says, “I love when I find something new that you like.” 

“Me too,” Dean says, trying to catch his breath. 

“Do you need me to finger you or can I fuck you like this?” 

“Like — like this.” 

Dean’s body is wired to the sound of the lube bottle popping open, the quiet wet noise of Cas slicking up his dick, so he’s already biting his lip when Cas starts to push into him. Cas is slow and sweet at first, easing Dean into it, and then he grabs Dean by the hips and slams into him until Dean’s head drops, heavy, between his shoulders.

“Don’t hide. I want to see you.” Cas wrenches Dean’s head back by the hair and says, right against Dean’s ear, “Good boy.” 

It might be too quiet for the camera to pick up the words, but the way Dean gasps, the way his eyes flutter closed, will be plain as day. 

“You’re so pretty when you’re good for me,” Cas says. 

“Come on, Cas.” Dean hopes the way Cas hit him earlier still has his face too red to tell he’s blushing.

“Come on what?” Cas says, but interrupts before Dean can answer: “Do you want to ride me?” 

Dean nods as much as he can with Cas’s hand holding on to his hair. Cas grabs Dean around his shoulders and hauls him backwards until Dean’s back is up against Cas’s chest. Dean had hoped he could get away with not facing the camera when they did this, but Cas seems to have a different plan. 

Cas can get a little deeper like this, and he murmurs, “There you go. Christ, I love fucking you.” 

Dean still doesn’t feel like he’s any good at this — not the way Cas is, movements sinuous and purposeful — but Cas seems to like it anyway, especially when Dean tips his head to the side so Cas can bite his neck. 

“Look at you,” Cas says. “You’re so gorgeous. Do you know I never stop thinking about you?” 

Dean turns as much as he can for a kiss, moaning into Cas’s mouth. 

“Now I’ll be able to have you even when you’re not here,” Cas says, glancing at his phone. 

Dean was addicted to Cas, to the things Cas does to him, since the day they met, but this has to be his favorite: skin against skin from the inside out, Cas hot and hard and soft all at the same time inside him. 

Cas brackets one hand around Dean’s hip to guide him, murmuring soft encouragements into his ear, and he wraps his other hand around Dean’s cock. “You’re so pretty when you come, too,” Cas says. “Everything about you is beautiful.” 

“Fuck,” Dean gasps, riding down a little harder on Cas’s cock. 

“Look at the camera.” 

Dean is definitely blushing now as he looks up. It’s far enough away that he can’t really make out what he looks like on the screen, and that’s definitely for the best. He gets why Cas wants to see it, because Dean loves watching Cas, too, all the ways his face changes when Dean makes him feel good, but Dean is unbearably embarrassed at the idea of having to see himself. 

“I can feel when you’re getting close,” Cas says. “You get  _ tighter _ .” 

“A little more, a little more.”

Cas strokes Dean harder, quicker. “Like this?” 

“Oh fuck, Cas, Cas,” Dean says, coming all over himself. 

Dean goes a little limp after it courses through him, but Cas is stupidly strong and manages to hold him in place to fuck up into him a handful more times until Dean can feel him coming deep inside. 

_ That _ is Dean’s favorite, the hot throb of Cas’s come filling him. Something about it is so obscene Dean can’t even think about it for too long, but he really loves it. Loves the part afterwards, too, when Cas pulls out and his come leaks from Dean’s hole. A few days ago, Cas licked Dean clean afterwards, while Dean was still so sensitive and malleable that every lick made him want to cry. 

Cas helps guide Dean onto his back on the bed, then fits himself back between Dean’s legs to kiss him. Dean wraps his arms around Cas and lets himself be swept away. Especially with the smoke still drifting in Dean’s veins, it’s easy to lose track of time when Cas kisses him like this. 

Eventually Cas pulls away and slaps Dean, light and teasing, and it surprises a laugh out of him. Cas smiles back before getting up to stop the recording. 

Dean doesn’t move from his lazy sprawl on the bed while Cas cleans them up and disappears into the living room, returning with his freshly-packed pipe. “You want some more?” 

“Yeah,” Dean says, and manages to haul himself up to sit against the headboard. 

Cas sits close enough that they’re touching all up and down their bodies and they pass the pipe back and forth, Dean’s head falling on Cas’s shoulder in between hits. “Did I wear you out?” Cas says, kissing Dean’s forehead. 

Dean snorts. “Of course you would think getting fucked by my boyfriend is more tiring than ten hours of manual labor.” It still makes Dean’s heart stumble, saying  _ boyfriend _ , not with anxiety but with hope. 

Cas puts the pipe away and tilts Dean’s chin up to kiss him, brief and sweet. “Let’s watch it.” 

The beginning part of the video isn’t so bad. Dean was ashamed at the thought of watching Cas hit him, but that doesn’t end up bothering him much. He’d already guessed how stunned he would look with Cas’s handprint on his cheek. 

But by the time Cas is pushing his tongue into Dean’s ass, Dean has to look away and wrap his arms around his own churning stomach. 

Cas pokes at his phone and the video pauses halfway into one of Dean’s moans. “Dean,” Cas says, and waits for Dean to look at him. “I can delete it.” 

Dean almost says,  _ good, get rid of it _ , but Cas’s eyes and mouth are so soft, and Dean thinks about him saying,  _ there’s no judgment in this bed _ . “Let’s finish first. Then maybe.” 

Cas kisses Dean and starts the video. Dean tries to keep watching because Cas wants him to, but he has to look away again when Cas slides his cock in. 

Cas leans over and kisses the corner of Dean’s mouth, whispering, “You’re so fucking gorgeous,” and then Cas hums in appreciation as he watches Dean writhe in his lap. Dean feels weird about watching the long lines of his own body, muscles tensing from his thighs all the way up to his bared neck. 

Dean spends a lot of time watching Cas while they’re fucking, stuck in a feedback loop of his and Cas’s pleasure, but without the distraction of impending orgasm, Dean sees so much more in the way Cas looks at him in those moments. He wonders if Cas has always looked at him like that and he just never noticed. 

Other things are novel through this new medium, too: the possessive splay of Cas’s hand in the center of Dean’s chest, the flash of white teeth against Dean’s neck, the noise Cas makes when he comes. 

Dean’s favorite part is after the actual fucking, the part where they made out for a long time, one of Cas’s hands cradling Dean’s face. Dean watches his own hands flexing on Cas’s back in fascination. 

When it’s over, Cas tosses the phone away and pulls Dean in for a lengthy kiss. “Do you want to delete it?” 

“Do you like it?” 

“Love it.” 

“You can keep it.” Dean slides his hand down Cas’s chest and kisses his shoulder. “Are you sleeping tonight?” 

“I hope so. I don’t want to leave you.” 

They curl up in bed, blankets up to their necks, quiet other than the sounds of their breath until Cas says, “It’s called  _ Giant _ .” 

“What’s it about?” 

“The difference between monsters and men, like always. With a side helping of redemption through love.” 

Dean smiles. “Did your editor freak out again?” 

“Yes, she did,” Cas says, laughing. 

“Wait.  _ Giant _ , like the James Dean movie?” Cas raises an eyebrow. “Don’t look at me like that. James Dean is hot.” 

“He was bi, too. But no, no relation between the two.” 

“If your editor freaked out, it’s going to be extra good. Can I read it?” 

“Not yet.” Dean groans and pouts and Cas says, “I’ll give you  _ Familiar _ soon if that’ll placate you.” 

“It’ll help.” 

Dean wants to stay awake, listen to Cas’s voice talk about anything — Cas has been wrapped up in writing lately and Dean misses him, misses even the mundane parts of the life they’re building — but he smoked too much and was exhausted anyway so before long he’s off in dreamland. 

He’s vaguely aware when Cas gets out of bed much later, and when Dean wakes up in the morning, Cas is at his computer typing away.


	25. INTERLUDE #7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“It didn’t seem like it mattered when we were just hooking up, but it might matter to you now. And I’ve been pretty stable since we met, other than when my dad died —”_
> 
> _“Wait a second. When did your dad die?”_
> 
> _Cas takes a second to think. He remembers that day, the parts with Dean in it more than the parts without, the phone call from Gabe a shapeless shadow. “The first time I hit you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no one read this over so all mistakes are mine

“I have to tell you something,” Cas says. They’re both in his kitchen, bumping hips as they finish the dishes from dinner.

“Ok,” Dean says, only sounding a little wary.

“It didn’t seem like it mattered when we were just hooking up, but it might matter to you now. And I’ve been pretty stable since we met, other than when my dad died —”

“Wait a second. When did your dad die?”

Cas takes a second to think. He remembers that day, the parts with Dean in it more than the parts without, the phone call from Gabe a shapeless shadow. “The first time I hit you.”

“You didn’t tell me?”

“That didn’t seem to matter either. Why would you care? I was just some experimental phase you were going through.”

Dean closes his eyes, letting the water run in the sink while he leans heavily on the edge of the counter. “I never really thought of you like that.”

“I know. I’m being an asshole. I wasn’t trying to talk about my father, though.” Cas takes a deep breath. He’s not sure what he expects to happen, but he’s never had to tell someone he cared about, either. “I have bipolar.”

Dean half-laughs. “You _are_ an asshole. Jesus, you had me fucking terrified.”

“Do you know what that means?”

“I’m not an idiot, Cas.”

Cas winces. “I wasn’t saying that. That’s just not how I expected you to react.”

“Whatever, I’m not an expert. But I do know what it means.” Dean leans over and kisses Cas’s bewildered mouth. “How can I help you?”

“What?”

“Not that you necessarily need my help. But if you did.”

“I’ve been a little manic lately, and I’m not very good at taking care of myself when I’m like this. It’s nice to have someone around to make me eat.”

“You _have_ been pretty weird lately,” Dean says, but he’s smiling.

“Not that — I don’t expect you to mother me.”

“I know, but I like to take care of you. What else do you need?”

Cas stares at him for a long moment. “I’m sorry, I’m just really surprised.”

“About what?” Dean’s hands are still wet and darken Cas’s shirt where he wraps his hands around Cas’s hips.

“No one has ever asked how to help me. With anything.”

“I’m sure your friends want to help you.”

“My friends are people I smoke with and fuck sometimes. Not the kind of friends that help each other with mental health crises.”

Dean steps closer and presses his mouth against Cas’s forehead. “Are you having a crisis right now?”

“No,” Cas says, laughing shortly. “You’ll know when I’m having a crisis.”

“I can be pretty dumb. I didn’t know about your dad.”

“We didn’t see much of each other for a little bit after that.”

“That’s true,” Dean says. “I thought, uh. You didn’t want to see me anymore, after how much I liked you hitting me.”

“I love how much you like it.”

“And yet you kiss me instead of hitting me as soon as I get home.”

Cas laughs. “Should I change my standard greeting? ‘Hello, honey, how was your day?’” he mocks, and then he hits Dean — almost gently — across the face.

“I was mostly kidding,” Dean says, but he licks his lips in a way that is entirely distracting.

Cas grabs Dean’s chin to kiss him, but Dean pulls back in a way he never does, no matter how rough Cas is with him. “Wait, hang on. I’m serious. I’m glad you told me, but it doesn’t change anything, except maybe I’m going to take care of you even harder now.”

“I can think of a way you can _take care of me harder_.”

“Cas,” Dean says, but he’s fighting down a smile.

“I need you to fuck me.”

“Ok, but — after the dishes. We gotta stop leaving things half-done to fuck instead.”

 

"Dean," Cas says, when the dishes are finally done. "I'm glad I met you now. While I'm mostly sane."


	26. FOR THE RECORD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m being good, but I’d like to state for the record that you’re awful.”_
> 
> _“I’m a tyrant, really,” Cas says, smiling._  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to [deanscasanova's](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) bad behavior.
> 
> thanks to [fpwoper](http://fpwoper.tumblr.com), [robotsnchicks](http://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com), and [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) for the read through. i appreciate every one of you!!! 
> 
> i hardly ever feel the need for disclaimers because y’all are grown and risk-aware consenting adults should do what they want, but please let me stress that breathplay is not something you should approach lightly. most of the stuff i write about (and/or participate in) has a pretty low risk of permanent damage, but breathplay is inherently dangerous, regardless of method or experience. 
> 
> **Tags** : Face fucking, a lot of hitting as usual, breathplay (not choking)

It’s a Saturday, and Cas comes home mid-afternoon with a storm in his eyes. 

“Hey,” Dean says, smiling from his spot on the couch.

Cas stalks up to Dean and bends over to kiss him. “You know your safe word?” 

Dean knows this is code for  _ I want to beat you up _ and his smile widens into a grin. “Yup.”

Cas hits him across the face —  _ hard _ — and Dean makes a wanting noise low in his throat. It wasn’t long ago that he was embarrassed by the way he reacts to Cas, but he’s mostly forgotten about that now. As long as he doesn’t have to watch it happen. 

“Are you going to be good for me today? I’m not in the mood for misbehavior.” 

“Yeah,” Dean says. 

“Sometimes you say that and then you aren’t.” 

“Ok, yeah, I mean it this time.” 

Cas nods towards the bedroom and Dean scrambles in that direction. It’s been a lazy day so he’s not wearing much, but he immediately drops his clothes on the floor and starts towards the bed.

“No,” Cas says, “stay standing.” 

Dean looks over his shoulder at Cas — this is new — while Cas comes up behind him, those same purposeful strides, and nuzzles against Dean’s neck. The kisses he drops along the line of Dean’s shoulder are surprisingly tender for the way his hands roughly pull Dean back into the scratchy denim of Cas’s jeans. Dean can feel where Cas is starting to get hard and it sends a sharp thrill through him the same way it always does.

“I want you to do something for me,” Cas breathes in Dean’s ear.

“Anything,” Dean says, and he thinks he might mean it. 

In the same low voice, Cas says, “I want you to fuck my mouth. Make me choke on you. Make me cry.” 

“Oh,” Dean says, “I can do that.” 

“But you’re not allowed to come.” 

“ _ What _ ?” 

Cas smacks his ass. “You said you were going to behave.” 

“I am, I am. But I can stop when I’m about to come, right? I don’t have to, like — hold it in?” 

Dean feels Cas’s smile against his neck. “You can stop however often you need to. You’ll be in a lot of trouble if you don’t.” 

Cas steps back to pull off his shirt and shoes and socks and jeans. Dean isn’t sure if he’s allowed to move or not, so he just waits. 

“Am I going to get to come at all? Cas, come on, don’t make me —” 

Cas laughs and steps back up to press bare skin against Dean’s. “Yes, honey, you’ll get to come tonight.” 

Dean watches Cas circle around him, licking his lips. Cas leans up to kiss him in that same tender way, but when he pulls back, he hits Dean again, and his eyes are dark and intense. Cas glances down at Dean’s leaking cock, and when he looks back up, his smile is more than a little predatory. 

“Cas,” Dean says, breathless even before Cas hits him from the other side. 

“You’re so gorgeous when you let me hurt you,” Cas says before kissing Dean, their tongues sliding together in the slow way they make out sometimes, especially after smoking too much. Dean is disoriented as Cas switches back and forth, really loves it, can’t wait to see what he’ll do next.

Cas does just like before: pulls back and hits Dean hard enough Dean stumbles backwards. “Holy shit,” Dean says. 

“Ok?” Cas says, reaching to brush his thumb over Dean’s tingling cheekbone. Dean leans into the touch. 

“Yeah, that was kinda awesome.” 

Cas hits him again, hard enough to turn his head but not hard enough to move him, then drops to his knees before Dean’s eyes are even open again. Dean is already so hard it almost hurts — he doesn’t let himself flinch away from knowing that Cas hasn’t even done anything other than hit him — and Cas barely even teases before taking Dean’s cock into his mouth. 

Dean buries his fingers in Cas’s hair and stares as Cas takes him deeper, inch by inch, but Cas pulls off abruptly. 

“I wasn’t close yet,” Dean says, only sounding a little desperate to have Cas’s mouth back on him. 

“What did I ask you to do?” 

“Oh,” Dean says. “I got a little distracted.” 

Cas huffs a laugh against the head of Dean’s dick and then opens his mouth, showing the pink of his tongue. Dean guides his cock back in and gives a short, experimental thrust. Cas slides his hands to the back of Dean’s thighs and digs his fingers in. 

“Shit,” Dean says under his breath, gripping Cas’s hair tighter to hold him still. 

Dean’s a little nervous about this. He’s fucked up into Cas’s mouth before, mostly just because Cas is  _ so fucking good _ that sometimes he can’t help himself, but never with this kind of purpose, not with Cas or anyone else. Cas takes it so much easier than Dean does, though, relaxing immediately into Dean’s hold, relaxing his throat to take all of Dean when he pushes forward further. 

Cas hums happily and uses his hands to jerk Dean into his mouth harder. His lips are obscene spread wide around Dean’s cock. “You’ll tap me, right?” Dean says. 

Cas rubs his hand up Dean’s thigh and squeezes his ass, which is a pretty clear answer. Dean pulls almost all the way out, watches Cas’s nostrils flare as he sucks in air, shoves back in until he feels the back of Cas’s throat. Cas groans this time and flickers his eyes up to look at Dean. He looks pleased. 

Dean stops being so careful, and he’s so enamored watching the tears gather at the corners of Cas’s eyes that he almost doesn’t notice his orgasm sneaking up on him. “Wait, wait,” he says, and pulls out of Cas’s mouth. 

Cas smiles and leans forward to kiss over Dean’s hip bone. “Good boy,” Cas says quietly, like he knows Dean is thrumming with the need to hear it. His voice sounds a little raw. “But you can do better than that. I know how good you can fuck me.” 

Dean nods and bites down on his lip until he’s sure he’s not going to come as soon as Cas’s mouth is back on him, then tilts Cas’s head by the hair and slides past his lips. 

Dean has fucked Cas until Cas is hoarse and his knuckles are white on the headboard. Cas has come on Dean’s cock more times than he can count. Cas isn’t wrong that Dean can give more. 

When Dean has to stop again, there are tear tracks down Cas’s face and his chin is shiny with spit. Dean thumbs at his lower lip, entranced by the abused red color of it. Cas says, “Are you ready to continue?” 

“Do your knees hurt?” 

“I’m fine, sweetheart.” 

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Dean says. He waits while Cas licks his lips, but when Cas’s mouth falls open, Dean pushes him down onto his cock with a hand on the back of his head. 

“Fuck, that’s good,” Dean says. It’s getting harder to tell when he’s closer to coming; it’s all just the same kind of steady buzz under his skin, a sharp potentiality. “Fuck.” 

Dean lets himself have two more good, deep thrusts, Cas choking a little around him, then pulls out. “We gotta stop, baby,” Dean says. “Unless you’re going to let me come.” 

Cas looks up at him, absently wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He considers for a long moment. “Not yet. Get in bed.” 

Cas’s cock is already hard and dark as he goes between Dean’s legs on the bed, resting himself in the cradle of Dean’s hips like he belongs there. He hits Dean, then gives him one of those long, earth-shattering kisses. 

“Thank you,” Cas says, smiling. 

“Thank  _ you _ .” 

Cas kisses Dean long and slow again, then hits him enough times that Dean can’t keep count. While Dean gasps and shakes, Cas kisses up his jaw and then down his neck, mixing in bites hard enough to make Dean whimper. 

“Cas,” Dean says. “Choke me.” 

Cas stops moving. “What?” 

“I want to try it.” 

“Are you sure? That’s a lot of trust to put in someone.” 

“We barely knew each other when you asked me,” Dean says. “We know each other now. I trust you. You’ve done it before, right?”

“Yes, I’ve done it before.” 

“I don’t know why I even bother asking. You’ve done everything.” 

Cas laughs. “I’ve never done twins. I tried, but one of them was straight.”

“Do you want to, though? Not the twins thing, but do you want to choke me.” 

“I don’t want to choke you exactly. But we can stop you from breathing, yes.” 

“Ok,” Dean says.

Cas pinches and twists one of Dean’s nipples until Dean whines again. Cas must be able to feel Dean’s cock throbbing up next to his own, the slide of pre-come. Cas says, “If you jerk yourself off, are you going to come?” 

“Shit, probably.”

“We won’t do that yet.”

“I’m being good, but I’d like to state for the record that you’re awful.” 

“I’m a tyrant, really,” Cas says, smiling. 

The lube comes out, and soon Cas has two fingers pumping in and out of Dean, fucking incredible but not  _ quite _ enough. Dean rides down on Cas’s hand, trying to find the angle he wants, until Cas smacks the side of his thigh and says, “Stop that.” 

Dean groans and reaches for Cas where he’s kneeling between Dean’s legs. “Well, fuck, come kiss me at least.” 

Cas shifts upwards to kiss him. “You’re so needy,” Cas says against Dean’s mouth. “Do you like it when I fuck you with my fingers?” 

“Don’t be a dick. You know I do.” 

Cas snorts. “You are such a fucking brat.” He slides in a third finger and Dean’s head tips backwards, a soft moan coming out of his throat. “Baby, look at me. Touch yourself and tell me when you’re close.”

Dean hasn’t stopped shaking pretty much since Cas almost knocked him on his ass, but he’s still surprised by how hard his hands are trembling when he wraps one around his cock. 

“Are you ok?” Cas says, a quiet reassurance between them. 

“I’m good,” Dean says. “Don’t stop.” 

Cas kisses Dean’s forehead and watches him as he starts rubbing his fingers inside Dean in a way that makes Dean feel breathless, even with lungs full of oxygen.

“Cl--close.” 

“You ready?” 

Dean nods, staring up at him, wide-eyed. 

“Keep touching yourself,” Cas says, then swiftly presses his hand over Dean’s mouth and nose. 

Dean wraps his fingers around Cas’s wrist but doesn’t ask him to stop. It’s nothing for a few moments, just the same kind of clench in his lungs that Dean always feels when he and Cas are fucking, but then he can feel the steady thump-thunder of his own pulse and his lungs start to burn. 

Cas is watching Dean so intently, and it’s more that than the need for air that has Dean’s hand stutter on his cock. “Don’t stop,” Cas murmurs. “Coming is so good when you can’t breathe.” 

Dean shifts under Cas’s hand but Cas just clamps down harder, wetting his lips the way he does when he’s thinking about kissing Dean. Dean’s eyes want to close but he forces them open as the urgency for air spreads from his lungs outward. 

Dean’s already coasting towards orgasm, and he tightens his grip around his dick, strokes faster. He can feel his skin changing color — Cas went blue-tinged once, but Dean doesn’t think it’s anywhere near that point — and tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. He thought Cas had choked him on his cock before, but it was nothing like this. Dean is floating outside himself, no smoke or drink required. 

There’s a certain kind of panic in his chest, but it’s overtaken by a soft glow of calm as Dean gives himself over to Cas. He knows bone-deep that Cas never wants to hurt him, not for real. 

And Dean comes  _ explosively _ . 

Cas smiles and waits until Dean’s cock stops jerking before he pulls his hand off Dean’s mouth. He strokes his fingers into Dean a few more times and then that touch is gone, too. 

Dean gulps and gasps for air, chest heaving, and finally closes his eyes. Cas kisses the tip of Dean’s nose and then his mouth. “Ok?” Cas says, sounding a little worried.

“Fuck,” Dean says. “Fuck, that was good. I’ve never come like that just jerking off.” 

Cas moves Dean’s leg out of the way to lay next to him, pressing kisses to Dean’s still-flaming cheek, and the corner of his mouth, and the place on his temple where a single tear fell. 

Dean turns his head to look at Cas and offers a smile. “I’m ok. That was — like, wow. Thank you.” 

Cas snorts. “You’re welcome.”

“Did you like it? Can we do it again sometime?” 

“Yes to both.” 

Dean turns to kiss Cas properly. “Want to fuck me?” 

“I’ll probably come if you barely touch me.” 

Dean laughs and then kisses him again, hand sliding down to wrap around Cas’s cock. It’s not immediate, but it doesn’t take much for Cas to be spilling over Dean’s hand. Dean is exhilarated to be the one who works Cas up like this, makes Cas groan and bite at Dean’s bottom lip. 

Afterwards they just lay tangled together, breathing each other’s air and smiling every time their eyes meet. 

Cas gives Dean a long kiss and then says, “I went to a yoga class this morning.” 

“With Lisa, right?” 

Cas frowns. “Yes, but that’s not the point. A guy I’ve hung out with a couple of times, a sort-of friend, tried to pick me up. That’s the kind of thing I used to do all the time.” 

“I know,” Dean says, quiet. 

“So did you.” 

“Yeah. Sometimes.” 

“I knew I didn’t want to do that anymore — I mean, I was pretty sure I didn’t want to — but I didn’t really  _ know _ until he was in front of me.” 

“Did you, um,” Dean starts, then realizes he doesn’t know how to finish the question and doesn’t really want to know the answer anyway. 

“Jesus, Dean, of course not. I told him I had a boyfriend.” 

Dean presses a kiss to the corner of Cas’s mouth, murmurs, “Good.” 

“I just want you to know that I belong to you. I need you to know you’re not the only one in this for real.” Cas leans back to meet Dean’s eyes. “Do you understand that?” 

“Yeah,” Dean says. “I’m beginning to get the idea.” 

 

Later Cas fucks Dean’s throat until  _ Dean _ cries, comes in Dean’s mouth, hits him and thanks him in the end. Dean thinks he probably wouldn’t mind if more guys in yoga classes try to pick Cas up if this is going to be Cas’s reaction. 

And, as usual these days, Dean falls asleep wrapped up in Cas and smiling. 


	27. GAY WATER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“No, wait. Cas, don’t. Please. Cas — come on, don’t. You can do anything you want to me, but seriously, not —”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [areiton](http://areiton.tumblr.com) for calling me on my bullshit for this one :)
> 
> **Tags** : Bondage, face fucking

“You pay a flat price and then you get a bunch of tokens to trade for beer. You’ve seriously never done this before?” 

Cas does something like pouting, which is foreign and hilarious on his face. “No, Dean, I haven’t done this before.” 

“This is the beer you keep at home!” 

“I need a really good reason to go somewhere I can’t smoke weed.” 

Dean laughs and bumps his hip against Cas’s. “Are you going to try something other than Peacemaker? I think they have this chocolate thing you might like.” 

Cas pouts again and Dean pulls him closer by the lapels of his jacket. Dean says, “Don’t make that sour face. Charlie is going to love you. She’s already a little obsessed.” 

“What did you tell her?” Cas says. 

Dean looks up and the bartender is waiting on them with raised eyebrows. Dean coughs and says, “One of the chocolate things and, uh, Bloodwork Orange.” Dean passes chips across the bar as the tender starts to pour. “You’ll like one of these. We can trade if you want.”

“Dean!” Charlie shrieks from across the warehouse, and then Dean’s being wrenched away from Cas so Charlie can tackle him. It’s a good thing she’s small enough that Dean can catch her when she jumps to wrap her legs around him.

“Hello, Charlotte,” Dean says, laughing. “This is —” 

“Caaaas,” Charlie says, hopping off Dean to peer at Cas. She’s not much shorter, but it wouldn’t matter if she was, the way she towers over people with raw power. 

“Charlie, I presume,” Cas says back. 

“Castiel James Milton.” 

“So I’ve been called.”

Charlie leans closer to Cas and whispers, “The first dude to make it into Dean’s heart.” 

“Jesus, Charlie, shut up,” Dean says, blushing. 

“I’ve spent nearly a decade trying to lead that horse to gay water, and you manage it with just some eye-fucking in a bar!” 

“Charlie,” Dean hisses, and gives Cas an apologetic grimace. 

“He was surprisingly easy, considering,” Cas says, and Dean scowls.

“Everyone else is already here,” Dean says, trying to end this conversation. “Outside.” 

“Hang on,” Charlie says. “I gotta get something for Dorothy. What kind of beer do hot butches like, do you think?” 

“Double IPA,” Cas says. 

“Cool, I’ll catch up,” Charlie says, then turns to lean over the bartop. 

Dean and Cas head towards the table outside where they saw the rest of the group on the way in.  Cas says, “Dorothy’s her girlfriend?” 

“I think they’re kinda doing a poly thing with Row. They met not that long ago, at some kind of meet-up thing for trans lesbians or something. I dunno, I’m not invited to it.” 

Cas snorts. “I’m under the impression you’re a man, so that might not be the best place for you.” 

Dean grins and grabs Cas’s hand. Garth and Kevin are clearly thrown by it and can’t manage a coherent greeting when Dean and Cas make it to the table. Benny spots them and stands up to clap Dean and then Cas on the shoulder. “Good to see you again, brother,” Benny says, to either or both of them. 

Cas and Dean drop down on the bench next to Benny. Introductions go around — Cas knows Jo and Garth and Kevin but hasn’t met Dorothy and Gilda and Rowena, and there are some of Benny’s other friends that even Dean hasn’t met before. 

“I just surround myself with lesbians, basically,” Dean says, and Rowena pinches his cheek. 

Charlie rejoins them with a beer in each hand. She sits across the table from Cas, smirking devilishly at him. “Tell me everything,” she says. 

“Like what?” Cas says while Dean glares at Charlie. 

“ _ Everything _ . And I’ll tell you about —” 

Dean kicks at her under the table, but Benny steals his attention before he can hear the rest of Charlie’s sentence. Jo and Benny keep Dean engaged for far too long, but Dean can see Charlie and Cas speaking intently out of the corner of his eye. He’s not sure if it’s a good sign or not that they’re laughing a lot, too. 

Cas gets up to get Dean the next two rounds, and Dean nuzzles against his cheek in thanks both times. Charlie grins at them so wide it makes Dean blush. 

Cas has hinted to Dean before about how anxious social situations can make him, but Dean would never be able to guess. Cas is cool and in control as always, laughs easily, holds Dean’s hand loosely under the table. Dean is so fucking into him it makes his breath catch and fingers tighten around Cas’s. 

Cas looks over at him and raises his eyebrows a bit,  _ Everything ok? _

Dean smiles back and kisses him. It’s chaste and brief but Charlie has to slam a hand over her own mouth to muffle her squeal. Dean flushes when he pulls back, then flushes even deeper to see the gentle smile on Cas’s mouth and the brightness of his eyes. 

They sit around drinking until long after the sun has gone down and the string lights overhead have turned on. Somehow Cas keeps getting closer, until he’s tucked up under Dean’s arm with his palm high on Dean’s thigh. Jo just gets increasingly smirkier as the evening goes on. 

“We better go,” Rowena says, poking at Charlie and Dorothy. 

“Fine, fine.” Charlie gestures at Cas’s phone. “Do your thumb. I’m texting myself.” 

“I’m officially discouraging this,” Dean says. 

“Get over it.” Charlie passes the phone back to Cas. 

Dean glances at Cas. “We should head out, too.”

The girls and Dean and Cas walk out together and part ways in the parking lot after hugs all around. Once Charlie and friends have walked away, giggling, Cas pushes Dean up against the Impala and kisses him. 

“Hey,” Dean says softly. 

“Take me home.” 

“Yes, sir,” Dean says, winking at Cas. 

Cas brushes his fingertips over Dean’s cheek, and Dean is pretty sure this is the point Cas would slap him if they were in the privacy of one of their apartments. “Take me home,” Cas says again. 

Dean is proud that they manage to keep their hands off of each other until they’re in the apartment, but once Cas flips the deadbolt, all bets are off. Dean reaches for Cas but instead Cas slams him against the wall and lays attack on his mouth. “Guess what we’re doing tonight,” Cas says. 

“Is this a trick?” Dean says, grinning. “What are we doing tonight?” 

“I’m going to ride you nice and slow, make you come in me. I want to feel you.” 

“Mmm,” Dean says, pulls him back in for another kiss. “Jesus, you’re so fucking sexy. Sometimes I forget, and then I see you around other people. And it’s like —” Dean breaks off to gasp at Cas’s teeth on his neck — “like, fuck, no one compares to you.” 

Cas smiles and brushes his mouth across Dean’s again. “I concur. Charlie is a lot of fun and pretty cute, but she’s not you.” 

“And she definitely doesn’t want to fuck you.” 

“I bet you like redheads.” Cas grabs Dean by the belt loops and starts backing towards the bedroom. “But she can’t have you.”

Dean laughs. “Trust me, baby, she doesn’t want me. Your jealousy is kinda hot though.”

“I’m not jealous,” Cas says, pulling Dean’s shirt over his head. “I know who you belong to.”

Dean runs one hand through Cas’s hair and the other up his shirt, fingertips light as they skim up Cas’s spine. Cas takes it as an invitation to kiss, sliding his tongue in Dean’s mouth even as he’s back to maneuvering Dean towards the bed. 

Dean falls backwards into it, and Cas leans over him to tug open his jeans and start pulling them down his hips. “Goddammit, you didn’t take off your shoes when you came in.”

Dean laughs and watches Cas as he pulls Dean’s boots off. They get tossed somewhere to the side to be tripped over later, and Dean’s jeans and socks follow.  “Someone was too busy shoving me into bed to let me take ‘em off. Yours are on too, asshole.”

Cas smacks the side of Dean’s bare thigh, a sharp sting. “Watch it.”

“Or what?”

Cas’s eyes sweep down and then back up Dean’s body, lingering where he’s getting hard in his boxers. “Take those off, then don’t move.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean says.

Cas is half turned away already but he turns back to slap Dean across the face. “You’re already in trouble. Do you want to add to that? Maybe no one will be fucking anyone tonight.”

“What are you going to do about that, then?” Dean says, glancing at the growing bulge in Cas’s jeans. 

“I would make you watch me jerk off. Come all over you, perhaps, but you can’t touch me or yourself.”

“Don’t do that,” Dean says, pouting.

“Then behave.”

Dean groans but obediently slips out of his boxers while Cas disappears into the closet. He comes back out with the chained leather cuffs and blindfold, and Dean flushes all over to see them. “Is that for me or you?” 

Cas rolls his eyes. “You’re very smart, Dean, and we both know I’m not the one incapable of being anything but a brat.” 

Dean tries not to smile because maybe Cas wants him to pretend this is serious, but he’s not very successful at hiding it, especially when he holds his wrists out gladly for Cas to buckle the cuffs around. 

But Cas smiles, too, as he loops the chain through the headboard and clips it to Dean’s other wrist. “Is that too tight?” 

Dean pulls against them and then relaxes again. “No, it’s good.” 

Cas kisses him, a lot of tongue but more sweet than anything, and Dean arches into it, wanting more. He remembers when Cas never kissed him like this and wants to go back to reassure his past self that it’s worth waiting for. 

Cas pulls away and grabs his phone. “Video again?” Dean says. He knows Cas likes the one they made — just the day before Dean got a text from Cas mid-afternoon, a picture of Cas’s belly covered in come and cock still hard. The message said,  _ I just watched it again _ . 

“Music,” Cas says, scrolling.

“This requires a soundtrack?” 

Cas pushes play and drops his phone on the bedside table. He’s already mostly out of his clothes by the time the first beat hits, and Dean groans. “No, wait. Cas, don’t. Please. Cas — come on, don’t.” 

Cas grins and mouths,  _ Here I am my love, just like when we first hooked up, feeling like I’m animal, feeling like you’re edible, bendable... _

“You can do anything you want to me, but seriously, not —”

“Well, let me tell you a little story,” Cas says, and bursts into laughter at the look on Dean’s face.

“I fucking hate you,” Dean says. “This is the worst thing you’ve ever done to me.” 

Cas is laughing so hard he stumbles a little getting out of his jeans, but once he’s out of them, he switches to the Winchester Special playlist he made for Dean. “Are you happy now?” 

“I’m glad the torture is over, yeah.” 

Cas bumps his nose against Dean’s before pulling the blindfold over his eyes. “So dramatic.” 

Cas backs away and digs around in the closet again first, then retreats down the hallway. Even when he comes back, he doesn’t touch Dean, doesn’t approach the bed. The smell of burning weed hits Dean’s nose and he rolls his eyes underneath the blindfold. “Seriously?” he says. 

“I should gag you, too.” 

Dean squirms. “Come on, touch me at least.” 

Cas’s weight hits the bed, and Dean has no idea what to expect. He supposes he’s not that surprised to hear the  _ snick _ of the lighter again. “Open your mouth,” Cas says, and when Dean responds, he leans forward to exhale smoke past Dean’s waiting lips. 

When Dean breathes out, Cas kisses him for real, then says,“Would you like some more?” 

“Sure,” Dean says. 

Cas gives him a few more hits the same way. He’s not touching Dean other than with his breath, but even just that has Dean’s skin prickling into goosebumps. And Dean’s a lightweight, so he’s already floating a bit, aching even more to feel Cas under his palms. 

The next  _ snick  _ is the lid of the lube popping open. Cas says, “Spread your legs.” 

Dean is done being cheeky and lets his thighs open. Cas hums appreciatively, then runs a wet finger around Dean’s hole. Dean wonders where Cas is looking, if he’s watching Dean’s flushing face or his throbbing cock or his ass where Cas’s middle finger is sinking in at a nearly glacial pace. 

Cas gives Dean a second finger, but only for a moment before he pulls both out, and the warmth of his fingertips is replaced with the cold-hard of glass. Dean whimpers as Cas starts to press inward, just barely before withdrawing, only to press in the slightest bit more. If it weren’t for the pot loosening him up, Dean would be trembling with need by the time Cas finally pushes the plug past the widest part, holding his thumb against the base as it settles. 

Cas kisses the side of Dean’s knee and says, “Close your legs again.” 

Once Dean adjusts, Cas puts a knee on either side of Dean’s thighs but doesn’t lean any weight on him. The lube clicks open again. Cas says, “What do you want?” 

“Honestly, I really want to suck your cock.” 

Cas makes a tiny, pained noise. “Jesus Christ, Dean. You are going to be the death of me.” 

“At least you’ll die happy.” 

Cas laughs, but it’s a little breathless now. He’s still straddling Dean’s thighs, and Dean can feel as he softly sways over Dean. 

Dean’s mouth goes dry. “What are you doing?” 

“Fingering myself, obviously.” 

“Obviously,” Dean says, but now he’s breathless, too, imagining it. Dean has watched Cas do it before, entranced by his lovely long fingers sliding in and out of himself, entranced by the way he arches his back and bites his lip with Dean’s eyes on him. “I want to see.” 

“That’s why this is called punishment,” Cas says, leaning forward to kiss Dean. 

“You gonna tell me if it feels good, at least? Is it as good as when I do it?” 

Cas takes a second to answer, and Dean can feel his warm breath against Dean’s cheek, getting a little faster the same way his wrist is bumping against Dean’s thigh. “No, it’s not as good as you.” 

“Then let me. I know how to make you feel good.” 

“I didn’t know you’d be so whiny about this punishment.” 

“ _ Baby _ ,” Dean says, but Cas shushes him and then grabs Dean’s cock with a slicked-up hand. Dean stops protesting as Cas lowers himself, slow enough that Dean’s toes curl with the intensity of it. 

And, yeah, bare is so much fucking better from this side, too. Dean pulls against the cuffs uselessly, turns his head to try to dislodge the blindfold. He wants desperately to get his hands on Cas, hold him close and warm, kiss his plush mouth, whisper into his ear. 

Cas lets out a shaky breath when he takes the last of Dean’s cock in him. “Do you want me to let you go?” Cas says, rolling his hips slowly. 

Dean hisses. “Christ, no. I mean, I want to — fuck, that’s good — I want to touch you, but this is fun too.” 

Cas braces his hands on Dean’s shoulders and kisses Dean. “You feel incredible,” he says into Dean’s gasping mouth, barely audible over the music. “I love having you like this.” 

“You like it bare, too?” 

Cas moans, and Dean’s hands jerk towards him, get caught before they make it too far. “Of course I do. You know what it feels like.” 

Dean parts his lips and tilts his chin up, begging for a kiss. Cas gives him what he wants, unhurried the same way he’s rising and falling back onto Dean’s cock, sending electricity scattering under Dean’s skin. 

“Dean,” Cas says in between kisses. “I like your friends.” 

“They like you,” Dean says absently. He’s having trouble concentrating on words, aware — despite the weed — of every tiny sensation, from the leather around his wrists to the darkness of his eyelids to the tight heat of Cas around his cock to the plug inside him, resting lightly against his prostate.

Cas can tell Dean’s drifting away from coherency because he goes quiet after that, other than when he’s moaning into a kiss. Dean is making noise, too, saying Cas’s name when Cas gives his mouth a break. 

“You’re close, aren’t you, sweetheart?” Cas says. 

“Yeah,” Dean whimpers. 

“Do you still want to suck my cock?” 

“God, yes.” 

“Come in me first.” 

Dean groans and Cas intensifies his movements just enough to coax an orgasm out of Dean. Dean comes hard and slow when stoned, and it’s even better when Cas clenches around him and keeps rocking in his lap until it’s over. 

“That feels so fucking good,” Cas says. Dean can feel his cock hard and wanting between them. 

“C’mon,” Dean says, licking his lips. 

Cas sits up to pull off of Dean’s dick, and then tugs on his shoulders. “Scoot down.” 

Cas positions Dean to his satisfaction: Cas’s knees now around Dean’s shoulders, guiding his cock into Dean’s mouth. He’s halfway in when he suddenly pulls back. “Shit, sorry,” he says, unclipping one of Dean’s wrists. 

“Huh?” Dean says, but his hand goes immediately to Cas’s hip, squeezing. 

“So you can tap me.” 

The head of Cas’s cock is back at Dean’s lips, and Dean opens eagerly to take him in. He hasn’t had to tap Cas in a long time and he’s pretty sure it’s not going to happen tonight. 

Cas’s cock is hot and heavy on his tongue, tasting mostly of clean skin with a the bitter note of precome. Dean will never get tired of it. He’ll never get tired of how powerful it makes him feel, even immobile and blind, to reduce Cas to a panting mess. 

“Good boy,” Cas says, petting his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Do you want me to come in your mouth?” 

Dean tries to take more of Cas into his throat, and Cas laughs quietly. “Ok, sweetheart. You can have what you want.” 

Dean grips Cas’s hip as Cas thrusts into his mouth, his hand now wrapped in Dean’s hair to hold him still. Cas shoves deep right before he comes and Dean doesn’t even sputter as it shoots down his throat. Cas holds there for long enough that Dean wonders if he’s trying to get Dean to tap out, but ever since Dean asked Cas to choke him, the idea of letting Cas be the one to decide when he gets air doesn’t scare him. 

Cas’s hand gentles in Dean’s hair as he pulls his softening cock out of Dean’s mouth. “Are you ok?” 

“One hundred percent,” Dean says hoarsely, smiling. 

Cas climbs off of Dean and pulls off the blindfold and lets his other wrist free. 

“Hey, beautiful,” Dean says when he has Cas in his sights again. 

Cas kisses him, deep enough to taste himself, and slides his hand between Dean’s legs to tug lightly at the plug. It comes out only marginally quicker than it went in. Dean wishes suddenly that Cas could fuck him. Dean  _ craves _ Cas. 

Cas drops the plug on the floor and then moves back close for more kisses, his fingers laced around Dean’s. 

The playlist ends. Cas turns to pull the cord on his weird librarian lamp and the room goes dark. It doesn’t take much longer for the kisses to stop, but Dean’s still awake enough to say, “You doing Christmas with Gabe?” 

Cas laughs softly, still sounding bright and alert. “No, I try to avoid that as much as possible. Both holidays and Gabe.” 

“You don’t have to say that just because I don’t have anywhere to go.” 

“Gabe’s wife is great, but her family is not. If you wanted to go to their gathering with me, we can certainly do so. I’m just warning you, they’re a little homophobic, so I was hoping to use you as an excuse to not attend.” 

“I’d rather stay in bed where there’s no one to tell us we’re wrong for being together.” 

Cas kisses Dean’s forehead. He does that a lot lately, right before Dean falls asleep. Dean thinks it might be an apology for how often Dean wakes up alone later in the night. “It’ll be my best Christmas,” Cas says softly. 

Dean holds him tighter. He doesn’t let himself think that maybe it’ll be the first  _ best Christmas  _ of many. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [love again by run the jewels](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks0GQ44xR4I)
> 
> _Oh, you such a dirty girl_   
>  _The world won't let you be yourself_   
>  _I won't accept nothing else_   
>  _I be having none of that_   
>  _You be takin' all of this_   
>  _Pleasure come from punishment_   
>  _Your threshold astonishin'_


	28. MORE THAN THREE, LESS THAN TEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I — so. When I was 19.” Curiously, Dean looks away and blushes scarlet. “There was this girl. Woman. Whatever. She, um.” Dean glances at Cas and then away again, and he’s fidgeting his fingers together. It would be adorable if Cas wasn’t starting to get worried. “She wanted me to try on her panties.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [areiton](http://areiton.tumblr.com) for the beta :)

“So I, um, wanted to ask you something.” 

“Yes?” 

“I — so. When I was 19.” Curiously, Dean looks away and blushes scarlet. “There was this girl. Woman. Whatever. She, um.” Dean glances at Cas and then away again, and he’s fidgeting his fingers together. It would be adorable if Cas wasn’t starting to get worried. “She wanted me to try on her panties.” 

Cas’s worry disappears as fast as it came on, but he manages to tamp down his smile. “Did you?”

Dean licks his lips and says quietly, “Yeah.” 

“I bet you were exquisite.” 

Dean ducks his head but looks up under his eyelashes, shy and sweet. “Yeah?” 

“Do you have some? Or would you like to get some?” 

“I don’t have any,” Dean says. “But, if you wanted? Maybe I could.” 

“I know a store online. Do you want to pick them out?” 

Dean licks his lips again. “Do  _ you  _ want to?” 

Cas rubs his hand over Dean’s boxer-clad hip, thinking. “Yes. Do you have any preferences? Color, cut, material?” 

“I don’t think so.” 

Cas kisses him, just a light brush of lips. “Thank you.” 

“For what?” 

“Telling me.” 

“You don’t think it’s weird?” 

“No. I can’t believe she thought of it and I didn’t,” Cas says, eyes drifting down Dean’s body. He really is lovely in a way that makes Cas’s chest clench. “I can’t wait.” 

Dean finally puts his hands on Cas, pulling him closer, grabbing his mouth in a heated kiss. “What are you going to do to me? When they get here.” 

“Take pictures of you,” Cas says, kissing Dean’s jaw, down his neck. “Devour you.” Cas shifts even closer and says right against Dean’s ear, “Make you come while you’re wearing them.” 

Dean’s breath hitches and his hand tightens around Cas’s hip just like Cas hoped. 

“You like that,” Cas says, hiding a self-satisfied smile against Dean’s neck. 

“What else?”

“Mmm,” Cas says. “No. It’s late, and you’re already tired, so we will reconvene on this topic tomorrow.” 

Dean groans. “Seriously?” 

Cas wraps his hand around Dean’s cock through his boxers. He’s mostly hard and whimpers beautifully when Cas squeezes. “Yes, seriously.” 

“I’m going to go jerk off in the bathroom then.” 

“No, you aren’t,” Cas says, laughing, and he kisses Dean, his mouth and then his forehead. Goodnight kisses.

Dean grumbles about it for a bit more, then cuddles up under Cas’s chin, an arm draped over Cas’s middle. Cas stays holding him as long as he can before that thing shrinks call  _ flight of ideas _ takes off and he has to separate. 

Dean wakes up enough to tilt his head up for a kiss as Cas crawls out of bed.

 

A week later, Dean comes in from work with a box in his hands. “Found this on the landing,” he says, and he’s blushing, so it must be the panties. 

“Goddamn UPS guy never knocks,” Cas says. He grabs the box out of Dean’s hands. “Do you want to try them now?” 

“Let me shower first and then — yeah, if you want.” 

“Perfect,” Cas says. “I bought several pairs, so I need to decide which one I want to see on you first.” 

While Dean showers, Cas breaks into the box and lays all the panties out on the bed. He ordered too many in the first place because the idea of Dean in any one of them made him bite his lip and adjust himself in his jeans, so it’s not easy to pick one. In the end he decides on something simple — black lace — and packs up the colorful ones back in the box and hides it in the back of the closet. 

Dean comes out of the bathroom rubbing a towel in his hair, another wrapped around his waist. Cas holds out the panties to him. “These first.” 

Dean hesitates before taking them out of Cas’s hand. “Ok, I’ll — I’ll be right back.” 

Cas sits on the edge of the bed to wait. It takes a long time for Dean to come out, but when he does, Cas stares so long in silence that Dean flushes red with shame. 

“Sorry,” Dean says. “This is stupid.” 

Cas manages to find his voice before Dean can hide in the bathroom again. “No, it’s really not. Come here.” 

Dean approaches nervously. As soon as he’s close enough, Cas grabs him by the hand and pulls him forward until Cas can press a kiss against his lower belly. “I was right,” Cas says. “You  _ are _ exquisite.” 

“Really?”

“Yes. I want to worship you.” Cas kisses a little lower, feeling the scrape of lace against his bottom lip and the heat of Dean’s skin against the top one. He has to take a deep breath to steady himself. 

Dean is starting to get hard already, and Cas’s next kiss is to Dean’s cock through the fabric of his panties. Cas lets go of Dean’s hand to slide his hands up the back of Dean’s thighs, slipping his fingertips under the elastic hugging the curve of his ass. He mouths slowly over the head of his cock while Dean gasps above him. 

“Turn around. Let me see the rest of you,” Cas says. Dean blushes again as he turns. 

“Christ, you’re amazing.” Cas grazes his fingertips along the top edge of the panties where they rest just below the dimples on Dean’s lower back and says, “Your ass is always amazing. But it’s  _ especially _ amazing in these.” 

Cas stands slowly, kissing up Dean’s back as he goes, nuzzling into Dean’s hair as he runs his hand around Dean’s hip, sliding into the panties to wrap around his cock. Dean makes a little noise and Cas says, “Are you going to let me take pictures of you?” 

“You want to?” 

“Of course I want to.” Cas keeps stroking Dean and grabs his ass with his other hand. “I want to look at you all the time.” 

“Can I take pictures of you, too?” 

Cas kisses down Dean’s neck and then bites his shoulder, hard enough for Dean to twitch and make another tiny sound as Cas digs his teeth in. Cas lets up and says, “What do you want pictures of me for?” 

“To look at you all the time.” 

“Are you going to look at me when you’re at work?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Do you miss me?” Cas says, smiling into Dean’s shoulder. 

“Yeah.” 

“Do you think about me?” 

“Don’t make fun of me. Obviously, I do.” 

“I’m not making fun of you.” Cas turns him around by the hips and kisses him as softly as he knows how. “I think about you. I’ve been thinking about you in these panties all week.” Dean is blushing, and Cas can’t get enough of him. “But yes, you can take pictures of me any time.” 

“In panties?”

Cas laughs. “If that’s what you want, then yes, darling, in panties.”

“Maybe later.”

Cas kisses Dean slow and deep, both hands squeezing Dean’s ass through the panties. “Get in bed, on your back,” Cas says. “I’ll get my phone.” 

Dean gives Cas a shy smile when he comes back in the room. Dean’s spread out on the bed, one leg pulled up a bit, and combined with that smile, Cas can’t catch his breath. “Wow,” Cas says, and Dean’s cheeks turn pink. 

“Can you take some clothes off? You’re making me nervous.” 

Cas laughs and strips off his t-shirt and jeans. He bends over the bed to kiss Dean’s forehead and says, “Can I hit you?” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “Yeah, of course.” 

“Mostly I just want to take pictures of you all red,” Cas says, and slaps him. 

Dean whimpers and blinks his eyes open slowly, smiling. “Anything you want.” 

Cas hits him again, then grabs his phone. He takes pictures of Dean’s face first, the brightness of his eyes as he watches Cas. “Dean,” Cas says, pulling back so all of him is in the frame. “I don’t know the words to say how beautiful you are.” 

“You know a lot of words,” Dean says, trying — and failing — for some sort of bravado. He’s so open and vulnerable in a way Cas doesn’t deserve. 

“I adore you,” Cas says. He takes picture after picture of Dean, guiding him on how to touch himself. Pinch a nipple, now slide your hand down your stomach, now touch your cock — no, through the panties, not inside them. 

Dean’s hard enough that the tip of his cock is showing above the panties, and when he squeezes himself through the lace, his eyes close. Cas takes pictures of that. When Dean bites his lip, Cas takes pictures of that. When he sucks two fingers in his mouth at Cas’s direction, Cas takes pictures of that, too. 

Cas pushes Dean’s hand out of the way and takes a picture of his own hand reaching underneath the panties to grip Dean’s cock, and he takes a picture of Dean’s head tipped back, a picture of the curve of his throat. 

“Cas,” Dean whimpers. 

Cas knows what Dean wants and can’t deny him anything. “Take this,” he says, handing the phone over. “Take a picture of me kissing you.” 

“K,” Dean says.

As soon as their mouths touch, Cas’s phone sounds out a string of shutter clicks. Cas laughs into the kiss and says, “Maybe one of those actually had us in it.” 

“Maybe,” Dean says, and drops the phone to pull Cas back in for another kiss. 

Dean wraps his hand around Cas’s cock and he strokes at the same speed that Cas is. In between one kiss and another, Dean says, “You could come on them too.” 

Cas often hates the primal part of his brain that wants to mark and claim Dean as his, but he can’t help the jerk of his hips at the idea. “Shit,” Cas says, and then, all too aware of how showing off the panties is affecting Dean, “Are you close?” 

“Y-yeah,” Dean says. 

Sitting back on his heels means Dean’s hand falls away from Cas’s cock, but it’s worth it to take pictures of his own hand stroking Dean, the shape of Dean under the lace, and then the come coming out of Dean’s cock as he gasps and moans.

Cas tucks Dean back into the panties and then smears his hand upward to push his fingers in Dean’s mouth, takes pictures of Dean’s red lips, his hooded eyes. “My turn,” Cas says, and uses Dean’s come and spit to slick up his cock. 

Without Cas asking, Dean takes the phone away and starts taking pictures of Cas stroking his cock over him. Cas smiles and then laughs and then bites his lip as he gets close, and Dean takes what sounds like a million pictures when Cas comes. 

Cas stares at Dean’s panties, dirtied up by both of them, as he comes down. “I would like to reiterate the ‘wow.’” 

Dean is smiling timidly again. “Not stupid?” 

“Definitely not,” Cas says, pulling the panties down Dean’s hips. “You look beautiful, but that’s going to get uncomfortable really fast.” 

Dean lifts his feet obediently for Cas to pull them all the way off and toss them towards the hamper. Dean says, “Do you think we ruined them?” 

“No. I already looked up how to get come out of lace.” 

Dean says, “You would,” and laughs until Cas cuts him off with a kiss. 

“I wanted to protect my investment. I plan on seeing you in those many times in the future.” 

Cas lays next to Dean and pulls him close. Dean says, “How many did you buy?” 

“More than three, less than ten.” 

“It’s extremely annoying when you say shit like that to me,” Dean says, but he’s smiling. 

“Five. There was a sale,” Cas says. “What would you think if I asked you to wear them when we go out?” 

Dean blushes. “Why?” 

“I’m not sure, actually. I suppose I like the idea of us having a little secret,” Cas says. “I already like the idea of being the only one to see you like that, so I suppose it’s an extension that you’re wearing them in public but I’m the only one who knows.” 

Dean gives him a considering look. “Yeah, I think I get it. I mean, you never wear underwear and I think about that a lot.” 

“You’re thinking a lot about how easy it would be to get a hand on my dick?” 

“Shut up. Can we look at the pictures? The ones of you, I don’t really want to see the ones of me.” 

“Shower first. You're a mess,” Cas says, rolling out of bed and reaching for Dean’s hand. 

“No. I am not taking another cold shower with you.” 

“We can do it hot.” 

“Last time you complained so fucking much —” 

“Honey,” Cas says. “I’m trying to make sacrifices for this relationship. Please allow me to do so.” 

“Relationship, huh?” 

Dean lets Cas pull him to his feet and Cas pushes him towards the bathroom. “Were you under the impression this was not a relationship?” Cas says, teasing. 

Dean stops short and turns to face Cas. “You’re just kidding, right? You know I’m serious about this.” 

Cas smiles and kisses him. “I know. Me too.” 


	29. INTERLUDE #8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"What do I say? ‘Hey, I’m not straight anymore, how about them Royals’?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [areiton](http://areiton.tumblr.com) and [ilovelucey](http://ilovelucey.tumblr.com) for the beta. :) 
> 
> (btw if you feel an extreme urge to see chapters before they are posted and are willing to do a quick & dirty beta, dm me. i always feel bad about asking the same people all the time.) 
> 
> **Tags:** Gay stuff

“I guess I need to tell Sam. That I’m — um, gay.”

Cas kisses each of Dean’s eyebrows. “Do you think you’re gay?”

“What?” Dean says, looking pointedly down the length of Cas’s naked body. “What the hell is this if not gay?”

Cas snorts. “ _I’m_ not gay.”

“Bi, right?”

Cas runs his fingertips up Dean’s stomach, up his sternum. Dean loves him like this, right after fucking when he’s so soft and sweet and can’t keep his hands off of Dean. “I do prefer men, but yes, bi.”

“I’ve been — thinking about it,” Dean says. “I’ve been with a lot of women. I liked it.”

“Mmhmm,” Cas says, kissing a fading bruise on Dean’s chest.

“But I like being with you more.”

Cas looks up, his eyes bright and smiling. “Is that so?”

“Yeah.” Dean smooths hair out of Cas’s face, kisses him. “But what do I say? ‘Hey, I’m not straight anymore, how about them Royals’?”

“What did you say before? When you started dating a woman?”

“I dunno. I guess the last time I was seeing anyone seriously, we were still in Kansas. So he knew if I was spending a lot of time with someone else already. What did you tell your parents?”

Cas laughs. “Something like ‘you were right, I’m a fairy. PS, fuck you.’”

“Gabe’s cool though.”

“He’s pretty equal-opportunity himself after enough liquor.” Cas taps his finger on Dean’s bottom lip. “You don’t have to tell him if you aren’t ready.”

“No, I — I should. He already thinks I’ve been weird lately.”

Cas smiles and leaves a lingering kiss on Dean’s cheek. “What are you thinking about for dinner?”

 

The first time Dean and Cas woke up, they had pretty incredible half-asleep morning sex, and then went back to sleep for a bit, and finally made it out of bed due to sheer desperation for caffeine.

Dean decides it’s time to bite the bullet. He’s been dodging Sam’s calls for a few days, trying to figure out what the fuck he’s going to say. He picks up his phone, checks his email, looks at his text thread with Charlie even though there’s nothing new. He knows he’s just procrastinating more and makes himself hit the _call_ button.

Sam picks up after two rings, sounding like he’s been up for hours. “Dude, I was starting to think you were dead!”

“I need to talk to you about something.”

“What’s going on? _Are_ you dying?”

“What the fuck? No, I’m not dying. I’m…” Dean rubs his hand through his hair, looks up to see Cas shirtless in the kitchen, fiddling with the French press. “I’m — I have a boyfriend.”

“A boyfriend.”

“Yeah. You know, dinner dates, kissing. Amazing sex.”

Sam groans. “That’s gross. Not because he’s a dude. Just because you’re my brother.” He’s quiet for a moment while Dean frets, and then he says, “Did it seriously take you this long to figure it out? How long have you been hiding this boyfriend?”

“Um,” Dean says. Cas sits on the couch next to him, passing over a coffee mug. “You… knew?”

“Real talk? You’re probably the only one who didn’t. Remember Aaron?”

Dean hasn’t thought about Aaron — one of his friends at a school they were at a little longer than the others — for a long time but looking back, Sam probably has a point.

“Hang on,” Dean says to Sam. He covers the microphone with his hand. “You wanna say hi, Cas?”

“Sure, why not.”

Dean puts his phone on speaker and says, “Hey, so, this is Cas.”

“Holy shit,” Sam says. “Charlie told me you made friends with that writer. Is that him?”

“Hello,” Cas says. “That would be me.”

“I read _Black Dog_ when it first came out.”

Cas snorts. “I’m sorry.”

“It was awesome. How the hell did Dean trick you into being his boyfriend?”

Cas glances at Dean and frowns. “I’m not sure being intelligent and kind and hard-working and devastatingly handsome is a trick. I can confirm that the sex is amazing as well.”

“Fuck you both. You’re perfect for each other,” Sam says, and Dean laughs. “Congrats on the coming out, man, but I promised a Mrs. Winchester brunch. Catch you later?”

“Later,” Dean says, looking up at Cas when the call disconnects.

“That went well, didn’t it?” Cas says. “Are you ok?”

“Holy shit,” Dean says. “Aaron Bass. I don’t know how Sam even remembers this but — yeah, I was totally in love with Aaron Bass in eighth grade. Holy shit.”

“Mine was a celebrity,” Cas says. “The one I look back at and think ‘how the fuck did I not know I was gay for him?!’ Ryder Strong.”

“Is that a pornstar? What kind of name is that?”

Cas smacks Dean’s cheek playfully. “The bad boy in _Boy Meets World._ ”

“You should be more embarrassed to admit that.”

“You’re hilarious.”

“Damn,” Dean says, squinting. “I was totally into Leo just as much as Kate.”

“He would’ve looked amazing in panties back then.”

“Are you implying he wouldn’t now? How old do I have to get before you don’t think I look good in panties anymore?”

“I will not be baited by you,” Cas says, rolling his eyes. “Plus, you promised me French toast.”

“That is a foul. I can’t be held to anything I say when you’re blowing me.”

“I respect that you’ve declined,” Cas says. “I’ll just start writing now and starve to death.”

Dean frowns. “You said you would take the day off.”

“Only if you feed me.”

“Ok,” Dean says, “but you’re not allowed to touch your computer today.”

“Unless we need to order food later.”

“You can use your phone.”

Cas crosses his arms and glares, but it only lasts for a couple of seconds before a smile twitches across his mouth. “Fine. I’ll accept these terms.”

Dean stands and heads towards the kitchen. “Are there bananas?”


	30. INTERLUDE #9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _A couple days ago he looked in the mirror and whispered to himself, “I’m fucking_ insane.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ilovelucey](http://ilovelucey.tumblr.com), [robotsnchicks](http://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com), [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com), and [fanforfanatic](http://fanforfanatic.tumblr.com) all helped me with this one.
> 
>  **Warning** for... Bipolar Stuff

Cas doesn’t remember the last time he really slept. He knows the Vyvanse is making the mania worse, and he knows the mania is why he’s churning out thirty pages a day. Knows it’s why he’s not sleeping and not really eating and spending every moment either desperate to fuck Dean or desperate to build words. Maybe prolonging it is the whole point of the drugs. 

His deficiencies are much more obvious while sharing space with someone mostly of sound mind. In his head it’s the sound of chamber music, the sharpness of violin strings that makes him think of razor wire. A couple days ago he looked in the mirror and whispered to himself, “I’m fucking  _ insane _ .” Dean’s the only one who does laundry.

 

Dean comes in from drinks with Benny. He does that a lot now, and Cas hates himself for all the times he declines to join them. Dean kicks off his boots and says,“Since when do you smoke cigarettes?” 

Cas looks down at his hand, a little surprised that it’s not a joint he’s smoking. He must’ve walked to the corner store sometime today, but he’s not entirely sure he remembers doing it. He says, “Some days are harder than others.” 

“Baby,” Dean says, “you can’t do that inside. I mean, it’s your place, you can do whatever you want. But it’s nasty.” 

“Shit. I’m sorry.” Cas snubs the cigarette out in his Jesus ashtray. “Don’t kiss me. I’ll be right back.” 

Cas brushes his teeth and gargles too much mouthwash. When he walks back into the bedroom, Dean is naked and handsome, tossing his clothes into the hamper. 

“Hello,” Cas says, and he grabs the back of Dean’s neck to pull him into a kiss. 

Cas fucks him slowly, then makes Dean come with a hand around his throat because Dean asks so sweetly.

 

“Can I ask you something?” 

Cas keeps staring at the same half of a sentence he’s been staring at for half of an hour. “Yes?”

“Where do you get these?” Dean says, shaking an unmarked orange pill bottle. 

“My weed guy knows a pill guy. Do you need something?” 

“Jesus, no.” Dean puts the bottle back on the coffee table. Cas can feel his eyes on him but he’s trying not to engage until he’s found the perfect order of words. Dean says, “Are you taking too much? Should I be worried?” 

Something in Dean’s voice makes Cas look up. He almost says,  _ You aren’t already? _ but he shouldn’t be surprised; people always believe his lies. “No, I’m not taking too much.”

“How can I help you?” 

Cas looks down at his screen and types five more words. “That depends on what you think I need help with.” 

“Cas, this isn’t like you.” 

Write three words. Backspace six. “You don’t know what I’m like.” 

Cas looks up again when Dean doesn’t respond. Dean is staring at him with his jaw dropped. “Seriously?” Dean says. “Ok, whatever. I’m going back to mine. Let me know when you decide I’m worth your attention again.” 

Dean shoves his feet into his boots, grabs his keys off the hook by the door, and storms out. Cas stares after him, wondering vaguely if Dean even has any clothes left at his own apartment. 

Cas isn’t entirely sure how to react. In the interim he glances down at his computer and gets distracted. Five words, backspace, three, period, backspace, three more. He half expects Dean is going to come back in a few minutes, but when he looks at the clock, it’s two hours later, and his place is still strangely silent without Dean’s presence. 

He still doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel about Dean leaving, but he picks up his phone and dials anyway. Dean doesn’t answer, but Cas knows he’ll get through Dean’s DND if he calls a second time. Dean doesn’t answer then either. 

The last thing in their text thread is Dean saying  _ I miss you too  _ in response to Cas sending one of the blurry, off-center pictures of them kissing. 

**Cas:** I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. 

**Dean:** What the fuck did you mean then 

**Cas:** Will you pick up if I call? 

**Dean:** I can’t talk to you right now 

**Cas:** I just meant that I don’t need your help because there’s nothing wrong.    
**Cas:** You’re always worth my attention. I’m sorry I haven’t been showing it like I should. 

Cas waits a long time for Dean to respond.

**Cas:** Sleep well. I hope you’ll let me talk to you tomorrow. 

 

Cas spends the next day pacing and smoking cigarettes on his back porch, not even opening his computer after the sun rises, and Dean shows up after work to find Cas laying on the unmade bed, staring at the ceiling. 

“Hey,” Dean says, quietly. He looks afraid. 

“Hello,” Cas says. 

“Can I come in?” 

“It’s your room, too.” Cas doesn’t think before he says it, and he doesn’t want to retract it even when he realizes. 

Dean sits on the bed and stares at Cas. “You look like shit.” 

“I couldn’t sleep without you.” 

“You don’t sleep when I’m here,” Dean says, rolling his eyes. 

“You were right. I’m not usually like this,” Cas says, “but I’m ok. Really.” 

Dean hesitates, then lies down, pulling Cas’s arm around him and resting his head on Cas’s shoulder. “I couldn’t sleep without you, either.” 

“I’m sorry,” Cas says, turning to kiss Dean’s forehead. “I didn’t mean it. You know me. I know you know me.” 

 

Cas tucks Dean into bed early, but as soon as Dean is asleep, Cas shifts out from under his arm. 

A crash is inevitable. He just hopes Dean keeps believing his bullshit until he can pull himself back out of the pit.


	31. YOU'RE BEING —

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Britney is a gay icon, Dean.”_
> 
> _“I’m really committed to getting my dick in you, so I’m not going to murder you right now. But it’s under consideration.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) for the beta and [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) and [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) for the sneak-peek reactions.  
> some of you are nicer to me than others (by which i mean deasncasanova makes fun of me a lot and i do not appreciate it but love him anyway).

“I would rather you whip me than make me listen to this song again,” Dean says.

Cas laughs and climbs into Dean’s lap on the couch. “You’d rather me whip you than just about anything.” 

“Hit ‘next track’ or I’m cutting you off from all of that,” Dean says, attempting a glare. “You’re such an asshole.” 

“Maybe, but you love me.” 

Dean’s heart stops then stutters back to life. He lets Cas kiss him, slow-hot, and when Cas pulls back, Dean whispers, “Yeah. I do.” 

Cas stares at him for several awful, silent seconds, then says, “Do you remember your safeword?” 

“Wait,” Dean says. “Am I being  _ punished?” _

“Of course not. You’re being — loved. I love you.” 

Dean swallows. “Yeah, I remember my safeword.” 

Dean doesn’t know what to expect, but Cas just kisses him again, a hand in his hair to hold him close. They kiss until they have to pull back to breathe, then Cas slaps him. Dean gasps and Cas says, “What did I do to deserve you?” 

Before Dean can come up with a response, Cas jerks his head back by the hair for another kiss, biting harshly at his bottom lip. “I’ve loved you,” Cas says, now biting his way down Dean’s neck, “for a long time.”

“How long?” 

“Before that first party at Benny’s.” 

“I thought maybe — you were different after that.” 

Cas smiles. “I’m going to ride you, and I’m going to hit you while I do it. Do you want to do that here or in bed?” 

“Sheets are easier to clean than the couch. And you’re turning that music off.” 

“Britney is a gay icon, Dean.” 

“I’m really committed to getting my dick in you, so I’m not going to murder you right now. But it’s under consideration.” 

Cas smacks Dean across the face, grabs his chin to jerk his head back around, and then hits him again. Dean’s eyes flutter shut and Cas says, “Again?” 

“Yeah, more. Please.” 

Cas hits him several times in quick succession, swapping sides until both of Dean’s cheeks are hot and tingling. “You know what I wish?” 

“No, what?” Dean says, a little dazed. 

“I wish I could mark up your face so everyone would know you’re mine.” 

The idea sends a shiver down Dean’s spine but he says, “Yeah, that probably wouldn’t go well. But you could come on me.”

“We’ll see.” Cas gets out of Dean’s lap and, thank god, silences his phone. “Get up. Bedroom.” 

Dean gives a little salute he knows Cas hates and hurries a little down the hall when Cas stalks after him. Before Dean can start taking off his clothes, Cas shoves him face-first into the bed, holding him down by the hair. “Don’t move.” 

“Ok,” Dean says.

Cas reaches around Dean to undo his jeans, and jerks them — along with his boxers — down to his thighs. Cas cracks his hand down on Dean’s ass hard enough that Dean yelps. 

“You’re not being punished for loving me,” Cas says. “You’re being punished for being a brat.” 

Dean laughs breathlessly. “Got it.” 

Dean waits while Cas digs in the closet, but Cas is on Dean’s blind side the first time he hits him with the paddle. Dean yelps again. His ass has been a galaxy of bruises for what seems like weeks straight, and it  _ hurts.  _

“Are you ok?” Cas says, rubbing a hand up Dean’s spine under his shirt. 

“Yeah, ‘m good,” Dean says, a little muffled against the mattress. “Punish me all you want.” 

Cas snorts and smacks his ass bare-handed again. “You like irritating me, don’t you?” 

“Yup.” 

The paddle comes down across Dean’s ass, but he manages to keep quiet this time. Cas comes around the bed so he’s back in Dean’s sight and bends down to kiss Dean’s temple. “I’m going to hurt you,” Cas says quietly. “And you’re going to love it.” 

“I always do,” Dean says. 

When Cas hits him, Dean goes somewhere else, floating outside of himself, every hit taking him higher. At some point past where Cas has striped Dean’s ass and thighs hot and swollen, Dean drops back into himself to hear Cas say, “Dean? Are you here?” 

“Oh, yeah,” Dean says, voice faint. “Here.” 

“Turn over.” 

Dean can’t move for a minute, and he’s definitely shaking when he turns himself around to lean against the headboard. Now that he’s present again, he can feel all the places Cas left bruises on him throbbing. 

Cas kisses Dean gently and says, “I adore you.” 

“I adore you, too,” Dean says with a smile. 

“Take off your shirt,” Cas says, and Dean does while Cas pulls his jeans and boxers off. 

As soon as Dean is naked, Cas slaps him across the face before undressing himself. Dean watches, his hand wrapping around his own cock without consciously thinking about it. He’s still nervous about how thin Cas is getting, but that doesn’t stop him from being the hottest thing Dean’s ever laid eyes on. He’s seen Cas naked a million times by now and the effect is never any less.

Cas climbs in bed to straddle Dean’s thighs and Dean grabs at his hips immediately, tilting his head up for Cas’s kiss. Dean finds the lube and slicks up his fingers before sliding into him slowly.

Dean remembers the first time he did this, how amazed he was by Cas’s moans from just Dean’s touch. Dean hadn’t been able to decide where to to look — Cas’s eyes heavy and dark, his cock twitching when Dean brushed over his prostate, his hole tight and hot around Dean’s fingers. Dean had still been pretending he didn’t have any interest in actually fucking Cas up until that moment, when he suddenly wondered how it would feel to have his cock inside Cas. And when he finally did, it felt like revelation.

Dean slides his fingers in and out of Cas while they kiss, Cas’s hands in Dean’s hair to hold him close. “That’s so good,” Cas says with a soft gasp. 

“Would you rather just do this?” 

“No, I need your cock in me.” 

“Well, get to it.” 

Cas laughs and smacks Dean and says, “Don’t tell me what to do.” 

“Ok, ok. I’ll be good, baby,” Dean says, grinning. 

Cas scowls but slicks up Dean’s dick anyway and starts to sink down on him. “Fuck,” Dean whispers, and Cas kisses him when Dean is as deep as he can get. 

“I love fucking you,” Cas says, rising up and riding back down slowly. “But sometimes I need this, too.” 

“I’m not complaining,” Dean says. He groans into Cas’s mouth as Cas rides him. Cas promised more hitting, but Dean’s not ready to give up on the kissing yet. 

Cas rolls his hips in Dean’s lap and says, “Your face isn’t even red anymore.” 

“Luckily you can fix that.” 

Cas smiles, so affectionate — god,  _ loving _ — then hits Dean. Dean whines, hips twitching upwards into Cas. Cas hits him again, and then kisses him, and then hits him until Dean is panting and floating again. 

“Dean,” Cas murmurs. 

“I’m here.” 

“Are you here enough to fuck me?” 

“Fuck, yes.”

Cas climbs out of Dean’s lap and then drags him close again. Dean leans down to lick one of Cas’s nipples and then kisses down the rise of his ribcage. “That’s not what I asked for,” Cas says. 

“Yeah, but — I want to. Just for a minute.” 

Cas laughs and puts his hands in Dean’s hair to push his mouth down around Cas’s cock. “Yes, you’ve convinced me,” Cas says, sliding into Dean’s throat. “You can do that for a minute.” 

Cas tastes good and he feels good, hot and hard and soft, and Dean lets Cas hold him down until his lungs burn. Dean pulls all the way off, coughing and gasping. “Are you ok?” Cas says, but he’s giving Dean that soft smile again like he knows how much Dean likes to be tested.

“I’m doin’ awesome,” Dean says, voice hoarse. He takes the head of Cas’s dick back in his mouth, sucking and rubbing his tongue over the ridge just underneath that makes Cas’s hands tighten in his hair. 

It’s more than a minute but Dean is adrift in a sea of Cas’s pleasure and never wants to stop. Cas lets him do it however he wants, which means slow and easy and loving the noises coming out of Cas’s mouth. 

“Mmm, Dean,” Cas says, pulling Dean off him by the hair. Cas runs his thumb over Dean’s bottom lip, then slips it in just enough to hook over his teeth and tug a bit. “You’re so beautiful. Come up here.” 

Dean moves up to kiss Cas, and while he’s distracted by that, Cas digs out the lube again and spreads it over Dean’s cock. “Fuck me, sweetheart,” Cas says, and Dean laughs as he slides into him. 

Cas gasps and pulls Dean into another kiss. Dean fucks him, slow and easy again, with Cas’s arms around his shoulders to keep him close. 

“Good?” Dean asks softly. He’s pretty sure he knows the answer, but he wants to hear Cas say it. 

“Amazing.” Cas leans up to kiss Dean and says against his mouth, “Best I’ve ever had.” 

Dean pauses deep inside Cas, frowning a little. “You don’t have to say that.” 

“I’m saying it because it’s true, not because I think you want to hear it.” 

Dean stares at him for a moment and then says, “‘I’ve never been in love with someone before.”

“Me either.” 

“I love you.” 

“I know.” 

Dean drops his forehead against Cas’s and laughs even as he starts up the slow roll of his hips again. “Even though you’re a huge asshole.” 

Cas tilts his head up so they can press their smiling lips together, not exactly a kiss but not  _ not _ a kiss. Dean runs his hand down Cas’s side, dances his fingertips over Cas’s hipbone, wraps his fingers around Cas’s cock. 

Cas moans and bares his neck for Dean’s lips and teeth. Dean says into his skin, “I want to make you come.” 

“Keep going. Just like that.” 

Dean groans and bites the side of Cas’s neck, keeps fucking him deep and undemanding. “Say it again,” Cas says against Dean’s ear, his breathing a little harsh. 

“Say what again?” 

“That you love me.” It sounds almost uncertain, and Dean pulls himself away from Cas’s neck to look at him. 

“I love you.” 

Cas stares at Dean’s mouth and bites his lip when he comes. “Fuck,” Dean murmurs, and thrusts a little sharper a handful of times until he comes as deep as he can get in Cas. 

Cas pulls Dean down into a kiss, tongue reaching into his mouth like he’s still looking for the taste of himself, then Dean nuzzles into Cas’s neck, kissing the teeth marks he left as he pulls out. 

Dean collapses next to Cas and Cas turns to him right away, moving close enough that their noses bump. Cas strokes his hand through Dean’s hair and kisses his forehead, his cheek, the corner of his mouth. 

“I thought you were going to come on my face,” Dean says, a little sleepy but starting to come down from his Cas-high. 

“That was your suggestion. I had my own plans.” 

Dean nods and closes his eyes, soothed by Cas’s hand in his hair, bruises all over, a room full of love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _dirty babe_   
>  _you see these shackles, baby,_   
>  _i'm your slave_   
>  _i'll let you whip me if I misbehave_   
>  _it's just that no one makes me feel this way_
> 
> [justin timberlake's "sexyback"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gOHvDP_vCs)


	32. BLOWJOBS ON HOLIDAYS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You don’t know him. Tall, handsome. Good with his hands, if you know what I mean. I’m very lucky.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [robotsnchicks](http://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com), [antigrassi](http://antigrassi.tumblr.com), and [Destiels_angels](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiels_angels) for their help on this one.

Dean is in the middle of some story about Garth on speakerphone, and Cas can hear his voice muffling in and out as he pulls his clothes off. Cas is already in bed in his swanky hotel room, smiling for real for the first time all day with Dean’s voice in his ear, laptop on the pillow next to him but still closed.

“Dean,” Cas interrupts. There’s a rustling from Dean’s end and Cas is pretty sure he’s climbing into bed. “I want you to make yourself come.” 

“I thought you would say that,” Dean says. 

“What are you wearing?” 

“Nothing.” 

“I was hoping so. Me too,” Cas says, sliding his hand up and down his stomach. “Tomorrow we’re getting on Skype so I can see you, but this will do for now.” 

Cas assured Dean that being gone for six days wasn’t going to be a big deal, but it’s only been four and Cas is desperately aching to touch him. Or kiss him. Remember the way his mouth feels, soft and swollen, after fucking. Or just hug him close, feel his heart beating. 

“What the fuck is a Skype?” 

Cas rolls his eyes. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Tell me what you want to do when I get home.” 

“Honestly?” Dean says. “I want to make sure you’re eating, and there’s a new show on Netflix I want to not watch while we make out.” 

Cas closes his eyes and smiles, imagining Dean in their kitchen humming, imagining Dean’s arms around his neck while Dean opens up so prettily to his tongue. Cas says, “We can talk about Garth if you’d rather.” 

“No, I just —  _ are _ you eating? Are you sleeping?” 

“Some and not really, respectively.” 

Quietly: “Are you ok?” 

“Sweetheart, of course I’m ok,” Cas says, then teases: “Do you miss me?” 

“Maybe, but you said you wouldn’t miss me, so.” 

“I was being a dick. I wish I was there with you.” 

“You need to eat. Order room service.” 

“It’s expensive.” 

“Baby, come on. I’ll pay for it. And I’ll do whatever you want on Skype tomorrow.” 

“Hmm, let’s see what the most expensive thing on this menu is,” Cas says, opening his computer. “There’s a ribeye for fifty-two dollars.”

“If you’ll eat it, then whatever.” 

“You know I’m not going to eat that. There’s a quinoa thing anyway.” 

“Oh, a  _ quinoa thing.”  _

“I know,” Cas says, just to annoy Dean, “that the exploitation of human workers is ultimately worse than factory —” 

“Oh my god, shut the fuck up,” Dean groans. “Can we get back to the phone sex?” 

“Yes,” Cas says, clicking through to place his order. “Tell me more about the making out in front of the tv.” 

Dean laughs. “I dunno. I just really like it.” 

“The first time you kissed me,” Cas says, and then flounders with how to finish. “I knew I would never forget it.”

“I want,” Dean starts, making a noise like he’s touching his cock already. “I want you to fuck my mouth, I want — fuck.”

“You’re getting so good at it.” 

“Fuck you, I’m great at it,” Dean says, but he’s probably blushing. 

“Yes, you are. Such a good boy.” Cas grabs the lube, gives his own cock the first few wet strokes, and says, “Tell me, Dean. What’s your favorite part?” 

“Um, I think…” Cas waits him out, just listening to Dean’s breath speeding up. “When you choke me.” 

“You like choking on my cock?” 

Dean gasps, “Yeah.” 

“You like it when you can’t breathe?” 

“Yeah.” 

Cas squeezes his cock near the base, starts stroking again, slower this time. “Are you touching yourself?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Do you know any other words?” Cas says, laughing.

Dean huffs and says, “Yeah. I just like — all of it.” 

“I like to make you cry.” 

“Ah — yeah, fuck.” 

“I like the way you look with my come on your face.” 

“Cas,” Dean says, panting.

“Have you been thinking about me while I’m gone?” 

“Yeah,” Dean says. “I like the pictures of, um. You coming on the panties.” 

“Oh, yes, tomorrow you will definitely be showing me some panties,” Cas says.

“Send me a picture. Of your face.” 

“Hold please,” Cas says. He manages to snap a picture without taking his hand off his cock. Dean will be able to see the flush of arousal on his cheeks.  

There’s a quiet moment when Dean must be looking at it, and then he’s back in Cas’s ear gasping and moaning like he does as he approaches orgasm.

“There you go,” Cas says. “Let me hear you.” 

“Cas,” Dean says, and Cas can hear the sharp inhale as he comes. 

Cas listens to Dean’s heavy breathing and when he comes himself, he whispers, “Christ, Dean.” 

“I do miss you,” Dean says after a minute. “I think about you all the fucking time.” 

“Me too.”

“How’s your editor?” 

“We had lunch yesterday,” Cas says. “I showed her pictures of my gorgeous boyfriend.”

“What’s his name again?” 

“You don’t know him. Tall, handsome. Good with his hands, if you know what I mean. I’m very lucky.” 

“Not as lucky as me,” Dean says. 

“You should get to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow.” 

“Hang on,” Dean says, and then, “I love you.” 

Cas smiles so hard it hurts. “I love you too.” 

 

**Cas:** I added Skype to your computer. I’m in the hotel so call me when you have time. 

**Dean:** This is a weird webcam thing isn’t it

**Cas:** I don’t think there’s anything weird about it, but yes, it is.    
**Cas:** There’s a box for you on the bottom shelf in the closet behind the toy box.

**Dean:** I’m going out with Charlie, Row, DB tonight so it’ll be later

**Cas:** Give your girlfriends a kiss for me. 

 

Cas can’t even say  _ hello _ before Dean says, “Are you fucking kidding with this?” 

Cas frowns. “I didn’t think I was.” 

“I mean, at least neither of them are pink,” Dean says. 

“You can put it back in the closet if you’d rather.” 

Dean pauses before answering. “But you want me to.” 

“I want to do things that make you happy.” 

“I guess — we could try,” Dean says. “I got the Skype thing started but I don’t know how to call you.” 

Cas makes a couple of clicks, Dean makes a couple of clicks, and then Cas can see Dean on the screen, blue-tinged from the shitty lighting in their bedroom. Cas hangs up on the phone and smiles. “Hello, Dean.” 

“Jesus, you’re naked,” Dean says, laughing. 

“I like to be prepared.” 

“I guess I should’ve thought about that.” 

“I can wait,” Cas says. “Are you going to put on the panties?” 

“Give me a minute.” 

Cas rolls his balls in his hand, staring at their empty bed on the screen. The sheets are mussed and Cas has a visceral memory of pressing Dean into them, making him beg. 

Before Dean even comes back on screen, Cas hears him say, “Holy shit. You’re so fucking hot.” 

Cas smiles. “Let me see you.” 

“Don’t laugh.” 

“I’m not going to laugh.” 

Dean comes in the frame with his eyes downcast and a blush on his cheeks. Cas’s breath catches but he knows Dean needs to hear him say, “You’re so beautiful.” 

Dean glances up and bites his lip. Cas hopes Dean is watching as he strokes his cock, hardening quickly as he drinks in Dean in purple lace. “You like it?” Dean says. 

“I love it. Turn around, please. Let me see.” 

Dean turns slowly. “I should’ve thought this through better,” Cas says, and he sees Dean’s shoulders tense immediately. “Not being able to touch you is going to kill me.” 

Dean turns back to give Cas a shy smile. He reaches underneath the panties to stroke his cock. “What do you want me to do?” 

“Have you been fingering yourself while I’m gone?” 

“A couple times.” 

“Are you going to show me?” 

“I thought you wanted me to use this thing,” Dean says, glancing back to the dildo on the bed.

“Just going to jump right in, soldier?” 

“I guess not.” Dean climbs into the bed and gives Cas another smile. 

“Do you feel good wearing the panties?” 

“Yeah. I like them.”

“Me too. I didn’t realize I needed to see you in them until you brought it up, but you just look — Jesus Christ,” Cas says. “I want to see you fuck yourself with them on. It might ruin them, but we can buy more.” 

Dean grabs the lube and starts to slick up his fingers. Cas says, “Move so I can see you.” 

Dean grumbles and shifts. “Better?” 

“Perfect,” Cas says. 

Looking nervously at Cas, Dean pulls the panties to the side so he can rub his fingertips over his hole. Dean bites his lip and Cas loves the look on his face the first time he’s touched there, like he’s still a little surprised he likes it.

“I love you,” Cas says on a whim, because he also loves the look on Dean’s face when he hears it. 

“Cas, come on,” Dean says, blushing. 

“Yes, come on, let me see you fuck yourself.”

Dean’s biting his lip again as he slides the first finger in. Cas watches him take it slowly, pumping in and out a few times before pressing the pads of two fingers in, just enough to make his eyelashes flutter. He looks up at Cas like he’s waiting for something. 

“Do you want permission?” Cas says. 

“I — yeah, I guess so.”

“You have permission to do whatever you want.”

Dean takes both fingers deep all at once. He manages to keep his eyes on the screen, watching Cas leisurely stroke his cock, but he gasps and Cas knows he’s fighting the way he usually bares his throat, eyes closed, to Cas when Cas is doing this to him. 

“You look incredible,” Cas says. “Does it feel good?” 

“Yeah.” 

“If I were there, I’d be kissing you now.” 

Dean moans softly when he pushes in a third finger and wraps his other hand around his cock underneath the panties. He’s gentler with himself than Cas would be, but maybe Cas should be spending more time being careful with him. 

“Should I…?” Dean says, looking at the dildo next to him. 

“Yes.” 

Dean uses both hands to slick it up while Cas stares at the wet spot on the front of his panties. When Dean looks up, Cas smiles and says, “I could watch you like this all day.” 

Dean smiles back and slides the toy between his legs. Cas licks his lips and watches Dean start to thrust it in and out, the panties straining around it. Cas can recall a shadow of what it feels like to be inside him, and he focuses on it now, trying not to dwell on how his own hand is a poor substitute. 

Dean makes an unhappy-sounding noise that startles Cas into looking at his face. Cas’s hand goes still. “Dean,” he says. “You don’t like it.” 

“No, it’s — it’s not like you, but it’s ok.” 

“Take it out.” 

“But you wanted to —” 

“Dean,” Cas says in the low voice that makes Dean listen. 

Dean pulls the dildo out and says, “Sorry.” 

“Dean,” Cas says. “Do we do things you don’t like because you think I’ll be mad if you don’t?” 

“No. Sometimes I don’t know if I’ll like it but — I like everything.” 

“Except this.” 

“Sorry.”

“Dean,” Cas says, trying to keep his voice even. “I don’t want to do things you don’t like.” 

“What about what you like?” 

“I have done a lot of things and liked most of them, but trust me, I’m not unsatisfied with what  _ we _ do.” 

Dean looks down, seems to remember he’s still in panties and pulls the blanket over his lap, and says, “Aren’t you going to get bored with me?”

“Jesus, Dean. Is that what you think is going to happen?” 

“Maybe.” 

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Cas says, closing his eyes. “I fucked this up. Can we put this on hold until we can talk in person?” 

“Ok.” 

“Sweetheart, don’t be upset. Let’s hang up. You go get changed and call me when you’re back in bed.” 

Dean shuts his computer and Cas starts running the bath so he can smoke while he waits for Dean’s call. He’s already halfway through his first bowl, a towel shoved under the door, when his phone vibrates on his thigh. 

“Hello,” Cas says. 

“Hey.” 

“It was nice to see you. Hearing you is nice, too.” 

“You’re not mad?” 

“Not at all. I promise,” Cas says. “Unless you don’t tell me if the lesbian triad is official yet.” 

Dean laughs quietly. “It seemed pretty official tonight.” 

“I should send Charlie a gift basket as congratulations.” 

“I think she’d be plenty happy if you came out with us sometimes.” 

“I’ll take that under consideration.” 

“I’m going to bed,” Dean says. “I’m not mad either. Love you.” 

 

When Cas walks out of the airport into Texas sunshine, Dean is leaning up against his monstrosity of a car waiting, and Cas drops his bag to throw his arms around Dean and kiss him soundly. Dean laughs and doesn’t even look around to see who might be watching.

“Hey,” Dean says. 

“Hey yourself. Take me home.” 

Dean asks about New York, and Cas talks about his editor and the expensive hotel the publisher paid for, and the quinoa thing, and by the time Dean unlocks the apartment door, Cas has no idea what he’s talking about anymore. Something about the heteronormative hegemony of the publishing world maybe, or the first Whitman poem he ever loved, or how it felt the first time Dean fucked him. 

“Do you disagree?” Cas says to cover up that he has no idea what he’s been saying. 

“Uh, no,” Dean says, furrowing his brows. “But…” 

“I’m done with  _ Giant _ ,” Cas says.

“You finished it?”

Cas shoves Dean onto the couch and climbs into his lap. “I’m bored with it. Started something new.”

“Are you allowed to do that?” 

“Sometimes I just get new ideas. Like snitches.” 

“ _ What?”  _

“They’re very difficult to catch,” Cas says. “Kiss me.” 

“In a minute,” Dean says, pressing his hand over Cas’s mouth to keep him away. “Are you high?” 

“That’s a great idea, actually,” Cas says, climbing out of Dean’s lap and grabbing his stash box from under the table. “Would you like to share?” 

“No, I’m good.” 

Dean keeps staring at Cas like he’s not sure what he’s looking at while Cas packs a bowl and takes the first few hits. “Better,” Cas says, and straddles Dean’s thighs again. 

Dean lets himself be kissed this time, curling his fingers in Cas’s hair when their tongues touch. Cas says, “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too,” Dean says.

“Let’s talk about what happened the other night.” 

Dean looks away. “I’m sorry. I can do it, it’s not a big deal.” 

“Look at me.”

Dean does, an expression on his face like he’s not sure what Cas is going to say. 

“It didn’t occur to me before that you might not know how to say ‘no’ to me.” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “I know how to say ‘no,’ Cas. I’m not an idiot.” 

“It seems you don’t know that I’m never going to be angry about it if you do,” Cas says. “And Jesus, I’m certainly not going to get  _ bored _ with you. We could switch to gentle missionary with blowjobs on holidays and I wouldn’t be unhappy.” 

“Ok.” 

“What else are you uncomfortable with? I assume the parking lot thing considering all the other times we haven’t fucked in your car.” 

“Yeah, that was — I dunno.” 

“That’s fine. I’ll never ask you again.” Cas kisses him, slow and sweet. “What else?” 

“The thing with Lisa. I really don’t want to do that again.” 

“I don’t either. Anything else?” 

“Do you think I’m fucked up for liking when you hurt me?” 

Cas frowns. “Of course not. Do you think I’m fucked up for liking to hurt you?” 

“I guess not.” 

“None of this is fun for me if you’re not enjoying yourself, too. You have to talk to me.” 

“Ok. I will. I’ll try.”

“Good,” Cas says. “Now lets fuck gentle and missionary.” 


	33. PERHAPS TOMORROW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Hmm,” Cas says. He keeps up with the same two fingers, pressing in the way that makes Dean say, “Oh, oh, don’t stop.”_
> 
> _“Hmm,” Cas says again, and stops._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [deanscasanova ("Big D")](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) caused this to happen and then beta'd it for me so really he basically wrote it

“Do you remember your safeword?”

“Usually do.”

Cas grabs Dean by the hair and wrenches his head back. “Don’t fuck with me, Dean.”

Dean grins and says, “Sure, ok.”

“You are, as always, being a fucking brat, so you don’t get to come until I say so.”

“Are you serious? For how long?”

“We’ll see,” Cas says, shrugging. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Am I going to hate it?”

Cas rolls his eyes. “Potentially, but you’ll eat it.”

“You’re being really horrible tonight,” Dean says, but he’s smiling.

Cas jerks Dean’s hair to get him off the couch, and Dean grabs him by the back of the neck to pull him in for a kiss. Cas allows it for a few moments and then pushes Dean towards the kitchen. “Go.”

Dean doesn’t hate dinner too much, and Cas managed to sleep a few hours in the afternoon so he’s a little more coherent, and Dean doesn’t say it out loud, but earlier while bickering with Cas over text about chores (“dude the roomba doesn’t pick up everything”), he realized they’re _building a life together._ For real.

 

Cas doesn’t let Dean even start the dishes, pointing down the hall to the bedroom. “Take off your clothes. Hands and knees.”

Dean strips off his clothes and is on the bed by the time Cas comes out of the closet. Cas spanks his ass, hard enough to echo, and shoves his face down into the mattress. “Give me your hands.”

Dean reaches both of his hands to rest at the small of his back. Cas hums appreciatively and cuffs Dean’s wrists together. “Wait here,” he says, and spanks Dean again on his way out the door.

Dean can hear Cas moving around in the kitchen, the clatter of dishes, the running water, but it seems like an inordinate amount of time has passed and Cas still isn’t back. Dean thinks about hollering for him a few times, but in the end just waits. He closes his eyes but is hyper-aware of every one of Cas’s noises.

Cas pauses in the doorway and Dean opens his eyes to peek at him. Cas looks almost awestruck and stands there for a moment of silence before saying, “You know I’m just teasing when I say you’re being bad, right? Because you’re…” Cas comes all the way into the room and runs his hand slowly up Dean’s back to stroke his hair. “You’re always good when it counts. You’re incredible.”

Dean blushes at the words and then blushes more when Cas bends down to kiss his cheek. “Thank you,” Cas says.

“For what? I haven’t done anything.”

“For letting me be yours.”

Dean smiles but Cas misses it as he steps around the bed, out of Dean’s sight so the hard smack to Dean’s ass isn’t entirely expected.

“You’re so quiet,” Cas says, sounding like he’s smirking. “I’ll take care of that.”

Cas doesn’t hit him again, though. He spreads Dean and licks him slow and wet, and Dean does gasp this time. Cas pulls back and spanks him sharply twice. “You’ve been using my soap.”

“That’s what you’re worried about right now?” Dean says, whimpering when Cas licks him again.

Cas pinches Dean’s hip and keeps slicking him up with his tongue. Dean squirms, trying to get Cas to lick him like he wants. Cas pinches again to get him to stop, but Dean thinks he won because Cas pushes the tip of his tongue in on the next swipe.

“Fuck,” Dean breathes out, and then says it again when Cas’s tongue goes just a little deeper.

Cas stops licking just long enough to suck his own fingers — Dean shivers to listen to it — and when he leans back in, he starts to work a finger in next to his tongue.

It’s wet but not quite wet enough, but sometimes Dean loves that, the almost-pain of it, so he just rocks back into Cas’s touch as long as Cas will let him. “You can be patient, can’t you?” Cas says, slowly pulling his fingers out.

“I can try.”

“Good,” Cas says. He digs the lube out and before long he’s got two fingers deep in Dean and Dean is gasping and moaning.

Cas bites one of Dean’s ass cheeks and says, “You like that? You want more?”

“Please.”

“Hmm,” Cas says. He keeps up with the same two fingers, pressing in the way that makes Dean say, “Oh, oh, don’t stop.”

“Hmm,” Cas says again, and stops.

Dean listens to Cas dig around in the closet. He’s hoping for the paddle — it’s been _days_ since the last set of bruises faded — but instead it’s the plug pushing steadily into him.Cas taps it after it settles and Dean jerks at the feeling of it.

“How are your arms?”

“I’m good.”

“Let me know if that changes.”

Cas leaves the room, and Dean listens to his footsteps retreat into the living room and then back towards the bedroom. Cas sits in bed next to Dean, laptop in hand.

“Are you serious?”

“Be quiet.”

Cas opens the computer and starts typing immediately, only pausing every few minutes to run his hand through Dean’s hair. The position isn’t entirely comfortable, but it’s bearable, and Dean is lulled by listening to the rhythm of Cas’s work, the plug heavy enough inside him to keep his cock mostly hard.

“How are your arms?” Cas says.

It takes a second for Dean to respond. “A little tingly.”

Cas puts his computer aside and unclips Dean’s wrists. “Roll over, sweetheart.” With Dean on his back, Cas rubs up and down his arms. “Is it getting better?”

Dean flexes his fingers. “Yeah, it’s ok, I would’ve said something if it was hurting me.”

“Just making sure,” Cas says, leaning to kiss him. “I need you to be ok so I can be horrible to you all night.”

Dean snorts. “I think I can handle it.”

Cas smacks him. “You’re lucky I love you.”

Dean laughs and Cas pinches one of his nipples hard enough to shut him up. Cas says, “One of these days, I’m going to gag you. I just keep getting distracted by all the other ways I can use your mouth.” It sounds like a promise and a shiver of anticipation runs down Dean’s spine. “But you first.”

Cas hits Dean, kisses him, then shifts between his legs and swallows down his cock in one smooth motion.

“Jesus Christ,” Dean says, because no matter how many times Cas has done this to him, he’s still not quite over how fucking _good_ it is.

Cas takes him deep and then pulls off to just suck at the head, teeth grazing in a way that makes Dean flinch and want more at the same time. With his lips still wet at the end of Dean’s cock, Cas says, “Tell me when you’re about to come.”

“Ok,” Dean says.

Cas swallows Dean down again and reaches his hand up to grip Dean’s tight. “Fuck, Cas,” Dean says, running the fingers of his free hand through Cas’s hair. He squeezes his knees against the soft fabric over Cas’s ribs and arches his back to push deeper into Cas’s mouth. “Oh fuck, fuck —”

Cas pulls off and smacks the side of Dean’s thigh. “What did I tell you?”

“Shit,” Dean says.

“Are you ok to continue?”

“In a second,” Dean says, letting out a slow breath.

Cas waits until Dean’s fingers loosen around his before leaning back in to give a long lick all the way up the underside of Dean’s cock.

“Jesus fuck,” Dean says, and it doesn’t take long before he gasps, “Stop, stop.”

Cas kisses just under Dean’s belly button and whispers, “Good boy.”

It takes longer this time before Dean says, “Ok.”

The next time Dean can’t even make the words, just pulls on Cas’s hair to get him off. When he starts to catch his breath, he says, “Come on, Cas, please.”

“Absolutely not.” Cas squeezes Dean’s hand and then gets out of bed to take off his clothes. Dean can’t help staring and licking his lips. “I’m going to fuck your mouth now.”

“Cool,” Dean says, smiling as Cas straddles his shoulders and rubs the head of his cock over Dean’s lips.

Dean opens readily for him, relaxing to let Cas have him. Cas jerks his hair to hold him where he wants, shoves into Dean’s throat after only a few thrusts. Dean chokes a little but squeezes Cas’s hips to encourage him. Dean is still very aware of the cuffs around his wrists, soft black leather with a clip hanging off the left.

Cas fucks deep into his throat for long enough that Dean’s hand twitches as he thinks about tapping. Cas must notice, because he pulls out all the way, rubbing his cock against Dean’s bottom lip again while Dean pants.

“I’m ok,” Dean says, voice rough.

Cas pushes back into his mouth and says, “I don’t think either of us give me enough credit for turning you into such a great cocksucker.” Dean’s hands tighten and Cas murmurs, “Interesting.”

Cas fucks in and out, deep and leisurely, and Dean’s eyes go watery and somewhere in the back of his mind he knows his jaw is starting to ache, but he doesn’t care as long as Cas keeps making those quiet noises above him. Cas pulls out suddenly and Dean says, “Don’t stop, I’m ok.”

“I know you are.” Cas climbs off and reaches to pull the plug out gently. “But you’re going to ride me.”

Cas leans against the headboard and spreads lube on his cock. “Get up here.”

Dean grips Cas to guide him, takes him in slowly. “You’re not allowed to come,” Cas says. “But after you make _me_ come, I’ll consider it.”

“Ok,” Dean says.

Cas hits Dean across the face and then jerks him down for a kiss. “You know what I like. Do it.”

“Ok,” Dean says, circling his hips and kissing Cas again.

They keep kissing until Cas’s kisses turn into gasps. Dean knows the sounds Cas makes when he’s getting close, and Dean works his hips faster until Cas moans, “ _Dean,”_ and comes throbbing deep in him.

Dean realizes his cock is almost painfully hard and dripping pre-come steadily. “Touch me,” Dean whispers.

“Oh, you think I should?”

“Please, Cas.”

“Were you close just now?”

Dean licks his lips. “Yeah.”

“And yet you didn’t tell me.”

“I forgot.”

Cas scowls and smacks him. “Then no, I’m not going to touch you. Get off of me.”

Dean collapses on the bed night to him, thighs trembling a little. “Please?”

Cas flicks his fingernail just under the head of Dean’s cock. “Ow!” Dean says.

Cas laughs. “You liked it.”

“You’re an asshole.”

Cas does it again, smirking when he sees Dean’s dick jerk. “Yes, well, you’re a brat, and no, you’re not coming tonight.”

“Cas,” Dean groans. “I might actually, literally die.”

“You will not. I’ll be back in a minute — you know better than to touch yourself.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean says.

Cas smacks him. “You think you’re so cute.”

“You think I’m cute, too.”

Cas smiles fondly and bends to kiss Dean. Dean loves the softness of it, loves how warm Cas is in his hands. Cas breaks the kiss like it regrets him to do it. “I’ll be right back.”

Dean thinks about wrapping his hand around his cock — he’s been so hard for so long he might even be able to come before Cas comes back — but in the end he just rubs his hand up and down his stomach, smearing pre-come but not actually touching his dick.

When Cas comes back, of course it’s with his bong in his hand. “Would you like to share?”

“Yeah,” Dean says. He sits up and takes the pipe and lighter out of Cas’s hand and hits while Cas climbs back into bed next to him. They smoke shoulder to shoulder, Dean’s arousal eventually simmering to a place where he’s only vaguely aware of the frustration.

After two bowls, Dean hazy and smiling, Cas kisses his forehead and says, “Lay down. I’m going to write a bit more.”

Dean nods. He needs to be close to Cas, but Cas is weird about being watched while writing. Laying down and nuzzling up against Cas’s hip with his eyes closed is a good compromise.

Cas turns off the light and Dean drifts, almost sleeping as Cas’s fingers tap away. Dean comes back towards consciousness every time Cas pauses to smoke or run his fingers through Dean’s hair, but then Cas starts typing again and Dean slips into sleep.

 

**Cas** : Not today, either.

 

 

**Cas:** You were very good last night, so perhaps tomorrow.

 

 

**Cas:** If you didn’t beg so pretty, I wouldn’t like denying you so much.

 

 

**Cas:** You can come after you’ve made me come 4 more times, however long that takes.


	34. A VALIANT FIRST EFFORT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Don’t you want it?”_
> 
> _Cas laughs. “Of course I want it, but not more than I want you to only do things you’re enthusiastic about.”_
> 
> _“I — I’m enthusiastic.”_
> 
> _“Then so am I.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) and [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) for looking this over for me
> 
> **this is a flashback**

The thing is, Cas’s dick is — well, it’s not  _ monster cocks _ porn huge, but it’s bigger than Dean’s, enough that maybe Dean would feel a little insecure if Cas weren’t always whispering into Dean’s ear how much he likes it. 

Cas is fucking amazing with his mouth in a way Dean didn’t even know he existed. Dean figures everyone else Cas sleeps with is probably pretty good, too, and Dean’s still nervous about embarrassing himself.

But Dean’s a little high — ok, a lot high — and nuzzling into Cas’s neck, mouthing across his collar bones, and he  _ wants _ . “Cas.” 

“Yes, darling?” 

“I want,” Dean says, then leans up to kiss Cas instead of finishing the sentence. Dean didn’t know kissing could be like this, either. 

“To fuck me again?” Cas says, smiling easily. 

“Later,” Dean says. 

Cas reaches up to touch Dean’s face but Dean turns towards the touch, parting his lips when Cas’s fingertips brush across them. “What do you want now?” 

Dean blushes and pulls Cas’s first two fingers into his mouth. He closes his eyes so he can’t see the way Cas’s gaze darkens as Cas pushes his fingers deeper, pressing down on Dean’s tongue. 

“Oh,” Cas says. He fucks into Dean’s mouth a few more times and then hooks his fingers on Dean’s bottom teeth and tugs him down to kiss again. “You don’t have to.”

“Don’t you want it?”

Cas laughs. “Of course I want it, but not more than I want you to only do things you’re enthusiastic about.”

“I — I’m enthusiastic.”

“Then so am I.”

Cas tilts his head back so Dean can kiss down his throat. “I’m going to be bad at it,” Dean says. “But I promise I’m a fast learner.” 

“Yes, you are,” Cas says, his hand sliding into Dean’s hair and tugging. 

Dean sucks lightly at Cas’s nipple and wraps his hand around Cas’s already-hardening cock. Cas hisses when Dean starts to squeeze and stroke, still kissing his way down Cas’s stomach. Dean knows he’s stalling a bit when he nuzzles into Cas’s belly. Cas is hard now, arching his back as Dean rubs his thumb over the wet tip of him.

Dean isn’t entirely sure what kind of words you’re supposed to use to describe someone’s dick, but he thinks Cas’s is kind of pretty, thick and flushed pink, heavy in Dean’s hand. Dean glances up and Cas is watching him intently. 

“Feel free to, you know,” Dean says. “Give me some tips.” 

“Sure,” Cas says. 

Dean looks down and tentatively licks from just a little bit under the head up to where Cas is leaking pre-come. Dean considers the taste for a moment and then licks again, long and with the flat of his tongue. 

“Mmm,” Cas says. “Not so bad?” 

“Not bad,” Dean says. He presses his thumb into the base of Cas’s cock and guides it so he can wrap his lips around it. 

The taste is stronger as Dean takes him a little deeper, and Cas gasps and says, “I’ve been dying to find out what your mouth would look like around my cock.” 

Dean blushes and pulls off so he’s sucking just the crown before taking him down again. He can’t get anywhere near where his hand is squeezing, but Dean is pretty sure Cas doesn’t care from the way he’s shifting like he wants to thrust up into it. 

“Fuck,” Cas murmurs as spit collects along the top of Dean’s hand. “There you go.” 

Dean hadn’t been entirely sure if he would like it, and maybe he’s not quite ready to admit that he  _ loves  _ it, but it is good. He likes the stretch of his lips when he takes more, he likes the bitter taste that lets him know it feels good for Cas, he likes the way it feels like giving himself over. 

“Jesus, that’s good,” Cas says, pulling a bit at Dean’s hair. “Just like that.” 

Dean sucks a little harder and tries to repeat whatever move he just made with his tongue that made Cas shiver. 

“Dean — I’m going to come.” 

Dean pulls off and strokes him, his touch slick with spit. Cas looks amazing, his mouth red and cheeks flushed, and even better when he comes, moaning and spurting over Dean’s hand and his own stomach. 

Dean licks his lips and brings his hand up to his mouth to suck a bit of come curiously from his thumb. Cas smiles breathlessly up at him. “That was a valiant first effort.” 

Dean wipes his hand clean on a stray t-shirt. “So I was horrible?” 

Cas pulls Dean down into a kiss. Dean didn’t even realize how hard he was until his dick presses into the hollow of Cas’s hip, slippery with Cas’s come, and he moans into Cas’s mouth. 

“No,” Cas says, reaching for Dean’s cock. “You were perfect.” 

Cas kisses him again while he strokes his cock. Cas’s tongue in Dean’s mouth is even better when Dean knows he’s tasting himself. 

It’s hard to keep kissing as Dean gets closer to coming, but he does his best, needing to touch Cas everywhere he can. Cas pulls away first, eyes bright and watching Dean’s face until Dean gasps and comes. 

Dean rolls over next to Cas and stares at the ceiling. After a minute Cas rolls over onto his side to press up against Dean’s arm, Dean’s elbow smearing through the mess on Cas’s stomach. Cas says, “You’re gorgeous.” 

Dean turns his head to see Cas’s face. Cas is gorgeous, too, ethereal and unreal, but Dean doesn’t know how to say it. Cas smiles like he knows anyway. 

“Still enthusiastic?” Cas asks.

Dean looks away from Cas’s eyes, but now he’s staring at his mouth, which isn’t much better. “Yeah, I think so,” Dean says. “I could use some more practice.” 

“It’ll be a big sacrifice for me, but I’ll let you practice on me if you really want to.” 

“You have to teach me all your tricks.” 

“Again, I’ll make that sacrifice.” 

Dean laughs and shoves at his shoulder. “Jackass.” 

“Mmhmm,” Cas says, pushing back against Dean and kissing the corner of his mouth. “We need to eat before we fuck again. What do you want?” 

“You won’t eat anything I would choose, so you pick.” 

Cas taps his finger against Dean’s mouth. “If I ordered you tofu and didn’t tell you, do you think you would even notice?” 

“Yeah, I would fucking notice.” 

Cas grins. “Opal’s has a pretty good veggie burger.” 

“Bacon cheeseburger. Sweet potato fries.” 

“I’ll buy in celebration of your first blowjob,” Cas says, rolling over to grab his phone. “Take a shower and I’ll order.” 

Dean kisses Cas before he gets out of bed. He showers quickly and then trades off with Cas so by the time the food arrives, they’re making out mostly dressed on the couch, and after Cas signs the receipt, they get distracted kissing again for long enough that the food is lukewarm by the time they start eating. It’s awesome, though, teasing and being teased by Cas, arguing about what to watch on Netflix, eventually ignoring it for Dean to fuck Cas on the floor, scraping their knees on the rug. 


	35. HERE HERE HERE (NOT HERE, IOWA)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I must’ve made you up.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [andromytta](http://andromytta.tumblr.com) for the beta

Cas climbs into bed just before sunrise and presses up against Dean’s back. Their bed is warm and Dean is warmer, all that beautiful skin for Cas to run his hands over, and Dean makes a soft noise of protest but then melts when Cas kisses the back of his neck.

“I need you,” Cas says.

“Mm?”

“Please, Dean,” Cas says into his hair.

Dean shifts and slides his fingers between Cas’s, both of their hands against Dean’s stomach, and Cas grinds up against Dean’s ass, smearing pre-come on his lower back.

“Good morning,” Dean mumbles, voice thick with sleep.

“Please,” Cas says again.

“Yeah,” Dean says, “whatever you want.”

Cas twists to grab the lube and slides his fingers between Dean’s cheeks to circle his hole. Dean’s awake enough to pull his leg up and hum happily as Cas presses into him, slowly with one finger and then with two, mouthing across Dean’s shoulder. “Are you real?” Cas says quietly.

“Pretty sure,” Dean says, muffled into the pillow.

“I must’ve made you up.” Cas slides in a third finger and Dean gasps softly. “You’re so good, I’m so in love with you.”

Dean reaches back and grabs Cas’s hip to pull him closer, and Cas says, “Can I fuck you?”

“Yeah, come on,” Dean says.

Cas covers his cock in lube and bites Dean’s shoulder to muffle a groan as he pushes into him. Dean is tight and hot and arches his hips to take Cas deeper and he’s the best Cas has ever had. Maybe Cas has been in love with him since the beginning and that’s why it’s so intense, every single time, no matter what they do.

“Cas,” Dean murmurs, putting his hand in Cas’s hair to hold him close.

Cas sits up on an elbow to get deeper, to kiss wetly down the side of Dean’s neck, just a grazing threat of teeth. “You feel so fucking good,” Cas says, and Dean whimpers.

Cas rolls his hips into Dean, slow and gentle, his face pressed into Dean’s neck where he can smell his own soap. He doesn’t know when Dean started doing it, but Cas loves it, just another way to claim him.

“Does it feel good?” Cas says.

“Yeah.”

Cas slides his hand down Dean’s stomach to wrap around his cock, hard and jumping into Cas’s touch. Cas fucks him a little harder and bites down on a bruise he left the night before on the top of Dean’s shoulder. Dean moans and twitches into Cas’s teeth. “I’m going to mark you up later,” Cas says. “Your ass looks so pretty with my bruises.”

“Jesus, Cas,” Dean gasps. “Gonna come in me?”

Cas’s hips jerk deeper into Dean. Dean says, “Yeah, yeah, fuck me.”

Cas shoves Dean over onto his stomach, jerks his legs open to fit between them, and slides his dick back in in one smooth move. Dean chokes on a moan and Cas says into his ear, “How hard do you want it?”

“Whatever — whatever you want to give me.”

Cas kisses the corner of Dean’s mouth and then puts his hand on Dean’s face, holding him down against the pillow so Cas can fuck him hard and fast. Cas presses Dean’s hand to the bed, too, squeezing his fingers hard enough to be white-knuckled.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dean says.

“Can you come like this?”

“Yeah, like — like that.”

Cas fucks him harder, fueled by the noises coming out of Dean’s mouth, and Dean moans out “ _Cas_ ” when he comes into the sheets.

Cas doesn’t let up but does take his hand away so he can nuzzle and kiss Dean’s cheek, but then it doesn’t feel right, like a crackle between worlds. Cas was sure they were both here when he first climbed into bed, even when he was holding Dean’s face into the pillows to fuck him, but now he’s not sure which one of them might be a ghost. He jerks back and tumbles out of bed. Dean turns over to look at him. “Cas?”

“Uh, just — a minute. I’ll be back.”

Cas runs the shower and gets in while the water is still freezing cold. It’s better — at least he can pretend the shaking is because of the temperature — but he’s still not sure he’s himself, or maybe it’s Dean who isn’t himself. One of them doesn’t belong here.

Cas doesn’t notice Dean coming into the bathroom and startles when Dean pushes back the shower curtain. “Warm that up so I can come in,” Dean says.

Cas turns the spigot all the way around. It takes a little bit for it to really warm up, and then Dean steps in, putting his hands on either side of Cas’s face and pulling him close. “Cas, what’s going on?”

“I just wasn’t sure for a minute,” Cas says. “About us.”

“You think I’m not in love with you?”

“No, I know,” Cas says, watching a drop of water slip down Dean’s chest, crossing bruises shaped like Cas’s mouth, wondering if figments can push your hair out of your face and then kiss your forehead, lips against skin for long moments. “You would have to be.”

“We’re ok,” Dean says, and Cas finally stops shaking.

“I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“I’m not.”

He decides he doesn’t care if Dean’s not real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> current riptides soundtrack: [ratatat's seventeen years](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwnCFJKR2Fo) (a song about mania imho)


	36. INTERLUDE #10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’ve been through this a hundred times with him. Frankly, I’m getting bored of the nutty professor routine.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) helped me with this one & [kreweofimp](http://kreweofimp.tumblr.com) extremely gently bullied me into posting it already (i am very easily convinced to do things)
> 
> **Warning** for references to suicidal ideation

**Dean:** I need to talk to you. I’m kind of freaking out about Cas   
**Dean:** This is dean

**Gabe:** Who? 

**Dean:** Cas’s boyfriend. We met a while ago

**Gabe:** Parmer Lane Tavern @ 8

 

Dean is two doubles in when Gabe sits on the stool next to him at the bar. “Dean Winchester,” Gabe says. 

“I thought you didn’t know my name.” 

“When I can get Cas to talk to me, all he talks about is you.” 

Dean takes the last gulp of his drink. “That right?” 

“Right-o.” Gabe waves down the bartender and orders a beer. “I gather this isn’t a social call.” 

“Not really. Cas is, uh — he’s not — something’s wrong.” 

“Something like drugs or something like crazy?” 

“He’s not doing drugs other than pot, and he’s not crazy.” 

Gabe raises an eyebrow. “What would you rather me call it?” 

“Is he going to be ok?” 

“Eventually, possibly,” Gabe says. “What’s he been like lately?” 

“I mean. He never sleeps and I have to make him eat and he just — I don’t know, sometimes he says things that are — just, nonsense.” 

“So completely bonkers.” 

“Don’t talk about him like that.” 

“What should I talk about him like? ‘Oh, Deanie, Cas is just having a hard time right now but everything is going to be ok,’ like he hasn’t lost his marbles? I’ve been through this a hundred times with him. Frankly, I’m getting bored of the nutty professor routine.” 

“You’re his  _ brother.  _ You’re supposed to care about him.” 

“Don’t misunderstand me,” Gabe says. “I love Cas, and I’d go to the ends of the earth for him if I thought it would help. But it won’t, so I just wait for him to fizzle out. Is he sleeping with a lot of people?” 

Dean’s eyes widen. “Did he tell you that?” 

“No. That’s just his usual MO. He was on an upswing when he met you.” 

“He wasn’t like this when we met,” Dean says. “The other day he told me his thoughts are like a ‘not-so-subtle knife.’ What the fuck does he mean when he says shit like that?” 

“Philip Pullman,” Gabe says. 

“Dude, I know I look like an idiot, but I’ve read books.” 

“Well, then your guess is as good as mine.” 

“Do you know if he, um. Has he been psychotic before?” 

Gabe gives Dean a long look and then starts on another beer. “You’ve been doing your homework.” 

“Yes or no.” 

“Maybe.” Dean narrows his eyes and Gabe says, “Obviously he’s not talking to you about this, so what makes you think he’s ever talked to me? I’m the one who comes in after the fact to clean up his messes.” 

 

Cas is laid out on the couch, smoking a joint and staring at the ceiling when Dean comes home. He looks over at Dean and smiles as he exhales. “Hello, handsome.” 

Dean hangs his jacket next to the door and pulls off his boots. “Have you ever been psychotic?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Psychotic. Have you?” 

“Why does it matter?” 

“Because I don’t know what the fuck this is, Cas. You’re not ok.” 

Cas holds the joint out towards Dean even though he’s still just inside the door. “Sweetheart,” Cas says softly. 

Dean frowns but takes it and inhales anyway. Before Cas, he’d smoked weed a little more than a handful of times, and now he gets high and makes out with Cas all night a couple times a week. 

“We have to talk about this,” Dean says, passing back the joint and sitting on the couch next to Cas. 

“Yes, I have been. Once. Well, a few times,” Cas says. “But you don’t have to be afraid of me.” 

“Jesus, I’m not afraid of you. I’m a scared  _ for _ you.” 

Cas sits up and leans in to kiss, but stops halfway there, looking down like he thinks there’s a chance in hell that Dean might not want it. Dean holds Cas’s face in his palm and kisses him gently. “I love you,” Dean says. “I need you to let me help you.” 

“Sometimes,” Cas says. “A lot of the time lately — there’s these scenes that I’m watching all day long of worst case scenarios. I watch you die over and over.” 

Dean stares at him, strokes his thumb over his cheek. 

“I see myself dying, too. I’m afraid if I — I can’t go out alone, I might just…” 

“Jesus Christ,” Dean says, pressing his forehead against Cas’s and taking a shuddering breath. 

“I don’t want to die, but I can’t stop seeing it.” Cas scoots closer and wraps his arms around Dean’s neck. “I know none of it is going to happen, but — sometimes it feels realer than anything else.” 

“Baby, I know you don’t want to live like this.” 

Cas shrugs. “Maybe it’s better than the alternative. I can’t write on meds.” 

“I’m not going to die.” 

“Neither am I.” 

“But you see it,” Dean says.

“All the time.” 

“Cas,” Dean says, helpless. “Is writing worth this?” 

Cas blinks. “It always has been in the past.” 

“Is it still worth it now?” 

“I’m… not sure. Maybe,” Cas says, frowning.

“I need you here,” Dean says. “With me.” 

“I’m trying. I really am,” Cas says. “I love you, too.” 

 

Dean wakes up at three a.m. and finds Cas in the kitchen scrubbing the stove with a toothbrush. He has earbuds in and doesn’t notice Dean staring at his back for a full minute before Dean goes back to bed alone.


	37. IT REMINDS HIM OF NOT LIVING UP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I don’t have problems,” Cas says. “I’m just never sure which level of the tower I’m on. Kiss me.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [captainhaterade](http://captainhaterade.tumblr.com) for the beta. i appreciate you!!!
> 
> +++thanks to [periazhad](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Periazhad/profile) for keeping an eye out for my continuity problems. (it's not a continuity problem if time isn't linear right?)

When Dean comes out of the shower, Cas has a handful of panties spread out on the bed. Cas gives Dean a smirk and heads to the bathroom, but Dean grabs him by the arm and kisses him, short and soft. “We’re going to Charlie’s tonight, remember?”

“I know,” Cas says. “Pick which ones you want to wear.”

Dean stares after Cas’s bare ass until he pulls the shower curtain closed behind him, then he turns to look at the panties again. Some of them Dean hasn’t even seen before, bright colors and soft fabric, and he touches each of them before deciding on a pale pink pair with lace panels around the sides. He hesitates before pulling them on. There’s not a mirror in the bedroom, but it’s probably for the best because just looking down at himself has him blushing.

Dean pulls on his jeans and then hurries to shove the panties back into the box they came out of before Cas gets out of the bathroom. Cas comes out naked and rubbing a towel through his hair, arms still goosebumped from his stupid cold shower.

Cas looks at the empty bed, the closed box, and says, “You decided not to wear them?”

“No, I did. I didn’t want you to know which ones.”

“Really,” Cas says, a smile flirting at the edges of his mouth.

“Yeah. A surprise for later.”

“You’re fantastic,” Cas says, “but I’m going to hit you anyway.”

Dean snorts. “Go for it, baby.”

Cas drops the towel and smacks Dean across the face. Dean grins and crowds Cas back into the wall to kiss him, slow and deep.

“We messed up again,” Cas says, smiling. “We didn’t fuck before we have to leave.”

“A grave mistake,” Dean says, bumping his nose against Cas’s.

“You’re really not going to tell me which ones?”

“I’ll give you a hint later.”

“You’re such a brat,” Cas says.

“Yeah, well. Get dressed, we gotta go.”

 

Charlie throws her arms around Cas for the same sort of bone-crushing hug she always gives Dean. If they weren’t Dean’s two favorite people in the world, he might be jealous — he’s not sure of who — but ultimately he’s unbearably happy to see them welcome each other with open arms, like they’ve all always been family.

Rowena is a hugger, too, but Dorothy is more of a firm handshake kind of woman. Charlie ushers everyone to the living room and presents them with margaritas.

“Really?” Dean says.

“Thanks, Char,” Cas says, smirking at Dean around a healthy sip. “Is this a smoke-friendly gathering?”

“That depends on what you have,” Row says.

Cas digs into the leather bag he carries everywhere, mostly just as a method of weed transport, and comes out with a handful of joints in a baggie. “Skywalker and RKU.”

“This is why you’re my favorite,” Charlie says, grinning and hugging Cas again.

“We’ve had Skywalker. Let’s try the other one,” Dorothy says.

“Excellent choice.” Cas hands a joint and lighter to Charlie. “Ladies first.”

Dean leans into Cas and whispers right up against Cas’s ear, “Do you want to know what color they are?”

Cas goes still and Dean sees his hand twitch towards Dean’s thigh.

Dean nuzzles close again and murmurs, “Which ones are you hoping for?”

“Share with the class,” Dorothy says, handing the joint to Dean.

Dean takes a long hit to try to distract from the fact that he’s blushing, and he catches Cas watching him with darkening eyes. Dean’s heart pounds a little as he wonders what Cas might be promising with that look.

It’s always fun to get Charlie and Dorothy high, but it’s even better with Row sandwiched in between them on the couch. “Hey, what do you call that?” Dean says, gesturing at them. “When, like, three people are together.”

“Thrupple,” Charlie says, giggling, at the same time that Dorothy and Cas says, “Triad.”

“We don’t say Charlie’s word in this house,” Row says, taking a delicate hit and passing to Dorothy.

Dean offers to get the next round of drinks and Cas follows him into the kitchen, Rowena and Charlie whistling and clapping behind him.

“Hey,” Dean says, reaching for Cas’s hips.

Cas kisses him, grabs his hair and pulls, says low and dark, “You think you’re funny? You want me to guess what _color_ they are?”

“Want to feel instead?”

Cas jerks Dean’s hair again. “I’m going to hurt you so much later. But yes.” He fumbles with the button on Dean’s jeans one-handed and unzips just enough to slide his hand inside.

Dean didn’t think he was actually turned on before, but with Cas’s hand cupping his dick, he realizes he could be there really fast.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Cas says. He slides his hand out of Dean’s pants and zips and buttons them without looking. “I have a guess on which ones you’re wearing, but how about you give me another hint?”

Dean blushes and says, “Pink.”

“Lovely,” Cas says. “The restroom is down the hall, right?”

Dean points. “Yup.”

“That’s not an invitation to follow me.”

“Is that reverse psychology or something?”

“No. Don’t follow me.”

Dean salutes and Cas gives him one of those dark looks. _I’m going to hurt you so much later._

Cas isn’t flushed at all when he rejoins Dean on the couch. After another couple rounds of drinks and several joints, Dean leans in and whispers. “There’s a bow on the front.”

Cas was in the middle of some story Dean has heard before and zoned out from, too focused on Cas’s fingers petting through the hair on the back of his head, but he trails off.

“A little stoned there, cowboy?” Row says.

Dean laughs. “ _I’m_ stoned. Cas is fine.”

Saying it, Dean suddenly realizes how high he is, how much he’s let himself sink into Cas, his hand on Cas’s upper thigh, rubbing his thumb against soft denim. This moment feels really good, but it would be better with one of Cas’s hot kisses in the mix.

Cas tells Dean all the time that he doesn’t like people, but he never seems to mind hanging out with Dean’s friends, so Dean is the one itching to get out of there long before Cas pulls out his phone for a Lyft.

“Love you,” Charlie says, standing up on her toes to kiss Dean on the cheek, and then Cas. “Text me so I know you didn’t get murdered by a serial killer posing as a Lyft driver.”

“They do background checks now,” Cas says.

“Very comforting,” Charlie says. She pats Cas’s cheek in what is almost a slap, and Dean can’t put his finger on why, but he really hates it. “Seriously. Text me or I’m calling the cops.”

“Relax, Charlene,” Dean says. “I’ll text you.”

In the car, Dean is intoxicated enough to not care much for politeness, so he scoots into the middle of the backseat and ignores when the car starts dinging about his unattached seatbelt. “Cas,” Dean says, nuzzling into Cas’s cheek and then kissing him deep and slow.

“Hello,” Cas says, smiling, when they break apart.

Dean grabs Cas’s hand and guides it to tuck just under his shirt at his hip. “Don’t you want to know?”

Cas slides his fingers under the waistband of Dean’s jeans, just enough to feel the fabric of the panties. “I know which ones. They’re my favorite.”

“I haven’t worn them before.”

“No, I was saving them.”

“For what?”

“Something special, I guess,” Cas says. “Though I suppose every day is special with you.”

Dean blushes and looks away. “You can’t say shit like that.”

“Why not?”

“I — I’m pretty, I know that, and you like to dress me up, but — I mean.” Dean thinks distantly that he must be pretty drunk to be saying this. “You’ll get bored of that eventually.”

Cas looks up to where the driver is trying very hard to pretend he’s not listening. “Can we talk about this when we get home?”

Dean goes back to the other seat and stares out the window the rest of the drive.

 

Both of their shoes off, Cas points towards the couch and Dean sits obediently.

“Did you really say that in the car? Sometimes I hear things and I’m not sure — did you say you think I’m going to get bored of you?”

Dean shrugs.

Cas sits down and looks at Dean intently. “You said it.”

“Yeah.”

“Clearly I’m not doing this right,” Cas says. “I don’t know how to deal with people and they usually don’t know how to deal with me, but I have to figure out what I need to do so you don’t ever feel like this.”

“It’s ok,” Dean says.

“No, it’s not. You’re certainly the most interesting person in my life. That’s not going to change. I’m the one who’s going to fuck this up, not you.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Surely you’ve noticed that I’m batshit.”

“Come on, Cas. Don’t say that.”

“ _Psychotic_ ,” Cas says, collapsing against the back of the couch and rubbing a hand over his face.

“I’m sorry,” Dean says, “for bringing out my bullshit like you don’t have enough problems already.”

“I don’t have problems,” Cas says. “I’m just never sure which level of the tower I’m on. Kiss me.”

Dean puts a hand on Cas’s face and kisses him, soft until Cas wraps his fingers in Dean’s hair and jerks. Cas says, “Remember when I said I was going to hurt you tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Shall we commence?”

“Jesus, you’re such a dork,” Dean says, rolling his eyes. “Ok, let’s commence.”

Cas pulls Dean’s shirt off and then says, “Pause. Did you text Charlie?”

“Seriously?” Dean pulls his phone out of his pocket and taps a quick message. “Happy now?”

Cas slaps him and says, “I can’t decide if you’re being punished or rewarded.”

“You’re going to bruise me up either way, so what’s the difference?”

“How you feel afterwards. Which, I suppose, is why you’re never actually being punished. I just want you to feel loved.”

Dean blushes and Cas reels him in for another kiss, then says, “Now let me see your panties.”

“Are you sure?” Dean says. “Don’t laugh.”

“Have I ever laughed at you?”

“I guess not.” Dean gets up and undoes his jeans, not meeting Cas’s gaze when he starts to push them down his thighs.

Cas reaches out and puts his hand on Dean’s hip. “Look at me.”

Dean looks up as he kicks his jeans off his ankles.

“Come here.”

Dean lets Cas guide him to straddle Cas’s thighs. Cas runs his hands slowly over Dean’s ass and then up his back, eyes taking him in inch by inch. Cas says, “You know I think you’re beautiful.”

Dean shrugs.

“You know I love you.”

Dean blushes and shrugs again.

“You know I bought these for you because I like to see you wear them.” Dean is silent and Cas says, “Do you not believe me?”

“I believe you.”

Cas wraps his hand around Dean’s throat without applying any pressure and kisses him. “I’m not always sure if my feelings are real or not, but you’re always the realest.”

“That’s the weirdest, sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” Dean says, smiling.

“We can just play nice tonight if you’d rather.”

“Is that ok?”

“Of course it’s ok. Anything you want.”

Dean leans down for a kiss, humming when Cas’s fingers wrap in his hair.

“I want to fuck you with my tongue,” Cas says. “If you’re amenable to that.”

Dean nods. “Yeah, ok, cool.”

“You have to get off me first.”

Dean lets Cas chase him down the hall, laughing, and inside the door Cas grabs him by the hip and pulls hard enough for Dean to stumble back into him. Cas kisses the soft spot behind his ear and says, “It’s not nice to taunt me.”

“It’s not really taunting if you can have whatever you want,” Dean says, and he bites his lip as Cas slides his hand under the panties to grip his cock.

“That’s a valid point,” Cas says, conversationally, like he’s not slowly jacking Dean off inside _pink panties_.

Cas leaves a soft kiss at the back of Dean’s neck and pulls back. He tosses a pillow into the middle of the bed and nods at it, and Dean climbs in, laying down with the pillow under his hips as Cas pulls off his shirt.

“Hmm,” Cas says, pausing as he’s unbuttoning his fly. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and points it at Dean. “Can I take a picture of you?”

Dean sighs and blushes and gestures for Cas to get on with it. Cas takes a few pictures before dropping his phone on the nightstand and saying, “Thank you.”

“Get over here.”

Cas pushes his jeans off and climbs into bed to kiss Dean, pinching one of his nipples hard enough to make him gasp. “Not nice enough?”

“No, it’s good,” Dean says, and tilts his head for another kiss.

Cas leaves Dean’s mouth to kiss down his neck, slowly with soft lips and soft bites, until Dean’s goosebumped and trembling under his skin. Cas teases the tip of his tongue around one of Dean’s nipples and then the other, then keeps kissing down his ribs, tracing his fingertips up and down Dean’s cock through the panties.

Cas kisses under Dean’s belly button and says, “Take them off.”

Dean lifts his hips and pushes the panties off, watching Cas watch him, Cas’s hair a mess from Dean’s hands. Dean tosses them towards the hamper and Cas says, “Those are definitely keepers. I’ll buy ten more pairs so you can wear them every day.”

“I’m not going to—” Dean starts, then cuts off as Cas takes the head of his cock in his mouth, sucking gently, just a tease. “Ok, yeah, every day.”

Cas looks up to meet Dean’s gaze with smiling eyes, starts to kiss down the underside of Dean’s cock, tongue and lips languid and wet and hot. He keeps heading downwards to tongue and suck at Dean’s balls. It’s not really Dean’s favorite thing, except anything is Dean’s favorite thing when Cas is doing it to him.

Dean gets a hand in Cas’s hair and runs his fingers through it. Maybe the whole point of Cas doing not-Dean’s-favorite-thing is to tease him into desperation for what comes next, because Cas spends a long time mouthing at Dean’s balls, kissing the crease of his groin, sucking quickly-fading pink marks on the inside of Dean’s thighs.

“Cas, please,” Dean says.

Cas smiles up at him and slides his hands up to squeeze Dean’s hips. “Did you want something?”

“You know what I want.”

Cas tilts his head and frowns like he has no idea what Dean’s talking about. “No, I do not. Please specify.”

“I want you to fuck me with your tongue like you said you would.”

“Did I say that? That doesn’t seem like me,” Cas says, grinning, and pulls one of Dean’s legs to drape over his shoulder. He nuzzles and licks the space just behind Dean’s balls, waits until Dean makes a little noise and whispers “please” before moving and, just barely touching, circling the tip of his tongue around the edge of Dean’s hole.

Dean pulls a bit on Cas’s hair reflexively and Cas laughs softly, circles his tongue again with just a little more pressure. Dean loves — hates — when Cas is like this, testing out different ways to touch him like he’s cataloguing the best ways to make Dean loud and breathless.

Cas reaches up to pinch one of Dean’s nipples the first time he gives a real lick with the flat of his tongue and Dean whines, arching into his touch, and then Cas goes back to teasing, rolling Dean’s nipple between his fingers, sucking his balls until they’re wet with spit. Dean squirms and whimpers and curses and says his name — _Oh, fuck, Cas_ — until Cas licks his hole again, hands sliding back down to hold Dean open.

“Cas, I need — I want —”

Cas closes his mouth around Dean’s hole, kisses and then sucks and then pushes his tongue inside when Dean opens for him. Dean’s thighs tense and Cas hums in that happy way he does when he’s making Dean crazy, sucks and licks and kisses and grazes his teeth over Dean until he’s jerking at Cas’s hair with every movement of his mouth.

“Keep doing that and I’m going to tie you up,” Cas says, sitting up to suck just under the head of Dean’s cock.

“Whatever, do it.”

Cas grins up at him and licks precome away from his cock and then his belly. “Do you want to fuck me? Or I’ll ride you.”

Dean blinks at him, kind of dumbly, and Cas’s smile goes a little softer. “No,” Dean says. “I want you to — I need you.”

Cas pulls out the lube and works Dean’s nipples over with his mouth until he’s got three fingers in Dean, letting Dean ride down against his touch with his head thrown back. Cas slicks up his cock and pushes into Dean slowly, face pressed into Dean’s chest until his hips are flush with the back of Dean’s thighs.

Cas kisses up Dean’s chest and then his neck as he rolls his hips slowly. “I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you,” Cas says against the line of Dean’s jaw.

Dean turns his head to find Cas’s mouth for a kiss, long and hot, and Cas grinds deep into him and says against his mouth, “Good?”

“Yeah,” Dean says. “You?”

Cas smooths Dean’s hair out of his face, cups his jaw to tilt his head into another kiss. “Perfect.” And then, after wrapping his hand around Dean’s cock and stroking base to tip a few times: “I love you.”

“ _Cas,”_ Dean gasps, wrapping his arms around Cas, hands cupping the back of his shoulders to feel the flexing muscles of his back. “Me too, me too.”

“Tell me how to make you come.”

“Just — fuck, like that, yeah, and — I wanna feel you.”

“I know you do.” Cas nuzzles into his cheek, murmurs into his ear, “You love being full of my come. I love it, too.”

“Fuck,” Dean whispers, and Cas hums in agreement, stroking him a little tighter.

When Cas holds Dean down and hurts him and fucks him into the mattress, Dean’s orgasm comes hard and fast, jerking him under, lungs full of seawater, but like this it builds slowly and sweetly so he’s not even completely aware of how close he is until he’s coasting into it. He comes in endless pulses with his face buried in Cas’s neck, tasting the salt of his skin, Cas’s voice soft in his ear telling him how lovely he is.

Dean runs his fingers into Cas’s hair to hold him close, says, “Cas, come on, wanna feel you.”

Cas comes with a quiet moan into Dean’s hair, and Dean loves it, the way the last few thrusts are slicker and dirtier. Cas pulls out but stays close, kissing Dean’s cheeks, his forehead, the tip of his nose, his mouth.

“Turn over,” Cas says, and he helps Dean turn his sluggish body onto his stomach.

“You’re making a mess of the sheets,” Dean says, snuggling his face into a pillow.

“I’ll wash them.”

Cas runs his hands down Dean’s back, follows with his mouth kissing down Dean’s spine, spreads Dean’s cheeks. Dean can feel Cas’s eyes on him and would squirm under the scrutiny if he weren’t so sated and sleepy.

Cas’s tongue is a surprise, not teasing, just a slow flat lick, and Dean flinches away in surprise. “Shh,” Cas says, and licks Dean again, pushing the tip of his tongue into Dean this time.

“What’re you doing,” Dean says, relaxing back into the bed. He’s not actually too concerned about the answer because it feels incredible — it's different after they've already fucked, the heat of it simmering low in his belly without urgency.

“You don’t like it?”

“No, just — mm, ok. I’ll shut up.”

Cas goes back to licking, tongue sliding down to clean the space behind Dean’s balls where come had started to leak out and then push gently in and out of him. It’s dirty in a way Dean doesn’t want to think too much about, so he just lets himself be lulled by the wet noises of Cas’s mouth. Dean’s drifting somewhere near dreams when Cas stops, but manages to wake up enough to turn towards Cas when he stretches out next to him.

Dean has never kissed Cas when Cas tastes like himself, sweet and sticky, and Cas seems to like it, too, an arm around Dean to hold him tight. After the kiss Dean presses his forehead against Cas’s, eyes still closed and smiling a little.

“Dean,” Cas says.

“Mmhmm?”

“Who told you you’re not smart?”

“What?” Dean says, suddenly awake and pulling back to look at Cas’s eyes, bright like lapis lazuli.

“Someone taught you that you’re not smart. I’m pretty angry with them about it.”

“Stop, Cas.”

“No. Was it your father? Did Sam say that to you?”

“Cas, come on. I’m not smart like you and Sam.”

“So you think I’m smart?”

“Well, yeah. Obviously.”

“And you respect me.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Do you think I’m a liar?”

“What? No!”

“Do you think I’m just humoring you?”

“I don’t know, Cas. I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want you to see what I see.” Dean looks away but Cas leans close, kissing the corner of his mouth. “I want you to know what you’re worth.”

“Not much of anything,” Dean says, trying to laugh it off.

“Look at me.”

Dean’s not sure what he’s afraid to find when he looks at Cas, but it takes a moment to find the courage to do it.

“You, Dean Winchester,” Cas says, “are a good man. A kind and gentle man. An intelligent, funny, gorgeous man that I hope — I hope you’re in my life for a long time. Please don’t sabotage that because you’re doubting yourself. I never doubt you, not ever.”

Dean just stares at him in silence.

“You don’t have to respond to that. I just want you to know that _I_ know how smart and wonderful and worthwhile you are.”

“Ok,” Dean says, and lets Cas draw him closer again, nuzzling his face into Dean’s hair.

Dean lays awake for too long, but he’s mostly asleep when Cas says, “I love you.” Dean mumbles an agreement and Cas continues, “But you didn’t see the size of the blizzard that birthed me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t laugh.  
> You didn’t see the size of the blizzard that birthed him.  
> Fits of snow.  
> Cotton rocks.  
> Whipped white bullet stretches  
> pinned with chips of teeth  
> to his habit of crying for help.  
> He doesn’t land well. Hates landing.  
> It reminds him of not living up.
> 
> Listen, I know there were days you wanted to die
> 
> When the sky was so clear you'd stand  
> obnoxious beneath it  
> begging stars to shoot you  
> just so you'd feel at home.
> 
> from [buddy wakefield's "healing hermann hesse"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3fmh_egvcc)


	38. WIDE VARIETY OF WAYS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“If you can’t handle it, tell me now, because you’re going to be in a lot of trouble if we get started and you don’t behave.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) was kind enough to share their thoughts about this one :)

Cas hasn’t really spoken to Dean in days. Dean sleeps in his bed and leaves food on Cas’s desk, and sometimes Cas eats it before it gets cold, and Cas accepts Dean’s kisses when he comes and goes, but Cas is ignoring text messages and doesn’t sleep and Dean thinks he must be doing more drugs than usual, and Dean’s lonely. Not like he was before Cas, but in a way he hasn’t been _since_ Cas.

Tonight, Cas has actually come out from his haze of smoke and words to try to make dinner, and Dean is mostly just annoying him by pressing up against his back and kissing his neck when someone starts pounding on the front door. Dean breaks away from Cas to answer, and there’s a little woman with big boots with her hand raised to knock again.

“Well, hello, stud,” she says, raising an eyebrow. “Is Castiel here?”

“Tell her I don’t live here anymore!” Cas yells from the kitchen.

“There he is,” she says, and she pushes past Dean and marches into the apartment. Dean follows, not entirely sure how to react.

In the kitchen, she puts her hands on her hips and glares daggers at Cas in a way that makes Dean think, _Hell hath no fury_. “You fucking asshole,” she says. “You don’t call, you don’t write. By which I mean you ignore my fucking calls and texts and emails so I have to drive the fuck down from Tulsa to make sure you haven’t hung yourself in your closet.”

“I’ve been busy.” Cas shrugs and glances at Dean. “This is Meg.”

Meg turns to sweep her eyes down Dean’s body. “Ok, I can admit that’s _almost_ a good excuse. What’s your name, handsome?”

“Dean.”

“Any interest in naked playtime tonight?”

“No,” Cas says. “We are not interested.”

“You used to be fun.”

“I used to like you more.”

“Is there food?”

“It’s a weird vegetarian thing,” Dean says.

“I didn’t expect any less,” Meg says. She peeks into the pan on the stove, a hand on Cas’s lower back like it belongs there. “That looks edible.”

“Dean is actually a good cook,” Cas says, flashing Dean a smile.

Meg looks between the two of them. “He’s cooking for you a lot?”

“Sometimes,” Cas says. “Excuse us for a minute.”

Cas grabs Dean’s arm and pulls Dean down the hall and says, “Dean.”

“What’s up?”

Cas kisses him, gentle and staying close even when the kiss ends. “She was my best friend until I met you, and we used to fuck around in college, but I haven’t been interested in a long time. She’s a little intense for me.”

“Too intense for _you_?” Dean says. “I don’t even know what that might mean.”

“It means I want you, not her,” Cas says. “But I’m sure she’ll be staying on the couch tonight.”

“She doesn’t know about me.”

“I literally haven’t interacted with her for months. I’ve had other things on my mind, such as getting my hot boyfriend naked as often as possible.”

Dean accepts another kiss. Back in the kitchen, Meg is stirring the sauce on the stove. “You two are lucky there’s a woman around to take care of you,” she says.

“In case you weren’t aware,” Cas says, “Dean is my boyfriend.”

Meg looks up in surprise, the wooden spoon dripping on the floor. “Boyfriend,” she repeats.

“Boyfriend,” Dean says.

“I always thought Cas was aro,” Meg says.

“Cas was what?”

“Aromantic. Doesn’t experience romantic attraction.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “I’m attracted to Dean in a wide variety of ways, including romantically.”

“Interesting.” Meg looks Dean up and down again, a little different than before. “Let’s smoke before dinner.”

Cas leaves Dean with the food to pack a bowl, and they go through two of them together before dinner, and then after food, Cas pulls out special wax-wrapped joints he brought back from California and it doesn’t take much before Cas is much, much higher than Dean really ever sees him. Dean only took a hit from the first joint and is flying, plastered against Cas’s side like he always is when he’s stoned, kissing his neck in a way that isn’t quite innocent enough for polite company.

Cas is relaxed into Dean, too, an arm around him with his hand tucked under Dean’s shirts. His eyes are heavy and his smile is lazy and something about the clench of his fingers at Dean’s hip reminds him how much Cas likes to touch and be touched like this, everything slowed down and scattering sparks on their skin.

Dean wants to pay attention to Meg and Cas’s stories about their college days at Oral Roberts, the little house they shared with art students, a lot of drugs, a lot of sex — Dean didn’t even know that Cas went to school, much less a private religious college, though Dean isn’t surprised to know that Cas dropped out and wrote books between drugged sunrises and orgies instead — but Dean can’t really focus, forgetting the beginning of a sentence by the time Cas or Meg says the end of it.

There’s a lull after the last joint, and Dean slides his hand under Cas’s shirt to touch the hard ridges of his stomach.

“I better get him to bed,” Cas says.

“I can’t believe you’re dating someone who’s such a lightweight,” Meg says.

“At least he doesn’t smoke all my weed, unlike someone else I used to live with.”

Cas stands and pulls Dean to his feet. “G’night,” Dean says, then shuffles down the hall with Cas following.

They do their bedtime routine and Cas helps pull Dean’s clothes off and then Cas nods to the bed and says, “On your stomach.”

Dean crawls into bed and snuggles happily into the pillows while Cas undresses and turns off the lamp. The bed dips down when Cas gets in, and then he’s on Dean’s back, pressing him down into the mattress down their whole bodies.

“I have a challenge for you,” Cas says into his ear.

“What’s that?”

“I’m going to fuck you so good, and you’re going to stay quiet so Meg doesn’t know.” Cas kisses the back of Dean’s neck, nuzzles into his hair. “If you can’t handle it, tell me now, because you’re going to be in a lot of trouble if we get started and you don’t behave.”

Dean shivers. Something about the tone of Cas’s voice gets to him, has his dick perking up underneath him. “I can handle it.”

“Are you sure, or are you just saying that because you want my cock badly enough to test me?”

When Cas says things like that, Dean is still sometimes surprised to find that it’s true and even more surprised that he’s not trying to fight the idea. Even for awhile after he was already addicted to Cas, he spent a lot of time insisting to himself that he wasn’t, that this wasn’t any different than his hook-ups with women. But no woman has ever made him desperate for touch like Cas does. Women have never made him feel out of his own control.

That’s why he says, “I’m sure” despite not being sure at all.

“Good boy,” Cas says, then lays at Dean’s side, one of his legs thrown over Dean’s thigh. He reaches for the lube and slicks up his fingers. “Spread your legs.” Dean adjusts obediently and loves the way Cas hums in satisfaction when Dean does what he asks.

On a normal night, it wouldn’t take long of Cas just rubbing his fingertip around Dean’s hole, and then easing into him torturously slow, before Dean starts getting frustrated, but when he’s this high, Dean is just along for the ride, gasping softly when Cas finally gets a finger all the way into him but not begging when Cas pulls out just circle him again.

The second finger is just as slow. Dean does pull one of his knees further up to give Cas better access, but he’s happy to let Cas have whatever he wants, at whatever pace he wants it.

The third finger goes in easily and Dean does whimper at the _good_ ness of it but then falls silent. “Good boy,” Cas says again, quietly. “Are you ready?”

Dean nods and listens to Cas stroke himself wet and sighs when Cas starts to push into him. Cas sinks all the way in, pinning Dean to the bed with his hips, and Dean doesn’t think he’ll ever be over the way it feels to have Cas inside him. “Look at that,” Cas says. “You take it so well.”

Dean cants his hips to get Cas the tiniest bit deeper, and Cas slides his hand into Dean’s hair to hold him down while he pulls out, molasses-slow, and then slams back in hard enough for Dean to grunt softly.

Cas pauses deep inside him. “Do you have something to say?”

“Sorry,” Dean says. “I’ll be quiet.”

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to bite through his lip in an attempt to stifle his noises while Cas fucks him as hard as he can without the sound of skin-on-skin being loud enough to alert Meg. And then Cas adjusts the angle of his thrusts, and he must know that it’ll make Dean moan, though Dean does manage to mostly hold it in. Cas stills again. “Clearly this isn’t working.”

Dean blushes and reaches backwards to tug on Cas’s thigh. “I’ll be quiet.”

“If you can’t be quiet now, you won’t be quiet when you come,” Cas says, pulling out. “Which means I’m not going to let you come. Turn over.”

Dean rolls over onto his back. His cock is hard and leaking obscenely and his lips are swollen from biting at them. Cas straddles Dean’s shoulders and Dean opens his mouth before Cas can even guide his dick towards it.

“There you go, sweetheart,” Cas says, sliding in deep at the first thrust.

Dean likes the taste of Cas, the way his cock tastes just like his skin everywhere else does except darker, likes the absurd sweetness of his come, but one thing that he definitely does not like is the rubbing-alcohol taste of lube masking it. He still manages to stay still and relaxed, determined to let Cas take what he wants, and it must work because Cas whispers, “Good boy” before he starts fucking Dean’s throat.

Usually this makes Dean moan and whimper, too, Cas _having_ him, but he manages to stay silent, nothing but Cas’s harsh breaths in the bedroom, Cas’s profile lit by the ambient light outside the window.

“Keep your eyes on me,” Cas says, and pinches Dean’s nose shut while he thrusts deep.

Dean can grab a quick breath through his mouth every few quick strokes, but mostly he’s limp and airless in Cas’s hold, all the way up to when Cas comes on the back of his tongue.

Cas pulls out slowly, trailing come over Dean’s lips, but kisses him as soon as they are laying next to each other. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Dean says, hoarse.

Cas kisses him again and then shuffles them around until he can pull the blankets over them.

“You’re seriously not letting me come?” Dean says when Cas’s heart and breathing start to slow.

“No, I am not.”

Dean closes his eyes, head turned towards Cas close enough to feel exhales against his cheek. After a few minutes, Dean says, “Lube is really gross, you know.”

Cas laughs softly and presses a kiss to Dean’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“I get that this was necessary but let’s, like, avoid that in the future if at all possible.”

“That was necessary, was it?”

“Well, yeah, I mean — I didn’t do what you said.”

“You try so hard for me,” Cas says, kissing his forehead this time. “I love you.”

“Me too,” Dean says, turning to nestle underneath Cas’s chin.

Cas is, miraculously, still in bed when Dean wakes up not long after sunrise, snoring softly, but as soon as Meg is gone, he’s back to splitting time between smoking cigarettes on the patio and hunched over his computer, frowning.


	39. INTERLUDE #11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I just need a minute. A few days.”_
> 
> _“A few days,” Dean repeats. “Without me. Is that what you’re saying?”_
> 
> _Cas puts his head in his hands, a shudder running through him like a sob. “Yes.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [kreweofimp](http://kreweofimp.tumblr.com) and [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) were both kind enough to look at this for me, and a hug for sweetheart [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) for talking through some stuff with me. 
> 
> as for you, dear reader, if reading something upsetting first thing in the morning is going to ruin your day, maybe hold off until your day is done. looking at you, anupalya. :)
> 
> **Content note:** References to suicidal ideation

Dean’s shuffling around in the kitchen making coffee in nothing but jeans and bare feet, singing that song Cas has been listening to on repeat softly —  _ lady, running down to the riptide, taken away to the darkside  _ — and itching to get his hands back on Cas, though he knows it’s best to let him sleep when he can. 

He turns as soon as he hears Cas come in to the kitchen, smiling and swaying his hips, reaching for Cas, but Cas goes still, staring at Dean’s chest. 

“Hey,” Dean says, nuzzling close to kiss his cheek. 

Faintly, Cas says, “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

“I love you, and I — I did that to you.” 

Dean looks down at himself, marks from Cas’s teeth on his chest and stomach and hip. “You should see what my ass looks like,” he says, grinning, but Cas recoils. 

“You need to go.” 

Dean blinks, hand raised halfway between them on the way to draw Cas back in. “What?” 

“I just need a minute. A few days.” 

“A few days,” Dean repeats. “Without me. Is that what you’re saying?” 

Cas puts his head in his hands, a shudder running through him like a sob. “Yes.” 

“Cas, what’s going on?” 

“You need to go,” Cas says again, lifting his head. His hands are still trembling but his eyes are dry and cold. 

“Cas —” 

Cas turns and disappears into the bathroom, the lock turning. Dean spends a few minutes trying to talk to him through the door, but Cas doesn’t respond. Eventually he starts the shower to drown Dean out and must be freezing by the time he comes out. 

In the bedroom, Cas stares blankly at Dean. “Why are you still here?” 

“I pretty much live here.” 

“Fine,” Cas says, grabbing a t-shirt — it’s Dean’s — off the floor. “Then I’ll go.” 

“Stop,” Dean says. “You don’t have anywhere to go.” 

Cas shrugs and pulls black jeans up his legs. 

“Jesus, ok, let me get dressed at least.” 

Cas smokes on the patio and doesn’t say anything when Dean tries to talk to him on the way out. 

 

It’s been days. Dean texts and tries to call but mostly lets himself be ignored, at least until the thought he’d been trying to hold off — the same thing Meg had thought, that maybe Cas was dead — has him back in Cas’s parking lot. Maybe Cas heard the Impala coming, because he’s shutting the curtains when Dean pulls into a parking spot. Alive, then. Dean dials Cas and Cas hits the fuck you button, so Dean goes back to his cramped apartment full of furniture from a consignment shop. 

 

Dean’s been drinking and spent the early hours of the morning puking and ready to die, but he’s sober when he starts blowing up Cas’s phone. He sends a text, too:  _ Answer or I’m coming over. _

On the fourth call Cas picks up. 

“You said you love me, right?” Dean says. “So stop doing whatever the fuck you’re doing and talk to me.” 

Cas is a little slow to say, “I’m not any good for you.” 

“Jesus, Cas, are you serious? Do you know what my fucking life was like before I met you?” 

Cas is silent. 

“All I did was drink. All the time, the way you used to do drugs. And I — my whole life, I didn’t know people were actually happy. My whole life, I’d never been anything but a disappointment. But I didn’t think I disappointed you.” 

Cas is still silent, but Dean can hear him breathing, a little shakily. 

“Can I come over? Please, Cas.” 

“You have a key.” 

“I know, but you told me to leave. Say I can come back.” 

“Fine.” 

Dean doesn’t try to hide his relieved sigh. “I’ll see you in a few.” 

 

Cas is a mess. Dean’s not sure exactly what the difference is, because Cas has been thin and racoon-eyed for months, but now he’s listless, an expression like deadlights on his face, and he doesn’t move from the couch when Dean lets himself in. 

Now that he’s here, Dean doesn’t know what to do. He wants to kiss Cas and pull him into his arms and hold him close, but he’s unsure if that would be welcome. 

“Hey,” Dean says instead. It sounds stupid to his own ears. 

“Hello,” Cas says, voice raspy. 

“Can I sit?” 

Cas shrugs. “Sure.” 

Dean sits next to him, but not too close. “I’ve missed you.” 

Cas looks away. 

“Is that it then?” Dean says, trying not to sound like he’s suddenly breaking apart at the seams, like he didn’t realize until it came out of his mouth that maybe this  _ is  _ it. “You’re done with me?” 

“Wouldn’t that be better?” 

“Jesus Christ,” Dean says, and despite his attempts otherwise, his voice wavers. “No, that would not be better.” 

Cas drops his head into his hands, shaking like the last time Dean saw him. 

“Cas,” Dean whispers. “Come on.” 

“Something is happening to me,” Cas says into his hands. “You can’t be here.” 

Dean scoots closer and wraps his arms around Cas’s shoulders, squeezing harder when Cas turns into the touch. Cas presses his face into Dean’s chest and shivers harder. Dean murmurs, “Hey, it’s ok, it’s ok. Talk to me, baby.” 

“I didn’t want you to be the one,” Cas says, “to find me. I don’t want that for you.” 

“What the fuck?” Dean says, jerking back to look at him. Cas won’t meet his eyes. “Holy fuck, are you serious?” 

Cas says nothing, shoulders rigid and bony under Dean’s hands. 

“Jesus, Cas, that’s not ok. I don’t know how to help you, but you can’t — tell me how to help you.” 

Cas doesn’t say anything for a long time, but Dean can see him thinking. “I don’t think it’s worth it anymore,” Cas says. “Writing.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You asked if writing was worth being like this,” Cas says. “And I think I know now that you’re more important.” 

Dean nods slowly. “Ok.” 

“I stopped taking meds when I was eighteen and said I never would again. But maybe.” Cas takes a slow breath. “I would try.” 

“Really?” 

“It might not work. I could be hopeless.” 

Dean holds him close again, kissing his forehead. “I know you’re not hopeless.” 


	40. HELL IS AN ICE RINK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Back when they first started, Dean liked to make Cas slow down, liked to savor him, liked to press his face into Cas’s neck to feel his heart pounding, liked to kiss the hard planes of Cas’s body, liked the way the thickness of his cock felt in his grip. He was always trying not to let on how in awe he was, the way touching Cas felt like a revelation._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) fixed my exhausted and/or drunken nonsense sentences, so she basically wrote this thing.

Cas sleeps a lot after the second dose, and he wakes up nauseous in a way that isn’t always helped by weed, and that far away blank look that scares Dean so much doesn’t leave his eyes, but he’s trying. 

The shrink says it could be more than a month before anything really changes. Dean tries to figure out how to ask Cas if he told her how bad things really are and still expect to get an answer, wondering if she could make something happen faster if she knew that Cas was worrying about who might find his body. 

Dean talks to Charlie a lot trying to decide what the fuck he’s supposed to do, but all they ever come up with is to keep loving Cas until he can’t.  “Do you want to leave him?” Charlie says. “That wouldn’t make you a bad person. You have to take care of yourself, too.” 

The idea spikes ice into Dean’s gut. “Hell no, that’s not what I want.” 

So Dean packs bowls to bring Cas in bed along with his morning coffee. He learns more vegetarian recipes. He wraps Cas up in his arms whenever he can and kisses him when it seems like he might want it, and he waits. 

Three weeks into the medication experiment, Dean wakes up on a Saturday and Cas isn’t in bed. Dean finds him in the kitchen with eggs and real bacon on the stove, and Cas smiles a little when he sees Dean. 

“What’s the occasion?” Dean says, wrapping his arms around Cas’s middle from behind and kissing his neck. “You never cook dead things.” 

“I’ve been useless lately,” Cas says. “You deserve better.” 

“Not useless. Just, you know. Sick. But I’m glad to see you today.” 

Cas turns in Dean’s arms and kisses him. “I’m glad to see you, too.” 

“Eggs are burning.” 

Cas rolls his eyes. “I guess only one of us thinks kissing is worth sacrificing some eggs.” 

“We can kiss all you want after breakfast. You’re too damn skinny as it is.” 

They haven’t had sex in weeks, by far the longest since they met, but Dean has just been waiting for that, too, doing his best not to pressure even when the feeling of Cas up against him every night is driving him insane. 

But on the couch after breakfast, Cas is giving him a look, not the dark  _ I want to devour you _ look but a quiet smile like he’s hoping Dean will touch him. 

“Come here,” Dean says, and instead of just leaning in, Cas swings a leg over Dean’s lap and presses him into the back of the couch with a hot kiss. 

“You’ve been very patient,” Cas says. “And I’ve missed you. I miss the way you make me feel.” 

“Yeah?” Dean says, hands on Cas’s hips just under his shirt. “What are you thinkin’ about?” 

“The way you fucked me the first time. If I wasn’t already in love with you, I was after that.” 

Dean laughs. “I doubt it. That was like the fifth time.” 

“You  _ do _ remember,” Cas says, smiling. “I already knew you were special by then.” 

“Is that what you want? Like that?” 

“If you wanted to give it to me.” 

“I wish you weren’t so goddamn heavy so I could carry you to bed.” 

Dean hasn’t heard Cas laugh in so long that it surprises him, the way Cas’s face changes when he’s joyful. “Yes, I apologize for my obesity. I guess I’ll have to walk.” 

Back when they first started, Dean liked to make Cas slow down, liked to savor him, liked to press his face into Cas’s neck to feel his heart pounding, liked to kiss the hard planes of Cas’s body, liked the way the thickness of his cock felt in his grip. He was always trying not to let on how in awe he was, the way touching Cas felt like a revelation. 

Cas would try to goad him into hard and fast — and Dean was frantic for him a lot of the time and so easily goaded — but Cas just relaxes into him now, kissing Dean the whole time Dean is fucking him with his fingers, slow and deep, arms tightening around Dean’s shoulders when Dean finally slides his cock into him.

Cas’s eyes flutter closed and he tilts his head back so Dean can kiss down his neck, rolling his hips just enough to make Cas gasp. “Like that?” Dean says into his skin.

“Yes,” Cas says, breath starting to speed up. 

“God, you feel good,” Dean says. “Let go, I want to touch you.” 

Cas loosens his hold, though he looks regretful about it, just enough for Dean to get a hand wrapped around Cas’s cock between them, and then he’s gasping into kisses and Dean has never loved someone so much in his life. 

“I love you,” Dean murmurs against his ear.

Cas trembles to hear it, and then finds Dean’s mouth for a kiss again, a hand running down to the small of Dean’s back just to hold him close. 

“Are you here with me?” Dean says. 

“Yes,” Cas says, but Dean could already tell from the look in his eyes. 

“Want me to come in you? Because we need to make a decision fast.” 

Cas laughs and hooks his ankles around Dean’s thighs. “Come on then, cowboy.” 

“That’s not sexy,” Dean says, like Cas has ever done something that made Dean less exhilarated to be near him. 

Cas is still laughing when Dean comes, but then he stops once Dean has Cas’s cock in his mouth. Dean doesn’t rush it, backing off to lick and suck Cas’s balls when he gets close to coming, until Cas’s hands clench rhythmically in Dean’s hair and his soft sounds take on the cadence of begging. 

Dean holds Cas down by the hips and gives him what he wants, swallowing the sticky-sweet when he comes, and Cas smiles when Dean collapses next to him. Dean says, “Did I live up to your fantasy?” 

“You’re always better than my fantasies.” 

Dean kisses the end of Cas’s nose and then his forehead. “Let’s smoke and nap, and then go out somewhere later.” 

“What kind of somewhere?” 

“I’ll think of something.” 

 

“What’s the dress code for this adventure?” 

“Put on your chucks, grab the weed. I’ll even let you smoke in the car.” 

“Hell is an ice rink right now,” Cas says, laughing.

“Everything I own smells like weed anyway, so what’s the difference?” 

Cas loops an arm around Dean’s neck and bumps their noses together. “You like it.” 

“Apparently. Hurry up, we’re on a schedule.” 

Cas watches curiously as Dean puts a small cooler in the backseat but doesn’t ask. Backing out of his parking spot, Dean says, “Plug your phone in.” 

Cas looks at him suspiciously. “Driver picks the music, I’ve been told.” 

“Driver is feeling generous.” 

Cas plugs in his phone, still watching Dean out of the corner of his eyes. “I’ll play something you like just in case.” 

Cas is a better singer, but Dean’s not embarrassed to sing along, grinning over at Cas as they wind through the hills. “Oh,” Cas says when they pass the sign for Mt. Bonnell. “That’s where we’re going?” 

“Is that ok?” 

“I’ve never been.” Cas takes off his seatbelt to scoot close enough to kiss Dean’s cheek. “Did we just turn into the kind of disgustingly cute couple who has sunset picnics?” 

“Are you complaining?” 

“No, I’m excited. What’s for dinner?” 

“I guess you’re about to find out.” 

Dean is relieved that there aren’t too many cars parked along the side of the road, and Cas offers to carry the cooler up the stairs but Dean shrugs him off. “Let me walk behind you at least,” Cas says, and Dean rolls his eyes but obliges. 

At the top, Cas grabs Dean’s hand and drags him over to the rock wall separating them from certain death over the rocks and into the river below. “Oh, cool,” Dean says. When he looks over, Cas is watching him instead of the landscape. “What?” 

“I dreamed of you once. Before we met.” 

“You dream about me a lot?” Dean says, grinning, but Cas just nods very seriously before pulling him in for a kiss. 

They’re not alone, but Dean forgets about the rest of the world when Cas kisses him — always has — so he just lets Cas have him for as long as he wants. “It’s beautiful,” Cas says, like he’s not talking about the view at all. 

“We should eat before the sun starts going down.” 

They sit on the wall with legs dangling over the edge, passing some kind of black bean salad and beer between them. “You like it?” Dean says. “I got this at Whole Foods but I think I can make it better.” 

“You’re very good to me, do you know that?” 

Dean ducks his head and blushes. “I try.” 

Cas bumps his shoulder against Dean’s. “Want to smoke with me?” 

Dean nods and puts his beer to the side so he can cup his hands around Cas’s lighter. Cas breathes the first hit into Dean’s mouth and before long they’re nestled against each other, watching the sky turn pink. Just before the sun disappears over the horizon, they share a second joint with another couple sitting nearby and then, as usual, Dean gets touchy, suddenly attached to Cas’s neck where he can nuzzle and kiss and murmur. 

After full dark, when everyone else has already gone back down the hill, Dean kisses Cas and they make out lazily for a long time. “Thank you for coming out with me,” Dean says. 

“Thank you for inviting me.” 

Dean can see Cas’s smile in the light from the houses below, and for the second time in one day, he thinks that he’s never loved someone more than this before. 

 

At home, Cas shoves Dean face-first into bed and fucks him slow and deep, both of them mostly giggling the whole time. 

Cas smiles a lot on Sunday, too, and then in the days afterwards, and Dean stops worrying how present Cas actually is every time they’re together.

Dean learned to look gift horses in the mouth as a kid, but he doesn’t now. It doesn’t matter how undeserving he feels — he’s going to memorize and treasure every moment he has with Cas for as long as it lasts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the [viewing area](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Ysgur9G4YRg/maxresdefault.jpg) and [sunset view from mt bonnell](https://drscdn.500px.org/photo/23876707/q%3D80_m%3D2000/v2?webp=true&sig=b2966676f8538cc2bbfd38482718e0ff8e3495e610b81887e207b2627f3cd3c9)


	41. AN ACCIDENT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _**Cas:** I’ll text you when I leave here, and you should be ready for me to fuck you when I get home._   
>  _**Cas:** If that was unclear: finger yourself, but don’t come. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to [kreweofimp](http://kreweofimp.tumblr.com) ;) and thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) for fixing my bullshit again.

Things seem clearer now. Not the kind of clarity that comes from  _ I’m the greatest writer alive  _ grandiosity, but a regular clear, like teal water in the Caribbean. The kind of clear where Cas wakes up with Dean next to him in bed every morning and has never felt more grateful to be alive. 

Dean is out with Charlie seeing some superhero movie Cas couldn’t even pretend to be interested in, so Cas finally gives in to meeting Gabe for dinner and drinks. 

“You look better than I expected,” Gabe says as a greeting. 

Gabe is the most tolerable of any of Cas’s family members, but it takes several stiff drinks for each of them for Cas to actually like him. The veggie burger at this pub is almost inedible, but the drinks are cheap, and Gabe orders a couple Long Islands. He must have pre-tipped the bartender, because she’s over-pouring like she’s never loved another pair of customers more. 

“Our mother’s still alive, if you were wondering.” 

“She’ll outlive us all,” Cas says. His phone buzzes and he looks down at it, suddenly completely uninterested in Gabe’s conversation when he sees Dean’s name. 

**Dean:** Row is sick so Charlie cancelled, I’m home now

And then a second message, a picture of Dean from bare shoulders up, smiling shyly from under his eyelashes. Cas is never sure whether Dean knows exactly the way he affects Cas or if he’s just being himself, unintentionally irresistible. 

“You’re still playing house with that guy, then,” Gabe says.

“His name is Dean,” Cas says. 

Gabe gives him a squinting truth stare. “So what’s up with that?” 

“What’s up with what?” Cas says, only half-listening as he types. 

**Cas:** I’ll text you when I leave here, and you should be ready for me to fuck you when I get home.   
**Cas:** If that was unclear: finger yourself, but don’t come. 

“You had a pretty good thing with Meg but you were never like this,” Gabe says. 

“Meg is, largely, a horrible person. Dean is a good one.” 

“Another drink?” 

“I have other obligations to attend to.” 

 

“It was an accident,” Dean says as soon as Cas walks in the apartment. 

Cas didn’t request it, but Dean’s on the couch in nothing but black lace panties — one from the newest set Cas ordered — with streaks of come on his stomach. Cas stares at him in silence, then turns away to hang up his keys and get out of his shoes. When Cas looks back, Dean is biting his lip. 

Cas stalks up to him and grabs his chin. “Do you remem—” 

“Yeah.” 

Cas figured out pretty early in his sexual awakening that he likes to hit people, but he never liked it the way he likes it with Dean. Meg was fun and Cas liked giving her bruises — liked the way she screamed and came from the barest touch to her clit after a good beating — but she never looked at him the way Dean does, full of trust and adoration. Dean looks at Cas like he didn’t know he could feel like this in his body, like he’s never wanted anything more than Cas’s handprint on his face. 

Cas has hit people harder, but not by much. Dean’s head snaps to the side and he shudders. “What did I tell you?” 

Dean licks his lips and stares up at Cas with bright eyes. “Not to come. I didn’t mean to. It just kinda — happened.” 

“First of all,” Cas says, “you’re not coming for the next week without my express permission. No jerking off in the shower. You know I’ll know if you do.” 

Dean nods. His eyes are wide but Cas can see a smile touching the corner of his mouth, like he’s excited to find out what happens next. Cas hits him again, watches his face pink up. He’s shockingly beautiful, just like always. 

Cas sits next to Dean on the couch and Dean just watches him, silent and waiting. Cas grabs Dean’s arms and jerks him. “Face down over my lap.” 

“Seriously?” Dean says, but he complies. 

Dean’s ass looks particularly amazing in these panties, the black lace riding a little high to show him off, and Cas regrets pulling them down to Dean’s thighs. Dean whimpers when Cas pulls his cheeks apart, gasps when Cas pushes just the tips of two fingers into him. “At least you did one thing right.” 

“Cas,” Dean whispers, and Cas slides both fingers into him all the way, loving the way he gasps again. 

“Is that what you want? Was fingering yourself not good enough for you?” 

“Not as good as you,” Dean says. 

Cas grabs him by the hair and jerks his head back. “Don’t speak unless I tell you to, unless you need to use your safeword.” 

Dean can’t nod but he doesn’t say anything, which is enough of an acknowledgement. Cas lets go of his hair and runs a hand down his spine, the other fucking Dean slow and taunting with his fingers, until Dean arches his back to try to get Cas deeper.

“Don’t be greedy,” Cas says, pulling his fingers out and smacking Dean’s ass just hard enough to jiggle. Dean swallows but is silent. “Good boy. I appreciate your efforts, but you can make noise if you need to.” Cas spanks him again, a little harder. “You’ll need to.” 

Dean is quiet for a lot longer than Cas expects after he starts putting his arm into the hits. At first Dean flinches every time Cas hits him, but then he relaxes into it, and then he starts making noise like he can’t control himself from doing it anymore, face pressed into the crook of his elbow to muffle himself. 

“Shh,” Cas says, squeezing Dean’s ass, already hot and red. “You take punishment very well.” 

Cas’s hand is raised to spank again when Dean lets out a little choked whimper. Cas says, “Are you ok? Answer me.” 

Dean picks his head up and says, “Yeah, I’m ok.” 

There are three freckles in a triangle on one of Dean’s ass cheeks, and Cas runs his fingertip from one to the other. Isosceles. “Do you like it? You can answer.” 

“It’s good,” Dean says, shivering when Cas walks his fingers up his back. 

“Do you want me to keep spanking you or fuck you?” 

Dean presses his face back into his arm and says nothing. 

“Hmm,” Cas says, running his fingers through Dean’s hair. “You’re being a very good boy now. Why couldn’t you be earlier? I was looking forward to being good to  _ you  _ tonight, and now…” 

Dean pulls his head up, cranes to look over his shoulder, eyes wide again but no smile. 

“No, no, no,” Cas says, bending to kiss Dean’s cheek. “You’re perfect. It’s just a game.”

Dean closes his eyes and lays his head on his arms again, turned to the side so Cas can see his profile, the way he starts to smile when Cas says, “Tell me what you want, please.” 

“Fuck me,” Dean says.

Dean left the lube on the coffee table, and before long Cas has two fingers in him, murmuring about how lovely and good he is until Dean is trembling in his lap.

“I like the panties very much, but I think they need to go,” Cas says, and Dean lifts his hips obediently so Cas can pull the panties down and off his legs. “Get up please.” 

Dean is still shaky so Cas keeps hands on him to support and guide him to lean him over the back of the couch. Dean is straining hard and there’s precome darkening Cas’s jeans. Cas allows himself a smug smile, but only because Dean can’t see him do it. 

“You _ are _ perfect,” Cas says, a hand flat on Dean’s lower back while he unbuttons his own jeans. He stops touching Dean just long enough to stroke lube onto his cock, and then he runs his hand up Dean’s back and into his hair, just rubbing the head of his dick against Dean’s hole. “Is that what you want? You can talk now.” 

“Please,” Dean says, and then whispers “oh, fuck” when Cas slides into him. 

“I love how much you like being fucked,” Cas says, thrusting slow and shallow and watching Dean’s knuckles go white gripping the back of the couch. 

Cas is distinctly aware of how Dean’s ass must feel, burning red and the cool buttons of Cas’s jeans pressing into his skin as Cas fucks him. “This is exactly what I wanted,” Cas says. “To put you over the back of the couch and have you.” Dean shivers. “You’re still not allowed to come, though.” 

“Cas, please.” 

Cas chuckles against the back of Dean’s neck and slams into him, hard enough to make Dean moan. “No.” Cas grins when Dean whimpers. “I can’t believe you’re ready to come again anyway.” 

Cas grabs Dean, one hand on his hip and the other on his shoulder to pull him back into his thrusts. Dean gasps and cries out without shame. It doesn’t happen often, but Cas can tell Dean is close to coming without his cock being touched. “You better tell me,” Cas says. 

“Shit, stop.” 

Cas pulls out and wraps a hand around his cock. He smacks Dean’s ass a few times — Dean yelps — and then comes all over the marks he left on him earlier.

“Don’t move,” Cas says. He wipes a hand on his jeans and digs out his phone.

“Don’t,” Dean says, the tips of his ears turning pink. 

Cas pauses. “Do you mean ‘don’t’ or are you just shy?” 

“I — um, I dunno.” 

Cas drops his phone and circles the couch to kiss Dean, soft, the first time since he got home. “I just wanted you to know how good you look covered in my come.” 

Dean looks up at him, still that trusting, awe-filled look, and Cas runs his thumb over Dean’s bottom lip. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Have you eaten?” 

“Nope.” 

“Ok. Shower, then dinner, then Ugly Delicious.” 

Dean stands slowly, wincing when a knee cracks. “You know, two of those things could be combined for maximum impact.” 

“I’m sorry, honey, I don’t have a waterproof case to netflix in the shower.” 

Dean rolls his eyes and says, “Are you coming with me?” 

“Of course.” 

In the shower, Cas presses Dean into the wall and kisses him for a long time. “You were very bad at the beginning of the night, but then you were very good, so I think we’re even.” 

“Does that mean I can —” 

“No.” 

Dean groans dramatically but is smiling when he does it. “You’re an asshole. But I kinda like you.” 

“I have developed a vague liking to you as well.” 

Dean laughs, and Cas laughs, and then they shampoo and soap each other and make out long enough that Dean starts to complain about the water getting cold.

Cas puts together a sandwich for Dean that includes dead things and makes Dean clean up his own mess on the couch before they join David Chang. Dean settles into Cas’s embrace immediately and smiles when Cas kisses his temple. 

“Wait,” Dean says. “I didn’t think about — are you going to be upset when I have bruises?” 

Cas hadn’t thought about it, either, the sudden surging panic of realizing you’ve hurt someone you love. “There was a lot of other things happening in my head then. I’m not going to be upset as long as you’re happy about it.” 

“I’m happy about it,” Dean says before Cas can ask. “I — I missed this.” 

“I would never care about you any less because of what we do or don’t do in bed,” Cas says. “But yes, I’ve missed this, too.” 

Dean falls asleep on Cas’s shoulder after two episodes and grumbles a lot when Cas moves them to the bedroom, but he wiggles happily back against Cas’s chest and is back asleep almost instantly. 

Cas can’t exactly remember when he stopped sleeping, but it must’ve been before Dean pretty much moved in, because it’s still novel to press his face into Dean’s hair and drift into half-dreams with Dean’s heart beating underneath his hand. It’s novel to wake up in the middle of the night to Dean turning over under his arm, and then it’s novel to feel Dean’s warm breaths against his collarbone, and then it’s novel to wake up in the morning to Dean kissing his forehead and putting a mug of coffee and the bong on the nightstand. 

“I’m running late,” Dean says, “but I’ll text you when I get a break, ok?” 

  
**Dean:** It hurts to sit   
**Dean:** And I’m still happy about it 


	42. LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas clicks the wrong thing on Dean’s computer and suddenly he’s looking at an Etsy shop of custom leather gear. Collars, specifically._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) for the beta! 
> 
> sorry for the spoiler, but please [look at this lovely collar](https://www.etsy.com/listing/575009434/viniere-bondage-collar-a-gorgeous?ref=shop_home_active_3) before reading.

Cas isn’t interested in spying on Dean. It’s unethical, even if he did have some reason to believe Dean was up to something. So it’s totally an accident — a text saying,  _ Babe there’s a curry recipe in my bookmark how much okra do I need to pick up?  _ — when Cas clicks the wrong thing on Dean’s computer and suddenly he’s looking at an Etsy shop of custom leather gear. Collars, specifically. 

Cas isn’t sure what he’s going to do with this information, but he takes mental note of the seller anyway and clicks over to the recipe. After a few days of thinking about it, he gets out his debit card. 

Dean glances at the package when it arrives but doesn’t ask, maybe because he’s used to Cas buying a million boring household items on Amazon all the time. Cas opens it to peek but hides it in the back of the closet. 

He doesn’t forget about it, but it lays untouched and unmentioned for weeks. Cas is half-hoping Dean will bring the idea up on his own, but that doesn’t happen, so Cas purposefully waits until they are cuddled up on the couch, thinking a low pressure situation would get a more real reaction out of Dean. “I bought something for you.” 

“Yeah?” Dean says, glancing over from the tv. Jet Tila is one of his favorites so he knows Cas is serious if he’s interrupting. “What is it?” 

“I promise I wasn’t trying to snoop, but you asked me to check a recipe on your computer and I accidentally saw something else you had bookmarked.” 

Dean goes a little pale. “That’s personal.” 

“I’m sorry,” Cas says. “I really didn’t mean to. I wasn’t trying to go behind your back. But I also wish you had said something.” 

Dean looks away again, but just down at his hands, not the tv. “I didn’t want you to think it was stupid.” 

“Dean,” Cas says, touching his chin to get him to look up. “I never think anything about you is stupid.”

“You — bought one?” Dean says, blushing. 

“Yes. Would you like to see it?” 

Dean licks his lips, and Cas can tell he’s imagining what it would feel like. “Yeah.” 

“Hold please.” Cas kisses Dean’s forehead on his way out of the room, and when he returns, Dean is rubbing a hand over his face.

Cas holds the collar out to him, dangling by the O ring in the center. Dean’s hands tremor a bit when he takes it, and he touches the supple leather with light fingers the way he does panties before he puts them on. 

Cas says, “Would you like to try it on?” 

Dean nods mutely and hands it back to Cas. 

“Before we do that, I have to ask. Is this like the panties, where you just like the way they feel? Or is there more for you?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Does this mean more to you? Is it a symbol?” 

“Do you mean, like. Does it mean that I’m — submissive to you?” 

Cas isn’t sure that Dean has ever actually acknowledged that that’s what they’re doing. “Is that what you want it to mean?” 

It takes a moment, but Dean barely dips his head down in a nod. 

“I would like that,” Cas says. “If you wanted to let me be your dom, at least while wearing it. Sometimes we do something like that already, but is there more that you want?” 

“I don’t know. I guess.” 

“You are horrifically bad at verbalizing what you want,” Cas says, smiling. “You want to feel taken care of?”

“I don’t — you already do, I didn’t mean to say that you don’t.” 

“I know.” Cas kisses him, short and sweet. “But sometimes you want to just be mine. Is that right?” 

“Yeah,” Dean whispers.

Cas strokes his fingers down the side of Dean’s neck, watches his eyelashes flutter, and says, “You’re incredible. Do you trust me?” 

“Yeah, of course.” 

“I’m going to put this on you, and then you’re going to do what I say until you’re ready to take it off. You’re going to behave. Is that agreeable to you?” 

Dean nods and lifts his chin for Cas to buckle the collar around his neck. Cas slides two fingers underneath the leather and says, “Too tight?” 

“No, it’s ok.” 

“You’ll tell me if it feels too tight,” Cas says. “Can I take a picture?” 

“I mean, we do what you want now, right?” 

“No. We do what both of us want.” 

“You can take a picture.” 

Cas grabs his phone and takes several pictures from different angles. Dean, lashes lowered and blushing, the mocha brown of the collar just a darker shade of his golden skin, highlighting his freckles. Dean’s eyes spring green and lips bitten red. Dean smiling bashfully under Cas’s attentions. 

“Look,” Cas says, picking his favorite and turning his phone around to show Dean. “You’re just as gorgeous as I knew you would be. Do you like it?” 

Dean blushes again when he looks at the screen. “Yeah,” he says, voice raspy. 

“Good.” Cas smiles and kisses him. “I’ll have dinner ready in half an hour. While I work on that, I want you to put on panties, whichever pair you want, and wait for me on the couch. You can watch whatever you want. Understood?” 

Dean nods. 

“I love you,” Cas says. “Now go.” 

 

Cas started out buying lingerie specifically designed for men, but he tried an order of women’s panties, too. Dean didn’t say anything about it — maybe didn’t even consciously notice the difference — but he always chooses one of those pairs. As usual, that’s what Dean has chosen tonight, a pair that’s not particularly special, just soft pink fabric that hugs Dean’s dick in a way that makes Cas’s heart pound. They’re comfortable, Cas assumes, more  _ sweet _ than  _ sexy,  _ and he’s thought more than once about asking Dean why he doesn’t wear things like this all the time. 

Dean is looking at the tv without really watching, fiddling with the brass ring on the front of the collar, and Cas just watches him for a long moment before coming in to the living room with his plate of food. 

Cas sits next to Dean and kisses him. “You look beautiful.” 

Dean blushes and says, “Thank you.” 

Cas drops a pillow on the floor and points. “Kneel there, please.” 

Dean goes to his knees without question, and he looks even more beautiful like this, at Cas’s feet and open to whatever he asks. 

“You can drink whenever you want,” Cas says, “but I’ll feed you.” 

“Ok,” Dean says, a little breathless. 

Cas nibbles to make sure it’s not too hot, and then holds a bite out to Dean. Dean takes it carefully from his fingers. Cas takes a bite for every few he gives Dean, and Dean’s eyes never leave him. “Are you still hungry?” 

Dean shakes his head. 

“You didn’t even complain about the zucchini.” 

“I didn’t hate it.” 

Cas smiles and strokes a hand through his hair. “Come up here, sit with me.” 

Dean climbs on to the couch and lets Cas pull him close, though he feels tense under Cas’s hands. 

“Hey,” Cas says, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Do you like it? Was there another one you liked more?” 

Dean reaches up to touch the leather. “This, um. Was my favorite.” 

“It looks beautiful on you. I like your panties, too.” 

Cas tilts Dean’s head up to kiss him. Dean is so soft and sweet most of the time now, like he’s finally given up on pretending to be the kind of man who’s never known weakness. Cas hopes he deserves seeing this rare and precious part of him. 

Cas kisses Dean’s forehead and then pulls him in to tuck against Cas’s chest. Cas can feel Dean’s eyes on him. 

Dean says, “Aren’t you going to…?” 

Cas arches an eyebrow. “Going to what?” 

“I dunno. Hit me or something.” 

“Stop thinking so much. I’ll take care of you.” Cas tugs a bit at Dean’s hair just to make him smile. “Lay down. Put your head in my lap.” 

Dean hesitates, like he’s trying to figure out what Cas’s angle might be, but he gives in and curls up on the couch, head pillowed on Cas’s thigh. Cas rests one hand on the side of Dean’s neck, stroking his thumb over the collar and Dean’s throat, the other hand in Dean’s hair. 

It takes Dean a bit to relax, to melt into Cas like he’s no longer hyperfocused on the contact between them, and then he’s watching tv with a lazy smile and an occasional short laugh. 

“I think you have a crush on that guy,” Cas says. Dean rolls his eyes and Cas flicks in in the ear. “Don’t be a brat.” 

“What, you don’t think he’s cute?” 

“He’s ok, but I have someone much cuter in my lap.” 

“So you’re jealous,” Dean says, smirking. 

Cas tilts his head and looks down at Dean consideringly. “No, certainly not. You and I both know who you belong to.” 

Dean swallows, eyes darkening, and Cas just watches him for a long moment, Dean’s heart racing under his touch. 

“Back on your knees,” Cas says. 

Dean scrambles to the floor, staring as Cas unbuttons his jeans, slides his hand inside to pull at his cock. 

Cas stares back, eyes drifting down to the collar, admiring Dean in it. As soon as Cas saw it, he knew there couldn’t be anything better. The others didn’t make him imagine Dean immediately, vivid like a hallucination, with his green eyes and freckles accented by something more delicate than Cas’s hand around his neck. Something that says, without question,  _ I’m yours. _

Maybe it’s cruel, but Cas likes the way Dean blushes under his eyes, fidgeting nervous but silent while Cas strokes himself to hardness. Cas touches Dean’s face with his other hand, pulling at his lower lip with his thumb. “You’re very beautiful.” 

Dean’s lips part further to take Cas’s thumb into his mouth. 

“Hmm,” Cas says. “Is that what you were hoping for? You want my cock in your mouth?” 

Dean nods and Cas thinks about making him wait, just touching himself to see how long Dean lasts before breaking, but Cas probably needs Dean more than Dean needs him. He stands up, tosses his shirt somewhere over the couch, and steps out of his jeans while Dean watches with rapt attention. Cas is pleased to see that Dean is hard, the head of his cock peeking out of the top of the panties, and even more pleased that Dean hasn’t made any move to touch himself. 

“You’re a good boy,” Cas says, guiding his cock into Dean’s mouth. “You can touch me, but stay still unless you need to tap me.” 

Dean raises his hands to wrap around Cas’s hips. “Relax, sweetheart,” Cas says, and Dean takes him down on the first try. 

Dean was instantly in love with sucking cock, Cas could tell, and most nights he likes to do it as soon as he comes home from work, making Cas come in his mouth before he even takes a shower. 

Cas is very, very spoiled, and very, very much likes to take Dean to his limits, bring him up to the thin line between  _ not enough  _ and  _ too much.  _ Dean always seems to be wanting more.

Cas holds Dean down, cock in his throat, until Dean’s fingers clench at his hip. Cas doesn’t think he means to do it, but it’s a good sign his body is starting to get nervous about the lack of air, so Cas lets him up to breathe.

Dean likes it rough, choking until tears run down his cheeks, and Cas tilts his head to see Dean’s panties stained dark with precome even while he’s crying. Cas holds him down again, running his fingers around where Dean’s lips are stretched wide. 

“Good boy,” Cas says softly, and Dean’s eyes flutter closed and he moans when Cas thrusts a little deeper. “No one has ever been so good to me, you know.” 

Dean’s fingers clench again, but in a different way, trying to get Cas closer. Giving Dean what he wants is one of Cas’s favorite things, so he tightens his hand in Dean’s hair to fuck harder into his mouth. It’s overwhelmingly good, but Cas doesn’t let himself drown in it, instead watching Dean for any signs of discomfort, but Dean is loud and enthusiastic all the way up to Cas coming down his throat. 

Dean pulls back coughing but smiling. Cas smiles back and says, “Christ, I love you.” 

“Because I’m good at sucking cock?” 

Cas smacks Dean across the face, and it surprises Dean enough that he yelps and reaches up to grab Cas’s wrist. Cas says, “It’s ok that you feel unsure sometimes, and I will tell you over and over how much you mean to me. But believe me: that is not why I love you. It’s just a perk.” Cas wipes tear tracks away from Dean’s cheek and says, “Now go to bed. I’ll be right there.” 

Dean stumbles to his feet, Cas’s hand at his elbow to steady him. Cas splits off to the kitchen for for drinks, and when he makes it into the bedroom, Dean is on the edge of the bed, squeezing his cock through the panties. He jerks his hand away as soon as he sees Cas and blushes.

“It’s ok. You can’t help yourself,” Cas says. “Here, drink some water.” 

“You’re going to do that thing where you don’t let me come, aren’t you?” 

“Don’t be insolent or I  _ will _ do that thing,” Cas says. “Though I think you actually like it when I do.” 

Dean apparently decides he doesn’t have any more smart comments, just accepts the glass of water and drinks obediently. When he sets the glass back down, Cas pushes his hair out of his face and kisses his forehead. “Was that too much?” 

Dean glances down at his dick, hard and flushed. “No, I’m pretty sure I liked it.” 

Cas laughs and hooks his finger in the ring on the front of Dean’s collar to pull him in and kiss him. “Lay down on your back.” 

Dean settles, spread out and beautiful, lips parted and still red, and he looks like he’s flying higher outside himself than usual, the kind of high it usually takes a lot of dark bruises to find. Cas brings one of Dean’s hands to his mouth and kisses his knuckles. “You’ve been very good for me.” 

Dean reaches for Cas’s face, and Cas leans down to kiss him gently. “Let me be clear,” Cas says. “I’m going to suck your cock, but if you move, you’re not coming tonight. That’s up to you.” 

“Does talking count as moving?” 

Cas glances up sharply but for once Dean isn’t being a brat. “You can talk. And take off your panties. Then we’ll commence the no-moving rule.” 

“Do I get to make fun of you for saying commence?” 

Cas taps his first two fingers against Dean’s cheek, and Dean flinches but smiles. “Now you’re just being a brat, so I assume you decided you don’t want to come.” 

Dean immediately looks contrite. “Sorry.” 

Cas stares at Dean long enough that he squirms a little. “Take off the panties.” 

Dean lifts his hips to push off the panties and kicks them off the end of the bed. Cas bends to kiss the pink line across Dean’s stomach where the elastic clung too tightly, and then kisses just under the head of Dean’s cock, loves the jerk of it against his mouth. 

There’s probably no one in the world that loves sucking cock as much as Dean, but Cas likes it plenty, too, taking time to lick and kiss until his lips are sticky with precome before taking Dean’s cock into his mouth. Cas puts his hand over Dean’s and decides not to count it as moving when Dean turns his hand over to lace their fingers together. 

Dean is a moaning mess —  _ oh, fuck, fuck, Cas  _ — before Cas even gets to his best tricks, and then Dean is gasping, “Can I come?” 

Cas squeezes his hand and grazes his teeth in the right place to make Dean shudder, say his name, and come into Cas’s mouth. Cas gives a last lingering lick before shifting to stretch out next to Dean. 

“Thank you,” Cas says, and Dean smiles shakily. “Let me take this off.” 

Dean tilts his chin for Cas to unbuckle the collar. Cas drops it on the bedside table and pulls Dean back into his arms. “How do you feel?” 

Dean tucks under Cas’s chin and lets out a long sigh. “Pretty good.” 

“Was there anything you didn’t like?” 

Dean is quiet long enough that Cas is afraid he might have hated it all. He’s pretty sure he would’ve been able to tell, but reality seems so thin sometimes. 

“It was,” Dean starts, and Cas can feel the tip of his tongue as he licks his lips. “Really good. All of it.” 

“You like the collar?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You look lovely in it. And you were very well behaved. Maybe I should’ve bought you a collar a long time ago.”

Dean pulls back just so Cas can see him when he rolls his eyes. 

“See?” Cas says. “It’s off for two minutes and you’re back to being a brat.” 

Dean pouts and Cas kisses him, thumb caressing Dean’s cheek. Dean looks a little nervous and says, “Did you like it?” 

“You were perfect. I love you.” 

“You too,” Dean says, tucking himself back against Cas’s chest. “Bedtime?” 

“Sure. Let me take a handful of pills and set an alarm. I’ll be back in a minute.” 

“Stop being so dramatic.”

It’s one pill, and both of their phones are still in the living room. Dean is mostly asleep when Cas gets back into bed, but he still smiles when Cas kisses him goodnight. 

 

Cas wakes up just before sunrise with a story in his fingertips, the first time in what seems like a thousand years. Dean’s up not too long after and kisses the top of Cas’s head on the way to the kitchen. “You want coffee, baby?” 

“Refill please,” Cas says, holding out his mug. “I already made some.” 

Dean shuffles away on bare feet and comes back, yawning with a coffee mug in each hand. He passes one over and says, cautiously, “How are you this morning?” 

Cas grabs Dean by the hip and pulls him in to kiss his stomach. “Not crazy, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Dean says. “But I’m glad to hear it. I gotta get ready.” 

Cas has written another couple of pages by the time Dean comes back fully dressed. “Don’t go yet,” Cas says, and stands up to pull Dean in and kiss him, humming along to the song playing in the background.  _ “If I had these golden dreams…” _

“Nope, nope,” Dean says. “I don’t have time. You’ll have to wait until later.” 

Cas tugs at his hair and kisses him again, long and dirty, and Dean is panting when they break away. Cas says, “I love you, and I’m going to jerk off as soon as you leave and send pictures.” 

Dean groans. “I love you too, but that’s really mean.” 

“You can punish me if you want.” 

Dean laughs. “You know I don’t want to do that.” 

“Go before I start taking your pants off.” 

It’s a good writing day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["feel like makin' love" by bad company](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjJU_wQPpKk)
> 
> Baby, when I think about you  
> I think about love  
> Darlin', don't live without you  
> And your love  
> If I had those golden dreams  
> Of my yesterdays  
> I would wrap you in the heaven  
> 'Til I'm dyin' on the way  
> Feel like makin'  
> Feel like makin' love  
> Feel like makin' love to you


	43. BUTTERFLY EFFECT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m not capable of saying no to you. It’s going to get me in trouble one of these days.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to my sweet prince [deanscasanova](http://deanscasanova.tumblr.com) for the beta. <3

Cas grabs Dean by the back of the neck and pushes him down over the kitchen table, and Dean squeaks and laughs but silences when Cas leans over his back and says against his ear, “You were very flirty tonight.” 

“You like me flirty,” Dean says, still grinning. 

Cas presses his face into Dean’s hair to hide his smile, but Dean probably knows anyway. “I do, but I also don’t want you to forget who you belong to.” 

“Better remind me, I guess.” 

“Don’t move.” 

Cas makes quick work of pulling Dean’s jeans and boxers around his thighs and then he’s got two slick fingers in him. “Jesus,” Dean says. “Where did you even get that?” 

“I’m sneaky. Now shut up.” 

Dean whimpers when Cas starts to push into him. “Yeah?” Cas says. “You like that?” 

Dean says nothing, and Cas smiles. “Good boy.” Cas presses his hand in the center of Dean’s back to hold him down.

It takes hardly anything before Dean is a sobbing mess, clenching his fingers on the edge of the table, and he comes all over his jeans and the floor without Cas even touching him. Cas bends over him again and says lowly, “You think that guy could do that to you? You can answer.” 

“No,” Dean says, panting. 

Cas pulls out, smacks Dean’s ass, and says, “On your knees.” 

Dean goes down shakily, lips parted, and Cas hits him across the face. “You’re perfect,” Cas says, sliding two fingers into Dean’s mouth as he starts to stroke his own cock.

Dean whimpers and keeps his eyes upwards on Cas while he sucks his fingers. “Good boy,” Cas says, and pulls his fingers free to come across Dean’s cheeks and mouth.

Dean licks his lips, still staring up at Cas with that  _ look  _ Cas loves to put on his face, some sort of wonderment. Cas says, “Thank you. Can you stand, sweetheart?” 

Dean stands with Cas’s support, and Cas runs a finger through the come on his cheek and smears it into his mouth. “Go get cleaned up.” 

While Dean’s in the shower, Cas cleans up their mess in the kitchen. Cas is in the middle of changing clothes when Dean comes out of the bathroom, immediately pressing against his back. “Hey, baby,” Dean says, kissing the side of Cas’s neck. 

“Are you trying to seduce me again already?” 

“I haven’t done any seducing today.” 

Cas turns his head to squint at Dean. “Are you claiming you weren’t trying to provoke me with that guy?” 

“His name was Derek,” Dean says, grinning. “And it worked, didn’t it?” 

Cas turns in Dean’s arms to kiss him. “Are you trying to provoke me again?” 

“Well, you only hit me once. So. Maybe.” 

“I’m sorry to disappoint you.” 

“You can make it up to me later.” 

 

They’ve just settled into bed — Dean’s cheeks still red and a splotchy handprint around Cas’s neck — and Dean says, “Can I talk to you about something?” 

“Is everything ok?” 

“Yeah, just — my lease is up in a couple months.” 

Cas smiles and says, “When was the last time you were even at your apartment? I bet you have all kinds of plaid shirts you’ve forgotten you own.” 

Dean scowls. “You like my shirts.” 

“Yes, you look very sexy in plaid.” Cas touches Dean’s face, kisses him. “I’m sure we could make room in the closet, but what if I go nuts again?” 

Dean shrugs. “Then we’ll deal with it. That doesn’t change — you know, the way I feel about you.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Extremely sure.” 

“You have a better tv than I do. And I like your coffee table.” Cas looks around the bedroom consideringly. “We could definitely adjust this decor situation.” 

“That’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said to me. Gayer than all the gay sex dirty talk.” Cas glares and Dean says, “That’s not homophobic because it kinda turned me on. But yeah, my tv is better, so is my coffee table, and I don’t know how you expect to adjust the decor situation when you have so many goddamn books, but that’s ok because I like your books better than my shit anyway.” 

“Should we get a storage unit for everything else?” 

Dean blinks. “Because you think I’m going to need it again soon?” 

“No, of course not. But maybe we decide to get a bigger place sometime and wish we had it.” 

“I’m not sure if I really thought you were going to say yes,” Dean says. 

“I like the idea of you here all the time. Officially.” 

Dean smiles. “Me too.” 

Cas kisses him again, long and soft. “Now you really have seduced me again.” 

“Yeah, baby? Commitment makes you all hot and bothered?” 

“Mm, commit to putting up with me for months and see how hard I get.” 

Dean laughs and flops back on the bed. “You’re such a dick sometimes.” 

Cas turns to drape over his chest, head on his shoulder. “Are you excited?” 

“Yeah. But I kinda — didn’t let myself think about it too much in case you said no.” 

“I’m not capable of saying no to you. It’s going to get me in trouble one of these days.”

Dean smiles and kisses Cas’s forehead. “I’m, like, really in love with you.” 

“I’m, like, really in love with you, too.” 

“Did you think…” Dean trails off, playing with Cas’s fingers on his stomach. 

“Did I think what?” 

“When we met. Did you think this would happen?” 

Cas snorts. “No. Not in my wildest dreams.” He leans up to kiss Dean’s cheek, the corner of his mouth. “Before me, did you think about men a lot?” 

Dean bites his lip and stares at the ceiling. “I tried not to. My dad — he must have known, I guess, because he was always talking to me about — you know, masculine bullshit. He didn’t talk to Sam like that.” 

“I’m sorry he did that to you. You hated yourself for a long time.” 

“It’s not like your parents were great either.” 

Cas shrugs. “They were terrible. But I figured out pretty early that their love was very conditional and I would never meet those conditions.” 

“That’s fucked up.” 

“Your dad fucked up. He never got to know the man you actually are.” 

“Yeah, but. What if I had decided to go to a gay bar instead and never met you?” 

Cas smiles. “What if we met in a gay bar?” 

“When we get our time machine, let’s not risk that butterfly effect, ok?” 

“Agreed.”

Dean had insisted he needed to get some sleep before work, but he still kisses Cas for a long time, not hot and frenzied but quiet and adoring. “Baby, it’s so late,” he says, still pressed close enough that Cas can feel his breath. “Why did you let me do this again?” 

“I think we’ve determined that I have very little control over your behavior.” 

“Whatever, I do whatever you want.” 

Cas laughs and pokes him in the ribs. “Is that the story you tell yourself?” 

“I think you like when I’m bad.” 

Cas really does, but he’s not going to admit it. “Go to sleep. We’ll continue this argument in the morning.” 

Cas turns over to pull the lamp, and Dean draws him back in against his chest in the dark. “Sweet dreams, baby,” Dean murmurs into Cas’s hair. 

For once, Cas’s dreams  _ are  _ sweet.   



	44. VERY PIE-LIKE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas helps Dean out of his clothes and then spends a long time just looking up and down his body. Dean tries not to squirm, but it’s hard not to when he can’t tell what Cas is thinking._
> 
> _“Hmm,” Cas says, running a single fingertip down the center of Dean’s stomach. “Maybe I just want to look at you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) for the beta, and to sweet sentient entities [robotsnchicks](http://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com) and [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) for the advice. :) 
> 
> **content note** : non-explicit implications about John Winchester's A+ Parenting which i would say are no worse than canon, but potentially upsetting.

Cas is probably waiting for Dean to ask again, but Dean doesn’t, mostly because he’s not sure how to feel about how deep he went so quickly before Cas even got a hand on him the first time. But Cas is having a rough week of endless revisions and Dean wants to give him something, so he digs around in a drawer and drops the collar into Cas’s lap on the couch.

Cas tilts his head back to see Dean and smiles. “Is that so?” 

“If you want.” 

“I always want you. Come around so I can put it on.” 

Dean goes to his knees in front of Cas without being told, and Cas smiles again as he buckles the collar around Dean’s neck. “Is it too tight?” 

“No, it’s ok.” 

“Bedroom, please.” 

Cas makes Dean feel like the best sort of prey, and he loves the sound of Cas’s footsteps chasing him down the hall. Next to the bed, Cas turns Dean around by the hips and kisses him. “It looks really good on you.” 

Dean blushes and ducks his head but Cas tilts his chin back up for another kiss. Cas tugs at Dean’s shirt and says, “Let’s get you naked.” 

Cas helps Dean out of his clothes and then spends a long time just looking up and down his body. Dean tries not to squirm, but it’s hard not to when he can’t tell what Cas is thinking. 

“Hmm,” Cas says, running a single fingertip down the center of Dean’s stomach. “Maybe I just want to look at you.” 

Dean bites his tongue to keep from responding. 

Cas quirks an eyebrow. “So you’re being good tonight?” 

Dean keeps quiet and Cas circles around him. He runs a teasing touch down the center of Dean’s spine and Dean takes a shaky breath, goosebumps scattering around Cas’s touch. “What’s this scar from?” Cas says, running his fingers just over Dean’s shoulder blade.

“Um. Fell on a rock ice skating.” 

“Your knee?” 

“The bad one? Chainsaw. The other one, umbrella.” 

“ _ What?”  _

“Which one are you ‘what’ing about?”

“The chainsaw.” 

“My dad worked trimming trees for a while, took me sometimes to help him.” 

“And you took a chainsaw to the leg.” 

“I mean, barely. Or I would’ve lost it.” 

Cas presses his forehead to the back of Dean’s neck. “How old were you?” 

“Twelve or thirteen.” 

“Here?” Cas says, touching the inside of Dean’s arm. 

“Broke it.” 

Cas taps the tip of Dean’s thumb. “Here?” 

“Cut the tip off cutting Sam’s hair.” 

“Here?” Cas says, touching Dean’s bottom lip. 

“Split lip.” 

“How?” 

Dean shrugs. “Kid stuff.” 

Cas touches a dark mark on the top of Dean’s hand. 

“Burn. Making dinner for Sam.” 

“This one?” Cas says, touching a perfectly circular white spot on underneath Dean’s collar bone. 

“Spider bite. It was some kind of flesh-eating — it was really gross.”

Cas touches another white circle on the other side of Dean’s chest. 

“That one’s a burn.” 

Cas touches another circle and neither of them say anything, and then Cas grabs Dean by the back of the neck and pulls him close for a harsh kiss. “I’m sorry those things happened to you.” 

“Nothing  _ happened  _ to me. Kids get into trouble.” 

“I’m still sorry,” Cas says, and then: “I want you on your hands and knees on the bed.” 

Dean climbs in bed and listens to Cas in the closet, and then Cas has a hand on his flank and says, “Let me see your arms.” 

Dean goes down on his shoulders and stretches his arms behind his back. Cas buckles him in to the cuffs and says, “I need to get new ones to match your collar. I don’t know why I never imagined you in brown.” Cas strokes Dean’s hair out of his face and leans down to kiss his temple. “You’re really lovely.” 

Dean’s eyes close and he relaxes into the mattress, back arching. Cas says against his ear, “Do you want my tongue in you? We haven’t done that for days at least.” Dean whimpers and pulls at the cuffs. He can feel Cas smiling against his cheek. “I’ll take care of you. I want to bruise you up so pretty, too.” 

Cas bites Dean’s shoulder on the way down his body, then knees his legs further apart. “You don’t have to be quiet tonight. Is that what you want? Or do you have another request?” 

“Please, Cas.” 

The first hot lick makes Dean gasp, like it always does, but for once Cas doesn’t tease, just slicks Dean up with lips and tongue and turns him into a mewling mess. Cas doesn’t even reprimand Dean when Dean arches back further into his mouth and starts begging around the time Cas is licking into him. 

“You think you can come just from this?” Cas turns to bite one of Dean’s ass cheeks. “You never have before, but you seem especially responsive tonight.” 

“We can find out,” Dean says, panting.

The sound of Cas’s mouth and Dean’s harsh breaths is obscene, and Dean’s too busy loving the way Cas makes him feel to be embarrassed about it. Cas  _ sucks  _ and Dean thrashes in his bindings and says, “Oh, fuck, fuck.” 

Dean feels like he’s teetering on the edge of coming for what must be hours, but then Cas wraps his hand around Dean’s cock and gives two strokes before Dean really is, loud with toes curling. Cas keeps licking him wet and noisy until Dean shudders at the over-sensitive  _ too much.  _

Cas bites his ass cheek, hard in the same spot as before, and unclips the cuffs so Dean can roll over on his back and stretch his arms. Cas lays down next to him, still fully clothed, and Dean says, “Sorry. For not doing what you wanted.” 

Cas wipes his mouth on his t-shirt sleeve and nuzzles into Dean’s neck. “Nothing to apologize for. But I have a really good idea.” 

“What’s that?” 

“It’s a surprise. Stay here, I’ll be right back.” 

Dean waits for long minutes, thinking every few seconds about getting up to find Cas, and is stupidly relieved when Cas comes back and tosses his phone on the table. “We’ve got forty-five minutes,” he says, climbing into the bed between Dean’s legs and kissing him. “We should put it to good use.” 

“You could fuck me,” Dean says. 

“I love how greedy you are. I can have you however I want, can’t I?” 

“Please, come on.” 

Cas sits back to pull his clothes off, and Dean gets hands on him as quick as he can. Cas’s ribs are still sitting just under his skin but he’s as strong and handsome as ever, and he drowns Dean in kisses, just rolling his hips to smear through the come on Dean’s hip. “I guess I should hurry up,” Cas says, and Dean loves the swollen red of his mouth. 

“You’re the one who said we’re on a schedule.” 

“Mm,” Cas says, kissing each of Dean’s cheeks. “Can I hit you?” 

“You don’t have to ask permission.” 

Cas sits back on his heels and slaps Dean. Dean gasps and closes his eyes and tilts his chin up for another, and Cas gives it to him. Cas pinches and twists one of Dean’s nipples as he slides into him, then tugs on the ring on the front of the collar until Dean sits up on his elbows to kiss him. “You feel good,” Cas murmurs into his mouth. “Do you want me to come in you?” 

“Yeah, fuck,” Dean gasps.

Cas jerks Dean’s hips up half into his lap to fuck him hard, the way that makes Dean put one arm up to brace against the headboard so Cas doesn’t fuck him into the wall. Cas kisses Dean right before he comes, and Dean breathes in his groan. 

Cas stays still with his forehead pressed to Dean’s for awhile, Dean just listening to his heart pound. “That was amazing,” Cas says.

“It’s always amazing.” 

Cas nods, bumping his nose against Dean’s. “True.” He gives Dean a last lingering kiss and then pulls away only to push two fingers into him, slippery with come. Dean whines and Cas smiles and kisses the inside of his knee, the umbrella scar. “I’m not quite done with you yet, but I think it’s been forty-five.” 

Cas gets out of bed and pulls on his jeans without taking his eyes off Dean. Dean says, “Are you, um. Leaving?” 

“Just for a minute when the delivery —” the doorbell rings “-- Stay here.” Cas yells, “Just a second!” on his way to the bathroom. Dean listens to the water running and then he likes the rumble of Cas’s voice in the other room, even if he can’t hear what he’s saying, and then Cas is closing the front door and striding back into the bedroom. “It’s not pie, but it is pie-like.” 

“You got me pie?” 

“I got you pie-like.” Cas sits on the edge of the bed and unpacks styrofoam containers. “Peach cobbler.” 

“That is very pie-like,” Dean says, grinning. 

“I told you I’d take care of you.” Cas tugs the front of the collar. “Sit up a bit.” 

Dean sits up and Cas holds a bite out to him. “Don’t make a mess.” 

“I’ve got come all over me,” Dean says, laughing. 

“Stop complaining or you don’t get any at all.” 

Dean takes his bite obediently and says around a mouth full of cobbler, “That’s really fucking good.” 

“Don’t be uncouth,” Cas says. “Close your mouth.” 

Dean grins and lets Cas feed him again. Dean’s not entirely sure why he likes this so much — it must be something like the way he likes to take care of Cas by cooking for him. 

“Despite your terrible manners, I do love you,” Cas says, and lets Dean have the last bite. 

Dean pulls Cas’s arm around him, curling up against his shoulder. Cas hugs him close and kisses the top of his head. “Are you sore?” 

“Do you want to fuck me again, is that what you’re asking?” 

“I was considering it.” 

“Ok, but give me a minute to digest.” 

Dean closes his eyes and is lulled by the sound of Cas’s heart and the feel of him running his fingertips up and down Dean’s side aimlessly. He might even sleep for a moment, and then Cas is saying, “Wake up, sweetheart.” 

“I’m awake,” Dean mumbles against Cas’s neck. 

“Do you want to go to bed or do you want me to fuck you?” 

“I’m awake,” Dean says, sitting up.

Cas pulls off his jeans and says, “I kind of want you to ride me, but I think there’s something else I want more. First, though, your mouth.” 

Dean thinks this might be a trick, something about doing what he’s told instead of doing what he wants, so he hesitates. “Can I?” 

“That wasn’t a request,” Cas says, and pulls Dean down by the hair. 

It’s still probably fucked up how much Dean likes when Cas hurts him, even if it’s just a sting in his scalp, but days covered in Cas’s bruises are good days. 

Cas is still mostly soft and makes a little noise, hand tightening in Dean’s hair, when Dean takes him into his mouth. “Good boy,” Cas says. 

Dean hums happily and Cas’s hand tightens again. “God, you look pretty.” 

Dean wraps a hand around Cas’s hip and licks and sucks while he gets harder in Dean’s mouth. Dean likes this a lot, the tangible feel of Cas’s pleasure, likes how easy it is to take all of him before he’s throbbing hard and heavy on Dean’s tongue. 

Cas holds Dean down until his eyes water, then pulls Dean off by the hair and shoves him over onto his back. Cas grabs Dean’s thighs to jerk him where he wants, and then he’s kissing him and sliding two fingers into him at the same time. “You like that?” Cas says. “All slick with my come?” 

Dean nods into his mouth and whines when Cas pulls his fingers free. Cas grins and spreads lube on his cock and shoves into Dean all at once. “Oh, fuck,” Dean says, pulling Cas’s shoulder to get him close for a kiss. 

Cas grabs Dean’s hip adjust the angle, and then he’s fucking Dean as good as he ever has, teeth digging in to Dean’s neck just above the collar. “Tell me when you’re close.” 

Dean will never get over this, the feeling — even just the idea — of someone inside him, of  _ Cas  _ inside him. “You’re perfect,” Cas says into his neck and Dean chokes on a moan. 

“Close,” Dean says. 

“Good boy. Touch yourself.” 

Dean barely has his hand around his cock before Cas is giving him a predatory smile and closes his hand over Dean’s mouth and nose. Dean gasps, tastes the salt of Cas’s palm, and floats while Cas keeps fucking him deep and hard. 

“Come for me, sweetheart,” Cas says, and it doesn’t take much more before Dean does. 

Cas pulls his hand away and kisses the side of Dean’s face while Dean’s chest heaves, fucks him through it, comes grinding dirty in him. Dean holds Cas close by the hair and Cas kisses his sweaty temple and says, “Was it good?” 

“Yeah. Really good.” 

Cas pulls out and tilts his head to watch the come dripping out of Dean. “I really want to eat you out again but that wore me out.” 

Dean laughs and tugs Cas down next to him. “Finally found the end of your stamina?” 

“I think this is what being old feels like.” Cas loops a finger into the front of the collar and pulls Dean into a kiss. “I appreciate how well-behaved you were tonight. So good and sweet.” 

Dean blushes and and says, “Thank you.” 

“Is the collar uncomfortable at all?” 

“No.” 

“Can I ask you a favor?” 

“Anything.” 

Cas smiles and kisses Dean’s cheek. “Will you wear it tonight and tomorrow morning?” 

“If you want, yeah.” 

“And you’ll behave?” 

“Promise,” Dean says, grinning. 

“We’ll take it off for a shower and then it’ll go back on, and I want you to use your safeword if you want to stop for any reason. Ok?” 

“Ok.” 

Cas kisses his forehead. “I’ll take care of you.” 

“I know.” 

Cas unbuckles the collar and Dean misses it immediately. At first Dean thought Cas might just be humoring him with the collar thing, but the look on his face when he asked Dean to keep wearing it removed all doubt, like he can’t believe Dean is his. No one has ever looked at Dean like that before. 

Cas kisses Dean’s throat just where the collar was resting and then nudges him towards the edge of the bed. “Let’s go.” 

 

Dean’s not really sure how trying to do something for Cas ended up with Cas shampooing his hair and making him breakfast and riding him with slow, intoxicating rolls of his hips on the couch and whispering how beautiful he is the whole time, but Dean’s not complaining. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chainsaw thing is real. (--happened to my dad, not me!)


	45. INTERLUDE #12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I feel like a person now, most of the time.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) for the beta

“I still always want you, but it’s different now,” Cas says. “Quieter. I think I like it more.” 

“I don’t really know what that means.” 

“It used to feel like — I was only in myself when I was touching you. Like I was coming apart the rest of the time.” 

“You don’t feel like that now?” 

“No. I feel like a person now, most of the time.” 

“I like you as a person,” Dean says, kissing his shoulder. “And you’re writing.” 

“Slowly.” 

“But — do you think it’s helping? The meds?” 

Cas thinks about it for a moment. “Yes, I suppose so.” 

“Less snitches or whatever in your head?” 

“Yes, less of those,” Cas says, laughing. “Less everything, except feeling lucky to have you.” 

“I missed you there for a bit. I was pretty worried.” 

“I know. I’m sorry I hurt you.” 

“You didn’t really hurt me. I just got you, and I wanted to keep you a little longer. Pretty selfish of me, actually.” 

“You’re a good man, Dean Winchester.” 

“You’re probably a better one, Castiel Milton.” 

“It sounds really strange when you call me that.” 

“Hmm, Castiel. I heard you kinda love me and I wondered if you would let me fuck you again tonight.” 

“Two nights in a row?” Cas says, grinning. “That’s new behavior for you.” 

“Be nice to me.” 

“I think we both know you can fuck me anytime you want.” 

Dean climbs into Cas’s lap and nips at his neck. “Now is a good time.”    
  
  



	46. IN THE BACK OF MY MIND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas grabs Dean by the collar and hisses in his ear, “You had instructions.”_
> 
> _Dean nods, lowering his eyes._
> 
> _“You didn’t follow them.”_
> 
> _Dean stays quiet._
> 
> _“You’re in a lot of trouble.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) for the beta and also being an A+ cheerleader

Cas grabs Dean by the collar and hisses in his ear, “You had instructions.” 

Dean nods, lowering his eyes. 

“You didn’t follow them.” 

Dean stays quiet. 

“You’re in a lot of trouble.” 

Dean whimpers at the dark tone of Cas’s voice, tugging at the cuffs around his wrists in an effort to touch him, and Cas smacks him across the face, still holding on to his collar. Dean is already naked on his knees, and Cas unbuttons his jeans and pulls his cock out. He’s already hard, has been at least since he shoved Dean’s chest against the wall and told him to be ready for punishment, and Dean licks his lips to see him. 

“You’re such a whore for it, aren’t you?” Dean closes his eyes and blushes hot, but then Cas touches his chin to get him to look up agan and murmurs, “I love you.” 

Dean smiles a little, and Cas hits him and guides his cock into Dean’s mouth. He grabs Dean by the back of the head and shoves deep on the first stroke. Dean chokes and loves it, his hands flexing in the cuffs again wanting to touch, but Cas pulls him off by the hair, spit stretching between them. He glances at Dean’s cuffed hands and says, “I think you like that too much for it to be punishment. Answer me.” 

Dean nods, Cas pulling on his hair with the movement, and says, “Yeah, I — I like it.” 

“Stand up,” Cas says, helping Dean to his feet. He cradles Dean’s face in his hand and kisses him softly before hitting him twice, hard. He grabs the front of Dean’s collar and drags him, stumbling, back to their bedroom. 

“Down,” Cas says, and shoves Dean onto the bed. He grabs Dean by the hips to pull him up to get his knees under him and smacks Dean’s ass bare-handed before Dean has even settled face-down into the mattress. 

Before Dean even realizes it’s happening, Cas jerks his belt off, wraps it around his hand, and hits Dean across the upper thighs with it. “No, wait — spiderman,” Dean says around his panting breaths. Cas drops the belt and his hands go to unbuckle Dean’s wrists immediately. “No, it’s ok,” Dean says. “Just not a belt. Please. It’s — not fun.” 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Cas says, bending to kiss Dean’s cheek. “I should’ve asked. Do you want to stop?” 

Dean smiles up at him. “No.” 

Cas kisses his temple and says, “I have a Plan B.” Cas slaps Dean’s ass on the way to the closet and comes back with a wooden paddle in his hands. It looks heftier than Dean would’ve expected. “Is this ok?” 

Dean nods against the pillow. 

Cas barely swats him the first time. It thumps louder than anything else Cas has used on him, and the pain feels deeper. The next one is a little bit harder and Dean can distinctly feel the holes in the wood, twitches away from it. “Dean,” Cas says. “Are you ok?” 

Dean takes a slow breath and relaxes again. “Yeah. It’s just different.” 

Cas spanks him with just his hand and says, “Your bruises are going to be so pretty. You won’t forget about this for days.” 

Dean whines the next time Cas hits him with the paddle. It doesn’t take long before Dean’s ass feels hot and red and he shudders in the best way every time Cas hits him. Cas pauses to knead his ass and then reaches around to rub fingertips through the precome that’s been leaking out of Dean’s cock. “It seems like this isn’t much punishment, either.” 

“It hurts.”

“But you like it to hurt.” 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Dean says, smiling but trying to hide it in the pillow. 

Cas gives a flick to the head of Dean’s cock with a fingernail. Dean yelps but doesn’t protest and he thinks he sees Cas smirk. 

Cas picks up the paddle and goes back to hitting, the room full of the thuds of impact and the sound of both of their harsh breaths. Dean’s arms are starting to get uncomfortable but he’s not ready to stop yet. He can already feel all the places that must be splotched red and will be purple by morning, all over his ass and the tops of his thighs. 

Cas stops again, and Dean is so high on it that he can still feel the echo of hits with the paddle, barely notices when Cas spreads his cheeks until Cas gives a sharp two-fingered tap to Dean’s hole. Dean flinches and Cas says, “Mmhmm, there you go.” Cas spits on Dean’s hole and circles a finger around it before pushing in just enough for Dean to gasp. “So greedy.” 

Cas spits again to slide his finger a little deeper and reaches out to grip Dean’s cock with the other hand. “Oh fuck,” Dean whispers. 

“Let’s see how fast you come after that beating,” Cas says, hand speeding up.

Cas slides his finger in and out of Dean, barely, and it’s nowhere near slick but Dean wants more, and then he’s crashing into orgasm with Cas’s name on his lips. 

Cas pulls his finger free, gives another sharp tap, and then unclips Dean’s wrists. He wipes his hand on the sheets and then helps Dean turn over, rubbing his hands up and down Dean’s arms. Cas says, “I’m sorry, that was probably too long.” 

“I’m ok,” Dean says, still reeling. 

Cas leans down to kiss his forehead and then his mouth. “Thank you.” 

“You didn’t even come yet. Do you want me to…” 

Cas kisses him again before he can finish and Dean reaches for him, arms around his neck. “That’s not something I’m concerned about right now,” Cas says. 

“I want to make you feel good,” Dean says, or thinks he says. 

“I feel incredible,” Cas says, smiling. “Let go for a minute so I can clean you up.” 

It seems like a long time before Cas comes back but maybe it’s not. Dean is trembling hard as Cas wipes him down with a wet cloth and then pulls him into his arms. “Shh,” Cas whispers, rubbing his back gently. “You were so good — you’re perfect. I love you.” 

“I’m ok,” Dean says, but is glad when Cas pulls the blanket over them and kisses his forehead. 

“Let me take off your collar.” 

“Can I keep it a little longer?” 

“Of course.” 

Dean shakes in Cas’s arms for a long time, Cas humming a song into his hair. Dean thinks it goes,  _ And I hold you close in the back of my mind... _

“I’m really ok,” Dean says. “I feel good.” 

“You’re shaking.” 

“I know. But.” Dean kisses Cas’s neck and then his jaw. “I feel good.” 

“Can I get up and get you some water?” 

Dean gives a quivery smile. “I’m not going to freak out.” 

Cas kisses him softly. “I’ll be right back.” 

Dean’s tremors have calmed a bit when Cas gets him sitting up and puts a glass of water in his hands. Cas isn’t even hard anymore and Dean feels a little guilty, but then Cas is kissing his temple and rearranging them to lay down nose to nose. 

Cas caresses his thumb over Dean’s cheek, smiling, and Dean says, “I should ignore your instructions more often.”

“Oh, you  _ ignored  _ them?” 

“You like having an excuse,” Dean says, and kisses him, full and soft, tongues touching. 

“I’m going to love your bruises tomorrow.” 

“Me too.” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Dean takes another kiss. “Can I wear it tonight?” 

“I like waking up to you in it. It feels — I’m not sure. Special.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I treasure you.” 

“Cas,” Dean says, blushing. “Stop.” 

“No. I adore you.” Dean scowls and Cas laughs. “Are you ready for bed?” 

“Not really.” 

“Let’s watch that guy you have a crush on.” 

“I have a crush on his wife, too.” 

Cas snorts. “Go take a shower and I’ll change the sheets.” 

The loofah thing scratches harshly on Dean’s ass and thighs and his arms ache and he feels really stupidly happy. 

 

Dean wakes up to Cas, spooned behind him, sliding a slick finger into him. Dean takes a sharp breath and feels Cas smile against his neck. “Good morning, handsome.” 

“Hey,” Dean says, arching back into him. His ass aches where Cas beat him and he loves the feel of Cas’s cock pressed against a bruise. 

Cas pushes a second finger in and Dean gasps. “Greedy boy,” Cas murmurs. “You want my cock, too?” 

“Please, Cas.” 

Cas pulls his fingers out and then is pressing the head of his cock against Dean’s hole. “You missed this last night, didn’t you? I had to punish you for real somehow.” 

Cas lets Dean shift downward to take in the first inch, and then he nuzzles against the collar and holds Dean’s hips still to push all the way into him. Cas’s cock feels amazing all the time, but there is something different about warm and half-asleep sex. Something intimate, like being closer than usual. 

Dean reaches back to grip Cas’s hip, holding him close while Cas grinds in him. “You’re wearing that collar all weekend,” Cas murmurs, “and I’m going to fuck you all over this apartment, however I want.” 

Dean moans and Cas says, “You’ll be comedrunk for two days straight.” 

“Holy fuck. Jesus, I love you.” 

“I’m going to take such good care of you.” Cas wraps his hand around Dean’s cock, starts stroking slowly. 

Dean’s not sure where his orgasm comes from, because there was just this faint buzz of pleasure under his skin, and then he’s coming long and hard, going lax in Cas’s arms. “Sweet boy,” Cas says, kissing behind Dean’s ear. 

“Come on, Cas,” Dean says, and he loves the hot feeling of Cas coming deep in him. 

Cas kisses the back of Dean’s head and says “thank you” into his hair, and then pulls away and kisses Dean’s shoulder. “I’ll make you pancakes,” Cas says. “Chocolate chips or bananas?” 

“Both,” Dean says, snuggling into the pillow. “I’ll get up in a minute.” 

“Take your time.” 

Dean tries not to fall asleep, but he dreams about Cas surrounded by blinding light before the smell of coffee brings him back.    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and i hold you close in the back of my mind  
> feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt  
> and i'm too scared to know how i feel about you now  
> la cienega just smiled, "see you around" 
> 
> [ryan adams' "la cienega just smiled"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2jYzr1FH0g) (it is not a particularly positive-romance song, but it is very beautiful)


	47. BUSY LATER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas kissed like a Kansas storm, yellow clouds and thunder, and the ghost of it follows Dean around for days and days. A hundred times he stops himself from sending anything. And then:_
> 
> _**Dean:** Busy later? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my continuity police [Periazhad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Periazhad/profile) for keepin me on the straight & narrow
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> **THIS IS A FLASHBACK**  
> 

Dean writes a thousand text messages in his head and on his phone and erases each one.

Starting with denial

_I’m not gay_

_I’ve never wanted to_

_I’ve never done anything like that before_

_I wish you hadn’t done this to me_

_Lose my number._

but he knows that’s his own bullshit to deal with, not Cas’s.

 

Some sort of longing

_I’ve had good sex, but_

_I’ve been thinking about you_

_It’s never been like that before_

_We should do it again._

but that seems too honest and pathetic to even really entertain the idea of sending.

 

Drunk and jerking off

_What do you taste like_

_I want you_

_I want more of you_

_I jerk off thinking about you_

_I wonder if_

_Every night_

but he’s always just sober enough to be embarrassed by the thoughts.

 

The mundane

_How are you?_

_Do you want to get drinks?_

_Do you want to get coffee?_

_Do you want_

but maybe that’s really stupid, considering the circumstance of their meeting.

But Cas kissed like a Kansas storm, yellow clouds and thunder, and the ghost of it follows Dean around for days and days. A hundred times he stops himself from sending anything. And then:

**Dean:** Busy later?

 

The first time they talk idly through two beers each before Cas takes pity on Dean’s nerves and kisses him.

The second time Dean comes down Cas’s throat and Cas doesn’t seem disappointed that Dean only offers to jerk him off. Dean is figuring it out, he thinks. It probably helps that he’s done basically the same thing daily for seventeen years, though he’s still experimenting to find what Cas likes best.

The third time they smoke a joint in Dean’s apartment and argue about books — “Richard Matheson is a hack, Dean” — and then make out for a long time on the couch with their clothes still on, Dean pressed in the V of Cas’s legs to feel how hard he gets just kissing, and then Dean takes Cas’s shirt off and spends a long time kissing his neck to make him shiver, curious at the hard line of his sternum, curious if he likes tongue and fingers on his nipples as much as Dean does (he definitely likes it, but maybe not quite as much), and then Cas sucks Dean’s cock on his knees in front of the couch and eventually they end up naked in bed with Cas’s hands around both of them.

By the fourth time the ritual is: Dean texts _Hey I’m off work, want to meet up later?_ and Cas says yes and they pick one of their apartments (Cas’s is nicer, but he doesn’t seem to mind Dean’s) and there’s kissing and at some point they’re both covered in each other’s come and laughing. Dean gets the idea Cas doesn’t laugh nearly as much the rest of the time.

The fifth time, Cas shows up at Dean’s with a couple of six packs of from Austin Beerworks, one of the few beers they’ve managed to agree on, and they don’t even make it through the first one before Cas is in Dean’s lap.

Cas’s kisses are the same type of tornados as they’ve been every time, and Dean gets his hands in Cas’s short, soft hair to bring his tongue deeper into his mouth.

“You’re fucking gorgeous,” Cas says. “Do people tell you that all the time?”

“Not really.”

“They should. Are you going to bed me?”

“That’s a really weird way to say it, but that was my plan.”

“Specifically, do you want to fuck me?”

Dean blanks out. He’s thought about it — accidentally — but hadn’t considered the actual reality of it until just now. “Yeah,” he breathes.

Cas smiles and tugs gently on Dean’s hair. “I want to suck your cock first.”

Dean nods. “I’m not stopping you.”

They eventually make it into Dean’s room, even after a long pause where Cas pushes Dean up against the wall to kiss him senseless on the way, and then Cas leaves a trail of each of their clothes across the room and pushes Dean gently into bed.

“I’m really going to love your cock,” Cas says, breath hot on Dean’s nipple. “I’ve been thinking about it.”

“Really? Jesus.”

Cas moves down to lick up the underside of Dean’s dick and Dean gasps. “I used to have a tongue piercing,” Cas says. “I bet you would’ve loved that.”

“I — I think it’s going fine without it.”

Dean loves going down on women, and has never felt like the women he’s been with didn’t like going down on him, but Cas is _enthusiastic_ and does things with his tongue that Dean couldn’t replicate if he tried. And he’s loosely stroking himself as he does it, like he’s as into it as Dean is.

Cas pulls off and squints at Dean. “I think you were about to come and didn’t tell me. Did you change your mind about fucking me?”

“Oh. Shit. No.”

Dean already put lube and condoms on the table — maybe he thought about it more than _accidentally_ — and Cas leans over to grab them. “Have you done this before?”

“With women, yeah.”

“How do you want me?”

Dean looks down Cas’s body, taking him all in, and licks his lips. “On your back.”

“This is terrible lube, by the way,” Cas says as Dean climbs between his legs. “We’ll have to get you some good stuff.”

“I didn’t realize I was going to be judged on my lube choices,” Dean says, and kisses Cas before he can respond.

“It’ll do. I’m not patient enough to get my bag.”

“Me either,” Dean says.

Dean sits back on his heels to slick up his fingers, and he runs one fingertip down Cas’s cock, fascinated by the jerk of it into his touch. He keeps trailing his touch downward, over the soft, thin skin of his balls, lower to the tight furl of his hole. Cas drapes his legs further open, smiling easily as Dean circles his finger around him before slowly pressing inwards.

Cas hums happily and says, “Get up here and kiss me while you’re doing that.”

Dean is happy to comply, already enamored with the stroke of Cas’s tongue against his. He’s enamored with the way Cas feels inside, too, and the idea of what Cas’ll feel like around his cock sits hot in his gut. “Another one?” Dean asks, hesitantly.

“Yes, please.”

Dean watches Cas’s face as he slides two fingers into him. Cas’s lips part and his eyes darken and he makes a little gasping noise when Dean goes deep. Dean whispers, “Good?”

“Great.”

Dean leans into kiss Cas again, and the angle of his wrist changes in a way that makes Cas moan. Dean tries to repeat the move, watches Cas’s eyelashes flutter. “Is that…?”

“Yes, that’s very good.”

Dean gets lucky and manages to rub against it a couple times, but then he gets lost in a kiss and can’t find it again, but Cas keeps gasping against his mouth and tilting his hips to take Dean’s fingers deeper, so Dean doesn’t feel too bad about it.

“You should fuck me now,” Cas says.

Dean shivers and grips the base of his cock in sudden fear that he’s going to come before they even get to it, and Cas smiles like he knows, passing him a condom. Dean manages not to embarrass himself rolling it on while Cas watches, stroking himself like he can’t wait. Dean spreads lube on his cock and a little more for Cas, too, just to be safe.

“It’s going to be good,” Cas says, pulling Dean up to kiss him while Dean guides his cock into him.

Dean pushes in just the tiniest bit and Cas gasps into his mouth, and his kisses seem to gain fervor the deeper Dean gets into him, Cas’s hand on his ass to pull him in. Dean breaks for air on the first true stroke, forehead pressed to Cas’s. “Good?” Cas says, quietly.

“Really good,” Dean breathes, getting a hand in Cas’s hair to angle him for a kiss.

Dean hadn’t had any expectations of whether or not Cas would want him like this, but in all the times Dean’s thought about it, he’d never imagined it would feel like this. Like something bigger, something more. Something new.  

Cas really likes it, too, even when Dean ignores his urgings for _faster_ and _harder_ to take him slow and deep, mouth on his neck, determined to not miss even a fleeting sensation. But Dean hates the idea of not giving Cas what he wants and gives in, sitting up on his knees to fuck Cas as hard as he’ll take it.

Dean gets a hand around him and is stupidly proud to make Cas come, especially when he says _fuck, Dean_ and tugs at Dean’s hair. Dean presses his face into Cas’s neck, loves the smell of his aftershave just under his jaw, loves the slippery feeling of Cas’s come between them, loves the way there’s nothing but their panting breaths in the room after Dean comes.

Dean’s not sure his limbs aren’t still jelly but he manages to get up on an elbow. “Sorry, I’m probably hurting you.”

Cas smiles. “You’re fine. How was it?”

Dean manages to hit the bed next to Cas and toss the condom. “That was — good. Really good.”

“Does it get the Dean seal of approval?”

“Ten out of ten,” Dean says. “Would fuck again.”

Cas laughs and laughs and kisses Dean and they take turns in the shower and have a couple of beers and get naked again and Dean comes in Cas’s mouth and then watches wide-eyed while Cas jerks off all over his stomach and Dean wonders — accidentally — what he tastes like.

The sixth time, Cas rides Dean on his nice couch, and then they nap in his nice bed, and then Dean fucks Cas from behind, biting his shoulder when he comes.

It’s not that many times later that Dean is starting a text to Cas and realizes they’ve been seeing each other almost every day.

Dean almost writes:

_What are we doing_

_What do you call this_

_Why did you do this to me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for some reason i'm really convinced that dean likes richard matheson, and i'm equally convinced that richard matheson is a hack, so this is not the first time i've written that argument into a story.


	48. QUEERS FLOCK TOGETHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Hey. Why are you getting rid of all my books?”_
> 
> _“Not all of them. But I won’t have Sanderson in my house.”_
> 
> _“I love Mistborn.”_
> 
> _“I know. It’s difficult to be around you sometimes.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) is probably getting real tired of calling me on my bullshit, but i am indebted to her for it all the same. and thanks to [robotsnchicks](http://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com) for an unnecessarily lengthy discussion about dean's book interests.

Dean made the mistake of letting Cas work on packing his books while Dean works on the kitchen, which means the  _ Goodwill _ box is a lot fuller than the  _ Keep  _ box. Cas hopes he can sneak it out surreptitiously, but Dean comes up behind him, singing along to  _ Feel Like Makin’ Love  _ and pressing into Cas’s back to kiss his neck. 

“No,” Cas says, trying to step out of his arms. “When I sang this song to you, you said, ‘Cas, I don’t have time.’ And I’m a better singer.” 

“Hey,” Dean says, mouth still against Cas’s neck. “Why are you getting rid of all my books?” 

“Not all of them. But I won’t have Sanderson in my house.” 

“I love Mistborn.” 

“I know. It’s difficult to be around you sometimes.” 

“You’re such an asshole,” Dean says, laughing. “You can have Mistborn if I can have Spellsinger.” 

Cas scowls. “Fine. Now stop trying to seduce me.” 

“You’re not trying very hard to get away.” Dean bites at Cas’s ear and slides a hand under Cas’s shirt, flat on his belly. “You don’t want to fuck here one more time?” 

Cas doesn’t know why he pretends he isn’t going to do anything Dean wants in the end, even if it makes people think he reads Alan Dean Foster. He leans back into Dean’s touch and feels Dean smile against his neck. Dean says, “That’s what I thought.” 

“Don’t be a brat.” 

“Make me,” Dean says, biting Cas’s shoulder. 

Cas waits a moment, long enough that Dean thinks he isn’t going to do anything about it, and then spins to grab Dean by the hair and jerk his head back. “Get on your knees.” 

Dean grins and Cas really fucking loves him for it, and goes down to his knees on cheap carpet, still smiling. Cas holds his hair tighter and smacks him across the face. “Did you really think that was the best course of action?” 

“Seems ok to me.” 

Cas hits him again. “Don’t speak.” 

Dean goes quiet, face tilted up like receiving benediction. Cas wants to do everything to him at once, make him laugh and cry and beg and whisper and come a hundred different ways, but this is one of the best. He thinks about it often, Dean bruised and beautiful, hard and leaking no matter what Cas does to him. 

Cas unbuttons his jeans to stroke his cock, pulling Dean’s mouth open with a thumb on his tongue. “You can’t wait, can you?” 

Dean is smart enough not to say anything, but Cas knows his tells, the look on his face when just Cas’s words are turning him on. It’s second to Cas’s favorite look, the one when Dean lets himself submerge and trusts Cas to clear the water from his lungs afterwards. 

Cas hits Dean a few more times, trying to keep his expression impassive, and then he says, “Open your mouth.” 

Dean does, eyes flickering from Cas’s face to his cock. “Tap me if you need to,” Cas says. “Otherwise don’t move.” 

Cas holds Dean still by the hair and fucks his mouth until he chokes and cries. It feels better when Dean sucks him agonizingly slow, until Cas spends forever just shy of coming, Dean’s hand in his, but then he doesn’t get to have Dean like this. Dean is perfect in his submission, and he’s never said it, but he likes to be used by Cas. 

Cas pushes deep and holds Dean’s nose closed until Dean tries to pull away, then shoves him backwards, hitting him when he falls back on his heels. Dean gasps for breath and stares at Cas like Cas personally blew life into galaxies. His mouth is shining with spit and there are tear tracks on his cheeks and he’s never been more beautiful. 

Cas circles around Dean and nudges the center of his back with a knee. Dean goes down on his hands and Cas follows, reaching around to undo Dean’s jeans and jerk them plus his boxers over the swell of his ass to his thighs. Dean makes a noise when Cas spanks him and clenches his fingers in the carpet when Cas slides two fingers in him at once. 

“Seriously,” Dean says, “where did you get that?” 

“Seriously,” Cas says, “I’m sneaky. Don’t speak.” 

Dean whines when Cas fucks him harder with three fingers and then he drops his head between his shoulders and lets out a shaky breath when Cas gets his cock in him. Cas pulls his head back up by the hair and whispers against his ear, “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? You can’t get enough of me.” 

Dean gasps, and then moans when Cas bites down on the side of his neck. “You sound so pretty,” Cas says. “Let me hear you.” 

“Cas,” Dean whimpers when Cas fucks him hard enough to send him down on his elbows. 

Cas slides his hand around Dean’s hip to grip his cock. “Are you going to come all over yourself again?” He smirks, leans down to kiss the back of Dean’s neck. “Should I let you?” 

“Please, Cas.” 

“How many times have I told you not to speak?” Cas says, but he touches Dean like Dean likes anyway. 

Dean makes a mess coming on his clothes and Cas’s hand and the floor, and Cas makes a mess inside of him. 

“‘Make me,’” Cas says, smacking Dean’s ass when he pulls out. “Are you happy now?” 

Dean grins over his shoulder. “Yeah, but now we gotta untape the clothing box. And — Jesus, my elbows are fucked up. How am I going to explain that?” 

“I’ll kiss them better.” 

“Asshole.” 

“You’re stuck with me now.” 

Dean doesn’t have much clothing left at his place that is actually wearable, but they do find a pair of Cas’s sweatpants left from however-long ago and Cas is far too pleased with the image of Dean in his clothes, but even more pleased later to carry a box of Dean’s shitty books up to his —  _ their  _ — apartment.

 

“You know why all your friends are lesbians, right?” 

“Because I love lesbians,” Dean says, smirking and bumping Cas’s hip. “Mm, lesbian twins, even better.” 

Cas rolls his eyes. “That may be true, but that’s not what I was going to say.” 

“Do tell, wise one.” 

“Because queers flock together. Even when some of us are confused.” 

Dean blinks. “I’ve known Charlie since, like — right after I moved here.” 

“Yes, I know. You’re not folding that right.” Cas snags the towel out of Dean’s hand and refolds it while Dean just looks at him, kind of oddly. 

“You think they knew?” 

“Of course they knew. Subtlety is not your strong point.” 

“Oh.” 

“Sweetheart, I picked you up in a straight bar.” 

“I guess I’m glad I’m not subtle then,” Dean says, smiling.

“You thought I was so hot.” 

“You are hot.” 

Dean hits Cas with a towel and Cas steals it to fold it the right way. “Anyway. About your friends that are lesbians.” 

“My friends, who are lesbians, though I’m not the one to bring that up, are demanding a housewarming party.” 

“ _ They  _ are demanding we have a housewarming party?” 

“Well, Charlie claims they’ll do everything but it has to be here and I have to tell her a date by, like, tonight, or I’m going to face her wrath. I don’t want that.” 

“Do I actually have to make an appearance?” 

“Cas, come on. If you really don’t want to we won’t.” 

“I’m just teasing. Of course we’ll have a housewarming party.” 

“I haven’t met any of your friends yet,” Dean says, and Cas can tell he’s trying to sound like he doesn’t care about Cas’s answer. 

“There’s not a lot to meet,” Cas says. “Gabe is occasionally tolerable. I used to like Meg a lot more, but we’ve been friends long enough that we can’t get rid of each other. You already know them.” 

“Lisa.” 

Cas turns Dean towards him. “Are you upset that I still go to her class?” 

“No. I just meant, she’s one of your friends I know.” 

“I don’t have —” Cas frowns. “People don’t like me. I don’t have friends the way you do.” 

“Charlie and Row love you. Everyone loves you. I love you. Chuck thinks you’re a god.” 

“So we’ll invite them.” 

“They’re your friends, too. You know that, right?” 

“The idea actually hadn’t occurred to me.” 

“Well,” Dean says, stroking his hand through Cas’s hair. “It has now.” 

 

Charlie and Row make food Cas will eat, and they also make food everyone else will eat, and there’s a lot of liquor and a lot of weed, and Cas is inordinately happy sitting on the floor of his and Dean’s living room with a plate of spinach dip and chips and more than one joint being passed around. 

Cas is pretty sure no one actively dislikes him. He’d been a little afraid of seeing Charlie, knowing Dean must have told her about the way Cas treated him for awhile, but she hugged him just as happily as she has every time they’ve met. 

Cas did legitimately like Chuck’s book so they get sucked into their own little pocket for a long time talking about it. The next time Cas really notices anything else is Dean’s hand on the top of his head, stroking his hair. Cas tilts his head up to to smile lazily at him, immediately in a pocket with Dean instead, Chuck fading into the background. 

“Hey, baby,” Dean says. He’s smiling loosely the way he does after too many drinks. “You need refills on drink or food?” 

“Peacemaker. And those things with the,” Cas says, gesturing in a circle. 

“It’s stupid that I know what you mean. Be right back.” 

By the time Dean comes back, Charlie is cross-legged next to Cas, chattering about something Cas isn’t completely following but enjoying all the same. She’s even more hyperactive than usual when high and Cas is having trouble keeping up. 

Dean hands over the beer and plate and sits down, kissing Cas’s cheek. Charlie grins. “You know this is, like, unprecedented WInchester behavior, right?” 

Dean is nuzzled into Cas’s shoulder, his hand sliding under Cas’s t-shirt in the back. He’s stoned and cuddly, murmuring something Cas doesn’t catch, and Cas wants to have him, right now, on the floor. Cas says, “Unprecedented?” 

“He’s dated plenty, but I’ve never seen him…  _ touch _ someone.” 

“Shut up, Charlie,” Dean says, muffled into Cas’s shirt. 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Charlie says. 

Cas glances over sharply and wonders — for the millionth time — what Dean might have told her. “Thank you. Me too.” 

Dorothy waves from across the room and Charlie says, “Gotta run, my queen is beckoning me.”

“She’s whipped,” Dean mumbles. 

“You’re whipped,” Cas says. 

“Mmhmm.” Dean kisses just under Cas’s ear. “You’re having fun, right?” 

“Yes. Are you?” 

“Yeah, obviously. I’ve got you here.” 

Cas smiles. “You’re extremely high.” 

“Pretty drunk, too,” Dean says, grinning. “I wish I could make out with you right now.” 

Cas leans close and says up against his ear, “I want you to wear your collar while I fuck you.” 

Dean is easy to rile up, and his hand squeezes around Cas’s side. “Later,” he says, staring at Cas’s mouth.

“You’re not subtle.” 

“If I don’t play hold ‘em, Jo’s going to hurt me.” 

“Please don’t lose all your money because you’re too intoxicated to know what kind of hand you’ve got.” 

“No more than twenty bucks, I promise.” Dean grins and kisses Cas, a little longer than he should in an apartment full of people, but Cas doesn’t mind. 

 

Jo passes out on the couch before Cas, Charlie, Dorothy, and Row even finish cleaning up. Cas already sent Dean to bed, and he pauses long enough to toss a blanket over Jo before joining Dean. 

Dean is naked on his stomach, the lines of his back soft and beautiful in the yellow light of the lamp. “Did you fall asleep on me?” Cas whispers. 

“No, I’m waiting for you.” 

Cas leans down to kiss his cheek. “Meds and teeth, then I’ll be back.” 

“Ok, baby.” 

Dean’s more asleep when Cas pulls the lamp and climbs into bed, but he still turns to kiss Cas, a hand in his hair. Cas loves the press of their tongues together, and then Dean smiles against his lips and says, “I wanted to kiss you like that all night.” 

“Me too,” Cas says, and gets his tongue back in Dean’s mouth. 

These kisses are not particularly hot, just lazy and  _ feeling,  _ and Cas is disappointed when Dean pulls away again. “Can I. Um,” Dean says, looking down. “Can I wear it?” 

Cas smiles and kisses his forehead. “I don’t think either of us are up for any fucking tonight.” 

“I know. I just kind of — want to wear it.” 

Cas smiles. “I’d keep you in it all the time if I could. Just a second.” He sits up and finds the collar in the top drawer by touch. Dean sits, too, and tilts his chin for Cas to buckle it on. “Too tight?” 

“It’s fine,” Dean says, pulling Cas back to lay down. 

Cas admires Dean the best he can in the barely-light. “We better remember to take it off in the morning. I don’t think either of us want Jo to see that.” 

Dean shudders. “No, please.” 

Cas wraps an arm around Dean’s shoulders and pulls him close to kiss his forehead, his cheek, his jaw. “Thank you for being mine.” 

“Love you,” Dean says, and goes heavy with sleep in a blink. 

 

**Charlie** : I know I was a lot to handle last night but seriously you make Dean so stupidly happy and I’m so stupidly happy for him. I’m glad he has you. 

**Cas:** I’m glad he has you, too. 


	49. FULL EFFORTS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dean feels Cas’s eyes drift down his body like a physical touch. “Do you think you could come from just rimming? You haven’t before, but I could make a better effort.”_
> 
> _Dean coughs. “All the other times have been low effort?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) has been my beta and co-captain cheerleader lately :')

Dean comes home from work and the collar’s on the coffee table along with a note in Cas’s messy scrawl.  _ Oven at 375. Put this on. Come to bed. Love—  _

Dean turns on the oven and stops short in their bedroom doorway at the sight of Cas on his back in bed, fully clothed in black jeans and a navy t-shirt with the sheet tangled around one of his legs, an arm thrown over his face. Dean’s not sure how he survived his entire life without having this. 

Cas doesn’t stir when Dean sneaks by for a shower. Afterwards Dean watches himself put the collar on in the mirror. Cas has always been the one to do this before and the buckle feels strange under his fingers.

Cas is awake and blinking sleepily when Dean climbs into bed next to him. “Hey,” Dean says. 

“Hey,” Cas says back, smiling the way he does when he first sees Dean in the collar. “Kiss me.” 

They kiss unhurried and when it’s over Dean bumps his nose against Cas’s. “Did you have a nice nap?” 

“Yes. Someone kept me up late last night.” 

Dean snorts. “That someone had to get up at six for work and didn’t get to take a nap, so stop complaining.” 

“I started dinner. There are dead things.” 

“You never make dead things,” Dean says, grinning. 

“I wanted something you would really like. Let me go put it in. Don’t move.” Cas kisses Dean on the way out of bed. “You look really beautiful, by the way.” 

Dean waits, and Cas is back in less than a minute. Cas says, “I have a present for you.” 

“I always like your presents.” 

Cas comes out of the closet with a little velvet bag and out of the bag comes a plug. “Oh,” Dean says. “That’s way smaller than the other ones.” 

“This one is special,” Cas says, tossing it to Dean. 

“Weird,” Dean says, turning it in his hands. “It’s like, uh.” 

“Weighted. You’re going to like it.” 

Dean passes it back and Cas spends long minutes just kissing him, loosely stroking him to hardness before pushing his first two fingers into Dean’s mouth. Dean sucks like Cas wants him to, watching Cas watch his mouth. “Good boy,” Cas says quietly, and smiles when Dean smiles around his fingers. 

Cas pulls his fingers out with a pop and slides his hand between Dean’s legs, pressing a wet finger to his hole. “I adore you.” 

“I adore you too,” Dean says. 

Cas kisses him softly while working a finger into him, slowly enough that Dean whines for more. “Shh,” Cas says, pulling his finger out completely and reaching for the lube. 

The plug goes in slowly, too, and feels distinctly different than the others as it settles. “Good?” Cas says. 

“It’s different, but I like it.” 

The oven beeps, and Cas rolls out of bed. “Dinner time.” 

“Wait, really?” 

Cas pulls on a pair of sweatpants from the floor and tosses another at Dean. “Yes, really.” 

Dean gets out of bed carefully and the toy shifts in a way that makes him take a shaky breath while he’s putting on the pants. 

“Go pull it out of the oven. I’ll be there in a minute.” 

Dean hears the water running and Cas joins him in the kitchen about the time Dean is pulling out plates and silverware. “Not just dead things but red meat dead things?” Dean says. “Should I be suspicious? Are you apologizing for something?” 

Cas tugs on the front of the collar. “Behave or you won’t get your reward later.” 

“Not to jinx it, but what am I getting a reward for?” 

“Being very handsome and very loveable. And you were extra good last night.” 

Dean blushes and ducks his head. Cas beat him black and blue — everything aches deliciously now — and covered him in kisses and beat him again. Dean loved every second, came explosively as soon as Cas got a hand on him. 

The food is good, but Dean’s can’t concentrate on it, hyper-focused on the toy inside him. “You’re not paying attention at all, are you?” Cas says with a smile, and Dean realizes he has no idea what Cas was even talking about. 

“Uh, no. Sorry.” 

Dean feels Cas’s eyes drift down his body like a physical touch. “Do you think you could come from just rimming? You haven’t before, but I could make a better effort.” 

Dean coughs. “All the other times have been low effort?” 

“Are you finished eating?” 

“If it’ll get your tongue in me faster, yeah, finished.” 

Cas slaps him gently. “I’ll take care of the kitchen. Go take it out and clean up and I’ll be back in a few.” 

Dean is quick but then Cas takes a ridiculously long time in the kitchen, probably just to make Dean fidget impatiently in bed, but eventually Cas walks into the bedroom, making an appreciative noise. “You’re gorgeous.” 

Cas gives Dean a long, deep kiss, and smirks when he pulls away. “I meant it,” he says. “I’m going to give my full efforts to making you come on my tongue.” 

“Full efforts,” Dean repeats.

“Even if it takes hours.” 

Dean licks his lips. “I’ll clear my schedule.” 

Cas gives a sharp two-fingered tap to the head of Dean’s cock and Dean squeaks. “Certainly I didn’t hear you being a brat already.” 

“Sorry, baby. I’m done.” 

Cas reaches for Dean’s cock again and Dean flinches, but all Cas does is run one finger down the underside. “Pillow,” Cas says. Dean passes one over and lifts his hips for Cas to position it under him. “I’m not about to eat lube, am I?” 

Dean laughs. “I wouldn’t do that to you.” 

Dean spreads his legs for Cas to fit between but tugs on his hair before he can get started. “Hey, I know you have a thing about getting naked lately, but will you take off your shirt?” 

“I don’t have a thing about getting naked,” Cas says, frowning. 

“Yeah you do, but it’s ok. You don’t have to.” 

Cas sits up to pull his shirt over his head. Dean runs a hand reverently down his chest and says, “Thank you.” 

Cas leans back down and licks the underside of Dean’s cock from base to head, easing the sting from his fingers. “I’m not complaining,” Dean says, “but that’s not what you said you were doing.”

Cas glares and licks again, probably just to be contrary, and then pushes Dean’s legs wider open and settles on his stomach. 

Cas is a fucking tease like always, but Dean does his best to not get impatient and just enjoy whatever Cas has to offer, closing his eyes and mostly drifting except the part of him that’s all too aware of Cas’s mouth. Just about the time Dean is starting to gasp at every swipe of Cas’s tongue, Cas pulls back to bite and suck the inside of one of Dean’s thighs.

“Your bruises are really lovely,” Cas says. “Do you like them?” 

“Yeah, I like them a lot.” 

“Thank you for the picture earlier.” 

Dean blushes. Cas has taken pictures of bruises he left on Dean plenty of times before, but earlier Dean had sent him a photo from the garage bathroom of the plum-colored bruises on his ass, at Cas’s request. He’s not sure why he feels more shy about it than he is to take any of the other pictures he’s sent Cas for almost two years, maybe something about the secrecy of the bruises. Someone finding out Dean had been sending his boyfriend risque pictures from work would be embarrassing, but he figures just about everyone has sent or received a sexy picture in their lives. But someone finding out about the things Cas and Dean do when they’re alone — that would be horrifying. Dean knows what people would think. 

“I should’ve put you on your stomach so I could enjoy them.” Cas smiles and nuzzles in close, gives Dean’s hole a slow lick. 

“Oh, fuck,” Dean says, and then again when Cas pushes his tongue in. 

“Talk to me,” Cas says. 

“I’m — a little distracted. What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me your favorite part. Tell me how to make you come.”

“You haven’t figured that out yet?”

Cas looks up to glare and taps sharply on Dean’s hole and smiles again when he gasps. 

“My favorite part — um, when you put your fingers in me and do that thing with your tongue —“

Cas pushes the tip of his thumb in, watching Dean’s reaction curiously. “This thing?” He pushes his tongue in where his finger is holding Dean open, then a little deeper on the second thrust. 

Dean tips his head back and moans and says, “Oh, fuck, yeah, that. I — Christ, baby.”

Cas pulls his thumb out and sucks two fingers into his mouth. He pulls them out, spits on Dean’s hole, and pushes them in to Dean all at once, just shy of too dry. He spreads his fingers, licks between them, takes a break to fuck Dean with his fingers while he sucks his balls. Dean whines and his thighs tremble when Cas licks into him again and he starts to beg. 

“What do you want, sweetheart?” Cas murmurs. 

“Fuck, fuck, I — close,” Dean says, pulling at Cas’s hair. 

Cas smiles smugly and takes his fingers out to suck at Dean’s hole, tongue laving against him. 

“Holy —  _ Cas,”  _ Dean whimpers, and on the next swipe he’s coming all over himself, fingers still in Cas’s hair, twisted and jerking. 

Cas keeps licking him, but eventually takes pity and licks up Dean’s perineum, over his balls, up the underside of his cock, smearing through the come on his stomach, keeps moving until he’s kissing Dean, deep and dirty. “You did it,” Cas says, smiling.

“ _ You  _ did it.” 

Cas tugs on the collar like reminding them both it’s there and then lays next to Dean, pulling him into his arms. Dean pants against his collarbone, still trembling a bit, until Cas strokes his hair and says, “What do you mean, I have a thing about getting naked? We fuck all the time.” 

“I mean, yeah. You do stuff — mostly you do stuff to me. But you don’t let me do stuff to you. I didn’t want to say anything but — am I not — um, am I not doing it right?” 

“Of course you’re doing it right,” Cas says, frowning, and Dean can see him thinking. “I guess you’re right. I’m sorry.” 

“You can tell me if it’s me.” 

“It’s not you. I didn’t realize you felt that way. I didn’t realize I was doing anything different.” 

“Do you even remember the last time you came? With me?” 

Cas holds him tighter. “No. I’m sorry.” 

“A week ago Saturday.” 

“And you’ve thought this whole time it might be you?” 

Dean shrugs and is glad Cas can’t see his face. 

“Darling, you have to talk to me. Please. It’s not you.” 

“Ok. As long as it’s not — as long as it’s not me. I don’t care what we do.” 

Cas kisses Dean’s forehead, rubbing a hand up and down his back. “You were perfect tonight, like always.” 

“You did make me come.” 

“You were beautiful. You  _ are  _ beautiful. I love you in your collar.” 

“Do you want me to, um, do something?” 

Cas is quiet for a moment. “No, not really. I want you to wear your collar, and I want you to rest, and I want to make you breakfast in the morning.” 

Dean yawns. “Ok.” 

“I love you.” 

“You too,” Dean says, and is so happy, like he is every night, to fall asleep in Cas’s arms. 


	50. INTERLUDE #13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“This isn’t working.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) looked this one over for me :)

“This isn’t working.”

Dean’s heart lurches. “Like, um — living together? Or just… in general?” 

“I didn’t mean  _ us,”  _ Cas says, frowning. 

“Jesus, you scared me.” Dean pulls Cas in for a kiss, heart still pounding. “What’s going on?” 

“The meds.” 

“Oh,” Dean says. “You seem different. You don’t feel better?” 

“It’s not right. The way I feel.”

“How, um. Do you feel?”

“I’m not sure if I’m here again sometimes.”

“Cas,” Dean says, offering a smile. “We’re right here.”

“It’s not right.”

“You can see the doc and try something else, right?”

Cas seems distracted, frowning and looking around the room like he’s not sure he recognizes their things.  “And I don’t want you the same way.” 

Dean looks away and tries to figure out how to respond, and then he can feel Cas focused on him again. Dean sees him pale a bit out of the corner of his eye. “Fuck, that’s not what I meant. I’m not doing well in this conversation. I love you and I want you here. I think about you all the time. But I don’t — want sex the same way.” 

“I don’t care if we’re fucking all the time or not as long as you’re ok.” 

Cas blinks like this surprises him. “But that’s how we met.” 

“So what? Do you seriously think I care more about sex than you? Do you care about sex more than you care about me?” 

“No, of course not. I just like making you happy.” 

“I am happy, but I need you to be ok,” Dean says, pressing a kiss to Cas’s forehead. “I need you here. I need you to know you’re here. And we knew this could happen, right? The sex thing.” 

“I didn’t know you knew.” 

“My boyfriend goes on drugs that are making him sick, and you think I don’t google? Are there other reasons it’s not working? Are you still having bad side effects?” 

“Some unpleasant ones. But mostly I’m not sure — is this what normal people feel like?” 

“I don’t care if you’re  _ normal.  _ I care that you’re not hurting. You said there’s other things you can try, right?” 

“Yes.” 

“Is that what you want?” Dean says. “You can’t — neither of us want it back like it was. You scared me.” 

“I suppose I have to. I’ll make an appointment.”

 

Cas is sick as he goes off that one, and then sick again on the new one, and Dean just keeps doing his best to take care of him, hold him close, kiss him any chance he gets. 


	51. HORSES & FANCY CARS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It’s always just been Cas looking after himself. Being by himself. Not caring._
> 
> _And then Dean walked into a bar._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) looked at this for me, and i ignored all of her semicolon-related suggestions. xD

Anna and Cas were close when they were kids, at least up until Anna started drinking the Come-to-Jesus koolaid in earnest. Gabe cares, but only begrudgingly, and probably at least partly out of guilt. Michael was too perfect to bother with Cas, and their father was done with Cas around the time it became clear that Cas would never be that perfect himself, and his mother followed along. Meg found him convenient, and Cas found her convenient, and somehow they accidentally became friends, though they are distant now.

Cas was a weird kid, read too many books and wrote too many stories for other kids to stick around long. So he started fucking around a lot and doing a lot of drugs and stopped caring about other people or expecting other people to care about him. It mostly worked.

It’s always just been Cas looking after himself. Being by himself. Not caring. 

And then Dean walked into a bar. 

 

Cas lets Dean see the second draft of  _ Giant  _ and he devours it in two days, mostly pressed up against Cas’s side on the couch, feet on the coffee table. Cas opens his mouth to ask what Dean is thinking about a million times. 

It’s late enough that Cas is yawning when Dean drops his phone next to him. “Finished.” 

Cas hopes Dean doesn’t notice his heart speeding up. “What do you think? Please be honest.” 

Dean bites at his lip, and even in Cas’s state of anxiety, he focuses on his mouth. “So, I’ve loved all the others. Like, a lot,” Dean says. “But this one — Jesus Christ. Are you seriously my boyfriend? My boyfriend that’s a genius? You’re amazing. And I got to be here when you made that.” 

“I couldn’t have made that without you.” 

Dean grins. “Is it stupid to say I’m proud of you?” 

Cas flushes and looks down. 

“And your editor and everyone is going to love it, too. I promise. You’re going to be rich.” 

“That seems unlikely,” Cas says, rolling his eyes. 

“They’ll make a movie out of all of them. We’ll buy a mansion and some horses.” 

“Horses? What about fancy cars?” 

“I’ll let you buy me both.” 

Cas snorts and Dean tugs him into a kiss. When Dean pulls away, he’s smiling and says, “Let’s go to bed.” 

“Yes, I have a great idea along those lines.”

Cas lays Dean out in bed and pulls his pants off slowly. Dean is watching him, still smiling. Cas loves the way Dean feels and the way he tastes under his mouth. He likes Dean’s sharp inhales when he digs his teeth in to his neck. He likes the way Dean shifts restlessly and moans when Cas licks and bites at his nipples. He likes how easy it is to rile Dean up, to have him rock hard against his belly. 

Dean jerks at Cas’s hair the first time Cas swallows him down, and Cas lets him with a happy moan. “Jesus,” Dean whispers. 

Dean’s hips hitch upwards without him meaning to and Cas takes whatever he has to give. Dean’s hand leaves Cas’s hair to grab his hand and this is Cas’s favorite thing about sucking Dean’s cock, Dean’s fingers gripping tight. 

“Can I come?” Dean says, and Cas glances up sharply, surprised, but squeezes Dean’s hand. 

Dean’s back arches and he says “oh, fuck, Cas” when he comes and Cas is so greedy to have all of him. 

 

**Dean:** Today sucks

**Cas:** What’s going on? 

**Dean:** idk everyone is pissed about something. Left for work in a great mood this morning, now I’m getting chewed out every 5 minutes

Cas sends a picture of the two of them, something Charlie took at the last game night. Cas hadn’t realized they could be seen from the living room when he pushed Dean up against the kitchen counter, kissed him, and whispered about the ways he was going to hurt Dean when they got home. 

**Cas:** Look how pretty you are when I threaten you. Remember what I did to you that night? 

**Dean:** Yeah   
**Dean:** You’re such an asshole. Now i’m getting hard at work 

**Cas:** Interesting. 

He sends one of his favorite pictures of them, as far as pictures of them without their faces goes: Dean in pink lace, hard cock barely covered, Cas poised over him and striping the fabric with come.

**Dean:** Fuck you

**Cas:** I love you too.

 

**Cas:** I can’t wait to kiss you again.

 

**Cas:** I wish I was there.

 

**Cas:** Finally landed. I hope you’re sleeping but I’ll be home soon. 

Cas has never wanted to be among other humans less. Even the Lyft driver’s idle chit-chat has him vibrating with the nerve to lash out, to put his hands over his ears, to grind his teeth down to the raw nerves. He makes it to the apartment and then manages not to see anyone up the stairs and then he’s pulling off his clothes and climbing into bed with Dean. 

Cas has never wanted to be among other humans less, but somehow Dean doesn’t count, has become enough a part of him that pressing up against him is just as calming as if he was in bed alone.

“Missed you,” Dean mumbles, pulling Cas’s arm tighter around him. 

“I missed you too,” Cas says into his hair. “Even the way you smell.” 

Dean laughs sleepily. “That’s weird. Want me to get up?” 

“No. Sleep.” 

Even in the morning, Cas can’t stomach the idea of logging in to his email, much less replying, and he spends the day with his phone on silent except for Dean. Voicemails are sent and emails are received but all Cas sees is Dean texting  _ All I can think about is seeing you tonight. _

Cas is chugging coffee and back to writing when Dean gets home. He shoves Dean up against the wall and kisses him for a long time before Dean even makes it to the shower, and when he comes out Cas feeds him dinner. 

Cas is exhausted and his phone is still on DND but he lets Dean tuck up against him on the couch, pressing kisses into Cas’s neck and not asking for anything other than warmth and a beating heart. Cas loves him for it, that he doesn’t even ask for more about the trip, that he lets Cas recover some peace inside himself in relative silence. 

Dean is breathing deep in sleep against Cas’s shoulder when Cas finally shuts down his computer. “Bedtime, sweetheart,” he says, nudging Dean gently. 

“I want to stay with you.” 

“I’m coming too.” 

Dean kisses Cas’s shoulder over his t-shirt. “Sorry if I drooled on you.” 

“You’re already forgiven.” 

Dean smiles, and he’s strikingly beautiful, especially sleepy-eyed with skin glowing in the yellow light from the lamp. “I’m glad you’re home.” 

“I’ve been ignoring you.” 

“Nah. You’re just recovering. Or — did you not want me to touch you?” 

“I like when you touch me,” Cas says, smiling, and Dean keeps smiling back. “Let’s go.” 

When Dean’s alarm goes off the next morning, Cas fingers him into a sleepy orgasm and then washes his hair in the shower and lets Dean make both of them breakfast. 

 

Cas has never wanted to take care of someone before, and he’s never wanted someone to take care of him. But somehow, even when they are bickering about dumb things like dishes or important things like the uselessness of Joss Whedon, he’s extra-conscious of the ways they are doing their best for each other. He notices when Dean texts him something dumb to make him laugh on rough days. He notices every time Dean hands him the collar. He notices when Dean makes his favorite recipes, and he notices that Dean never asks how long until they’re going to actually fuck again, and he notices that Dean’s friends really have become his friends, if almost-daily texts from Charlie are anything to go by, and when his publisher asks if he wants a dedication page, he sends something that probably seems really stupid but that he can’t imagine regretting. 


	52. INTERLUDE #14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“It’s about edge witches in particular. The ones that exist in the in-between, sometimes temporally. If there is no such thing as time…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ever-lovely [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) and [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) helped me with this one :')

Cas is upside down on the couch when Dean comes home from the bar, and he breaks out into a grin immediately. “Gummy bears again?” Dean says.

“Brownie. You should have some and we can make out all night.” 

“Baby, you have that thing tomorrow.”

Cas scowls. “I guess you better cheer me up then.” 

“You know I’ll do anything when you pout like that.” 

“I’m not pouting.”

“You’re pouting,” Dean says, laughing. “Where’s the brownie?” 

Cas flips over and steals a kiss before grabbing it out of the drawer in the coffee table. “One bite. Just one.” 

“Oh, damn, that’s good.” 

“It’s vegan, too.” 

“Please don’t tell me you’re doing that now.” 

“I’m not doing that now,” Cas says, climbing into Dean’s lap to kiss him. 

It takes awhile for the weed to kick in, and then they’re kissing slow and deep and touching everywhere. It’s heavy and hot and so, so good, and Dean really could do it all night. 

Cas pulls Dean’s head back by the hair, smiling down at him. “Darling, how stoned are you?” 

“Very,” Dean says, grinning loopily. 

“Let me take you to bed and finger you until you beg to come.” 

Dean frowns. ”No, I don’t think so.” 

“I know you want to.” 

“Yeah, but it’s not right if it’s — you know, just me.” 

Cas sits back, no longer pressed close. “Oh. Ok.” 

“It’s not fair, right? Kind of a douchebag move.” 

“Not if I want to. And I want to.” 

“I just want to kiss you.” 

“Ok,” Cas says, smiling again and pulling Dean close by the hair. “Then kiss me.” 

It’s late when they finally make it to bed, and then they kiss for a long time there, too, Cas fitted in the V of Dean’s legs. “Dean,” Cas says when they’ve separated. “You could come with me. I bet if you tell Rufus your boyfriend’s going to be on tv, he would let you take off.” 

“You would want me there?” 

“Of course. Maybe I would be less — less nervous.” 

“I’ll call Rufus in the morning. He’s going to be annoyed, but you’re probably right.” 

 

“It’s about edge witches in particular. The ones that exist in the in-between, sometimes temporally. If there is no such thing as time…” Cas trails off, but Dean can finish it in his head anyway:  _ If there is no such thing as time, then we’re already there.  _ And Cas is probably thinking about Dean rolling his eyes and laughing when Cas says it — he glances towards Dean, as if he could see through the glare of the lights, and says instead, “I learned a lot from Granny Weatherwax. A real witch knows the difference between Right and Wrong. That’s what this book is about.” 

Dean grins. He knew he would like Cas a little bit too much when he saw the shelf full of Discworld books in Cas’s living room. 

The interviewer asks about how Cas writes and he says, “Mostly listening to music that annoys my boyfriend. And — constantly, when I can. I have a lot of stories to tell.” 

Cas glances towards Dean again and Dean doesn’t think Cas is even listening to the next question, but he answers in that weird, aloof way he always does in awkward social situations. There aren’t any more questions after that, and when Cas walks up to Dean, he’s shaking. 

“Hey,” Dean says. “You’re ok. You were awesome.” 

Cas closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Let’s go home.” 

They get stopped more than once for small talk and even an autograph on the way out, which shocks Cas speechless, and once they get to the car, Cas collapses into Dean’s arms. He’s still shaking, and he presses his forehead to Dean’s chest and gasps for breath. 

“Baby,” Dean says softly, rubbing his hand up and down Cas’s back. “Hey, breathe with me, ok? You’re ok. What do you need? Lunch? I know you didn’t eat this morning.” 

“I don’t want to stop. Let’s order something at home.” 

“Sure.” Dean kisses the top of Cas’s head and holds him tighter for a moment. “Get in the car.” 

Dean sings Creedence Clearwater Revival on the way home until Cas smiles and sings along. 

 

“Cas, why did you think you had to do that alone? You should’ve asked me to come before. I didn’t know it was going to be that hard for you.” 

“I didn’t either. Radio’s easy, but with that I get to stay home and don’t have to  _ look _ at anyone.” 

“No one could tell. You were awesome.” 

“You have to say that,” Cas says, rolling his eyes.

“You can’t tell me what to do.” 

Cas arches an eyebrow at him. “Really.” 

“Um,” Dean says, smiling. “I remember my safeword.” 

Cas laughs and kisses him and hugs him close afterwards, face pressed into Dean’s neck. “I don’t want that right now. Maybe later. And thank you for going with me.” 

“You called me your boyfriend on local tv. At least ten people saw that. Maybe as many as fifteen.” 

“Hannah’s trying to get me on NPR. I’ll call you my boyfriend on national radio if you’d like.” 

“I wouldn’t want to be swarmed by paparazzi,” Dean says. “Leave me out of your glamorous life of movie options and Ira Glass.” 

Cas smacks Dean on the shoulder. “I know you know that Ira Glass wouldn’t be the one to interview me.” 

“Yeah, you’re ok, but you’re no David Sedaris, so that makes sense.” 

Cas scowls, but it turns into a smile after just a moment. “I did legitimately like  _ Me Talk Pretty One Day.”  _

“Wait. CJ Milton, the biggest book snob I’ve ever met, liked  _ Me Talk Pretty One Day?”  _

Cas sniffs. “I’m not a snob. I just have good taste.” 

“You’re a total fucking snob, baby, but I love it.” 

Cas takes a couple more bites in silence and then says, “I wasn’t terrible?” 

“No, you were amazing. Seriously. If I hadn’t already read it, that would make me buy a copy.” 

“I was weird.” 

“Since when have you worried about that?” 

Cas frowns down at his plate. “I hate doing that kind of thing. Being — visible. I just want to write and be left alone.” 

“You know when I say you’re weird, I’m just teasing, right? Because you’re awesome. I’ve always thought that.” 

Cas looks up at him, blushing. “Thank you, Dean.” 

“Nothing to thank me for. It’s just the truth.” 

“Are you finished eating so I can kiss you?” 

Dean’s still got sesame chicken left, but he puts his plate on the coffee table and climbs into Cas’s lap. “I love you,” Cas says into the third or tenth kiss. “And I meant it. Thank you.” 

“Any time. Anything you need. I’m here, ok?” 

Kissing Cas is as good as it always is, a hot desert storm, and soon enough Dean’s achingly hard between them. “Let me,” Cas murmurs. 

“No, Cas. You know why not.” 

Cas grumbles but doesn’t push any further, instead just wrapping Dean up in kisses. No brownie this time, but they still kiss long enough that Dean’s hip starts to cramp, and then longer with Dean laid out on the couch and Cas straddling his thighs. 

“Take tomorrow off of work, too,” Cas says, kissing Dean’s forehead. 

“You know I can’t do that. You have writing to do anyway.” 

“It’s called  _ Billie.”  _

Dean smiles. “What’s it about?” 


	53. THAT FLAG WAS FLAPPING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas presses his hand over Dean’s mouth and nose. Dean groans into it, tightens around Cas. “You’re coming on my fingers or not at all,” Cas says._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some people named [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) and [suckerfordeantstents](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) looked at this for me :)

Dean’s barely in the door before Cas leaps off the couch and shoves him face-first into the wall. “Jesus, Cas!” Dean says, laughing, and Cas growls playfully in his ear. 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says. “We’ll talk about how your day at work was after I’ve made you beg and cry a bit.” 

“Really? Shit,” Dean says, and Cas can feel him shiver.

“If you’re amenable.” 

“One hundred percent amenable. But let me shower first.” 

“You’re sexy when you’re all dirty,” Cas says, nuzzling into the side of Dean’s neck. 

“I don’t smell sexy. Let me up, and you can shove me around when I get out.” 

Cas scowls but backs off. Dean stumbles away from the wall and grabs Cas’s hips, pulling him close again. “I’m glad to see you, baby.”

“I’m glad to see you, too. I’m joining you in the shower.” 

They help each other out of their clothes, taking far too long after pausing to kiss against the bathroom counter. “I’m going to fuck you so good,” Cas says against Dean’s mouth while they wait for the water to warm up, his hand sliding slowly down Dean’s stomach. 

“Not in the shower,” Dean says. 

“No, I think you should eat me out in the shower, and then I’ll fuck you in bed.” 

Dean licks his lips. “Ok, yeah, cool.” 

Cas washes Dean’s hair, and then Dean rubs soap all over Cas, and then he goes to his knees while Cas leans up against the wall. Dean has lost his shyness about this, doesn’t hesitate to spread Cas and go to work with his tongue. It’s so good — Dean learns so fast, and he never loses his enthusiasm to please Cas — that Cas has to stop him after just a few minutes. Cas hopes his legs aren’t trembling when he says, “On your knees next to the bed.” 

They dry off together, and then Dean is on his knees in record time, mouth opening to take in Cas’s cock. Cas grabs the hair on the back of Dean’s head and shoves him down until he gags and chokes. “Christ, I missed this,” Cas says, and then lets Dean off to pant for breath.

“Fuck, I’m out of practice,” Dean says, smiling. 

“Are you ok?” 

“Oh, yeah. I’m great.” 

“Open your mouth.” 

Dean parts his lips to let Cas back in. Cas grabs Dean’s head to guide him, pushing deep until Dean chokes again and then deeper once Dean starts to relax. “Just like that, sweetheart,” Cas says, watching as Dean’s eyes start to tear up. 

“You’re such a good boy,” Cas says, loving the way Dean’s cheeks turn pink. “I’m going to come in your mouth, ok?” 

Dean clenches his fingers on Cas’s hip the way he does when he wants more. Cas fucks into his willing throat harder, coming when Dean swallows around the head of his cock three times in a row, tears running over his cheekbones. 

Dean comes off gasping and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Holy shit, that was awesome.” 

Cas strokes Dean’s hair out of his face and smiles. “Yes, it was. Thank you. Get in bed and I’ll take care of you.” 

Dean’s knees crack as he stands, and Cas frowns. “Was that too long?” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “You know they always do that. Relax.” 

“Don’t tell me what to do.” 

“Sorry, baby,” Dean says, grinning and falling backwards into bed. 

Cas follows between his legs. “I certainly hope you aren’t being cheeky.” 

“Not at all. Come on, come kiss me.” 

“I do like when you taste like my come,” Cas says and leans up to have his mouth. 

“What are you going to do to me?” Dean says, eyes dark but still smiling. 

“You don’t need to know the answer to that,” Cas says, but he reaches for the lube, which gives it away easy enough. 

Dean bites at his lip as Cas slides the first finger in, and then lets Cas bite at his lip when the second goes in. Cas says, “Have you been fingering yourself? I’m not sure when you’d have time, but I’m also not sure you could live without it.” 

“No,” Dean says, riding down on Cas’s hand. “I haven’t.” 

“Mm, so it’s been awhile,” Cas says, smiling down at him. 

Dean whines and gasps and is so beautiful when he’s wanting, especially when he’s wanting something he used to be afraid of. “I should’ve waited so I could fuck you,” Cas says. “But Christ, your mouth is good.” 

Dean moans and Cas kisses the tear tracks on his cheeks. Cas waits way longer than necessary to give him a third finger, waits until he whimpers and begs —  _ Please Cas, please.  _ Cas has mostly just been playing with him so far, but now he slides his fingers as deep as he can, twists his wrist in the way that makes Dean’s knees tighten around his hips. 

Cas sits back on his heels to watch his fingers moving in and out of Dean. He wonders, not for the first time, how much more Dean could take and still love it. “Tell me when you’re close,” Cas says, and  _ rubs  _ in the way that makes Dean unashamedly loud, back bowing off the bed. 

“Fuck, fuck, Cas — close,” Dean gasps. 

Cas presses his hand over Dean’s mouth and nose. Dean groans into it, tightens around Cas. “You’re coming on my fingers or not at all,” Cas says. 

Cas loves to make Dean feel good, and Dean feels good when he can’t breathe. But even more, Cas feels so overwhelmingly powerful in Dean’s trust in him. He’s done a lot of things to a lot of people, but no one ever made him feel like this. It’s intoxicating, the way Dean keeps giving until he runs out of things to give. 

It takes long enough that Dean’s eyes start to water again and Cas almost pulls his hand away, but then Dean cries out, muffled against Cas’s skin, and comes messy between them. Cas lets him breathe but keeps fucking him with his fingers, slowly now, while Dean gasps for air. 

“Good boy,” Cas says, and loves the way it puts an instant smile on Dean’s face. 

Dean whimpers when Cas pulls his fingers out, and then he whimpers again when Cas kisses him. “I love you,” Cas says quietly. 

“I love you too,” Dean says. “That was really fucking good.” 

“Yes, it was. Don’t move; I don’t want you getting come all over the bed again.” 

“Dude, why do you always blame that on me?” 

“Because it’s usually yours.” 

Despite all of Dean’s smart talking, he always tries to do what Cas asks, and he’s in the same position Cas left him in when Cas returns with a washcloth. “Good boy,” Cas says, and Dean lets himself be maneuvered for Cas to wipe him down. 

Back in the bed, Cas pulls Dean into his arms and nuzzles close to kiss him. “So,” Cas says. “How was work?” 

 

“I’m fine.” 

“Are you still having side effects?” 

“It’s getting better.” 

“How are the auditory hallucinations?” 

“They don’t bother me.” 

“Does that mean you aren’t having them anymore?” 

“Sometimes yes, sometimes no.” 

“I had hoped the mood stabilizer would help with that, but I think at this point we should talk about anti-psychotics. There’s an atypical anti-psychotic I think could be helpful to you.” 

“Ok.” 

“We’ll start with 15 milligrams. Eat something and take it in the morning. Same pharmacy?” 

“Yes.” 

“I’ll see you back in two weeks.” 

 

“Did you see the doctor today?” Dean says, Cas hugged tight against his chest.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“That’s ok.” Dean kisses his forehead, strokes a hand through his hair. “Garth tried to tell us again today that the moon landing was faked.” 

“That flag was flapping, Dean,” Cas says. “He’s not wrong.” 

Dean laughs and shoves Cas over on his back to kiss him, and from somewhere outside of Cas, the bells are still ringing. 


	54. NEUTRALLY PHRASED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _**Dean:** You asshole. Why didn’t you tell me you were doing that? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) and [suckerfordeanstents](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) looked at this one for me.
> 
> +++i was told the constant emails were not annoying at least some of you, so have another chapter. :shrug:

Dean sees the box on the kitchen table as soon as he walks in. “Holy shit, seriously? Wow.” He pulls one of the books out, strokes his hand over the slick cover. “I know you were worried about the cover, but you like it, right? It looks awesome.” 

Cas gets up from the couch to stand next to Dean, frowning into the box. “Yes, they turned out ok.” 

Dean flips the book over to read the summary on the back. “They didn’t talk you into a picture yet, huh?” 

“Absolutely not.” 

“This is really fucking cool, Cas. You know I’m going to read it again.” 

Dean starts to flip it open, but Cas pulls it out of his hands and puts it back in the box. “Dinner first.” 

“Bossy,” Dean says, smiling and pressing a quick kiss against Cas’s mouth. “Gimme a minute to shower. I’m pretty hungry so you are  _ not  _ coming along.” 

Cas is quiet at dinner. “Hey,” Dean says, nudging his knee against Cas’s. “You’re being weird. Are you nervous about the book?” 

“Yes,” Cas says, not meeting Dean’s eyes. 

“Do you want me to distract you after dinner?” 

“I’m going out for a bit. A drive or something.” 

“Oh,” Dean says, pulling back. “I’m guessing you don’t want me coming with you.” 

“I just need to be alone with my thoughts for a bit.” 

“Ok. I’ll take care of the kitchen. Be careful.” 

Now Dean is nervous. He sits down alone on the couch with a beer, staring blankly at the tv. Eventually he gets restless and stands up to grab one of the copies of  _ Familiar  _ off the table. 

The cover is perfect, a figure disappearing into the mist with electricity poles overhead. Dean rubs his fingertips over the embossed edges of Cas’s name. “Holy shit,” he whispers to himself. For Dean’s sanity, he mostly lets himself forget that he’s living with an “up and coming voice in American literature,” but in moments like this, it’s impossible to forget. 

Dean doesn’t know why books these days have at least three title pages, but he inspects every one of them, runs his finger over the  _ Also by CJ Milton _ list. Cas has never had a dedication page before, so Dean is surprised to see it even before he’s read the words, and then he’s gaping open-mouthed, and he realizes distantly that  _ this  _ is what Cas was afraid of.

_ To Dean. In an infinite universe where anything could happen, I met you.  _

**Dean:** You asshole. Why didn’t you tell me you were doing that? 

It’s a couple minutes later before a reply comes in and Dean can only hope that means Cas isn’t trying to text while driving. 

**Cas:** I apologize. It didn’t occur to me that you might not have wanted me to use your name. I should’ve asked. 

**Dean:** That’s not what I meant. Get back here

Cas looks at Dean when he first comes in the door, then away again. “Hey, come here,” Dean says. 

Cas sits next to Dean stiffly. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry. I just can’t believe — I mean, are you punking me? You got one printed like this and the others are different?” 

“Of course not.” 

“I wish I had a book I could dedicate to you,” Dean says.

“You could always dedicate a car to me.” 

“‘This oil change is for Castiel, the love of my life.’” Dean touches Cas’s face, kisses him softly. “I have never done something good enough to deserve you.” 

“You’re not angry?” 

“I don’t know why you would want to publicly connect yourself to an idiot like me but — no, I’m not mad. I’m, like. Jesus, is this real?” 

Cas smiles, almost shyly, but covers it up by saying, “At least one of us needs to be able to keep track of reality, and I’ve been assuming all along it’s you.” 

“Ok, I’ll try to keep it together. Just, please tell me I can fuck you tonight.” 

“You can fuck me tonight.” 

Dean grins and slides his hand into Cas’s hair to pull him into a hungry kiss. “Now?” 

“Whenever you want.” 

“Yeah, now.” Dean stands up and pulls Cas to his feet by the hands, then pushes him down the hall. “Clothes off. Face down, ass up.” 

Cas glares over his shoulder but pulls his shirt off once Dean stops crowding him forward. “You’ve never been bossy before.”

“My successful novelist boyfriend has never declared his love for me in his newest book before.” 

“I didn’t say anything about love. It was very neutrally phrased, actually.” 

Dean laughs against the side of Cas’s neck. “My bad. My successful novelist boyfriend has never said anything neutral about me in his newest book before.” 

Dean slides his hands around Cas’s sides to undo the button on his jeans. Cas wiggles his hips to help Dean pull them off, humming happily as Dean kisses up his neck. “Don’t run from me,” Dean says. “You don’t ever have to run from me.” 

“I shouldn’t have,” Cas says. He’s soft and warm in Dean’s arms a little longer before pulling away and crawling onto the bed.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” Dean says, rushing to get out of his clothes and follow Cas. 

Cas passes the lube backwards. Dean slides one finger into him, and then two, kissing up Cas’s back. “Fuck,” Cas whispers. “We don’t do this enough.”

“Well, I’m not giving anything up, so we’ll have to fuck twice as often.”

Cas’s laugh turns into a gasp when Dean replaces his fingers with his cock. “Good, baby?” Dean says against Cas’s ear. 

“It will be if you fuck me like you mean it.” 

“You’re such an asshole,” Dean says, grabbing Cas by the hips to jerk him back into the next thrust. 

“Yes, that’s very good,” Cas says, all smug about it like usual. 

Dean puts his hand between Cas’s shoulder blades and pushes him down. The change in angle makes Cas moan, and he gets louder when Dean fucks him hard enough that Cas has to brace an arm against the headboard. Cas reaches his other arm back to grab Dean’s hip and says, “Come for me.” 

Dean usually does whatever Cas tells him, and an orgasm is ripped out of him. It’s different like this, a punch in the gut, instead of the slow cresting wave, deep and intense, when Cas fucks him. 

Dean presses his forehead to Cas’s back, panting. “When was the last time I told you,” Cas says, his breath harsh, too, “how much I love your cock?” 

“Dunno.” 

“What about how much I love your mouth? I’d like to do a comparison study.” 

“A comparison study,” Dean repeats, pulling out slowly. Every time, the sight of his come leaking out of Cas makes something burn under his skin. He rubs his fingers over Cas’s hole, just briefly. 

“That means you’re going to suck my cock,” Cas says, squirming out from under Dean to flip over on his back. 

“Cool,” Dean says, and then he swallows Cas down. 

Cas clenches his hand in Dean’s hair but doesn’t make any move to guide him, so Dean just takes him slow, wrings an orgasm out of Cas that leaves him tremoring in its wake. “Was that good at least?” Dean says, kissing his way up Cas’s stomach. 

Cas pulls him in for a kiss and says, “It was all good.” 

Dean grins and curls up against Cas’s side, head on his shoulder. “You dedicated your book to me.” 

“I did.” 

“You really love me,” Dean says, still smiling. 

“I do.” 

“I’ll think of something to dedicate to you.” 

“I don’t require any grand gestures. I just want you here.” 

“I’ll think of something.” 

Cas squeezes Dean tight, kisses his forehead. Dean listens to the slowing gallop of Cas’s heart for a long time before saying, “The infinite universe thing. I’m really glad I met you, too.” 


	55. PLANT LIVES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _That’s what started this whole thing — a picture of Dean bent over with his arms cuffed behind his back from several weeks before — and as soon as he got home, he dropped the collar in Cas’s hands. Cas bound him in the new brown leather cuffs, held on to the chain for leverage while he fucked Dean hoarse. One of them must’ve been on too tight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) did a lovely beta thing for me and [suckerfordeanstents](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) is responsible for much of this and i also may have plagiarized some of her words. 
> 
> seems like the last time i published was in the cretaceous period!!
> 
> omg i forgot this chapter would make it hit 100k. save me from myself!!!

Cas is already up, typing on the couch, and Dean holds his arm out to him silently. 

“Oh, shit,” Cas says. “Fuck. I’m sorry, I tried to be careful.” 

Dean wants to be mad, but he’s always liked tangible reminders of Cas, and the bruise around his wrist doesn’t really feel any different. “At least it’s not 105 out. I can get away with sleeves. I mean, it’s not your fault — I was there too.”

“I know, but I should’ve known. It’s my job to take care of you. I’m sorry.” Cas pulls Dean towards him by the hand and kisses the inside of his wrist. “Let me make it up to you. I’ll bring you lunch. Unless you don’t want them to know.” 

“I’m not giving everyone updates about my love life, but you’re not a secret. Not with anyone.” Cas gives a small, pleased smile, and Dean leans down to kiss him. “If this is an apology lunch, you better bring something good.” 

“Something good, I promise. Noon?” 

“Yeah, that works. Shower?” 

“No, I’m flowing.” 

“Ok, ok. Go forth and flow.” 

On the way out, Dean kisses Cas through a haze of smoke. “Love you, baby.” 

“You too. See you in a bit.” 

 

Cas brings Dean a burger and fries, just the right amount of grease, and Baby Greens for himself. Chuck gushes about  _ Familiar _ until Jo throws a pen and tells him to get back to work, and Dean can tell Cas is waiting to see what he’ll do, so he puts a hand on Cas’s neck, kisses him briefly. “Thank you for coming. Let’s go outside.” 

Dean leads Cas to the picnic table behind the shop and they settle in to eat. Dean says, “You know vegetables are dead when you eat them too, right?” 

Cas rolls his eyes. “You’ve mentioned it before.” 

“So you prioritize animal lives over plant lives?” 

Cas laughs and smacks Dean in the shoulder across the table. “Behave.” 

“You thought I was good last night,” Dean says, smirking, and Cas gives him that look Dean loves, the one where he’s keeping a tally of Dean’s bad behavior to punish him for later. 

“It never lasts long with you,” Cas says. 

“Come on. You’re supposed to be apologizing. Everyone’s been looking at me funny about the sleeves, by the way.” 

“Fuck,” Cas says. “I really am sorry for that. I’m such a dick.” 

“You’re not,” Dean says, bumping his knee against Cas’s under the table. “Well, sometimes you are. But this isn’t one of those times.” 

Cas looks up at Dean, and then at his arm. “Can I see it?” 

“Um, sure.” 

Dean unbuttons the cuff of his shirt and peels it back. Cas touches the band on the inside of Dean’s wrist and says, “This is a terrible thing to says, but I like it.” 

Dean blushes and ducks his head. “Me too, a little bit.” 

Cas pulls Dean’s shirt back down to cover the mark and buttons the cuff carefully. “I wish I could put fingerprints on your neck,” Cas says, his gaze drifting upwards, “and your face.” 

Dean glances over Cas’s shoulder to make sure there’s no one around to hear them and swallows thickly. “Yeah?” 

“I want everyone to know you’re mine.” 

“They do,” Dean says, smiling. “I might as well have a neon sign.” 

“That’s true. You lack subtlety.” Dean laughs and throws a fry at Cas. “Why haven’t I ever visited you here before?” 

“Dunno. You never wanted to.” 

“Can I bring you lunch tomorrow?” 

“Is it going to be good?” 

“Yes. You know what else is going to be good?” 

“What?” 

“You, for me, tonight, while I hit you.” 

Dean glances over Cas’s shoulder again and says, “Cas, don’t get me all worked up at work.” 

“You’re always all worked up.” 

“Yeah, because you send me pictures and shit all the time. Someone’s going to see one of these days.” 

Cas smirks. “They shouldn’t be so nosey.” 

“I liked the one you sent yesterday,” Dean says. That’s what started this whole thing — a picture of Dean bent over with his arms cuffed behind his back from several weeks before — and as soon as he got home, he dropped the collar in Cas’s hands. Cas bound him in the new brown leather cuffs, held on to the chain for leverage while he fucked Dean hoarse. One of them must’ve been on too tight.

“I know you did. You thought about it all day.” 

“Don’t send me any today, ok?” 

“Ok,” Cas says, but he grabs Dean’s phone and thumbs it open. “I’m not sending you anything, but you might want to look at —” 

Dean snatches the phone out of Cas’s hands, glaring, but not before he sees his favorite picture of Cas, taken while Dean was on his knees with Cas’s hand petting through his hair. It’s not as explicit as the ones Cas usually sends — his cock isn’t even visible — but every time Dean sees it, he’s hit hard with a sense memory of Cas shoved down his throat. 

“ _ That  _ was a dick move,” Dean says. 

“I’ll blow you in my car.” 

“No thanks. I have to get back.” 

Dean kisses Cas again in the sunshine outside the garage, Jo cheering obnoxiously from the doorway. 

  
Cas doesn’t send any pictures, but not too long before Dean leaves work, he gets a text:

**Cas:** You should already know this, but you’re sucking my cock as soon as you get home.

Dean tells himself he’s not hurrying on the drive, but he’s hurrying, and he takes the stairs two at a time.

Cas is on the couch stroking himself when Dean turns the lock. Dean kicks off his boots and then goes to his knees, swallows Cas down without even a  _ hello _ . Cas jerks one hand in Dean’s hair, stroking his thumb over a grease mark on Dean’s cheek. “Good boy,” Cas says, and Dean’s entire body hums in pleasure. “Make me come.”

Dean has timed it and with  _ full efforts, _ he can have Cas coming in his mouth in eight minutes. Cas doesn’t give him a chance to show off his tricks, though, but shoves Dean down by the back of the head until he chokes. “You like that, don’t you?” Cas says, holding him down. “My pretty whore.” 

Dean moans and squeezes Cas’s thighs, doesn’t fight when Cas thrusts upwards. “Christ, Dean. I love you.” 

Cas lets him up and doesn’t force anything else, just lets Dean suck him wet and sloppy. Cas doesn’t move all the way up until just before he comes, and then he holds Dean down again and gushes hot down his throat. 

Dean sucks him clean and then lays his head on Cas’s bare thigh, panting. Cas smiles and says, “Thank you, sweetheart. How hungry are you?” 

“Depends on what you’re thinking about doing instead of having dinner.”

“Hmm,” Cas says, petting his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Take a shower and we’ll reconvene on the topic afterwards.”

“You’re such a fucking dork,” Dean says, knees cracking as he stands. “But yes, sir.” 

Before Dean can turn, Cas grabs his wrist, stands, and smacks him across the face. “You don’t want to know what will happen to you if you don’t behave tonight.” 

“Ok,” Dean says. “I’m sorry.” 

Cas hits Dean again and then kisses him. “I’m happy to see you.” 

“I’m happy to see you, too,” Dean says, grinning. “And I’ll be good tonight. I promise.” 

 

Dean is usually the one to bring out the collar, but this time Cas is waiting in the bed with it in his hands when Dean gets out of the shower. Cas stands to meet him, and as soon as the collar is buckled, he smacks Dean across the face. “Do you remember your safeword?”

Dean nods. 

“You can speak as long as you’re not being a brat,” Cas says, and then hits him again. 

Cas pulls the towel out of Dean’s hands and crowds him back towards the bed. “On your back.” 

Cas disappears into the closet while Dean settles, and he’s still out of view when he says, “Close your eyes.” 

It doesn’t even occur to Dean not to obey, and then Cas is sliding a blindfold over his eyes. “Can you see?” 

“No,” Dean says. 

Cas hits him and Dean whines for more. Cas hits him again twice, then pushes his legs open. “I have a present for you.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes,” Cas says.

The lube bottle pops open, and then Cas has two fingers in Dean at once. Dean whines and Cas hits him and pulls his fingers out after just a few strokes more. Dean mostly expects Cas’s cock next, but instead it’s cold and rigid. It’s not the glass plugs Cas has bought him before, and it’s not the weird weighted one, either. It settles snug inside him and Dean shifts to feel the pull of it. 

“Are you ready?” Cas says.

“For what?” 

There’s a click, and then a buzzing lighting Dean up from the inside. “Holy shit!” 

Cas laughs a little. “You like it? Or is it too much?” 

Dean takes a shaky breath. “I like it.” 

“Good.” 

Cas smacks Dean’s face and then nuzzles into his collarbone to kiss and bite his way downwards. When his teeth pull at Dean’s nipple, Dean’s hand goes into his hair and squeezes. He wishes he could see the pleased smile Cas has when he’s making Dean feel good. 

Cas takes turns on Dean’s nipples, biting until Dean’s back arches off the bed and then soothing with his tongue. “Cas,” Dean whispers. 

“Yes, darling?” Cas says.

There’s another click and the vibrations get stronger, making Dean whimper and shiver. “It’s — good.” 

“I know it is,” Cas says, squeezing Dean’s hard and weeping cock. 

“Don’t tease me,” Dean whines. 

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Cas says, but then his tongue is running slow, flat, wet, up the underside of Dean’s cock, making him gasp.

Click, and the vibrations intensify again as Cas slides his mouth over Dean’s cock. “Fuck,” Dean says, arching into Cas’s mouth.

Cas doesn’t reprimand. Instead, his hand finds Dean’s so their fingers clench together, urging him to fuck up into Cas’s mouth. Every twitch of his hips shifts the toy, makes it press deliciously inside him, and the slide of Cas’s lips and tongue are their own kind of delicious torture. 

“Can I — oh, fuck, can I come?” 

Cas tightens his hold on Dean’s hand and grazes his teeth just under the head of Dean’s cock. Maybe it’s the threat of the gesture more than the actual sensation, but Dean comes with his legs tensing at Cas’s sides, crying out. 

Cas shuts off the vibrator before it gets to be too much, and then he pulls the plug out of Dean slowly. Cas tosses it — soft thunk, and then the sound of it rolling towards the bed a bit — and kisses his way up Dean’s body to his mouth. 

“Thank you,” Cas says. “You’re beautiful.” 

“Can I look at you again yet?” 

Dean’s not sure how, but he can feel Cas’s smile like sunshine on his skin. “I suppose so.” 

The blindfold comes off and Dean blinks up into the light, smiling back at Cas. Cas kisses him once more, quick and soft, and then curls up at Dean’s side, head on his shoulder. Cas says, “Can I nap a bit before dinner?” 

“Yeah, of course. Sit up for a sec.” 

Cas leans up so Dean can wrap an arm around him, pull him close. Cas relaxes into sleep a few minutes later, Dean’s hand rubbing absently up and down his back. Dean is considering a nap himself when his phone dings.

**Gabe:** How’s Cas? 

**Dean:** Good. Better I think   
**Dean:** We still on for Weds? 

**Gabe:** You know he doesn’t want us to meet because we’ll gang up on him. Glad to hear he’s doing ok. 

“Who’s so important for you to be texting right now?” Cas mumbles. “You’re moving too much.” 

Dean laughs softly, types real quick:  _ See you then.  _ “Sorry, baby, I’m done.” 

“I’m sorry about your wrist. I would understand if you were angry.” 

“I’m not mad, Cas. It’s inconvenient because — it’s not like I want everyone in the world to know what we do in private, you know? But like I said, I was there too. It’s not your fault.” 

Cas touches Dean’s hand and holds it up to inspect his wrist. “Bruises look very pretty on you. Sometimes I do want to show people how good you are for me.” 

Dean’s glad Cas isn’t looking to see him blushing. “Yeah, but — that’s just for you.” 

Cas  _ hmm _ s into Dean’s neck. “That’s true. I like that even better.” 

“Are you awake now?” 

“I heard your stomach growling.” 

“And yet sleeping beauty slept on while his prince withered away.” 

“You’re getting very close to earning a punishment.” 

Dean grins up at the ceiling. “So I should continue to talk about how I’m dying of malnutrition while you peacefully slumber.” 

Cas pinches Dean’s hip, hard enough for Dean to yelp. “You know I’ll always take care of you.” 

“I know, I know.” 

“And you’re wearing this until morning,” Cas says, tugging on the collar. 

Dean swallows. “Ok. Cool.” 

“You’re going to make me come tomorrow. However you want before you leave for work.”

“Ok,” Dean says, nodding. 

“I’ll have my cock in you tonight. Maybe more than once.” 

Dean keeps nodding. 

Cas sits up on an elbow to look down at him. “What else should I have you do for me tonight?” 

“Um,” Dean says, trying to decide if this is a trick question. “Sometimes you like me to rub your shoulders when you’re writing.” 

“Yes, I do,” Cas says, smiling. 

“Sometimes you like to feed me.” 

“That too.” 

“You like to watch foreign soap operas and pretend they aren’t soap operas. I won’t even complain about it.” 

Cas quirks an eyebrow. “Is that the same way you pretend Dr. Sexy isn’t a soap opera?” 

“That was a low blow.” 

Cas kisses him, slow and deep. “Clean up. Put on the navy panties. Meet me in the kitchen.” 

Watching Cas cover up with clothes is as depressing as it always is, and it makes Dean even shyer to be in nothing but panties while Cas is mostly dressed, but Cas stares at him so long, biting his lip, that Dean decides to ignore his own bashfulness for tonight. The collar means Cas thinks he’s beautiful, wants to take care of him. 

It’s a perfect night, and after Cas comes riding Dean’s cock in the morning, he carefully buttons Dean’s sleeves closed at the wrist. 


	56. OBSESSED ADDICTED CONSUMED POSSESSED DEVOTED IMPASSIONED FIXATED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He’s got a lifetime of not being good enough behind him, and the idea of not being good enough for Cas stabs and twists._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) provided the manny joke and talks a lot of shit on my comma usage. [suckerforcas5tents2ftdeep](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) and [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) also looked at this for me. 
> 
> AND!!!!! THE AMAZING [PIMENTOGIRL](http://pimentogirl.tumblr.com) MADE ART!!!!!!! which inspired part of this chapter!! it's embedded in the chapter below or [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14320641) to see it!!!!

“I don’t know if I ever made it clear to you,” Cas says, conversationally, on the ride home from a visit with Gabe. Cas is still annoyed by how well Dean and Gabe get along, but he seems to be coming to accept it. “But you could always hit me if you wanted.”

Dean nearly drives his car into a ditch. “Can you repeat that?”

“If you wanted to try doing it the other way around.”

“Like me — dominating you?”

“Yes.”

Dean doesn’t look away from the road. “Is that something you’ve been wanting?”

Cas is quiet for a moment. “I’m not sure how I want to phrase this, because I’m sincere that we could do it if you wanted. But no, I haven’t been wanting it specifically.”

“Do you like it?”

“Again, I’m not sure how I want to phrase this,” Cas says. “I’m neutral about it, and it wouldn’t be a hardship if you wanted to see if you like it.” 

Dean glances over at Cas, and Cas gives him a big smile. “Yeah, ok. We could try.” 

 

“Do you want me to wear your collar?” 

Dean stares blankly as Cas strips off his shirt and then says quietly, “No.” 

Cas pushes his jeans off, too, and waits while Dean just looks at him. 

“Um,” Dean says, “where do you like to be hit?” 

“Wherever you want, really. If you stumble on something I don’t like, I’ll tell you.” 

Dean brushes his fingertips down Cas’s cheek, thinking about slapping him, wondering if he’ll react the same way Dean does, like he’s never wanted anything more. 

Dean’s throat squeezes closed. Of course he hasn’t been giving Cas what Cas wants. 

Cas leans into his touch, smiling at Dean in this affectionately curious way like he’s not sure what to expect of Dean. “Here?” Dean says, hand still on his cheek. 

“Yes.” 

Dean takes a shallow breath and slaps Cas, light enough that Cas’s cheek doesn’t even turn pink, and then a little harder. Cas gasps but is otherwise silent. 

Dean raises his hand and then drops it again, his mouth a flat line. “I’m sorry, Cas. I can’t.” 

“Can’t what?” Cas says, that curious tilt still clinging to his lips. 

“Hurt you.” Dean squeezes his eyes closed, takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I can’t.” 

“Ok,” Cas says, and there’s nothing like disappointment in his voice. Dean peeks up at him. Cas is smiling, and he steps close to kiss Dean and says, “I need your help with something else anyway.” 

 

Cas is sitting on the counter, feet swinging, while Dean pours ingredients into the mixing bowl. “So when you said you needed my help,” Dean says, “you meant you wanted to sit and watch while I did it.” 

“You’re doing very well. You’re a much more competent baker than I am.” 

“I can’t believe — vegan cookies, Cas?” Dean turns on the mixer, trying not to let himself smile. “For your ex-fuckbuddy?” 

Cas hops off the counter and reaches to turn off the mixer. “Are you upset?” 

“No, I’m just teasing,” Dean says, letting his smile out. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, baby. Unless you weren’t going to invite me to the party thing.” 

“Of course you’re invited. You’re always invited.” 

“Do you think she would feel weird with me there? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or whatever.”

“There’s nothing for her to feel weird about. She likes you. She’s happy for us.” Cas presses a kiss to the corner of Dean’s mouth. “You know when we slept with her was the last time I was with her, right? She knew I was in love with you.” 

Dean smiles down into the bowl. “Were you?” 

“Obviously.”

“Me too. I hated that I — wasn’t enough for you.” 

“Dean,” Cas says, very seriously. “You have never not been enough for me. I thought you would enjoy it, and I wanted to make you happy. That’s all.”

“And you were afraid that I was going to go back to women at any second.” 

Cas frowns. “Fine. A little bit of that, too.” 

“I stopped thinking about anyone else when I met you.” 

Cas looks down at Dean’s mouth, then back up at his eyes. “I imagine so.” 

“You’re such a little shit,” Dean says, laughing and pushing Cas against the counter with his hips, floured handprints on Cas’s t-shirt. 

“Oh, so you’re not obsessed with my cock?” 

“Obsessed is a strong word,” Dean says against his mouth. 

“Addicted,” Cas says in between hot kisses. “Consumed. Possessed. Devoted. Impassioned. Fixated.”

“Maybe some of those,” Dean says. “Are you going to fuck me on the table again? That was fun.” 

“Once the cookies go to chill.”

“I hate you,” Dean says, still pressing Cas into the counter. 

“You love me.” 

“Yeah, usually.”

“So finish with your baking, and I’ll fuck you so good you see stars.”

“ _ My  _ baking?”

_ “Your  _ baking. Be a good boy.” 

“That’s really mean, Cas. Don’t use that against me.” 

Cas kisses him, humming into it. “I’ll do what I please, and so will you.” 

“Fine.” Dean goes back to the batter, poking at it with a spatula. “If this is ruined, it’s your fault.” 

“You kissed me first.” 

“You tricked me, just like with making these goddamn cookies.” 

Cas tucks up against Dean’s back, kissing his neck. “Hurry up so I can have you.” 

“You can have me any time, asshole.” 

“Keep working. I’ll be back.” Cas squeezes Dean’s ass and then he’s gone, bare feet quiet on the floors. 

Dean works quickly without distraction, humming aimlessly, and it’s just as he’s putting the bowl into the fridge that Cas comes back in. Dean turns to meet him, smiling, and Cas smacks him across the face, grabs him by the throat, and shoves him stumbling backwards towards the table. 

Cas pulls Dean’s shirt off and then practically tosses him onto the table, going for his jeans next. “Jesus,” Dean says as Cas jerks them, and then his boxers, down his thighs. “Sometimes I forget how strong you are.”

“I should remind you more often,” Cas says, his hand running up Dean’s stomach and chest back to his neck. He squeezes lightly, maybe a promise, then pulls away to slick up. “I think tonight’s a night where you come on my cock or not at all. And you won’t pout about it.” 

“Yeah,” Dean says, whimpering when Cas presses his cock, hard and wet, against Dean’s hole.

“Ok?” 

“Hell yeah.” Dean reaches for Cas, hooking his ankles around Cas’s back, and Cas indulges him in a kiss as he pushes in. 

It’s a gaspingly intense stretch, and a shudder runs through Dean. “Mm,” Cas says, “you like that.”

Dean’s thighs tighten around Cas’s hips when Cas is all the way in him. Cas smiles, smacks Dean across the face, and then jerks his head back by the hair, bending to dig his teeth into Dean’s neck and then murmur, “I’m going to hurt you.”

“Please,” Dean says, and Cas pulls harder at his hair. 

“What do you want?” 

“Hit me, and — oh, fuck, harder.” 

Cas is smiling and predatory when he pulls Dean just off the edge of the table to fuck him the way that makes Dean get loud, fingers clenched white on the edge of the table, Cas hitting him every time his eyes flutter closed. “Stay with me,” Cas says. “Are you going to come?” 

Dean nods frantically, reaching up to grab one of Cas’s wrists, squeezing. Cas jerks at his hips again, adjusting the angle, and Dean says, “Oh, fuck, fuck —” 

Cas flicks the head of Dean’s cock with a fingernail, three times, and Dean comes hard enough that he’s shaking once it passes through him. “Look at that,” Cas says, swiping a finger through Dean’s mess and pressing it against his lips. “You’ve been good, so you pick. Am I coming in you or on your face?” 

“Please,” Dean says, trying to catch his breath. “In me.” 

Cas hits Dean across the face, smearing come across Dean’s cheek, and then shoves his first two fingers into Dean’s mouth to suck. “Good boy.” 

When it’s like this, the kind of fuck that Dean is feeling for days, the kind that leaves bruises, everything zeroes in on Cas, freediving. Bare, he feels Cas getting harder and swollen right before he comes. 

Cas leans down to nuzzle against Dean’s flaming cheek, grinding slick inside him. “Probably should put the cookies in,” Cas says. 

Dean laughs breathlessly. “That’s what you’re saying to me right now? Really?” 

“I’ll do it. Go clean up.” 

 

“I’m sorry that I disappointed you,” Dean says, once the lights are out and he doesn’t have to look at Cas. He feels Cas’s arm tighten around him, though.

“When? How?” 

“That I couldn’t — I couldn’t do what you wanted.” 

“I’m not disappointed at all. I thought perhaps you would like to try. I don’t mind it, and I like making you happy. But it doesn’t excite me the way it does you. I don’t jerk off thinking about you hitting me.”

Dean flushes red with shame, and somehow Cas must know, because he kisses Dean’s forehead. “Dean, I love how much you love it. I jerk off thinking about how pretty you are when you cry. I wish you could see yourself like I do.” 

“Are you sure? Maybe I could…” Dean’s not sure how to finish, because hurting Cas makes his stomach churn. But he’s got a lifetime of not being good enough behind him, and the idea of not being good enough for Cas stabs and twists. 

Cas tilts Dean’s chin up to kiss his mouth. “Stop that. I wouldn’t have brought it up if I knew you would end up feeling badly. You’ve never disappointed me.” 

Dean swallows and says again. “Are you sure?” 

“Absolutely, one hundred percent. Gentle missionary with blowjobs on holidays, remember?” 

Dean snorts. “Can I negotiate for once-a-month blowjobs?” 

“The board will take it under consideration.” 

“Sorry I ate so many cookies.” 

 

Dean stumbles into bed, leaving his jeans for Cas to pull off him. Cas rolls his eyes but doesn’t actually complain, so Dean considers that a win. 

Cas is naked, too, soon enough, and then he climbs into bed with Dean, hugging him close. “I saw Manny make you plenty of drinks.” 

“Mmm,” Dean says, turning to press his face into Cas’s neck. “He looks like you a little.” 

Cas runs his hand slowly up and down Dean’s back. “Oh? He has a huge cock, too. You would love it.” 

Dean blinks, a little more awake. “You have experience in that department?” 

“Indeed I do. He wasn’t very good, really. Maybe he’s better topping.” 

Dean snorts. “You ever think that about me? That I wasn’t very good.” 

“Yes, sweetheart. You’re so bad I kept coming back. For over two years now.” 

“Shut up,” Dean says, but just squeezes Cas tighter. 

“You would probably like it, though, a dick like his. At least until he tried to use it.” 

“Jesus, you’re such an asshole,” Dean says, laughing and grabbing Cas’s hand, pushing it over the swell of his ass. “Don’t you wanna fuck me?” 

“You’re pretty drunk and half-asleep.” 

“I still want you.” 

“Oh?” Cas says, pressing a fingertip against Dean’s hole. 

“Yeah, come on,” Dean says. “I know you’re a little jealous.” 

“On your stomach.” 

Dean rolls over and spreads his legs when Cas bumps against his knees. Cas kisses slow and wet down his spine, then spreads him to kiss slow and wet over his hole. 

“He’s not very good with his mouth,” Cas murmurs, nipping just sharply enough for Dean’s hands to clench in the sheets. “But yes, I would like to see you spread open like that. Begging to come.” 

_ “Cas,”  _ Dean gasps. 

Cas licks into Dean, relentless, until Dean starts whimpering for Cas to  _ fuck me, please, please.  _

“You ready?” Cas says against one of the dimples at the base of Dean’s spine.

“Yeah, come on.” 

It’s a relief when Cas starts to finger Dean, kissing upwards to nuzzle into Dean’s hair when he starts to slide his cock in. Dean exhales and Cas laughs softly. “Don’t fall asleep on me now.” 

“I’m not, I’m just — god, that feels good.” 

“Yes, it does.” 

Dean doesn’t fall asleep, but things get a little dreamy, Cas deep inside him, whispering how perfect he is. His own orgasm doesn’t seem to matter so much, but that doesn’t stop Cas from flipping him over again and sucking him until he comes down Cas’s throat. 

“Baby,” Cas says into Dean’s hair when they are both growing heavy with sleep. “You know I’m not really jealous. I don’t care who you flirt with as long as you come home with me.” 

Dean wiggles backwards, presses closer to Cas. “K. But you’re not flirting with anyone.” 

Cas laughs softly. “All right.” 

“Because it’s embarrassing how bad you are at it.” 

“We’ve talked about this,” Cas says. “It got me you, so it can’t be too terrible.” 

“I just felt sorry for you.” 

“It got me Manny.” 

“Yeah, but I’m better.” 

“You are,” Cas says, hand flat over Dean’s heart. “I love you.” 

“Yeah, me too,” Dean says. 

He dreams a lot about Cas, black-winged and electric, shocking him back into life. 


	57. INTERLUDE #15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Why am I not surprised you’re a cat person?”_
> 
> _“Because we disagree on everything,” Cas says, smiling._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm losing track of my life but [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com), [sweetheart suckerjobforcastents](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com), and [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) looked at this thing

“I realized the other day that we haven’t actually talked about this,” Dean says. “But do you — do you want kids?” 

Cas stares at him in silence for a moment and then bursts out laughing. “Even if I did, that would be a terrible idea.” 

“That’s what I figured. Not that it’s a bad idea, just that you weren’t interested.” 

“Is that something you want?”

“Jesus, no. My dad really fucked me up. I can’t do that to a kid.” 

“You wouldn’t fuck it up. Anyone would be glad to have you as a father.” 

“Do you have a weird daddy kink? Because I’m saying ‘no’ right now. Hard limit.” 

Cas laughs again. “Noted. Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure.” 

“Why are you asking me about kids?” 

Dean looks away. “I was just thinking about — you know, the future.” 

“ _ Our  _ future,” Cas says, and Dean can feel the weight of his eyes.

“Should I not be thinking about that?” 

Cas lays down with his head in Dean’s lap, a leg draped over the back of the couch. “Depends on what you’re thinking.” 

“I dunno. Maybe a house or something. A garden. A dog.” 

“Cat,” Cas says.

“Why am I not surprised you’re a cat person?” 

“Because we disagree on everything,” Cas says, smiling.

“We can have space for more bookshelves, not that I should enable you.”

“Fine. If I get more bookshelves, we can get a dog  _ and _ a cat.” 

“I’ll think about it.” 

“I hope there are robots to do our laundry in this future.” 

“I hope —” Dean starts, then stops, looking down at his hand on Cas’s stomach. 

“You hope what?” 

“That we’ll still be together then. You know, to welcome the robot overlords.” 

Cas’s grin is wide and happy. “I’m planning on it.”


	58. IN THE BEST WAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“That isn’t going to work,” Dean says, grabbing Cas’s hand and pressing their palms together. Cas’s hands are bigger than Dean’s, just barely. “Have you done this before?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) bullied me into/awakened this. [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) also did a beta thing.

“You want to do _what_?!”

“You haven’t reacted like that in awhile.”

“Well, you haven’t asked — seriously?!”

Cas shrugs. “It was just a thought.”

“You think about this a lot?”

“I wouldn’t say _a lot,_ but it has crossed my mind.”

“That isn’t going to work,” Dean says, grabbing Cas’s hand and pressing their palms together. Cas’s hands are bigger than Dean’s, just barely. “Have you done this before?”

“It’ll work, and no, I haven’t done it to someone else.” Dean looks dubiously at Cas’s hand and Cas says, “We’ll work up to it.”

“I mean, I’ve — seen it in porn, or whatever. But…”

“Did you ever wonder, when you saw it?”

“Not really. But that was before you. So.”

“Are you wondering now?”

Dean looks at Cas’s hand again and his voice sounds a little husky when he says, “Yeah.”

“Would you like to try? You know we’ll stop if you don’t like it.”

“Yeah. We can try and see what happens.”

Cas grins. “You’re going to love it.”

 

The first few times, Cas just barely starts to work the fourth finger in before withdrawing. The fourth time, Dean starts whimpering and begging — _C’mon, Cas, do it_ — for more. Cas gets four fingers in deep, just the potential of Dean taking in his knuckles, and keeps the barest pressure inward while he sucks Dean’s cock. Dean comes, thrashing, into Cas’s mouth.

The fifth time, they kiss long enough to make them both hard and aching, and then Cas spends a long time licking into him until Dean is restless and whining on his back in the bed. Cas slicks up his fingers, and Dean takes two right away, moaning softly. “Are you going to fuck me?”

“In a sense,” Cas says, and loves the look on Dean’s face the moment he gets it.

“Ok,” Dean says, riding down on Cas’s hand once the third finger is in.

“Patience, sweetheart,” Cas says. “We have to take it slow.”

The fourth finger is easy, all the way up to where they made it last time, and Dean keeps whispering _Cas,_ but Cas stops. “You’re going to tell me if it hurts, or if you just don’t like it.”

“Jesus, Cas, I know.”

It’s about the time Cas starts pushing his thumb in that Dean starts trembling. “Shh,” Cas says. “Are you ok? Do you want to stop?”

“No, just — more lube.”

“We’re making a mess,” Cas says, smiling and pouring more lube indiscriminately.

Dean is watching him, and Cas half hopes Dean can’t see how in awe Cas is of him, all the time, but especially when Dean’s like this, eyes dark and cheeks flushed, taking whatever Cas has to give him.

“I don’t deserve you,” Cas says, and Dean whimpers from the lazy stroke of Cas’s fingers, all of them now.

Cas kisses the inside of Dean’s knee and watches the slow swivel of his hand, the way Dean opens for him.

“Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck,” Dean says, gasping for breath.

Cas stops immediately, looks up at him. “What do you need?”

“It’s — it’s good.” Dean shudders and bites his lip, looking a little dazed. “It’s really good.”

“More?”

“Yeah,” Dean says, and whines when Cas pulls his hand back, twists on the way in.

“You’re doing so well,” Cas says. “Almost there.”

There’s that moment where even Cas is pretty sure Dean won’t be able to take it, and then he does, all at once. Dean whispers, “Jesus Christ,” and his eyes squeeze shut.

“Dean, look at me. Are you ok?”

“I — um, yeah.” He’s breathing hard, but his eyes are back on Cas. “It’s — holy shit.”

Cas is trying to stay still, but when he squeezes Dean’s hip in reassurance, it jostles his other hand, and Dean’s eyelashes flutter and he whimpers like he’s overwhelmed in the best way. Still, Cas says, “Sweetheart?”

“It’s ok, just —” Dean’s voice goes low and rough. “Oh, fuck, fuck.”

Cas moves his hand gently, watching Dean stretched around his wrist, then watching Dean’s face. Dean’s shaking again and his lips are red-bitten and he’s making incoherent begging noises, and Cas is trying to see and feel everything at once, though he’s afraid if he focuses on the reality of it too much, he’ll come without being touched.

Dean’s not much better — there’s precome dripping steadily from the head of his cock and he gasps, “I — can I come? Because — oh, god, _Cas —_ ”

“Come for me,” Cas says.

It’s just a few more barely-thrusts before Dean comes, long and loud, tightening down around Cas’s hand, hardly breathing. Dean reaches for Cas’s free hand and clenches their fingers together, his whole body trembling.

Cas kisses the inside of his knee gently. “Good boy. You’re so beautiful.” Dean keeps gasping, and Cas says, “Dean? Are you ok?”

“I — I’m ok,” Dean rasps.

“Stay relaxed for me, ok? Breathe.”

Dean’s whines are soft and sweet as Cas eases his hand out, and with Dean trembling but sated, Cas’s arousal is suddenly urgent. Dean reaches for him and Cas nuzzles into his hand, kisses the inside of his wrist.

“I can suck you or something,” Dean says.

“No, you’re going to lay there and relax and look beautiful.”

Dean nods and licks his lips, Cas’s face still cupped in his palm. Cas closes his eyes, maybe more overwhelmed than Dean was, and takes a deep breath. The first stroke of his cock is almost shockingly intense, like he’s never been touched before, and he’s barely got his eyes on Dean’s again before he’s coming all over Dean’s stomach, adding to the mess.

Dean’s still trembling when Cas pulls him into his arms. “Gross,” Dean says, but snuggles close, face in Cas’s neck.

Cas rubs his hand up and down Dean’s back while Dean clings to him for a long time before saying, “Dean?”

Dean takes a shaky breath against Cas’s collar bone and says, “I’m ok. Just want to be close.”

“Did you like it?”

“I came, didn’t I? Like, really good.”

“Just because you came doesn’t mean you liked it.”

“Yeah. And I guess that’s not really why I liked it anyway.”

“Why did you like it?”

“It was like — the first time you fucked me. Kind of, um, scary. And then you _inside_ me.”

“You make me feel like I could do anything, just having you near. Not delusions of grandeur. Just the way you make me feel.”

Dean smiles into Cas’s neck. “And you thought it was really hot.”

Cas laughs. “Yes, I did. I thought you would like that, and I knew I would be into that, but I wasn’t really sure until we were doing it. I wish I’d taken a video.”

“No video of that,” Dean says. “But we can do it again.”

Cas strokes his hair slowly and waits for him to calm.

“I was wondering,” Dean says. “You said you’ve never done that to someone else. Does that mean someone’s done that to you?”

“Yes,” Cas says. “Does that surprise you?”

“A little, I guess. You like topping, and that was pretty — you know. Not.”

“I like a wide variety of things. I enjoyed it, though not the way you did. But tonight? Christ, Dean.”

Dean sounds shy. “Really?”

“You’re incredible. Thank you.”

Dean whispers, “You’re welcome.”


	59. INTERLUDE #16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“En medio de aquel desorden de naufragio que hacía temblar la tierra…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some sentient intelligent entities named [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) and [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) looked at this for me and [suckerforkangiepouches](http://suckerfordeanstreckles.tumblr.com) is responsible for some of it.

It happens a lot, moments where Dean is breathless with how in love he is with Cas: 

 

Sometime early on, both of them stoned, Dean tucked up against Cas’s hip while Cas reads Gabriel Garcia Marquez out loud in the original Spanish. “This is the story that made me want to be a writer,” Cas says. 

“Mm,” Dean says. “I’m imagining you with wings.” 

Cas smiles. “You know the story?” 

“I’ve read it. I mean, in English.” 

Cas leans down to kiss the top of Dean’s head. “Want to fuck me again?” 

“Finish the story first.” 

_ “En medio de aquel desorden de naufragio que hacía temblar la tierra…” _

 

Dean at the stove cooking breakfast and singing to himself. Cas sneaks up behind, hugs him around the middle, humming along and swaying against him.  _ In the morning when I rise, wipe a tear of joy from my eyes…  _

“I’m not dancing with you in the kitchen.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because it’s weird.” 

Dean’s in his softest pair of ripped jeans and nothing else. Cas slides a hand into the front of them, a tickling touch just above Dean’s cock. “Stop it,” Dean says, laughing and pulling Cas’s hand out. 

“Why?” Cas says, whining in a way he never does. 

“We have shit to do.” 

Dean almost gives in when Cas starts humming  _ even though we ain’t got money  _ into his ear. 

 

“I used to think about it a lot, how I would do it.” 

Cas only says things like this into the hushed dark, the same time of night sleepovers got a little too honest when Dean was a kid, too. “You still think about it?” 

“Not very often. I haven’t made plans in a long time. They say that’s when you should really start worrying, when it stops being just a thought and becomes an inevitability.” 

Dean hugs Cas tighter. “I know this is really selfish to say, but I’m glad you’re here so I get to know you.” 

“It’s ok to be selfish. I’m glad too.” 

 

Dean accidentally grabs one of Cas’s tshirts that somehow ended up in his laundry basket. It mostly just smells like Tide, but Dean imagines he can smell Cas a bit, too, the fresh hayed alfalfa smell of pot, whatever weird Burt’s Bees shaving cream he uses, and Dean spends all day wondering if this means Cas left with one of Dean’s tshirts some day in the past, and if Cas has worn it, if he realizes it’s Dean’s, if he thinks about Dean every time he smells Dean’s soap. Dean hopes so. 

 

The anniversary of John Winchester’s death, something Dean can’t name but Cas must know anyway, because he kisses Dean so gently and holds him so close. They don’t even fuck, just spend the evening nestled together on the couch. Dean doesn’t cry about his dad, but he cries later thinking about the way a near-stranger knows how to take care of him better than anyone else ever has. 

 

Every time Dean looks at the dedication page in  _ Familiar _ . He carries a copy in his car under the seat so Cas doesn’t know. There are times Dean thinks he must’ve dreamed it, and even when he looks at the words —  _ in an infinite universe  _ — his heart still flatlines. 

Dean knows Cas has been asked about it in an interview or two, but his answers were vague and he and Dean never talk about it. But it’s there, and no one can take that away from him. 

 

The second time Cas and Charlie meet, Dean watches in amazement as they argue about the MaddAddam trilogy. Dean’s not sure why he’s surprised that Cas has read it — he hasn’t run across something that Cas hasn’t read yet — but he’s always a little surprised whenever he and Cas like the same books. Cas’s writing blew Dean away long before they met, Cas is so much smarter. Dean doesn’t really understand how he managed to convince Cas that he knew something about books, but apparently he did, but now he thinks he’s a little lost as the conversation moves on to Atwood’s poetry. 

But then Cas smiles over at him and says, “Earlier Row told me she hasn’t read Gaiman. You’re still liking  _ American Gods,  _ aren’t you?” 

 

Cas in front of the window in the late evening sun, staring at nothing.

Dean says, “Are you… seeing things?”

“Just watching the smoke in the light.” 

“Baby,” Dean says, sighing.

“Come look.” 

Dean stands over Cas’s shoulder and Cas blows smoke. It spins and swirls in a beam of light coming in from a crooked curtain. “It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Cas says. 

Dean kisses Cas’s temple. “Yeah, ok, it’s pretty.” 

 

They didn’t even have plans, but one time Dean comes home from work to find Cas sleeping in his bed, fully clothed, a pillow hugged to his chest. Dean hadn’t realized until that moment that a man could be sweet enough to physically hurt to look at. 

Cas is awake when Dean gets out of the shower, looking a little contrite. “I’m sorry to spring myself on you. I just really wanted to see you.” 

“It’s ok,” Dean says, and then, without meaning to say it, “I was thinking about you earlier anyway.” 

Cas smiles and pulls Dean in for a kiss and Dean tries to forget about whatever happened in his heart when he saw Cas in his bed like he belonged there. 

 

Cas saying  _ I’ll be your one in four billion  _ all the times Dean is terrified that he’s no longer himself. Cas saying  _ I want to kiss you a lot when I’m fucking you.  _ The first time Cas says,  _ God, you’re perfect,  _ and then every time after. Cas calling him an  _ insufferable brat.  _ Every time Cas says  _ I love you.  _

Sometimes Cas looks at Dean the way Dean feels when he looks at Cas, like he’s always surprised he’s so lucky. Dean never really thought of himself as someone who might be loveable, but Cas makes it easy to believe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [a very old man with enormous wings by gabriel garcia marquez](https://www.ndsu.edu/pubweb/~cinichol/CreativeWriting/323/MarquezManwithWings.htm)
> 
>  
> 
> [danny's song by loggins and messina](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDcTyyXQb8)


	60. CARNAL WAYS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dean saw the balance in Cas’s bank account once. A drive-through ATM, Cas absentmindedly passed weed cash and the receipt over to Dean. It’s more than Cas’s lifestyle would suggest but less than Dean assumed. Still, Dean’s account will never look like that. Dean’s glad Cas was too busy grumbling about the poorly-designed parking lot at the bank to notice Dean’s pause as he stared at the receipt._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) and [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) looked at this for me <3

“You should come with me. We can stay in Santa Monica a few days, a house on the beach. Sam and Jess could join us.” 

Dean looks away. “Sorry, I can’t.”

“You have vacation time at work, don’t you?” 

“Well, yeah. But I don’t have that kind of money.” 

“I’ll pay for it,” Cas says, frowning.

“Seriously? No way.” 

“Why not?”

Dean gapes at him. “You already pay for too much.”

“Have you been worrying about that?” 

“Look, I’m a loser. I want to — take you on fancy dates, take you to Santa Monica or whatever. But I can’t.” 

“Dean,” Cas says. “I don’t want fancy dates. I want to smoke with you on a sunset picnic.” 

“Don’t make fun of me.” 

Cas frowns deeper. “I’m not. Honestly, it never even occurred to me to consider who pays for what, but apparently you think about it.” 

Dean looks back down at his hands.

“It never occurred to me that you wouldn’t know that what’s mine is yours.”

“Don’t do that, Cas. I don’t have anything to give you.” 

“Do you really think that?” Cas reaches for Dean’s hand, weaves their fingers together. “You give me so much, more than I could imagine.” 

Dean saw the balance in Cas’s bank account once. A drive-through ATM, Cas absentmindedly passed weed cash and the receipt over to Dean. It’s more than Cas’s lifestyle would suggest but less than Dean assumed. Still, Dean’s bank account will never look like that. Dean’s glad Cas was too busy grumbling about the poorly-designed parking lot at the bank to notice Dean’s pause as he stared at the receipt. 

“I want to be able to take care of you. Give you nice things. I’m sorry.” 

“You’ve spent your life taking care of other people. Don’t you know that I want to take care of you just as much? Let me.” 

Dean’s not sure where the sudden urge to cry comes from, but it takes a couple measured breaths to fight it down. 

“Dean,” Cas says softly, wrapping his arms around him and kissing his cheek. “Please don’t worry about this. Please come with me, if only just for the weekend.” 

Cas is so earnest and so handsome and touching Dean’s face so gently, and Dean can’t ever say no to him — or maybe has just never actually wanted to — so he presses close enough to kiss and says, “I’ll talk to Rufus.” 

“If you want to go on fancy dates, we can.”

“You don’t want to go anywhere you can’t smoke weed, and I don’t want to go anywhere I can’t wear plaid.” 

Cas laughs. “Neither of those things really limit our options in this city.” 

“Yeah, well. About Santa Monica, I want just us for two days, and then Sam and Jess can stay one night.” 

“Because you don’t want to see Sam or because you want to see me in a carnal way?” 

“Of course I want to see you in a carnal way,” Dean says, rolling his eyes. “But yeah, me and Sam — I dunno. It’s not like when we were kids.” 

Cas kisses him, just a brief comfort-touch. “There’s a carnal way you could take care of me tonight.” 

“Yeah?”

“I want to fuck your mouth and come on your face. I would also like to take a video, but not if it would make you uncomfortable.” 

Dean nods. At some point in the last few months, just that tone in Cas’s voice makes Dean’s eyes go glassy and leaves a beg on his lips. It used to take the sting of many handprints to get there, but it must be some kind of Pavlovian thing that he’s immediately primed to go under when Cas starts telling him what to do. 

“Let’s smoke another bowl first.” 

 

It ends up being two, and then instead of taking Dean to bed, Cas climbs in his lap so they can make out for a long time, not wild and hungry but deep and slow, Cas’s hands in his hair. 

“I always liked kissing,” Cas says, “but never as much as I like it with you.” 

“There was somethin’ else you wanted to do.” 

“You’re a little impatient for it, are you?” 

“Maybe.” 

Cas smiles and stands, reaching for Dean’s hand. “Ok, let’s go.” 

Dean follows Cas into the bedroom and lets Cas undress him, kissing when they can. With Dean naked in front of him, Cas says, “On your back, head over the edge of the bed.” 

“Oh,” Dean says, looking away. “Um.” 

“Ok.” Cas grabs a pillow and drops it, pointing. “On your knees.” 

Dean goes down, staring as Cas undresses. He’s fucking gorgeous, filled out with muscle again, and Dean itches to reach for him but won’t without permission. Cas gives his own cock a rough stroke as he grabs his phone again. “Video ok?” 

“Yeah, that’s cool.” 

Cas fiddles with his phone, then holds it up to focus on Dean. “You can touch me, but only after you tell me what you want.” 

Dean hesitates, though he’s not sure why saying it on video for Cas is different than saying it for just Cas. He decides he doesn’t care but still blushes when he says, “I want you to fuck my mouth.” 

“Mm, good boy,” Cas says, guiding his cock to Dean’s lips. 

Dean opens willingly, reaching his tongue up to rub just under the head. Cas hums another encouragement, the hand not holding the phone now sliding into Dean’s hair, urging him to take his cock deeper. 

Dean is too shy to look up into the camera, but he does reach to grip Cas, stroking his thumbs over Cas’s hipbones. Cas lets Dean take him down at his own pace, but after a few strokes he tightens his hand in Dean’s hair to hold him still. “Take a breath.” 

Before Dean has exhaled, Cas jerks his head into a better angle and takes him, rough and deep. A couple times Dean chokes so bad that Cas pulls out long enough for him to catch his breath before shoving back in. Dean glances up about the time the tears start and there’s a small, pleased smile on Cas’s face.

Cas jerks Dean off his cock so hard that Dean nearly tumbles onto his ass, and then Cas is coming in long stripes over Dean’s face. Dean’s lips are still parted, swollen and tingling, and the taste of Cas has him clenching his fingers on Cas’s hips.

“Look at that,” Cas says, tilting Dean’s chin to show his face off to the camera. Dean blushes but keeps his eyes focused on Cas. “You are exquisite. And mine.” 

Dean nods, just barely, and Cas’s smile widens. He smears his fingers through the come on Dean’s cheeks and spreads it along Dean’s lower lip. “Now I want you on the bed. Jerk yourself off for me.” 

Dean sumbles to his feet, balancing himself on Cas, and then crawls to sit against the headboard. He can distinctly feel the come on his face, taste it on his lips when he licks them. Cas sits on the bed next to Dean, phone still trained on him as Dean wraps a hand around his cock. 

Dean takes a shaky breath as he starts to stroke. He’s been leaking precome steadily since before they even made it to the bedroom, and it’s plenty to slick him up for a slow, tight slide. “That’s beautiful,” Cas says when Dean bites his lower lip. “Make yourself come.” 

Dean’s relieved to hear it — he’d mostly thought this would be one of those nights where Cas didn’t let him come at all or at least made him wait forever for it. Dean’s eyes flutter shut, and then open again to watch Cas.

Cas must’ve planned it, because right before Dean is ready to come, Cas murmurs, “Good boy,” and Dean comes all over his stomach and chest. 

Cas films him through it, and then tosses the phone to pull Dean into his arms, not seeming to mind the mess. “Thank you,” Cas says into Dean’s hair. 

Dean pants against Cas’s neck, voice hoarse when he says, “Jesus, thank  _ you.  _ That was, like — Jesus.” 

“Will you watch the video with me?” 

“After a shower.” 

 

“ _ I want you to fuck my mouth.” _

Dean’s voice sounds strange in the way his voice always sounds strange on tape, something he almost wouldn’t recognize if he wasn’t watching his lips form the words. He goes hot all over, not with shame but the prelude to his dick starting to harden. 

By the time Cas says,  _ “Take a breath,”  _ Dean really is hard, and Cas’s arm around his waist is thoroughly distracting, focused so intensely on all the places they are touching. “We’ll take care of that when we finish watching,” Cas says, fingertips stroking over Dean’s hip. 

Dean stares in fascination when Cas comes on his face. He knows now that he looks the same as he feels in those moments, powerful and loved and possessed and in awe, and now he understands why Cas wanted a recording of it. 

Dean’s not really interested in watching himself jerk off, but thinking about the way Cas looked at him has him biting his lip, pressing closer under Cas’s arm. Cas squeezes him tighter as they watch Dean coming, face still shining with Cas’s release. 

“That was lovely,” Cas says. He pushes the camera button again, flipping the view to take a picture of the two of them, flushed and smiling. 

“You’re such a dork,” Dean says, but then, “Send it to me.” 

Cas puts his phone to the side and kisses Dean, careful and full. “Now. Do you want to fuck me?” 

“If you want,” Dean says. “But, um. I want you. I want you inside me.” 

“Even better,” Cas says, and pins Dean under him. 


	61. REALLY EXCELLENT COCKSUCKER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"They just reminded me how happy I am to spend every night with a really excellent cocksucker.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think these people were more impatient for a sneak peek than to fix my bullshit, but [robotsnchicks](http://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com), [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com), and [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) looked at this for me.
> 
>  **Content note** : Some mild/brief homophobia.

Cas bought some Xanax from his pill guy, but Dean declines, instead having a couple of over-priced drinks at an airport bar before they board, so Dean’s mostly sober and nervous, still clenching Cas’s hand tightly, when they get off the plane for the layover in Phoenix.

Dean’s so worked up that Cas sees them first. They’re not the kind of rednecks people expect but a different kind of bigot, white-collar young guys on a power trip, the kind that choose their president based on him being a “good businessman,” all the hate just a fortunate coincidence.

Dean, of course, heads directly towards the bar where the guys are sitting. “Dean,” Cas says, tugging him to a stop. “Let’s not.”

“Cas, I want a drink. Please.”

Cas’s eyes must move a little too meaningfully to the suits, because Dean follows his gaze to see them sneering. Dean is momentarily shocked into silent stillness, then swallows and scowls. “I want a drink,” he repeats.

“Ok,” Cas says, letting Dean lead him up to the bar.

One of the guys snorts a laugh, saying something about _fucking cocksuckers._ Dean flinches but then rolls his eyes. “Sorry about your small dick,” he says, patting the guy consolingly on the shoulder as they pass.

Cas doesn’t hide his laughter, and Dean grins over at him while he orders Cas’s beer and his own whiskey. “What?” Dean says. “You think there’s another reason he’s worried so much about what other dudes are doing with theirs?”

“I’m not disagreeing at all. I’m sorry they said that, though.”

Dean glances over to where the guys are still paying a little bit too much attention to them. “Fuck them,” he says, bumping his shoulder against Cas’s where they’re leaning against the bar. “Are you upset?”

“Not at all. They just reminded me how happy I am to spend every night with a really excellent cocksucker.”

Dean laughs but puts his fingers over Cas’s mouth. “Can you keep it down with that?”

“Sorry,” Cas says, muffled, eyes squinted with a smile.

“I think I am going to need the Xanax on the way back since I won’t have you to distract me.”

Cas wants desperately to kiss Dean, but he waits until Dean glances down at his mouth and leans closer a bit before giving him a quick, chaste kiss, but he doesn’t move away after. The bartender’s at the other end of the bar and there’s no one around, so Cas murmurs up against Dean’s ear, “How do your panties feel?”

Dean inhales sharply. “Really — really good. But don’t do this here, Cas.”

Cas kisses Dean’s cheek and turns back to his beer. “We can reconvene on that topic once we arrive.”

“We can reconvene as much as you want once we arrive.”

“Deal.”

Cas knows how much he can make Dean squirm with just a heated look, if he lets his thoughts about what he wants to do to Dean come a little bit too close to the surface, so he tries to mostly keep his eyes to himself on the flight, and then on the Uber, and then as they tour the little beach house, Dean staring for a long time out at the ocean from the back deck.

Cas slips his arm around Dean’s waist, chin propped up on Dean’s shoulder from behind. “We made it. I guess Desmond was entering his numbers.”

“Don’t make Lost jokes at me,” Dean says, but he’s smiling about it.

Cas pulls Dean’s shirt off his shoulders and drops it to the deck, then tugs Dean’s t-shirt over his head to join it. Cas loves the flex of the muscles in his back in the evening air, temperature dropping as the sun sinks into the water. “I love you,” Cas says, sliding his hand down the center of Dean’s back to watch him shiver.

Cas presses up to him, hands running around his hips to unbutton his jeans. “You know who else is a really excellent cocksucker?”

Dean whimpers when Cas reaches to squeeze his cock through satin. “Who?”

“Me,” Cas says, and distinctly feels Dean’s cock harden under his hand.

Dean laughs. “I don’t know about that. Might have to refresh my memory.”

Cas turns Dean around and kisses him while he pushes his jeans down, then shoves Dean against the deck railing, following to grind his hips against Dean’s. “You thought about them the whole time, didn’t you?”

Dean’s breathless and smiling, pulling Cas back in for another kiss. “I got distracted for a minute with those douchebags at the bar, but yeah, pretty much.”

Cas pauses, leaning back to look at him. “Are you ok?”

Dean looks briefly confused. “Yeah, totally. I mean, they were assholes, but that’s their problem.”

“To be honest, I was thinking about your ass in panties even while that was happening,” Cas says, kissing Dean before he can respond, back to rubbing his cock through the satin.

When Dean is hard and throbbing, Cas starts to kiss down his neck, pausing to bite Dean’s favorite places. Dean whimpers _Cas, Cas_ when he bites down on one of Dean’s nipples. Dean arches towards him restlessly, like he thinks he can actually rush Cas when he doesn’t want to be rushed.

Cas spends a long time biting and sucking Dean’s nipples, squeezing Dean’s ass, the panties so soft underneath his hands. He hasn’t felt a possessed urgency to mark Dean for a long time, not when Dean is so assuredly his, but he leaves a mottled red oval on the softest part of Dean’s stomach, just so Dean will smile down at it later.

Dean’s hand tightens in Cas’s hair when Cas ghosts a breath over the head of his cock where it’s escaping his panties. The fabric — pink, because pink is obviously Dean’s favorite — is stained darker with precome. “Do you remember what I said?”

“To bring a lot of them.”

“Yes, because you’re wearing them the whole time. You’ll wear _only_ the panties except for when Sam is here.”

Dean swallows audibly and nods.

“I brought your collar, and you’re going to do anything I want.”

Dean nods again.

“You’re going to let me take care of you.”

Another nod.

“Good boy.”

Cas pulls Dean’s panties down to reveal his cock and Dean cries out when Cas swallows him down. He takes Dean apart slowly, loving the sound of Dean whining _please_ over and over. Cas wishes he’d grabbed the lube out of his bag so he could fuck Dean with his fingers at the same time, but this is good, too, Dean staring down at him and softly begging.

Cas decides to let Dean come once Dean has goosebumps all over his body from the night breeze. He pulls Cas’s hair as he comes down his throat and Cas moans into it.

Dean slumps against the railing, breathing hard. “Holy fuck.”

Cas stands and kisses Dean, sharing the taste of him, tucking Dean’s softening cock back into his panties. “Thank you,” Dean says.

“You’re welcome. Go get cleaned up, fresh panties, get your collar out of my suitcase, meet me at the couch.”

“Ok,” Dean says. He looks down at Cas’s mouth like he wants another kiss but won’t without permission.

“Kiss me,” Cas says, and lets Dean kiss him as long as he wants.

Cas stares at Dean’s ass when he follows him back into the house. It’s just as stunning as Cas was imagining in the airport, and he can’t wait to get his mouth on it later.

The couch is nice with soft cushions, and Cas drops one on the floor before digging their books out of his bag. Dean smiles shyly when he comes in wearing jade panties with lace panels over his hips and holding his collar.

“Sit here,” Cas says, pointing to the pillow. “Don’t kneel; you’ll be there for awhile.”

Dean sits between Cas’s legs, back up to the couch. Cas buckles the collar on him, leans down to kiss his cheek, and then passes Dean his book. Dean leans his head against Cas’s knee and opens his book, not even questioning what Cas wants.

Cas likes this a lot — he likes Dean sitting at his feet, and he likes stroking Dean’s hair, likes the soft sound of his breath, the turning of pages. Attempts at actually reading are fruitless, but he pretends, half-hoping Dean can’t focus on anything else when they’re like this, either.

Cas notices when Dean starts to get heavier against him. “Sweetheart,” Cas says. “Is it bedtime?”

“You don’t want to fuck me or something?”

“You’re tired. I can wait until tomorrow.”

Dean stands sluggishly and brushes his teeth while Cas digs his pills out of his bag. He scowls at them but takes them obediently. Dean is half asleep by the time Cas joins him, naked, in bed, but he still wiggles happily when Cas pulls him into his arms, kissing the back of his neck.

Dean mumbles something that Cas assumes is “Love you,” and then he’s out.

 

Cas manages to sneak out of bed in the morning and pull on clothes without waking Dean. He’s not sure if Dean has ever had a real vacation, and Cas is determined to let him rest and relax, so he smokes a joint alone as the sky lightens.

He goes through another joint before the back door creaks open with Dean silhouetted in the doorway, stunning in nothing but green satin and brown leather. “Hey,” Dean says.

“Hello.”

“It’s kinda cold out here. Can I put on clothes?”

“Yes. Bring me more coffee as well, please.”

Soon enough Dean is in the adirondack next to Cas, sipping at his coffee. Cas lights another joint and they pass it back and forth, quiet other than the waves rolling in and out.

“I’ve seen the ocean before but it’s — bigger than I remembered, I guess,” Dean says once the joint and their coffees are gone.

“I always forget, too,” Cas says, hooking his pinkie around Dean’s between their chairs.

“You about ready for breakfast?”

“I’ll be making you breakfast this morning.”

“Baby, please let me help you. For both of our sakes.”

Cas glares at him. “I’m getting better.”

“Yeah, but I want french toast, and you always burn it.”

“You’ll be taking your clothes off once we’re inside.”

“I figured.” Dean leans over to kiss Cas, tasting of coffee and weed, soft and beautiful.

Cas sits on the counter and watches Dean cook. Dean rolls his eyes but doesn’t complain, and he isn’t even shy while Cas devours him with his eyes.

“I’d like to feed you, but I think we’d just end up with syrup everywhere.”

“That’s a pain in the ass to clean up.”

“I know,” Cas says, sighing. “I guess that’ll have to wait.”

Dean ends up with syrup all over the place anyway, and Cas just laughs from his side of the table as Dean unsuccessfully attempts to mop it up with a paper towel.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Cas says.

“So you can make fun of me?”

“That’s one reason.”

Dean grins. “Asshole.”

Cas reaches over the table to smack him — gently — across the face. “That was rude.”

“Sorry,” Dean says, but Cas can tell he doesn’t mean it.

Cas sends Dean into the shower while he does the dishes, then puts him face down on the bed and tongue-fucks him into a wailing mess, then fucks him for real until he comes sobbing.

Cas brought toys, and he keeps Dean plugged and full of come as long as possible. They sit outside to eat but otherwise don’t leave the bed, and the instruction about wearing the panties is pointless when Cas wants all of him accessible all the time.

By evening Cas is ready to just hold Dean in front of the tv, fuck him gentle and sweet before they fall asleep, make Dean’s breakfast for real the next morning, complete with real bacon. They do make a mess, but Dean kneels at his feet and accepts bites from Cas’s fingers anyway.

The second day is just as good, less fucking, more smoking out on the deck, letting Dean put clothes on so they can walk down the beach, picking up sand dollars and watching the gulls circle.

“Hey, that’s cool,” Dean says, pointing to a pelican diving into the water.

They aren’t holding hands, which suddenly seems very unfortunate. Cas grabs Dean’s hand and stops him to give a long kiss, smiling when he pulls back. “I know I already said it, but I’m so happy you’re here.”

“I know, me too.”

“What time will Sam be here tomorrow?”

“Afternoonish.”

“Ah, so I’ll have all morning to make you scream.”

“Yeah, baby, whatever you want.”

Cas runs his fingers along Dean’s neck where the collar sits. “We need to go back now.”

Cas doesn’t give Dean time to hesitate, just shoves him back in the direction of their little house. Dean laughs, and he doesn’t exactly run, but he is in enough of a hurry for Cas to chase him back to the bedroom.


	62. THE BEST PEOPLE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“He didn’t kill the cat,” Cas says in response to Jess’s horror. “The cat was dead before it was in his possession.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) and i continue to disagree about my comma usage and* [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) calls me on my shit and is really overall a great cheerleader :') 
> 
>  
> 
> *el's going to be mad about that

Cas has seen pictures, but Jess’s beauty still surprises him, and he’s more surprised that he even notices, because generally everyone else fades away when Dean is around. Sam hugs Dean and then Cas, apparently not noticing his discomfort, but Jess just shakes his hand with a big, genuine smile.

Sam almost immediately launches into praise and questions about Cas’s books. Cas really hates interviews, and that’s what it feels like when someone corners him like this.

Beer comes out, and Cas is somewhere else, focusing on Dean’s touch to keep from grinding his teeth. Maybe that’s why he notices when Dean stiffens next to him, even though he didn’t hear what Sam said.

“Sam,” Jess chides gently.

Cas glances between Sam and Dean. There’s a certain type of shame that crosses Dean’s eyes when they talk about his father, and it’s there now, too. Cas watches Dean try to cover it up, try to steer the conversation somewhere where Cas will be less anxious.

Sam makes a sour face when Cas offers weed after dinner. Cas can see Dean considering declining, too, but in the end he shares a joint with Cas, fingers brushing during each pass.

“Seriously, Cas,” Sam says. He sounds like Dean a little, the cadence of his speech. “You aren’t worried about backlash from the _Familiar_ dedication?” 

Dean looks out into the water, and Cas frowns. “No, of course not.”

It’s a decidedly weird evening. Dean is a little quiet, and Cas stumbles around a lot in the conversation, but at least Jess is endlessly sweet in the interludes between Sam’s monologues.

Cas doesn’t try anything but holding Dean close and kissing him in bed. When the kisses eventually slow, Dean says, “I’m sorry. I know you hate when people act like that.”

“Sometimes I feel a bit like an exotic animal being poked and prodded at a zoo.”

Dean snorts. “That might be a little dramatic, but yeah, I know.”

“He makes you feel like your dad did,” Cas says, pressing a kiss to Dean’s forehead.

Dean is quiet long enough Cas thinks he’s decided not to talk about it, and then he says, “Sometimes. But it’s not like — I mean, he loves me. I love him.”

“I know that, but I don’t like that he would imply that I might ever regret loving you. Neutrally phrased declarations or otherwise.”

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean says, nestling under his chin.

 

Cas has been experimenting with different designs on the panties he buys for Dean, but Dean is always pleased with his choices, except the Hello Kitty pair, which Cas bought just to goad him into refusing anyway. There’s a pair with red hearts, a baby blue pair with the word _PINK_ in navy letters — Dean did grumble about that, probably because he was disappointed they weren’t actually pink — a pair patterned with pink cherry blossoms, cotton with Wonder Woman.

The ones Dean pulls out of the bag in the morning have a silky galaxy front and a mesh back. Cas says. “Let me see your ass first.”

Dean turns and Cas hums happily, stroking his hands over Dean’s ass cheeks where bruises are a purple contrast to Dean’s pale gold skin. Dean squeaks when Cas bites down over one of the marks.

Cas smacks Dean’s ass, quick and sharp, and says, “You can dress now.”

Dean looks so good in old jeans, light spots worn in the back pocket where he carries his wallet and over where his cock rests. Cas can’t help but to pull him in for a long kiss, and then another, before they venture out to start breakfast.

The pancakes are piling up when Sam and Jess come in, yawning. Cas is pleased that Dean doesn’t hesitate to touch him even with Sam in the room, leaving a kiss on the back of Cas’s neck when he passes behind him, flashing him a private smile when they sit at the table. An _I’m wearing panties you bought me_ smile.

A truce was called sometime overnight, perhaps in dreams, because Sam and Dean laugh openly as they embarrass each other over breakfast.

“So Sam had a pee corner in his bedroom,” Dean says. “All over the fuckin’ midwest, bedrooms with corners where Sam has pissed.”

“Do you remember the peanut butter and jelly cookies?”

Dean shrugs. “My bad for trying to make my little bro a treat.”

“And the dead cat?”

“He didn’t kill the cat,” Cas says in response to Jess’s horror. “The cat was dead before it was in his possession.”

“Extremely dead,” Dean says. “I don’t know what he expected me to — “

“Traumatized, Dean. I was traumatized.”

Cas snorts into his coffee, and Dean hits him in the shoulder. “You have to defend me, come on.”

“I did. Now everyone knows the cat was dead, so you were in the right.”

“Anyway,” Dean says. “Sam could tell us about the porn and the mirror.”

“I’m shutting this down,” Sam says. “Unless you want to talk about _your_ porn habits.”

“Yeah, well. No one would be surprised now,” Dean says, smirking.

Cas quirks an eyebrow. “Was it anything like your current porn habits?”

“Nope, I regret starting this conversation,” Sam says, leaning away with his hands held up.

Quickly, Jess says, “Let’s go down to the beach.”

Jess and Sam take over the dishes, which is a good excuse for Cas to push Dean up against the living room wall and kiss him deep and needy, sliding his hand down the back of Dean’s jeans to feel mesh under his fingers.

Dean whimpers beautifully and pulls Cas’s hips against his. Cas murmurs, “Maybe they’ll leave early enough for me to fuck you before we go to the airport.”

Dean nods, eyes bright.

Cas kisses Dean’s jaw, then pulls his head to the side by the hair to bite his neck. “I’m going to —”

Sam clears his throat from the kitchen doorway, and Dean turns scarlet immediately, ducking out from under Cas. Cas tries not to look smug when Dean adjusts himself, attempting at subtlety and failing, as usual.

Sam puts on barefoot shoes, which Dean mocks mercilessly, and then Sam mocks Dean and Cas for thinking it’s cold enough for jeans. Sam kicks water at them, and then Dean chases him down the beach, surprisingly fast even in the sand wearing boots. Dean tries to jump on Sam’s back, and they both go sprawling in wet sand, laughing and laughing. Cas is laughing, too, all the way up until Dean gets up and loops an arm around Cas’s neck, pulling him in to rub sand all over the front of Cas’s shirt.

“Goddammit, Dean,” Cas says, and in the surf, Jess is shrieking as Sam does the same thing to her.

Cas slaps Dean, light enough to be a joke but hard enough that Dean’s eyes dilate and he blushes. Dean steps back like he thinks that’ll make him stop thinking about Cas hitting him and says, deflecting, “I’ve got sand in some really unfortunate places.”

“Me too,” Jess says, trying to shake out her hair. “Assholes.”

“You’re the only person on the planet with more hair than Sam,” Dean says, reaching up to flick Sam in the ear.

“Hm,” Cas says. “I could rival it.”

“Baby, I love you, but don’t you dare.”

Cas squints at Sam’s hair like he really is thinking about it.

“Nope. Look, I know you —” Dean glances at Sam like he just remembered he and Cas weren’t alone. “I know you never listen to me, but please don’t do that.”

Cas gives Dean a look he knows will make him squirm and blush — he does — and then turns back towards the house. Cas says, “Because of you and Sam’s behavior, I am going back.”

Dean and Sam both laugh identical loud laughs. “I know, we’re assholes,” Dean says, catching up to Cas and grabbing his hand. “Sorry.”

Cas looks sideways at him and is impressed with himself that he doesn’t stumble. Dean’s hair is golden in the sunlight, eyes verdant, smile dazzling. It hurts to look at him.

“Hey,” Dean says quietly, bumping their shoulders together.

“Hello.”

Dean grins. “Seems Sam and Jess have a dinner party tonight, won’t be able to stay much longer.”

“That’s too bad,” Cas says.

 

Their clothes come off as soon as Sam and Jess are out the door. “Ride me,” Cas says, and Dean smiles.

Dean has to dig the lube out of Cas’s bag and then climbs in his lap, starting to slick up his fingers. “Excuse me,” Cas says. “You don’t think I want to do that?”

“I don’t need much, just —”

“You need what I say you need.”

Dean laughs and blushes and then gasps when Cas rubs wet fingertips around his hole. “You’re so pretty,” Cas says, nipping at Dean’s jaw, rough with vacation stubble. He pushes two fingertips into Dean and lets him ride down to take them deeper.

“Want you,” Dean says. “Please.”

“You know I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Then let me have your cock.”

Cas digs out the lube again, guides Dean’s hips until his cock is pressed up against him, waits for Dean, just a hand on his flank.

Dean bends to kiss Cas, but it turns into a whine as he takes Cas in slowly. “You feel good,” Dean says, gripping Cas’s shoulder like he needs Cas to stay grounded. “I can’t believe I ever — fuck, I thought I wouldn’t like this.”

Dean is good at this now, taking what he wants from Cas, but it’s slow and intense this time, kissing, Cas’s hand now on Dean’s lower back to support him.

“I know it’s only four days and you’ll be texting me to complain the whole time, but don’t — don’t forget me, ok? Don’t meet great people. I mean, I hope you do, but…”

“I promise not to forget about you,” Cas says. “You’re the best people.”

Dean smiles and kisses him again, so sweet, but Cas breaks away to nuzzle down his neck. “You’re certainly not going to forget me,” Cas says, and then bites the softest part of Dean’s chest, digs his teeth in and sucks so Dean’s rhythm stutters on Cas’s cock. Cas bites again, the top of his shoulder, and repeats, “You’re not going to forget me.”

“I need —” Dean says, heart racing. “Need to feel you. Come on.”

Cas guides Dean off his lap, pushes him onto his back, and is back inside him in the space of breath. “Feel me, hmm?” Cas says against Dean’s ear. “You want me to fuck you so hard that you think about it all day tomorrow? Want me to come in you, dirty you up?”

“Yeah,” Dean breathes, head tilted back to bare his neck for Cas’s teeth.

“Good boy,” Cas says, and he sits back to pull Dean halfway into his lap and fuck him hard enough that Dean has to reach back and grab the headboard to keep from being shoved into the wall.

Cas is pretty sure that Dean doesn’t even realize how loud he gets when Cas fucks him like this. Dean chokes on his breath in between saying Cas’s name, saying _fuck fuck fuck fuck._ Cas doesn’t think about what it feels like, focused instead on the way Dean looks and sounds, the salt taste of his skin, thinking about the way Dean shudders when he comes.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dean says, and he tightens around Cas when Cas wraps one hand around his throat and the other around his cock.

Cas doesn’t press down. Dean didn’t ask, and Cas is always nervous about leaving bruises, but Dean loves the threat of it, and he makes a mess of them both with a soft moan that sounds like _Cas._

Cas pushes his come-wet fingers into Dean’s mouth and watches him suck them clean with a lazy, dazed smile. “Love you,” Dean says, muffled around Cas’s fingers still resting on his tongue.

Cas isn’t used to hearing it. Cas isn’t used to believing it. Cas didn’t know there was someone in the world who would make the things that follow him more bearable. Cas comes hard, biting into Dean’s shoulder, Dean’s arms wrapped tight around him.

Cas doesn’t want to let go, but they were short on time to begin with. Dean’s legs are trembling a little bit. “Are you ok?” Cas says, rubbing a hand up and down his thigh.

“Oh yeah. That was — holy fuck.”

“I’ll miss you, too,” Cas says, smiling and pulling Dean into his arms. “And you’re going to call me every night before bed, and I’m going to listen to you finger yourself, but you’re not allowed to come.”

“Baby, seriously?”

“Pouting is unbecoming on you,” Cas says, but he’s lying, and both of them know it.

“We better get going or I’ll miss the plane.”

“Yes, we better,” Cas says.

They lay there kissing for too long anyway. Dean almost misses his flight.


	63. INTERLUDE #17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It’s sometime around ninth grade when spirits start to haunt him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) and [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) were a great help on this 
> 
> **Content note** : References to suicide and drug addiction

It’s sometime around seventh grade that the chimes start. He figures out pretty quickly that no one else is hearing them, but they usually aren’t loud enough to distract him, so he doesn’t mind. 

It’s sometime around ninth grade when spirits start to haunt him. Just darting shadows at first, things he can never quite catch a glimpse of. He’s the only one to see them just like he’s the only one to hear the bells. He wonders, not for the first time, if he has a brain tumor. 

It’s the next year, or maybe a couple months later — time gets really hazy for a while — when They start coming. There’s no name for them. If he’s lucky there’s just one, and on a bad day there is a room full of them. He doesn’t know how they can watch without faces, but they do, and they talk to him, mostly about death. Sometimes there’s the smell of high meat, like their other victims rotting. 

Someone notices that he’s gone insane. A teacher, or maybe even Mom; surely his grades have been slipping, and that might make her notice him. He gets whisked to a pediatrician, who refers them to a general practitioner, who decides after fifteen minutes that a psychiatrist is probably the better route. He doesn’t tell anyone about the things that come for him. Sometimes he’s afraid that if he voices it, it’ll start happening to them, too. Sometimes he thinks they would deserve it, the way they talk about him. 

There’s a line of pill bottles on his bathroom counter. He takes them dutifully, takes the SATs dutifully, writes his application essays dutifully. He doesn’t wake up screaming anymore because he can’t feel or think or experience anything but exhausted, except sometimes he’ll be jolted back to life by some man’s hands on him. The faceless ghosts keep following, keep talking, mostly in voices he doesn’t recognize but sometimes the voice of his father. He’s doing better at hiding it from other people. 

His parents pay for an off-campus apartment, which means when he gets picked up and adopted by Meg and her art school gang, his place is the best one for gatherings. Which means he’s suddenly surrounded by drugs just like he’s surrounded by ghosts. 

Opiates help dim them. Weed lets him take a breath between their visits. Hurting Meg is the only thing he’s consistently sure is real. His English comp class may be a hallucination, and he’s not even sure how he would prove to himself that it’s not. He used to think Chuck Palahniuk is a good writer, so he thinks often of that last chapter of Fight Club, the big reveal. He wonders if he’s standing before the asylum shrink or god awaiting judgment.

Meg arches her eyebrows at the line of pill bottles on his sink, so he trashes them. 

It takes more drugs to keep him lucid — but then sometimes that just means he’s sacrificed lucidity for  _ fucked up _ — and he stops going to church, gets expelled, moves in with Meg’s band of miscreants, and decides to write a Great American Novel. The kind the Pulitzer crowd eats up. He stops pretending like he hasn’t been fucking all genders now in some sort of manic state of sexual energy (he doesn’t know what “manic” actually means) and proudly fucks just about anyone he can get his hands on, especially if they have drugs. 

He hasn’t written since before they put him on meds as a teenager, and he missed it. Still, the first novel is a mess. He knows it’s bad, knows that necessary revisions would require essentially a rewrite of the whole fucking thing. The second one is better. The third one is when he decides he’s the greatest writer of all time, and he manages to get a publisher to agree he’s at least an ok writer, and things get very confusing for awhile, time bending in on itself from all angles, ready to devour him. Looking back, he won’t be able to tell you where he got the money for his habits. He’ll think he must’ve been dealing, but that whole period is just a black hole in his mind.

He gets tired of listening to Them talk about death and decides to give it a try himself. His parents cut him off, so it’s Gabe that comes to the rescue. He gets put on lockdown for a few days and then lies his way out of it. There are needle marks on his arm, and the book is well received. 

There’s hospitals and drugs and rehab and visceral, vivid visions of death and more attempts and something like a million words while faceless phantoms lurk around every corner. 

And then Cas lets his brother drag him into a shitty bar and in walks Dean Winchester.


	64. INTERLUDE #18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m having hallucinations of reapers, and you want to watch Gordon Ramsay?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) & [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) for the help, and to everyone who is still reading 113k later :')

Cas’s car is in the parking lot, but when Dean walks into the apartment, it’s weirdly silent in a way that makes his heart speed up a little. 

But he finds Cas in bed, and Dean can see the blanket rise and fall with his breath. “Hey, baby,” Dean says. 

“Hello,” Cas says, hoarse.

“You going to come out from under there and kiss me at least?” 

Cas has been a little weird the last few days, twitchy and grumpy, but Dean hasn’t seen him look like this in awhile, so listless.

“Hey,” Dean says again, sitting next to him on the bed, leaning down to kiss his forehead. “You feeling ok?” 

Cas takes a second to answer. “You need to go.”

“Cas, what’s going on?” 

“I — they’re — you have to go before they come back.” 

“Who?” 

Cas waves his hand vaguely through the door. “You know. Them.” 

“No, I don’t. Who?” 

“They don’t have faces.” 

“Ok,” Dean says, slowly. “I’m not leaving. We need to call someone. Can we get ahold of your doctor right now? Or we need to go to the ER.”

“No,” Cas says, glancing over Dean’s shoulder and then back to his face, looking a little dazed.

“Cas, no one is going to hurt us. You know I won’t let anything happen.”

Cas takes a shuddering breath. “I don’t want you — when I’m like this.” 

“I know, but you’re stuck with me anyway.” Dean climbs into bed and Cas goes into his arms. “I’m still dirty, but that’s what you’re gettin’ right now.” 

Cas hides his face in Dean’s neck, clinging. “Hey, hey,” Dean says softly. “We’re ok. Are you seeing them now?” 

Cas peeks over Dean’s shoulder, nods, hides again. “I know it’s not real. Real people have faces. But…” 

Dean kisses his temple and holds him close for a long time, listening to Cas’s harsh breathing, then says, “You been out of bed today?” 

“A couple times.” 

“Had any food? Water? Weed?” 

“No.” 

“All right, let’s take care of that. Can you get up? I don’t want to leave you alone.” 

Cas follows Dean out of bed, eyes darting from Dean to the empty doorway. “There are a lot of them.” 

Dean cradles Cas’s face in both hands and presses their foreheads together. “Stay here with me, ok? I missed you today.” 

Cas closes his eyes and leans into him. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s ok. Sounds like you had something more important than texting me to worry about. They been scaring you all day?” 

Cas shakes his head, but then says, “A little.” 

“You know you can call me, right? I don’t always have my phone but you can call the shop. I’ll always come home to help you.” 

Cas snorts, self-deprecating. “I don’t think your PTO covers your boyfriend losing his mind.” 

“It’s none of their business what I do with it. And hell, I can find another job. I can’t find another you.” Dean kisses him, hugs him tight. “Any requests for dinner?” 

“Indian.” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “You’re only doing that because you know I won’t say no to you right now.” 

“Maybe. I want korma masala.” 

“Order it yourself, you big baby,” Dean says, passing over his phone. “Get me the — whatever the fuck that is that I don’t hate.” 

Dean starts stripping off his clothes, and Cas’s fingers pause on the phone screen while he stares. Dean says, “Order the thing so we can take a shower. You can look at me all you want.” 

Cas leans against Dean in the shower and Dean holds him tight. After a few minutes Dean says, “We can’t take too long or we’ll miss the food.” 

Cas steps back and helps shampoo Dean’s hair, and then he keeps touching Dean in this careful, reverent way that makes Dean wonder if Cas knows he’s real. Without Dean asking, Cas says, “I’m here. They’re all in the bedroom so I’m ok right now.” 

“Jesus, Cas. Like people, but without faces?” 

Cas looks away, hunches his shoulders. 

“A lot of them?” 

Cas hunches smaller and nods. 

“Jesus,” Dean repeats, pulling Cas into his arms, pressing his mouth to his temple. “That sounds fucking terrifying. Christ, I’m sorry.” 

Still stiff, Cas says, “Why are you sorry?” 

“I would be  _ scared shitless.  _ I can’t believe you’re standing here. You’re amazing and — I love you so goddamn much.” 

“You can leave,” Cas says. “I understand.” 

“Um, no. I’m not leaving. Once we get out of here, I’m going to call Rufus, and then tomorrow you’re going to talk to your doctor, and I’m going to keep you safe.” 

Dean pushes Cas’s hair out of his face to kiss his forehead and Cas leans into him. “Don’t take me to the hospital. Please.” 

“I promise I won’t unless I really think you’re going to like — I would never forgive myself if something happened.” Dean squeezes him tight. “You’re shaking. Let’s get out of here and get some food into you.” 

Cas rolls his eyes when Dean dries him off. “That’s not necessary.” 

“I do a lot of things for you that aren’t necessary,” Dean says, and kisses Cas, quick and gentle. “You know I like you naked, but do you want some clothes?” 

Cas heads to the bedroom to dig out a pair of Dean’s sweatpants and one of Dean’s shirts out of the clean laundry. Dean loves Cas in his clothes, soft and rumpled. Dean hates that Cas looks haunted, like the victim in a horror movie. Dean hates that that’s a good comparison. 

Cas is quiet while they eat, and Dean complains a little but mostly lets Cas have his silence, waiting for Cas to initiate touch after they’re done. Cas pulls Dean’s arm around him, looking off to the side like there’s something to see. 

“I guess the anti-psychotic isn’t working, huh?” 

“I stopped taking it.” 

Dean tries not to gape at him. “What? Why?” 

“I didn’t like the way it makes me feel.” 

“This scares me a lot, Cas.” 

“I understand,” Cas says, starting to pull out from under his arm.

“Come on, stop. I’m not going anywhere. But — I know you see things, but you’ve never been upset like this since I’ve known you.” 

Cas clenches his fist, looking over Dean’s shoulder and then quickly back at him. “I try to — I don’t want you to know. Especially before you loved me. Or maybe after. I don’t know.” 

“Cas,” Dean says, helpless. “I don’t know what to do.” 

“People don’t save each other,” Cas says. 

“I get that. But people can help each other, right? You help me all the time.” 

“You aren’t insane.” 

“Cas,” Dean says again, and he suddenly wants to cry. “You’re right, this isn’t what it’s supposed to be like. But I’m not afraid to stay, ok? Just because you’re sick doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you.” 

Cas flinches, looks nervously over his shoulder. 

“Hey, look at me. They’re not real. I am. I’ll keep you safe.” 

Cas turns to face him. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re real, or if you’re going to become one of them someday.” 

“I’m not,” Dean says, and pulls Cas into a kiss. “I’m real, and that’s never going to happen. Ok?” 

Cas stares at him for a long time. Dean just waits, stroking his thumb across Cas’s cheek. “They’ll still be here,” Cas finally says. 

“So will I.” 

Cas closes his eyes for a moment and then presses closer to Dean, hiding his face against Dean’s neck. Dean rubs his back until Cas’s breathing evens out a bit. 

“Cas, can I ask you something?” 

Cas nods, hair brushing Dean’s jaw. 

“You said you have bipolar, but…” 

“I’m not schizophrenic.” 

“You know I wouldn’t love you any less if you were. Right?” 

“They said ‘schizoaffective’ once. But they said a lot of things.” 

“How’s the fuel economy on that hybrid?” 

“You’ve been reading,” Cas says, but he sounds amused. 

“I read all the time.” 

“You’ve been reading things you haven’t told me about.”

“You caught me. But how am I supposed to take care of you if I don’t know what’s going on?” 

“You’re — no one ever cared. No one even noticed.” 

“Now I’m here to notice.” Dean nuzzles into Cas’s hair. “Is there anything that will make you feel better? Even just a little bit?” 

“I want to watch the fishman movie.” 

“Oh my god. Cas, the lady fucks a fish.” 

Dean didn’t expect that he’d get a smile out of Cas tonight, but there it is, a  _ just-for-Dean  _ smile. Once he thought Cas must smile at everyone like that, because he’s been gifting it to Dean since almost the beginning. 

“He’s not a fish. He’s a merman.” 

They have a brief stare-off and, like usual, Dean relents first. “Ok, fine. But then I get to pick something. You can complain, but you’ll watch it with me anyway.” 

Cas sighs. “I’m having hallucinations of reapers, and you want to watch Gordon Ramsay?” 

“Pretty much.” 

Cas’s eyes dart around the room and he goes tense before focusing back on Dean. “I accept these terms.” 

“We’re renting so you can’t make me watch it again,” Dean says, and pushes the button before Cas can respond. 

Cas tucks back under Dean’s arm. He looks around the room and flinches every so often, but for the most part seems distracted by the tv, playing with Dean’s fingers absently and gasping at all the right moments. 

“This is really weird, Cas,” Dean says mostway through the movie, bent over to repack Cas’s bong.

“I think we should make deviled eggs tomorrow.” 

Dean can’t decide if he should groan or laugh and makes a really stupid noise instead. “Baby, you’re testing the limits of my love here.” 

They smoke through another couple of bowls, feet tangled together on the coffee table. At the end, Dean stares when the credits roll. “Did she just…?” 

“I think so.” 

“Holy shit. That was fucking weird.” 

“I guess it’s your turn now.” 

Dean starts the show but turns his head to look at Cas. “Feeling better at all?” 

“There’s not as many now.”

“Cool,” Dean says, and offers a smile. 

“Kiss me?” 

“Any time, baby,” Dean says, cupping Cas’s cheek in his hand and kissing his forehead first and then his mouth. 

Cas accepts it, but before Dean can pull away, he grabs Dean’s hair and pulls him back for another kiss, tongues touching this time. Dean turns to face him more fully and welcomes Cas closer. 

“I’m not leaving, Cas,” Dean says, foreheads pressed together. “All of this — I hate that this is happening to you, but I’m not going to get scared off. Ok?”

“I’m sorry I’m like this,” Cas says, eyes clenched shut. 

“Psh, I’m not,” Dean says, kissing his cheek. “We don’t really have to watch this. You tired? We can pull the couch out if you don’t want to be in the bedroom.” 

Cas squeezes Dean’s shoulder. “Thank you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably no one is going to get the joke but i think it's hilarious so: schizoaffective disorder is kinda like a hybrid between schizophrenia and ~~bipolar~~ mood disorders


	65. FUCKING CASUAL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“How loud is it in your head right now?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“You’re louder.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Dean laughs. “Are you saying I’m obnoxious?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Often.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cheerleading & corrections from [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com), [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com), and [suckerforcastents](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com)

Cas was feeling ok, so he went off all the meds. 

It’s like falling into a pit after surviving the pendulum, swinging so far down until it’s as bad as it’s ever been. During the day he shakes on the couch, eyes closed, music deafening through earbuds. Sometimes he smokes enough that he manages to exist peacefully with himself for a few minutes. 

He’s pretty sure Dean is real now, most of the time, but maybe it doesn’t matter because he can only breathe when Dean is around, fake or real or something in between.

“Ok, so,” Dean says, rubbing shampoo into Cas’s hair. With enough concentration, Cas can focus wholly on Dean, ignore the voices from somewhere outside. “Charlie wants to know if she can come hang out this week. Like, if you’re ok enough.” 

“What do you tell her about me?” 

“You’re in a rough spot. She gets it. She put up with my drunk ass for a long time. Not that it’s the same but — she doesn’t give up easy, that’s all I’m saying.” Dean shrugs. “Maybe just a movie or something? We respect your two-hour limit.” 

Cas snorts. “So you do tell her things.” 

“Fuck you,” Dean says, smiling. 

Cas gives Dean a considering look while he rinses out his hair, then crowds Dean against the back wall of the shower to kiss him. It gets hot and heavy fast, Cas sliding one hand down Dean’s back to grab his ass. He brushes wet fingertips over Dean’s hole and says, “No, fuck  _ you.”  _

“Do you really want to like this? You know, with those things watching?” 

“Oh,” Cas says, taking a step back and pulling his hands away. “Right.” 

Dean rolls his eyes and grabs Cas’s wrists to pull him back. “I was just asking. I really want to, but it’s ok if you don’t.” 

“I like touching you. I like making you feel good.” 

“Ok, ok. But not in the shower.” 

Dean still has water running out of his hair afterwards when Cas points to the bed. “Hands and knees.” 

Dean licks his lips and gets into bed, then goes down to his chest when Cas presses between his shoulder blades. Dean shivers when Cas slowly runs his hand to the small of his back. “Can I tongue-fuck you?” 

“Yeah,” Dean says, hand clenching in the comforter. 

“I could use your help,” Cas says. Dean reaches back to hold himself open, and Cas says, “Good boy,” just loud enough for Dean to hear him. He tries not to feel smug about how quickly Dean melts.

Dean’s breath catches at the first tickle-touch of Cas’s tongue, and he keens softly when Cas gives him the first real lick, and then Cas has to hold him still with a hand on his lower back, still damp from the shower and now sweat. Dean cries out when Cas pushes in a finger and starts to lick around Dean’s rim stretched around it. 

“Cas,” Dean whimpers. 

“Are you asking for more?” 

“Fuck, please.” 

Cas takes his time anyway, keeps twisting and licking around a single finger, until Dean starts to squirm and gasp  _ Cas, Cas.  _ He gives Dean another one, wet with spit, slowly, spreading his fingertips to slide his tongue in deeper. Dean’s trembling a little, the way he does when Cas keeps him so close to coming without letting him have it. 

“So greedy,” Cas says with a smile, pulling his fingers out to slick them up with lube. He slides three back in, as deep as he can get, and Dean wails. Cas softly kisses each of his back dimples, nuzzles into the dip at the small of his back. “I want to fist you again soon. You were so pretty.” 

Dean shudders and moans, a clear agreement, and moans again when Cas wraps his hand around Dean’s cock and strokes. Cas loves him like this, strung out on Cas’s touch — Cas’s love, too — and for awhile Cas is a little less afraid. 

“Come for me,” Cas says, and Dean does with a whine. “Good boy.” 

Dean pants against the pillow while Cas grabs a towel from the bathroom. He’s careful not to look in the mirror, not sure what he’ll see. Dean is still face-down ass-up when Cas sits next to him after tossing the towel towards the hamper, smiling lazily like he’s just too happy to move quite yet. “Gonna let me suck your cock?” 

Cas looks down at himself, hard and insistent against his stomach. “You’ll be in trouble if you don’t.” 

Dean grins and clambers between Cas’s legs, then pauses, eyes tilted up at him, like waiting for permission. Cas grabs Dean by the hair and guides him downwards, humming approvingly when Dean takes him into his mouth. It’s been enough days since they did this that Cas lets Dean take him in at his own pace. 

Dean squeezes Cas’s thigh in request. “Is this what you want?” Cas says, and shoves Dean down on his cock. 

Dean jerks like he’s surprised, chokes, but Cas holds him down until he relaxes again, lets him up for a breath, pushes him back down, shifts his hips to fuck up into Dean’s throat. “There you go, sweetheart,” Cas says when the first tear falls. “In your mouth or on your face?” 

Dean moans and grabs Cas’s hip to urge him deeper. “Good choice.” 

Cas grips Dean’s hair tight when he comes, wanting to feel Dean’s throat flutter around him. He’s not disappointed, and he holds Dean down until he’s completely done with him. 

Dean is heaving for breath but smiling when Cas lets him go, a streak of come on his chin where some escaped from between his lips. Cas wipes it away with his thumb and pulls Dean up into his arms. 

“Thank you,” Cas says. 

Dean lays his head on Cas’s shoulder, breathing still harsh against his collar bone. “Thank you. Holy fuck.” 

Cas laughs. “Good?” 

“You know it was, asshole.” 

Cas tilts his head to kiss one of the tear tracks on Dean’s cheek. “What night did Charlie want to come over?” 

 

Cas tries not to look at anything but Dean because he hates the look on Dean’s face when he lets on that he’s surrounded, but he’s a little anxious and so the things are scarier and his ability to pretend is worse. 

“Hey,” Dean says, poking at Cas to get his attention. “We can reschedule if today’s no good.” 

“No, it’s —” Cas takes a deep breath, lets it out slow. “It’ll be fine. I can’t believe you haven’t seen Heroes.” 

“I’m not as much of a geek as you two, I guess,” Dean says.

“That is a bald-faced lie, Dean.” 

Before Dean can answer, there’s a banging at the door. Cas and Dean stand at the same time, but Cas beats him to unlocking and opening it. 

Charlie bursts in in a whirlwind of red hair and the smell of Chinese food. “Cas!” she squeals and shoves the food into Dean’s hands to open her arms for Cas, an offer with no expectation. 

Cas blushes and steps into a hug. Charlie’s so much smaller, but somehow her hugs are as big as Dean’s. “I’m so glad to see you,” she says, squeezing Cas’s shoulders when she pulls away. 

“You too,” Cas says, meaning it. 

“Should I go then so y’all can have your date?” Dean says. 

Charlie punches him in the arm. “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Heroes. Fucking casual.” 

“Dean just informed me he’s not a geek like us.” 

“He asked me to keep the box with his Magic decks in it in my garage so you wouldn’t know.” 

“Goddammit, Charlie. That was in the vault!” 

Charlie shrugs and pushes past them to flop on the couch. “Food me, beer me, weed me.” 

“Two of three coming up,” Dean says. “Cas’ll handle the weed.” 

There’s one over Charlie’s shoulder, but Cas focuses on his grinder and hands over the bong and lighter without really looking. By the time Cas has passed back to Charlie, Dean has delivered food and then beer. 

_ Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? _

When the food’s done, Cas presses under Dean’s arm, lulled by Charlie and Dean’s banter, Dean’s speculation about the man with the horn-rimmed glasses, an argument on if Mohinder or Niki is hotter that ends at an impasse when Dean admits that, yes, Niki is alarmingly beautiful and that  _ could-kick-my-ass  _ thing really does it for him. 

Cas tries to tamp down his laugh, but Dean turns his head to glare. “Shut up.” 

It’s three episodes later and the dark is starting to close in around Cas when Charlie glances at her phone. “R and D are headed home from their date. I don’t even have to be on the date to get the great-date sex so I’m out of here, bitches.” 

Charlie leans over the couch to hug Cas first. “Good to see you. Text me sometime if you feel up to it.” 

Cas doesn’t move while Dean shuts and locks the door behind her. They’re both pretty stoned, Dean moving like his limbs are especially heavy and collapsing gracelessly back on the couch with Cas. “You ok?” Dean says, giving Cas a loopy smile. “How loud is it in your head right now?” 

“You’re louder.” 

Dean laughs. “Are you saying I’m obnoxious?” 

“Often.” 

“Ba-aby,” Dean whines, tucking against Cas’s side, kissing his neck. “Wanna fuck me?” 

“Hm,” Cas says, looking down to watch Dean’s hand creeping down his stomach and then under his shirt. “I’ll think about it.” 

“How nice do I have to ask?” 

“Depends on how much I can hurt you.”

Dean moans against Cas’s neck, shifting to climb halfway onto Cas’s lap. “Please, Cas.” 

Cas slides his hand down the back of Dean’s jeans to find lace under his fingertips. “Oh, really? You didn’t tell me.” 

“Wanted to surprise you.” 

“You might be too stoned for a beating or sex,” Cas says, smiling and kissing Dean’s temple. 

“Never,” Dean says, and then murmurs against Cas’s ear in that soft way Cas can’t say no to, “Please, Cas. I’ll be good.” 

Cas closes his eyes and takes a steadying breath. “If you misbehave, we’re stopping and I’m putting you to bed immediately. Do you understand?” 

“Yeah.” Dean pinches one of Cas’s nipples and bites at his neck. “C’mon.” 

Cas pushes Dean off of him, and Dean clings to Cas’s belt loops down the hall and into the bedroom. Dean is giggling and bright and lets Cas maneuver him around to get out of his clothes except the panties, the dark pink lace that Dean is always so shy and pleased to wear for Cas. Dean’s mostly hard and twitches when Cas cups him through the fabric. 

“On your stomach,” Cas says, laughing when Dean collapses onto the bed. “You are incorrigible.” 

“I think you mean ‘adorable.’”

Cas smacks Dean’s ass bare-handed. “Are you ready for bed already?” 

“Sorry, sorry,” Dean says, smiling up at him. 

“I hope so, because I’d really like to fuck you tonight.” 

Cas strips off his clothes and grabs the leather paddle from the drawer. He runs the edge of it down the center of Dean’s back, watching goosebumps rise. “I’m going to take care of you,” Cas says. 

Dean’s eyes flutter closed and he bites his lip, makes a needy noise, rolling his hips into the mattress, too desperate to wait for Cas. “Be good,” Cas says, pinching his ass. 

Cas knows Dean’s first instinct is to give him a cheeky  _ yessir!  _ but to his credit he just nods, so Cas slaps the paddle across his ass without preamble. Dean grunts and then stills, waiting with held breath for the next hit. 

Cas has done a lot of things with a lot of people in a variety of configurations, and he has liked pretty much all of them, but he’s never played with someone who likes pain as much as Dean does. It never felt special like with Dean, either, like Dean never questions that Cas will be there to catch him. 

Cas spanks Dean until the cheeks of his ass are mottled, the same deep pink as the panties, until he’s whimpering every time the paddle comes down. 

Cas pauses, just gently squeezing Dean’s ass while he trembles. “Hurts?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Feels good?” 

“Yeah.” 

“More?” 

Dean lets out a little sob and arches his back to push into Cas’s hands. 

“Lift up,” Cas says, and he pulls the panties off Dean’s hips. The fabric is wet, almost soaked, and Cas ignores the shadow waiting in the doorway when he tosses them towards the hamper. “Are you sure? These bruises are going to be bad.” 

“Just a little more,” Dean says. “Please.” 

Cas cracks his palm down on one side of Dean’s ass. Dean’s toes curl and he whispers,  _ “Cas.” _

“Yes, darling?” 

“Fuck.” Dean takes a slow breath. “Fuck.”

Cas hits him, three sharp smacks on each side, and Dean cries out each time. Cas knows all of Dean’s sounds by now, and this is the one right before he starts to choke from all the begs in his throat. 

“Shh,” Cas says. “What do you need?” 

“Fuck me.” 

“Turn over for me, sweetheart.” 

Dean is even more sluggish now, higher than he was before Cas got out the paddle, but he smiles so beautiful and content to see Cas’s face, relaxed despite his arousal. 

“Have I ever told you,” Cas starts, but stops himself. Unsure if this is real, unsure if he’ll feel this so intensely on a better day. Unsure if there are words for it anyway. 

“What?” Dean says, reaching to pull Cas between his legs, hooking ankles around his thighs and kissing him before he can answer.

“You have to let go of me,” Cas says, smiling. Dean’s arms tighten around him and then he lets go so Cas can find the lube. 

The quiet sound Dean makes when Cas first gets his fingers inside him is possibly better than when he gets so loud he’s hoarse with it afterwards. Dean arches his hips to try to take him deeper, licks his lips, tilts his chin in a silent offering. 

Cas waits until he’s got the head of his cock pressed up against Dean’s hole, then slaps him across the face twice before pushing in, a slow, deep slide. Dean whines and grabs for Cas’s shoulders, pulling him down so Dean can press his face into Cas’s neck, gasping and moaning. 

“Shh,” Cas says, a hand in Dean’s hair to angle him up for another kiss. “You’ve been so good. I love you so much.” 

Cas loves the way Dean looks at him when they’re like this, no tenseness around his eyes, just an open smile, pressing kisses to the corner of Cas’s mouth and the line of his jaw, nails biting into Cas’s back where Dean’s wrapped around him. 

Dean’s cock is slippery with precome between them, and he shudders when Cas starts to stroke him. “You’re so pretty when you come,” Cas murmurs. 

“You too, come on,” Dean says, running his hands down Cas’s back to grab his ass like he wants him deeper. He starts chanting  _ Cas, Cas  _ under his breath and he comes like a slow wave rolls through him, clutching at Cas like he can’t get enough.

Cas comes with the same kind of molten heat, feeling it so hard and so deep that it leaves him boneless and blissful against Dean. 

“Jesus, Cas,” Dean whispers, nuzzling against Cas’s cheek. 

“Agreed.” 

“Not loving the inability to breathe though.”

Cas laughs weakly and rolls next to Dean. “Sorry.” 

Without even waiting for Cas to settle, Dean presses back against him, smiling and kissing. “Thanks, baby.” 

“Thank you.” Cas slides his hand down to feel Dean’s ass, still hot to the touch, and then to touch Dean’s wet hole, pushing his own come back into Dean without consciously thinking about doing it.

Dean sighs sleepily. “I’m going to bed now.”

Dean’s still half-awake as Cas wipes them down, but as soon as he’s got Cas’s arms back around him, he mumbles “goodnight” and is out. Cas lays awake with his face in Dean’s hair, just breathing.

“Have I ever told you how lucky I am,” Cas whispers. “To have you to love me.”


	66. INTERLUDE #19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _**Dean:** Just bc I’m on break doesn’t mean you have to send me dirty pictures_   
>  _**Dean:** I can tell you just jerked off so it’s definitely dirty_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hat-tip to my peeps [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com), [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com), and [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com)

A picture of Cas sleep-rumpled and unshaven, laid out on the couch. 

**Cas:** Lost track of time. Are you on break yet? 

**Dean:** Hey baby. Just bc I’m on break doesn’t mean you have to send me dirty pictures   
**Dean:** I can tell you just jerked off so it’s definitely dirty

**Cas:** I enjoyed the jerking off quite a bit, if you were wondering. 

**Dean:** Thinking about me or something else? 

**Cas:** It’s always about you. Sometimes you with clones. 

**Dean:** That would be a fucking awesome clone club. A+ fantasy 

**Cas:** Do you think about specific things? I mostly think about what it’s like to touch you, not any particular act.

**Dean:** I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but sometimes I think about women and it’s like watching porn you know? But I think about you a lot more and I guess it’s not specific. Except maybe thinking about stuff you’ve said to me 

**Cas:** What kind of stuff? 

**Dean:** Gotta go

**Cas:** We’ll reconvene later. I expect an answer. 

 

A picture of Jo and Garth at the picnic table with Dean, laughing, and then half an hour later: 

**Dean:** You called me your whore

**Cas:** I did, twice. I think you were embarrassed to like it. I’m sorry. 

**Dean:** No I mean that’s what I think about sometimes

Long pause. 

**Cas:** Are you ashamed? 

**Dean:** Not really. You said it first so I figure you like it

**Cas:** I’m taking notes for future encounters. 

**Dean:** I don’t want you to be mean to me or anything   
**Dean:** I just like the idea of being yours I guess

**Cas:** You are mine. 

 

A picture of Dean, smiling in the sun with a Dr. Pepper can in one hand.

**Dean:** Benny wants to go out for a beer. You wanna come and/or ok if I go? 

**Cas:** Why would you ask my permission to do something with your friends? 

**Dean:** Dude I’m not asking permission but if you need me I’ll come home 

**Cas:** I’m fine. 

 

A picture of Cas naked in the bathroom mirror, hair wet and wild. 

**Dean:** Baby come on, you don’t have to do that every day

**Cas:** I knew you had a good work ethic but I didn’t realize the extremes you’ll go to. I think you should leave your phone at home from now on. 

**Dean:** Stfu   
**Dean:** What are you working on today? 

**Cas:** If you’re asking about writing, I’m taking a break, but you will be glad to know I’m folding laundry shortly.

**Dean:** Satan is snowboarding around hell right now

**Cas:** How many winter sports do you know? You are always telling me a new version of “hell frozen over.” 

**Dean:** I’ve been holding off on a Jamaica bobsled joke bc nothing has come to me yet

**Cas:** I can’t wait to hear it. 

 

A selfie of Dean in the Impala, sandwich in hand. 

**Cas:** When you’re at work I sometimes go as long as 5 minutes where I forget how gorgeous you are. 

**Dean:** Shut up

 

A picture of the closet, disturbingly neat, and then one of a pulled-out t-shirt drawer whose neatness is even more disturbing. 

**Dean:** Were YOU replaced by a clone??    
**Dean:** Or is this like a manic thing? This is new behavior for you 

**Cas:** I know I’m a shitty roommate. I’m trying to do better. 

**Dean:** None of my previous roommates gave me blowjobs, so I don’t really care about laundry    
**Dean:** But seriously how are you today? 

**Cas:** Not too bad. 

**Dean:** You alone or a lot of things hanging out with you? 

**Cas:** I’ve been trying to teach them to fold shirts, but they don’t seem to be catching on.    
**Cas:** That was a joke. 

**Dean:** Hahaha that would be cool though, if you could put them to work 

**Cas:** Alas, it hasn’t happened for me yet. 

**Dean:** Put one on the phone. I’m the most terrifying thing in this goddamn forest

**Cas:** Granny is proud of you.

 

A picture of the train tracks Dean is stopped in front of. 

**Dean:** Didn’t beat the train today 

**Cas:** I’m very hungry. Please hurry. 

**Dean:** I’m ignoring that   
**Dean:** Can we do the collar thing tonight? 

**Cas:** Of course.

**Dean:** Ok, as soon as I get home 

**Cas:** I can’t wait. :) 

  
  



	67. OFF THE DEEP END

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The noise of the tv fades instantly, everything zeroing in to the softness of Dean’s mouth, the brush of their tongues together. Cas tugs at Dean’s hair and says, “Time to make a movie.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey some people named [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) and [kreweofimp](http://kreweofimp.tumblr.com) and [7faerielights](http://7faerielights.tumblr.com) looked at this

“I’d like to take a video of you fingering yourself.” 

“Hmm?” 

“I’d like to watch.”

“It’s better when you do it.” 

Cas laughs and kisses the top of Dean’s head. Dean snorts at something John Oliver is saying, and then says, “I’ll make you a deal.” 

“I’m listening.” 

Dean sits up off Cas’s shoulder to look at him, a cheeky smile on his face. “We’ll make your video, but then you have to finger me, too.” 

Cas tilts his head, squints as he considers. “I’m not sure. You know how much I hate that.” 

“You’re such an asshole,” Dean says, laughing and smacking him in the shoulder. 

Cas grabs his wrist before he can fully take his hand back, squeezing his fingers in warning. Cas arches an eyebrow and Dean’s eyes widen the tiniest bit. “You’re hitting me?” 

Dean’s smile gets bigger. “You gonna punish me for it?” 

Cas lets go of Dean’s wrist to slap him. Dean gasps and whispers, “Sorry.” 

“You will be,” Cas says. He stands, grabs Dean by the hair to pull him to his feet. “Go.” 

Dean stumbles down the hall and Cas follows, pondering if this is a good time for a new toy. In the bedroom, Dean turns towards Cas. Cas smacks him again and points to the bed. “Clothes off. On your stomach.” 

Dean is quick about it, head turned on the bed to watch Cas. Cas looks over him slowly, the lovely flex of his shoulders, the dip and dimples at his lower back, the way he shifts his legs wider under Cas’s gaze. Cas leans over to kiss Dean’s cheek and murmur in his ear, “My beautiful whore. What are you hoping for?” 

Dean blushes and takes a shaky breath. “Anything. Everything.”

“Something new? It’s going to hurt.” 

“Yeah, ok,” Dean says. He smiles when Cas kisses his cheek again. 

Cas runs his fingertips down Dean’s spine as he walks to the closet. The cane is hidden in the back, behind formal clothes they never wear. “Close your eyes,” Cas says, and Dean does. 

Cas approaches slowly, watching Dean tense in anticipation. “Tell me if it’s too much or you don’t like it.” 

“Cas, I know,” Dean says.

Cas swats him across the ass with the cane and Dean yelps. “Are you being impertinent?” 

“No, baby.” 

Cas swats him again, then takes a moment to run his hand along the pink stripe across Dean’s skin. “Ok?”

“Yeah,” Dean says, breathless. 

Cas squeezes Dean’s ass and flicks the cane again, watching Dean’s hands clench in the sheets. It doesn’t take much to have Dean whining and squirming every time the cane touches him, though Cas is barely hitting him at all. The pink stripes fade fast. 

“Does it count as punishment if you don’t feel it tomorrow?” Cas says, conversationally, because he knows it drives Dean crazy when Cas acts like he’s completely in control of this situation, like the need to claim and love doesn’t crawl under his skin every second. “Or maybe that’s punishment in itself.” 

“Please,” Dean says. 

Cas hits Dean, much harder, three times in a row, and Dean cries out, painfully gorgeous in his need. Cas has to press his hand against his own cock, throbbing in his sweatpants, and then he keeps hitting Dean, steadily harder, over and over, until Dean’s ass and thighs are striped red and mottled. Dean is wailing at each impact, knuckles white, but Cas knows Dean’s hard and leaking between his belly and the sheets. 

The next one breaks skin, and Cas drops the cane — it clatters on the floor — and says, “Fuck, I’m sorry.” 

Dean blinks his eyes open slowly. “What for?” 

“You’re bleeding. Don’t move; I’ll be right back.” 

“Cas —” 

Cas rushes from bathroom to kitchen and back to Dean. There’s blood beading in a straight line across Dean’s ass. “Fuck,” Cas says again, “I’m sorry.” 

Dean sits up on his elbows, craning his neck like he thinks he’ll be able to see. “Baby, it’s ok.” 

“Don’t move. Let me take care of this.” 

“Stop freaking out.” Dean grabs Cas’s hand, squeezing. “I’m ok.” 

Cas’s hands shake a little while he wipes away blood, carefully spreads neosporin across the cut, lays a towel and a cold pack across the worst of the welts. He doesn’t look at Dean’s face, unsure of what he would see. 

“Hey,” Dean says. “Come here.” 

Cas lays down and lets Dean sling an arm over his middle and pull him close. Dean murmurs, “I was hoping you were going to fuck me, too.” 

“I hurt you.” 

“Well, yeah. I wanted you to.” 

Cas presses his lips to Dean’s forehead and closes his eyes. “That was too much.” 

“Ok,” Dean says, fondly, “then we don’t do it again. That easy, right?” 

Cas cups Dean’s jaw, running his thumb over Dean’s cheekbone. “Yes. That easy.” 

“This ice isn’t lasting very long because I want to cuddle you better.” 

Cas laughs a little. “You can wait for a bit.” 

Dean touches Cas’s chin, turning his head to meet his eyes. “Love you.” 

“I love you too,” Cas says. 

Dean grabs the cold pack and towel and tosses them to the floor, then turns to wrap his arms and legs around Cas, nuzzling against his cheek. “That was a really good ‘something new.’” 

Cas turns, too, so they’re nose to nose. Dean kisses him softly and twists his fingers in the hair on the back of Cas’s head. Still close enough that they’re both a little cross-eyed trying to look at each other, Dean says, “Please don’t be upset. I’m not. I liked it.” 

“You trust me,” Cas says, quiet between them. “I want to deserve that.” 

“You’ve really gone off the deep end if you think you don’t.” 

Cas laughs and kisses Dean again, hand flat on his lower back to hold him close. Dean slides his hand down Cas’s stomach and tugs at the elastic around his waist. “We don’t have to fuck, but all these clothes need to go. And take your pills.” 

Cas rolls out of Dean’s arms to pull his clothes off, dropping t-shirt and sweatpants over the side of the bed. He turns his back so Dean can’t watch him pop open pill bottles and swallow with a sip of water. He doesn’t meet Dean’s eyes when he lays back down.

“Mm, better,” Dean says, wrapping himself back around Cas and tucking his face into his neck. “We can make your video tomorrow, ok? That beating wore me out.” 

Cas squeezes him a little tighter. “Sweet dreams, sweetheart.” 

Dean mumbles something and goes lax and soft in Cas’s arms. Cas isn’t sleeping as much as he’d like, but things are safe with Dean, so he stays in bed even in the long minutes between dozes, wondering what Dean is dreaming about when he twitches and murmurs. 

 

**Dean:** Holy fuck look 

Moments later, a picture of Dean, jeans around his thighs, twisted around to see his ass in the mirror in the garage bathroom. There are purple welts striping his ass and the top of his thighs. Cas stares, barely breathing. 

**Dean:** Every time I feel it I wish I was touching you   
**Dean:** Basically I haven’t stopped thinking about you today

**Cas:** I’m speechless. You’re so fucking beautiful. 

**Dean:** Send me something. Quick before I have to go back 

Cas has barely gotten out of bed, just long enough for the necessities, and he’s curled up on Dean’s side of the mattress with a book Dean loves. He hides the lower half of his face behind the open paperback and takes a picture. He looks tired, he looks like he’s stupidly in love with the man on the other end of the text thread. 

**Dean:** Ha! You like it don’t you?? 

**Cas:** “Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men.”

**Dean:** Ha!!!    
**Dean:** Gotta go, talk later

 

Cas makes it through a shower and the dishes and prepping dinner before Dean gets home from work. He’s on the couch with the book, smoke dancing in the evening light, when Dean turns the lock. 

“You’re so sexy with a book in your hands,” Dean says, grinning and leaning down to give Cas a quick kiss.”I’ll see you in a few.” 

Cas finishes up dinner while Dean showers. When Dean meets him in the kitchen, there’s still drops of water sliding down the side of his neck and he’s holding his collar, smiling shyly. “Can we?” 

The leather is soft with wear and Cas buckles the collar carefully around Dean’s neck. Cas hooks his finger in the ring at the front to pull Dean in for a kiss. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Yeah, me too,” Dean says. “Rough day?” 

“I — worried a little.” 

“About last night?” 

Cas nods, looks at the collar so he doesn’t have to look at Dean’s eyes. 

“Baby, seriously,” Dean says, bumping their noses together. “I like to be hurt, and you like to hurt me, so that’s awesome. We’re ok. You still wanna make a video tonight?” 

“If you’d like.”

“I mean, I know you’re just going to torture me by jerking off to it and then sending me pictures while I’m at work, but I’m used to that by now.” 

Cas kisses him, chaste and sweet, and says, “Go kneel by the couch.” 

Cas lingers in the kitchen, just because he likes to make Dean squirm, but Dean waits quietly while Cas settles on the couch with a plate of food, two beers on the coffee table. 

Dean says, “Am I going to hate this?” 

Cas grabs Dean’s chin and wrenches his head upwards to expose the pretty line of his throat. “It doesn’t matter, because you’re doing what I want tonight.” 

Dean grins. “Got it.” 

Cas squints and Dean tamps down his smile, though his eyes are still glittering. Cas feeds the  first bite to Dean, watching with an arched eyebrow for Dean’s reaction. They both know Cas wouldn’t really ask Dean to eat something he can’t stand, but Dean smiles when Cas offers him another bite. 

Dean glances at his beer and Cas says, “You can drink whenever you want.” 

Dean takes a gulp while Cas eats a few bites, then offers another to Dean. It’s quiet, just the sound of breath and smiles, shadows fading into the hallway. Once the food is gone, Dean hugs Cas around the calf, nuzzling the outside of his knee. “We should let my food baby go down before any videos happen.” 

“I’ll clean up, and I know you’re dying to find out if LA comes back.” 

“Shut up,” Dean says.

Dean’s shifted to lean his back against the couch, legs crossed, when Cas returns. Cas sits behind him, knees on either side of Dean’s shoulders, and strokes his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean tilts his head back to smile up at him, and it almost hurts, the goodness of this moment. 

“Can I have a kiss?” Dean says. 

“Yes, of course. Come up here.” 

Dean climbs up onto the couch but waits for Cas to initiate the kiss. The noise of the tv fades instantly, everything zeroing in to the softness of Dean’s mouth, the brush of their tongues together. Cas tugs at Dean’s hair and says, “Time to make a movie.” 

“How do you want me?” 

“In bed, however you do it when you’re alone.” 

Cas follows Dean into the bedroom and fiddles with his phone while Dean undresses and lays in bed, knees falling open obscenely. Cas starts the camera and approaches the bed, panning slowly up Dean’s body to his flushed face. Cas says, “Do you usually watch porn?” 

“Sometimes. And sometimes — the videos you’ve sent me.” 

“Show me,” Cas says, handing Dean the bottle of lube. 

Dean bites his lip when his fingertips brush over his nipple. Cas aches to touch but holds himself back, just filming Dean’s soft gasp when he pinches and twists himself. 

Dean’s other hand gives his cock a squeeze, urging it into hardness. “Good boy,” Cas says, and Dean blushes, cock jerking in his grip. Cas repeats, “Show me.” 

Dean slicks up his fingers and trails a  slick touch down the underside of his cock, the seam of his balls, between his legs. He keeps glancing nervously at Cas, so Cas says, “Close your eyes.” Dean does, and shivers when Cas runs his hand up Dean’s thigh. “Shh. You’re perfect.” 

Dean spreads his legs wider, and Cas moves to the end of the bed so the camera can see the way he reaches to circle his hole with a wet finger, calves twitching at the first touch. Cas presses a knee onto the bed to lean closer, fingers wrapped around Dean’s ankle. They both gasp softly when Dean pushes a finger past his rim.

Dean is quicker, less careful with himself than Cas is, three fingers deep before it can be comfortable, but he’s moaning and arching his back, cock leaking pretty and untouched against his belly. 

“Does it feel good?” Cas says. 

Dean whimpers and says, “Yeah.” 

“Do you fuck yourself wishing it was my cock?” 

“Y-yeah.” 

“Don’t stop,” Cas says, backing away to set up the tripod. Even with his back turned, he can feel Dean’s eyes on him like a physical touch. 

“Cas,” Dean moans, and Cas looks over his shoulder to see him, wanton in the sheets, fucking himself as hard and as deep as he can. 

Cas just looks, long enough that Dean starts to blush and shift nervously again, but when Cas smiles, he smiles back and that’ll probably end up being Cas’s favorite part of the video. 

Cas pulls off his clothes while Dean watches, his hand slowing as he’s distracted. It slows more when Cas crawls between his thighs. “Keep going,” Cas says, watching Dean’s fingers disappear into himself while Cas finds the lube hidden in the blanket. 

Dean trembles when Cas tucks his hand underneath Dean’s, drawing his wrist back so Cas can slide a finger in along with Dean’s. “Oh fuck,” Dean says under his breath, and Cas smiles, guiding the slow movement of their hands. 

“What do you want?” Cas says, rubbing the pad of his thumb where Dean is stretched around four fingers. 

“Um,” Dean says, panting. “Maybe — fuck me.” 

“Ok,” Cas says. He leans down to kiss Dean’s hip, pulling their fingers free. “Can I keep recording?” 

Dean looks over at the phone like he’d forgotten it was there. “Oh. Yeah, that’s cool.” 

Cas lubes up his cock and presses into Dean with shallow little thrusts, bending to kiss him. Dean moans into the kiss the first time Cas goes deep, wraps his legs and arms around him. “Fuck, please,” Dean breathes. 

“Please what?” Cas says, smiling into the side of Dean’s neck. 

“Oh fuck, that feels good.” 

This will be Cas’s favorite part of the video, even though there’s probably not anything particularly interesting happening on camera, but because of the way Dean kisses him, like it’s his favorite thing to do. 

“I love you,” Dean says, and Cas tries to hide how hard it hits him, the almost-casual way Dean says it now, like it’s almost too obvious to repeat.

Cas takes Dean’s mouth in another sweet and languid kiss, wrapping a hand around his cock to stroke him with a tight, twisting fist. Dean tightens around him and Cas groans softly against his temple. “Come on,” Dean murmurs. “Let me feel you.” 

Cas shudders and comes after several more long kisses, and then he shifts down to suck Dean’s cock, two fingers pushing come back inside him, until he’s swallowing Dean’s release.

Dean manhandles Cas into position next to him, legs tangled together. “That was really good,” Dean whispers. 

“It was,” Cas says. “Thank you.” 

“Can we watch more Cheer Squad?” 

Cas snorts, then laughs out loud. “Sometimes it seems like you think wearing the collar means we do whatever  _ you  _ want.” 

“It doesn’t?” Dean says, attempting an innocent smile. 

Cas pinches under Dean’s ribs just to make him yelp. “We’ll watch, but we’re pausing for you to suck my cock as soon as I can get hard again. 

Dean grins. “Promise?” 

“Promise.” 


	68. USUALLY :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The more he shakes, the more aware he is of the blinding pressure of heavy glass against his prostate, the tightness of his skin where wax has cooled, and he just keeps rising, past the ceiling and into the clouds._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com). thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) and [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com) for the beta. 
> 
> as always, thanks to every one of you who has been, will be, or is now reading along. <3

A picture of Cas’s cock, thick and pretty with his hand around it, come splashed up his belly. 

**Cas:** Good morning.

**Dean:** Jesus

**Cas:** You’re thinking about gagging on it, aren’t you? 

**Dean:** Fuck I am now

**Cas:** I just had a thought. 

**Dean:** Am I going to like it? 

**Cas:** Two thoughts, actually. First, I want to see how pretty you are with mascara running down your face. Secondly, there’s something else I want to try, but I’d like it to be a surprise. Is that agreeable or would you rather I tell you?

**Dean:** That’s cool. Your ideas are usually good ones

**Cas:** USUALLY :)

**Dean:** Are you alone today? 

**Cas:** Yes, in fact. 

**Dean:** Man that makes me happy. Ily

**Cas:** You too. Be good today. Don’t think too much about my cock down your throat. 

**Dean:** I hate you 

 

Their apartment is quiet when Dean gets home, but Cas has left gifts on the coffee table. The note says,  _ Be home soon. Get ready for me.  _ Underneath is Dean’s collar and the foursome of cuffs. There’s a plug, too, new and bigger than the others. When Dean picks it up, he finds a pink jewel on the base. “Seriously?” he mutters, but he’s blushing a little, his stomach tingling with the promise in Cas’s scrawl. 

Dean cleans up thoroughly but quickly and sits on the bed, naked and damp, to buckle the collar around his neck and a cuff around each wrist and ankle. His mind spins with possibilities. Sometimes Cas likes to truss him up and just look at him, likes to watch Dean struggle. But recently they bought a restraint system so Cas can hook him to the bed spread-eagle and do whatever he wants, turn Dean into a trembling mess of need. He’s not even sure what he’s hoping for, and maybe that’s the point — Cas decides. 

Dean pokes his phone to see if a message came in from Cas when he was in the shower. There’s nothing, so Dean grabs the plug and lube and lies back against the mattress. 

He’s nervous about taking so much time that Cas will get home before the toy is in him, so he moves fast with a couple of fingers and then presses the pointed tip of the plug against his hole. The glass and lube are both chilled, but he presses forward anyway, closing his eyes to imagine the way Cas rode him the last time they fucked, Dean’s hand over Cas’s mouth and nose. 

Dean’s still worried about time, but he doesn’t push the toy in all at once, just eases it in with the shallowest of thrusts that open him a little wider each time. There’s a tremor in his thighs by the time he reaches the widest part and then takes all of it to the base. It’s not like Cas’s fist, but it’s bigger than his dick, enough for an intense stretch. 

Dean whimpers and trails his hand from between his legs over his cock, stroking twice before he realizes Cas didn’t give him permission to do it. He drops his hand to his side and squeezes the blanket, trying not to move his hips too much, because every shift of the plug inside him makes his cock twitch and dribble precome. 

It seems like forever before he hears the lock turn. Cas is an asshole and takes his time taking off his shoes, unloading his pockets, fiddling around in the kitchen. Dean’s restless and biting his lip to keep from whining, clenching around the toy in anticipation. 

Finally Cas is standing in the bedroom doorway. His eyes darken but his expression doesn’t change otherwise, and he doesn’t say anything, just looks over Dean slowly. Dean blushes and stares back, tense and desperate to be touched. 

Cas approaches and clips each of Dean’s arms and legs to a corner of the bed, still silent. He goes into the closet and comes out with a blindfold. Dean raises his head obediently for Cas to slip it over his eyes. Before Cas steps back, he leans closer to kiss the corner of Dean’s mouth. 

Cas leaves the room. Dean is hyper-aware of the sound of his socked feet on the floors, but even without that, the air changes when Cas is in the room with him, an electric sizzle between them, even when Dean’s blindfolded.

A crinkling bag and a cup are set down on the table. A cap pops. The bed dips when Cas presses a knee into it, and then his hands are rubbing oil over Dean’s chest and stomach, his thighs. It’s not exactly a massage, more like the quiet, worshipful touches Cas gives him sometimes that don’t even lead anywhere, and Dean relaxes, grounded by his hands. 

“Do you remember your safeword?” Cas says, and it pulls Dean out of the fluffy space he was fading into.

“Yeah,” Dean says. 

Cas steps back and a lighter clicks. “Babe, seriously?” Dean says, and Cas laughs. 

“I need you to talk to me,” Cas says. “If you’re not having fun for any reason, tell me and we’ll stop.” 

“Ok,” Dean says, curious now. 

There’s a crunching sound, and then Cas leans down again and licks a slow, freezing cold stripe up Dean’s cock. “Holy fuck!” Dean says. Cas’s mouth is warming quickly as he sucks at the head of Dean’s cock, but Dean’s covered in goosebumps and pulling a little against the cuffs. 

Next it’s not Cas’s mouth but the tip of an ice cube circling slowly around one of Dean’s nipples and then the other. Dean whimpers and Cas murmurs, “Good boy.” 

Cas eats another piece of ice, and then he’s sucking each of Dean’s balls into his cold mouth, and Dean pulls against the cuffs again. Cas laughs, quiet and dark, and then he’s not touching Dean at all. 

The next touch is a burning drip on Dean’s stomach, just under his rib cage, and Dean jerks away from it, intensely reminded of the plug spreading him open. Cas flicks the head of Dean’s cock with a fingernail and Dean whimpers. 

“Ok?” Cas says. 

“Yeah,” Dean says, panting.  

Ice in a slow slide down the underside of Dean’s cock, and a line of dripping heat up his sternum. Dean clenches his fists and whines. 

“Hmm?” Cas says. “Do you have something to say?” 

Icy fingers run across Dean’s lips, and when he opens, Cas shoves three into his mouth and pumps them in and out, a simulation of his cock taking Dean rough and inconsiderate. Dean moans, and then moans again when wax drops on the top of his thigh, slipping around to the tender inside. 

Cas pulls out his fingers, streaking spit over Dean’s chin, and smacks him. Dean’s back arches and the plug presses hard and Dean’s trembling again, thick heat splashing over one of his nipples and then in a line across his chest to the other. 

Dean can’t breathe, as sure as if Cas’s hand was around his throat, and he flinches at the next touch, but it’s just Cas’s fingertips rubbing away the precome at the tip of Dean’s cock. 

Cas kisses Dean, gently, and nudges their noses together. “Color?” 

“Fuck — green.” 

Cas slowly peels away the wax on Dean’s chest, and then runs a piece of ice over the burning hot skin. Dean cries out when Cas sucks a nipple into his mouth and bites. 

“You’re close to coming, aren’t you?” Cas says. “I’ve barely touched you.” 

“Y-yeah,” Dean gasps. 

Cas smacks Dean’s cock against his belly with a sharp two-fingered tap. “You’re not allowed.” 

“Cas!” 

“Let me know when you’re in control of yourself, and we’ll continue.” 

Dean fights to relax. The more he shakes, the more aware he is of the blinding pressure of heavy glass against his prostate, the tightness of his skin where wax has cooled, and he just keeps rising, past the ceiling and into the clouds.

“Dean?” 

“I’m good, I’m good.” 

“If you come without permission, you’ll be in a lot of trouble.” 

“I won’t, promise,” Dean says. 

Cas is silent and not touching, and Dean’s tensing again, waiting for the next touch. The burn of wax dripping at the base of his cock makes him thrash and yelp, but Cas puts a reassuring hand on his hip and squeezes before the next stream falls. 

“Oh — oh fuck —”

“I like this,” Cas says. “It looks like you’re covered in my come.” 

The next line of wax is along the top of Dean’s thigh. It drips down on either side, leaving red-hot trails in its wake. Dean’s toes and fingers curl and he moans, needy. 

The bag crinkles, and whatever Cas pulls out tinkles against itself. “Breathe,” Cas says, and then Dean’s right nipple is trapped in a cool pinch, much harder than Cas’s fingers ever have. It doesn’t let up, seems to squeeze tighter and tighter, and the pain pulses straight to Dean’s cock, precome pooling on his belly. 

Dean keens softly when the second clamp goes on and trembles when Cas tugs at the chain connecting them. 

“Jesus,” Cas says under his breath, and Dean hears the whisper of his shirt falling to the floor, the clicking of a zipper being pulled down, and then the sound of Cas’s hand stroking his own cock. “I can do whatever I want to you.” 

Dean licks his lips and whispers, “Yeah.” 

“Look at me,” Cas says, pulling off the blindfold. 

Dean blinks into the harsh light. Cas is gorgeous and glowing above him, eyes like an arctic sea, and Dean smiles automatically at the sight. Cas touches Dean’s chin and gives him a chaste, sweet kiss. 

“Do you want me to come on your face?” Cas says, and Dean nods. “Beg for it.” 

“Please,” Dean says, voice rasping. 

Cas arches an eyebrow, and Dean blushes. “Please, Cas. I want —” Cas pulls at the chain between the clamps and Dean cries out. 

“What was that?” 

Dean licks his lips and tilts his face in offering. “Wanna — taste you, come on.” 

“Hmm,” Cas says. He kneels over Dean, rubbing the wet tip of his cock against Dean’s mouth. Dean licks at him, desperate, but Cas draws away. “Who do you belong to?” 

“You,” Dean gasps. 

Cas strokes himself aimlessly, picking up the burning candle with his free hand. Dean holds his breath, staring with rapt attention as Cas tips it, drip-drip-dripping across Dean’s fluttering stomach. 

“Breathe,” Cas says, and splashes hot wax over the head of Dean’s cock. 

Dean hisses and jerks in the cuffs. He watches Cas with wide eyes, tensing every time Cas starts to tilt the candle. Knowing it’s coming doesn’t make the burn any less shocking. 

Cas gives Dean a little smile and jerks his cock with more purpose, leaving a last, long stream of wax dripping to encircle Dean’s cock before setting aside the candle. He grabs the chain between the clamps and  _ jerks,  _ hard enough that the clips snap off of Dean’s nipples. Dean wails and nearly comes, but squeezes his eyes shut tightly to push it off. 

“Look at me,” Cas says. Dean forces his eyes open and watches Cas touching himself. Dean knows the flush on Cas’s chest, the tightening of his abs, so he’s not surprised when Cas comes with a bitten-off groan, his palm cupped over the head of his cock to catch the mess. 

“I thought —” Dean starts, but Cas shuts him up by smearing his hand over Dean’s mouth and chin, come still warm and tasting sweet on Dean’s lips. 

Cas looks over Dean slowly, surveying the mess he’s made and looking pleased. “May I take a picture of you?” 

“Ok,” Dean says. 

Cas leans down to kiss his forehead. “I adore you. I’ll be right back.” 

Dean tries to calm his galloping heart while he waits, but his cock is still hard and throbbing and he’s covered in the taste and smell and burn of Cas’s affections when Cas returns, snapping several pictures in a row of Dean spread out on the bed. 

“I’m going to unclip you so you can lower your arms, but you need to stay still otherwise.” 

Cas circles the bed unclipping Dean’s restraints. Dean stretches his arms down to his sides, rolls his shoulders, and returns Cas’s smile easily. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Cas says, brushing hair out of Dean’s face. “You aren’t going to come tonight.” 

Dean whimpers but says, “Ok.” 

Cas starts to carefully peel away the lines and dots and pools of wax off of Dean’s body. “How does the plug feel?” 

“Really good.” 

“It’s a little big, so I think we’ll switch it for the green one. If you’re good and wear it tonight, I’ll fuck you in the morning and you can come on my cock. Understood?” 

“Yeah.” 

Cas gently nudges Dean’s knees apart and works the plug out of him slowly, then replaces it with a smaller one. He takes his time unbuckling the cuffs and collar, touch soothing up Dean’s shin and across his collar bone. “I’m going to run the bath. Drink some water.” 

Dean shifts gingerly to sit against the headboard, sipping at a glass of water while the tub fills. His arousal is still present but not important, the intimate weight of the plug just another sense memory of Cas. Dean stares at the collar on the bed next to him, wishing it didn’t have to come off at all, hoping Cas will put it back on after the bath. 

Cas takes Dean’s hand and says, “Can you stand?” 

Dean laughs, hoarsely. “You didn’t break my legs.” 

“No, but that was intense.” 

Dean lets Cas fuss over him until he’s lowered into the warm water. The tub’s not big enough for both of them, but Cas kneels on the rug and washes Dean slowly and tenderly, starting with the come spread on Dean’s face. 

It’s so quiet and soothing and Dean just drifts, his eyes on Cas’s face, watching the flutter of his eyelashes as he looks Dean over. 

“I love you,” Dean says. 

Cas glances up to meet his gaze, smile small but bright. “Thank you for trying that with me. Did you like it?” 

“Yeah. Fuck.” 

Cas sits forward to kiss Dean, his hand wet on Dean’s jaw. “Do you want to soak some more? I’ll order dinner.” 

“Just a couple more minutes. Can I — the collar?” 

“Yes, you should put it on when you’re finished. You can put on boxers but nothing else.” Cas kisses Dean again, smiling. “Take your time.” 

 

Later Dean falls asleep on the couch, head in Cas’s lap and Cas’s fingertips tucked under the collar while a nature documentary plays in the background. 

In the morning Dean’s still slick and open from the plug, so Cas fucks him into the mattress before Dean is even fully awake. Dean bites the pillow to muffle his cry when he comes. 


	69. REMINDED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _His eyes look brighter. Maybe he looks prettier, but for a second all he can see is Cas sneering in laughter as soon as they lay eyes on each other. Dean flips on the faucet and is ready to scrub his face when the front door opens and Cas yells, “Honey, I’m home!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) fixed my tired/drunken mistakes.

Dean has never felt so stupid in his life, and he almost trashes his purchases without even taking them out of the packaging. Cas is going to take one look at him and laugh. Even the imagined rejection is sharp and stabbing.

Dean’s phone lights up before he can hide the bag, preferably in a dumpster, and he looks at the screen, biting nervously at his lip. 

**Cas:** Traffic. ETA 7ish.

Still biting his lip, Dean pulls the new panties out of the bag and lays them on the bed. He snaps a quick picture and sends it to Cas without any text. 

**Cas:** Good boy. Put those on before I get home. 

Dean blushes the whole time he’s putting on the gifts he bought himself. His leg hair feels weird and tickles under lace and he thinks maybe he was supposed to shave, but it’s too late now. His cock is half hard by the time he pulls on the panties, and the hug of the lace is sensually intense as always. 

Dean pulls jeans on over his lingerie with his back to the mirror. Even before he gets his shirt on, he almost unbuttons his jeans to take off everything underneath, but he takes a deep breath and goes to the bathroom with his tube of mascara. He’s watched women do it before and it only takes a couple tries to make it good enough. 

His eyes look brighter. Maybe he looks prettier, but for a second all he can see is Cas sneering in laughter as soon as they lay eyes on each other. Dean flips on the faucet and is ready to scrub his face when the front door opens and Cas yells, “Honey, I’m home!” 

Dean cringes and meets Cas in the living room, where Cas is dropping his bags on the floor and shoving off his shoes at the same time. He stumbles forward to meet Dean, throwing his arms around Dean’s neck and kissing him softly, soundly. “Look at you,” Cas says. “I missed you.” 

Dean blushes and looks down. He can feel Cas squint, and then Cas grips Dean’s chin and turns his face into the light. “Ah, that’s why you’re shy.” 

“Sorry,” Dean says. “I thought —” 

Cas drops his hand and steps back, looking Dean up and down slowly. Dean keeps his eyes on the ground, the floor cold through his stockings. Cas doesn’t say anything, so Dean swallows hard and repeats, “Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize. Let me see.”

“You think I’m stupid.” 

“I’ve never thought anything like that about you. Show me what you’re wearing.” 

Dean looks up at Cas through his eyelashes and pulls off his t-shirt, dropping it next to him. Cas hums encouragingly and he just watches while Dean unbuttons and unzips his jeans, revealing a V of black lace covering his cock. Cas steps close to help Dean push his jeans off his hips, murmuring in the space between them, “You’re so fucking beautiful. I can’t believe you’re mine.” Dean kicks his jeans away and stands tense while Cas takes him in, tugging gently at the garter belt around Dean’s hips. “Turn around for me,” Cas says quietly. 

Dean blushes darker, feeling it on the back of his neck and tips of his ears, as he turns. Even though he didn’t look in the mirror, he knows what his ass looks like in these panties, more exposed than not. 

Cas squeezes Dean’s ass with one hand, the other slipping around his front to cup his cock, taking interest now that he’s seen Cas’s eyes darken. Cas tucks up against Dean from behind and says into his ear, “You made up your eyes all pretty because you want something. Don’t you?” 

Dean’s breath catches. “Yeah.” 

“Tell me. Tell me what you’ve been thinking about while I was gone.” 

“Um —” Dean shudders, and then again when Cas nips his ear in warning. “Want you to fuck my mouth. I — fuck, I missed you.” 

“You need to be reminded who you belong to?” Cas’s hand runs up Dean’s chest to squeeze his throat. “Did you forget?” 

“Jesus, no. But you can remind me anyway.” 

Cas squeezes a little harder, just enough that Dean’s breath gets a little short, then grabs Dean by the hair instead, dragging him, stumbling, down the hall. He’s kind enough to throw a pillow on the floor before he shoves Dean to his knees.

Dean waits, hands clenched on his thighs, while Cas pulls his collar out of the drawer and buckles it, quick and rough, around his neck. “I want your hands behind your back,” Cas says. “Don’t move them unless you need to tap me.” 

Dean crosses his arms, wrapping his hand around his wrist, head tilted up to Cas. “Good boy,” Cas says, barely taking his eyes off Dean as he pulls off his clothes. “Pictures don’t do you justice.”

Dean waits, vibrating with anticipation, while Cas strokes his cock a few times, just looking. Dean’s about to say something when Cas wraps his fingers in Dean’s hair and wrenches his head up so he has to look at Cas’s face instead of his dick. 

“You’re so desperate for it,” Cas says, wetting Dean’s bottom lip with the tip of his cock. “I love what a slut you are for me.” 

Dean takes a shaky breath and parts his lips in offering. “Wider,” Cas says. Dean does, and then Cas is filling his mouth with the thick-hard-soft of him. 

Dean keeps thinking surely he’ll get tired of this eventually — isn’t that what happens in relationships? bed death? — but he still feels like he’s going to fly out of his skin every time Cas touches him, still fantasizes about Cas, still loves the weight of Cas on his tongue. Maybe that’s what it means to be mostly young and desperately in love. 

“Relax,” Cas says, and Dean does, taking him most of the way down after a few shallow thrusts. “Mmm, I missed your mouth.” 

Dean whimpers, nostrils flaring, and then Cas holds him still with a hand on either side of his head to fuck him, picking up speed with each stroke. When Cas holds Dean down on his cock, the crown popping into Dean’s throat, Dean chokes — one, two, three times — and jerks in Cas’s grasp before he manages to get control of it and go quiet in Cas’s hands. Cas murmurs soothingly to him and doesn’t let Dean up until spots have started to dance in front of his eyes. 

“Good boy,” Cas says, and takes Dean rough until tears are rolling down his cheeks. 

Dean gags again when Cas holds him down, and it’s been a long time since he had to, but he lets go of his wrist to tap Cas’s thigh with a shaking hand. Cas backs off immediately, hands gentling to pet through Dean’s hair. “Ok, sweetheart?” 

Dean coughs into the corner of his elbow, takes a deep breath, coughs some more, then rests with his forehead against Cas’s hip, panting. “Just a sec,” Dean says. “Shit, I don’t know what happened.” 

“Do we need to stop?” 

Dean shakes his head without picking it up from Cas’s hip. “Just give me a second.” 

Cas waits, running his fingers through Dean’s hair, until Dean sits back on his heels and smiles upwards. “Ok, I’m good.” 

Cas laughs and leans over to kiss Dean. “Hands behind your back.” 

Dean grabs his wrist at the small of his back and opens his mouth for Cas’s cock. Cas goes easier on him, not quite so deep, his thumb stroking across Dean’s cheekbone, smearing tears. “Jesus, you’re gorgeous,” Cas says, and holds Dean still to pulse hot and sweet down his throat. 

“Good boy,” Cas says, pulling out of Dean’s mouth slowly. “Thank you.” 

Dean blushes and smiles. “Thank  _ you,  _ baby.” 

“Now tell me, and don’t lie,” Cas says, grabbing Dean’s chin, his fingers slipping through spit and a dribble of come leaking from Dean’s mouth. “Did you touch yourself while I was gone?” 

“You told me not to.” 

“I’m aware. Were you well behaved?” 

“Yeah.” 

Cas raises his eyebrows. 

“Seriously,” Dean says. “I was good.” 

“So you must really want to come tonight.” 

Dean licks his lips. “Yeah, but I — I can wait if you want.” 

Cas tilts his head to the side, a small smile spreading across his mouth. “The only thing I want in the world is to make you feel good. On the bed, please.” 

Dean stumbles to his feet, knees numb, with Cas’s hands on his biceps to support him. Cas lowers him into the bed and leans down to kiss him, a kiss that feels like  _ I missed you.  _ Dean whimpers when it ends, but Cas ignores him to kiss down his neck and nuzzle against the fading bite bruises on his chest. 

Dean lifts his hips obediently for Cas to slide off his panties, and Cas kneels between Dean’s thighs, running his hands slowly up Dean’s stockinged legs. Cas says, “Do you feel good wearing them?” 

“Yeah,” Dean says, blushing. 

“You look —” Cas squeezes Dean’s hip, touch warm through the garter. “I’m speechless.” 

Dean can’t look at him, but then he ends up looking at his own cock, achingly hard and framed by lace. “Good or bad?” 

Cas laughs, kissing Dean’s stomach just over the garter. “You’re perfect. What do you want?” 

“You could suck my cock while you’re down there.” 

“It’s only polite,” Cas says, smiling before he takes the head of Dean’s cock into his mouth. 

“Holy fuck,” Dean whispers, and then he’s incapable of words, just gasping and whining, knees tense around Cas’s ribs. Cas is going to be smug about how quickly Dean is riding the wave, ready to crash and crumble, but Dean doesn’t care, just pants, “Can I come?” 

Cas squeezes Dean’s hand, and Dean’s whole body goes trembling-tense for a brief moment and then he’s watching Cas swallow his come, eyes tilted upwards to see him. 

After, Cas wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and leans over the bed to grab Dean’s panties. “Are the tights comfortable? Are they called tights?” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “Yeah, they’re good.” 

“I want you to put your panties back on and wear them tonight.”

Dean pulls the panties on while Cas disappears over the side of the bed again, popping back up with his phone trained on Dean. “I should’ve taken a picture earlier. You look amazing.” 

Dean smiles shyly while Cas takes his pictures. Dean doesn’t know what the hell Cas could possibly do with all of them, but it makes Cas happy and Dean doesn’t mind, so he just hopes he doesn’t look too stupid in the final shots.

Cas sits next to Dean on the bed, pulling Dean to tuck up against his hip, and shows him a couple of the pictures. Dean looks destroyed and happy about it, his hair a chunky mess, mouth still red, black tears smeared down his face. 

Dean kisses Cas, smiling, and says, “The interview —” 

“Please don’t,” Cas says. “I can’t think about it anymore.” 

“You were great, that’s all. Even though you were scared.” 

Cas frowns but says, “Thank you.” 

“More importantly, I’ve been holding off on MasterChef until you got back, so…” 

Cas laughs, pinching Dean’s hip. “You’re a brat, and I can take a hint that the post-coital cuddling is complete.” 

“It’s not done, it’s just transferring to the couch and Gordon Ramsey is joining us.” 

Cas sighs and gets up to rifle through a drawer for clothes. 

“Hey,” Dean says, and Cas looks up in the process of pulling on a pair of sweatpants that seems to belong to both or neither of them. “I’m pretty in love with you.” 

Cas smiles, the big one he reserves for Dean. “Well, I’ve got some great news.” 


	70. INTERLUDE #20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dean puts his hand on Cas’s jaw, kisses him gentle and sweet, kisses him tender, makes a little sad noise, pulls back faster than Cas wants and won’t look at him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [elanor-n-evermind](http://elanor-n-evermind.tumblr.com), [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com), and [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) keep me in line.

“I need to talk to you.”

Dean falters, dropping his keys to the floor instead of hanging them on the hook just inside the door. “Um, hi. Ok. Right now?” 

“Before I change my mind.” 

Dean sits next to Cas on the couch, fingers clenched on his own thighs. He looks at Cas and then away again, takes a careful breath. “Ok, talk.” 

Cas frowns and says, “Dean.” 

Dean looks at him, mouth drawn tight. “Just say it. Please — don’t make me.” 

“You’re not going to kiss me?” 

Dean puts his hand on Cas’s jaw, kisses him gentle and sweet, kisses him tender, makes a little sad noise, pulls back faster than Cas wants and won’t look at him. 

“Are you ok?” Cas says. 

Dean laughs hollowly and rubs a hand over his face. “Sure, Cas. I’m great.”

“Maybe now isn’t a good time.”

“Christ,” Dean says, standing. “Got it. I’ll stay at Charlie’s.”

Cas scrambles after him when Dean turns towards the hall, grabbing his wrist. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I always fuck this up. I want to talk about me. Sit, please?” Cas says, trying not to sound small. 

Dean gives him a wary look and sits back down. “You can’t say ‘we need to talk’ and not mean we’re breaking up.” 

“I’m sorry. That’s the last thing I want.”

Dean drops his head in his hands and takes a deep breath. “All right, I’m listening.” 

“I’m not very good at talking about —” Cas waves his hand in the hopes of encompassing everything that happens to him, both inside and outside his head “— being insane.”

“I noticed.”

“You don’t understand. I’ve been lying about this my whole life. If people knew — they would’ve institutionalized me.” 

“They can’t now unless you’re a danger to yourself or others, right? Are you?” 

“Have you ever known me to be a danger to others?” 

“Maybe when you thought I was having sex with Benny,” Dean says, and Cas scowls at him. “No, baby. You’re a vegetarian. I’m not afraid of you.” 

“We’ll talk about how that was the wrong response later,” Cas says, and Dean smiles, like he’s always happy at the idea of spending more time with Cas, even if it’s just for Cas to scold him. “I’ve never really felt violent towards someone. But you know that’s not what people think when they hear — something like this.” 

“Cas, I’m not —” 

“No. I need you to understand. My whole life, Dean. I hardly remember what it was like before things were happening to me that weren’t happening to other people,” Cas says. “And there’s no magic pill to fix this. I know it’s better now, but I could — maybe that’s just what I’m like, forever.” 

“Ok,” Dean says, and Cas can’t tell what’s in his eyes. 

“You don’t have to stay. I know this isn’t what you want with your life.” 

“Can I just — can I settle this, once and for all? Because I know you worry about this, and I can’t figure out how to make you believe that I don’t give a single fuck if you’re seeing things or anything else, forever. Because knowing you is the best thing about my life, you know? That’s not going to change.” 

Cas can’t breathe, focuses his eyes somewhere around the hollow of Dean’s throat. 

“I don’t want you to be scared and I don’t want you to be alone. I hope you don’t hurt like this forever. But even if you do — that’s not going to get rid of me. And I need you to know that you can talk to me about this. You can talk to me about anything.” 

“I was supposed to be the one talking, and you just gave a romantic monologue.” 

“You made me think we were breaking up so I think I get to have my monologue.” 

“I started seeing them in high school. I never told anyone about the hallucinations, and I don’t think anyone guessed, but they knew I wasn’t the same person anymore. I knew I hadn’t been for a long time.”

“And then meds.” 

“I stopped seeing them, but I stopped being a person completely, too. I didn’t have any more stories to tell.” 

“Come here,” Dean says, and Cas goes into his arms willingly, Dean’s face nestling into Cas’s hair. “Keep talking.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to live inside a mind that is doing it’s damndest to kill you. I’ve never felt violence towards others, but sometimes thoughts about violence towards self are — irresistable.” 

Dean tightens his arms but says nothing. 

“It’s like the Death Drive on speed. And when the things are here, they talk to me about it. All day, just circling around me, talking about all the ways I could —” 

Dean inhales sharply. 

“I’m not going to. That’s not what I’m trying to say.” 

“What are you trying to say?” 

“I don’t know any other way to be.” 

“Good thing I’m pretty into who you are, huh?” 

“This isn’t a joke, Dean.” 

“I know. I’m not joking. Everyone’s messed up in some way, right? I mean — you know what my dad did to me. I think you’re into me anyway.”

Dean’s voice sounds unnaturally even, and Cas stops himself from sitting back to look at his expression. Dean so rarely even alludes to this, the scars in and on him. “I’m sorry,” Cas says. “I wish he hadn’t.” 

Dean kisses Cas’s temple. “I wish you never had to live in a horror movie, but — if wishes were horses, and all that.” 

“I didn’t think I’d live to see college, and then when I did, I did my best to kill myself. Drugs helped. I suppose it’s easier to sleep when there’s a possibility you might not wake up.” 

“You went off meds when you left home?” 

“Shortly thereafter,” Cas says. “The people I called my friends weren’t fond of medication except for recreational purposes.” 

“Sure, makes sense.” 

“I was — I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. I could write memoirs about it.” 

“Anything prison-worthy, other than drugs?” 

Cas snorts. “Probably.” He kisses Dean’s jaw, trying to remember all the words he practiced earlier in the day. “I never really cared about anyone before you. I couldn’t care about anything when I was medicated, and then I was too scared and too insane. I don’t think anyone cared about me before you, either. I’m sorry I’m bad at this. I haven’t had any practice.”

“It’s ok, I kinda suck at this relationship thing too. But we’re figuring it out, right?” 

“Other than you think I want to break up, so I must not be doing a very good job loving you.” Cas didn’t realize how much it would hurt to say until it was out of his mouth, and he presses his face into Dean’s neck, holding his breath so Dean can’t hear it shake. 

“Cas,” Dean says quietly, squeezing him close. “That’s not it at all. I just — kind of panicked. You’re stupid good to me. Am I doing an ok job loving you?” 

“Yes, you’re perfect. I can’t really regret anything that ended up with me here.” 

Dean sits back to look at Cas, glaring at him. “You scared the shit out of me, you asshole.” 

“I’ll make it up to you,” Cas says, smiling. “Anything you want.” 

“Wow. All right. We should get a place together. With a yard,” Dean says. “You know, all official with both of our names on a contract and everything.” 

Cas rolls his eyes. “We’re not official enough now?” 

“There’s no lease and no pet, so it’s still pretty casual.”

Cas laughs and Dean looks pleased about it. “You have to mow the lawn.” 

“Ok, baby, I’ll mow,” Dean says. “You really want to? You like this apartment.” 

“I do, but it’s not  _ ours.”  _

Dean smiles, bright and painfully beautiful like always. “Don’t ever say ‘we need to talk’ again.” 

“Noted.” 

“Wanna fuck? You seemed to have some ideas about that earlier.” 

“You said you’d fuck me so good I’d see stars, if I recall.” 

Dean does, unrestrained in a way that makes Cas bury his face in the pillow to muffle himself, and afterwards they argue about which part of town they should look for a house in and whether or not Dean can get a dog to go with the yard. 


	71. INTERLUDE #21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cas just does his best to make himself a good memory for Dean, so in ten years he’ll smile when he talks about the first guy he fucked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sweet sentient entity [robotsnchicks](http://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com) peeked at this for me. 
> 
> **_this is a flashback_ **

Cas knows what this is. It’s gone on longer than Cas ever expected, and apparently Dean is now ready to spread his wings and fly with men who are better than Cas is.

Good, Cas tries to tell himself. Dean deserves it.

_ Sweetheart. _

Cas doesn’t ask about Benny and Dean doesn’t offer. Cas just does his best to make himself a good memory for Dean, so in ten years he’ll smile when he talks about the first guy he fucked. 

Cas wonders if Benny hits Dean, or if that’s just for Cas. He wonders if Dean begs for Benny’s cock. He wonders if they go on dates, who likes to be the little spoon, if they argue about books. He wonders if Benny knows more about Dean than he does, and he wonders if Benny’s ever distant because there are nightmares following him. 

That’s probably why Benny knows Dean’s friends and Cas does not.

The plan was to smoke his sorrows away with a Pratchett book in his hands, but then: 

**Inias Osmond:** I’m in Austin for a few days. Are you available? 

 

Inias is a nice guy with a stressful job and he likes to be taken out of his head sometimes. He has a low pain tolerance, doesn’t like to be hurt like Dean does, just spanks that aren’t quite hard enough to make his ass jiggle, but he’s fun. 

Cas decides he won’t think about Dean at all. A palette cleanser lover will be nice. 

Inias arrives and they smoke a bowl, except Inias doesn’t get cuddly, doesn’t nuzzle up against Cas’s neck and whisper things in his ear. Inias likes to be fucked, but he doesn’t go dazed with it like Dean does, moaning nonsense. 

Cas didn’t forget Dean has a key, but he can’t forget that Dean is probably in someone else’s bed, so the turn of the lock almost doesn’t register. Cas is trying to stay in this moment with Inias, not get lost in thoughts about Dean.

But then Dean’s there, hauntingly beautiful and looking devastated, sweet and sour sauce starting to spill out of the dropped takeout bag at his feet. 

Cas doesn’t follow Dean out of the apartment. Maybe he’s supposed to. Maybe he’s supposed to say,  _ All I want is you, but you don’t want to be here.  _ Maybe he’s supposed to apologize.

_ That’s how I greet my friends too.  _

Cas knows Dean is being facetious, but it still makes him tense with the idea of Dean-and-Benny, or Dean-with-anyone. 

 

Dean ignores Cas’s texts for days, and Cas loses his goddamn mind, suddenly reminded of how lonely things were before Dean, how cold and silent his whole space feels without Dean’s smiles to fill it. Things start to shake apart, like they always do. 

_ All you do is use people.  _

Cas never thought of himself like that, but it’ll follow him around forever now. 

He doesn’t mean to say that Dean is his best friend, and he doesn’t mean to agree to having something like a boyfriend, but it’s only a couple days later when Dean starts to text him  _ good morning, how are you?  _ on his way to work, and things start to stitch back together.


	72. WORTH IT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I want to be clear,” Cas says. “You’re being rewarded tonight, not punished.”_
> 
> _“Thank you,” Dean whispers._
> 
> _“That doesn’t mean it’s not going to hurt.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [robotsnchicks](http://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com) and [7faerielights](http://7faerielights.tumblr.com) looked at this for me. :)

“Keep your eyes closed,” Cas says. 

“Ok,” Dean says. He already sounds breathless, and nothing has happened other than Cas stripping him down and shoving him on to the bed, face shoved in the pillows and ass on display. 

“Hold yourself open.” 

Dean hesitates — still so shy sometimes, like Cas would ever look at him with anything but adoration — but reaches his arms backwards to hold open his cheeks. Goosebumps skitter over his skin as he exposes his hole to the cool air. 

Cas presses his thumb against it, just the barest pressure, and Dean makes a little pleading noise. “I want to be clear,” Cas says. “You’re being rewarded tonight, not punished.” 

“Thank you,” Dean whispers. 

“That doesn’t mean it’s not going to hurt.” 

Dean doesn’t make a sound, but his toes curl in anticipation. Cas gives Dean’s hole a sharp tap before he goes into the closet to collect supplies. 

Cas is pleased that Dean hasn’t moved and his eyes are still closed when he returns, dropping toys on the bed. Cas bends down to kiss the corner of Dean’s mouth and ruffle his hair, then runs his hand down Dean’s back as he circles around him. 

Cas just looks: Dean’s broad, dotted shoulders; the swell of his biceps, the swoop of his spine; his fingers, some crooked from breaks, holding himself open to show the darker pink pucker of his hole. 

“You’re exquisite,” Cas says, and Dean huffs like he wants to argue, but doesn’t speak. “Hold still.” 

Cas picks up the crop, considers for a moment, and then slaps the thin leather end against Dean’s hole. 

Dean squeaks and jerks, then settles. Cas smiles and spits onto Dean’s hole so he can pump the tip of his thumb in and out a few times, smile widening as Dean’s breath starts to speed up. 

Cas pulls his hand away to smack Dean’s hole with the crop three times in a row, progressively harder. Dean cries out, but it’s the kind of sound he makes when Cas surprises him with a new delight, and even though Cas can’t see it, he knows Dean’s cock is starting to drip. 

Cas barely taps the next time, but Dean still flinches, and then he gasps  _ Cas!  _ when Cas smacks him hard. “Do you like it?” 

It takes Dean a moment to reply. “Yeah.” 

Cas reaches around him to stroke Dean’s cock. He’s already so wet, and his cock twitches in Cas’s hand when he smacks his hole again. Dean’s hole is red and swollen after only a few more smacks, and Cas spits before rubbing his thumb in soothing circles over it while Dean whines. 

Cas drops the crop and picks up their vibrating plug and a bottle of lube. He turns on the vibration to the lowest setting before he starts to work it into Dean, slow enough that Dean’s thighs are trembling by the time it’s seated inside him.

“On your back, please.” 

Dean turns over, and he’s flushed pretty and pink all the way down his chest. He doesn’t open his eyes, and Cas loves him for his careful obedience. 

Cas squeezes Dean’s cock and then pushes his wet fingers into Dean’s mouth to taste his own precome. Dean moans as he sucks, so desperate for more, and Cas pulls them out and slaps Dean across the face. Dean’s eyes stay closed but his cock jerks against his stomach. Cas bends to kiss him, slow and deep, and Dean gasps into it. 

“I love you,” Cas says. 

Dean smiles shakily, blindly. “You too.” 

Cas takes Dean’s hand and guides it to Cas’s cock. Dean bites his lip and starts to stroke him. “Don’t bite your lip,” Cas says, and Dean stops without questioning. 

Cas picks up the crop and, without preamble, smacks the head of Dean’s cock. 

Dean’s eyes fly open and both hands reach as if to protect himself — but he stops halfway and goes back to stroking Cas’s cock with one hand, the other clenched in the comforter. “Sorry,” Dean says, sounding hoarse, and he squeezes his eyes shut. 

Cas hits down the underside of Dean’s cock, ending with a sharp tap to each ball in turn. The movement of Dean’s hand stops, but Cas keeps hitting him until his cock is angry and red and he’s descended into nothing but trembling, gasping moans. 

“Open your legs,” Cas says, and gives Dean a break from the crop, increasing the vibrations on the plug and tugging it gently against his rim. Dean’s hole tightens around the base, his whole body tense with pleasure. 

Cas clicks the vibrator up to the highest setting and watches Dean writhe in the blankets. He had no expectation of making Dean come from just this, but he can see Dean’s fighting it off, too far gone to ask for permission. 

“Good boy,” Cas says, smacking the head of Dean’s cock with the crop. “You’re not allowed to come yet.” 

“Oh — Cas — fuck —” Dean whimpers, precome spurting out of the tip of his cock when Cas taps his balls again. 

Cas rubs the leather end of the crop on Dean’s cock, spreading liquid around the crown. 

Cas lands a line of sharp hits from the base of Dean’s cock back to the head, says, “You can come,” and bends to engulf Dean’s cock in the heat of his mouth. 

Dean thrusts upwards and comes with a wail. Cas drinks him down and licks Dean clean until Dean starts to soften, and then Cas gives a gentle kiss to the head of his cock before moving up to kiss his mouth.

Dean’s shaking and his eyes are glazed over when he blinks upwards at Cas, but his lips tilt upward in a happy smile. Cas kisses the tip of Dean’s nose and then reaches to silence the toy, easing it slowly out of Dean and tossing it to the side.

Dean turns to Cas immediately, tugging Cas’s arms around him and nestling under Cas’s chin. “Just this for a minute,” Dean murmurs. “Then I’ll take care of you.” 

“I’m taken care of,” Cas says, “and be careful what you wish for, because I’m going to forcefully hold you all night.” 

Dean snorts and squeezes Cas’s hip. “That’s nothing new.” 

Cas rubs up and down Dean’s back, slow and soothing, while their hearts slow. 

“Don’t get mad, I saw that crop in the closet,” Dean says. “But I didn’t know you were going to do that with it.” 

“You’re not supposed to look in my box,” Cas says, attempting for stern even though he’s so warm and pliant in Dean’s love. 

“Ok, sure,” Dean says, “but I was wondering if you still had that dildo.” 

“No, I don’t. You didn’t like it.” 

“Well,” Dean says. “I might want to try it again maybe.” 

“That was vague,” Cas says, smiling and kissing Dean’s forehead. “We can go shopping.” 

“Is my dick going to hurt later?” 

Cas snorts. “Possibly.” 

“Right now I’m going to say, worth it, but I’ll let you know how I feel later.” 

“I’ll kiss it better as much as you want.” 

“Ok, definitely worth it.” 


	73. SAD SINCE TUESDAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dean Winchester, an auto mechanical from bumfuck, Kansas, who can barely read._
> 
> _Dean Winchester, who managed to trick CJ Milton into smiling at him, touching him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) lent me an eye. 
> 
> as a warning, i cried a lot while writing parts of this. but it ends positively, don't worry!

Dean’s still shaking in Cas’s arms when Cas’s phone rings. Cas ignores it far more than he answers, especially when they’re in bed, but this time he says, “Oh, shit,” and picks up.

Cas is already rolling out of bed and reaching for his jeans. “Yes, I’m on my way. Give me, uh, twenty minutes.” He kisses Dean’s forehead after hanging up and then is a whirlwind of t-shirts pulled out of drawers, spray deodorant, another forehead kiss. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I have to go. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Dean lays in bed in the quiet for awhile, takes a shower with his hands still shaking. He’s hot and aching just about everywhere Cas can hit him, even his cock throbbing a bit from Cas’s smacks. Half an hour ago he felt so intensely blessed by Cas’s love, the things Cas does to him, but now he can’t look at himself in the mirror.

He stares at the bed instead while he gets dressed, a place where he’s so warm and happy and unafraid, a place that seems like a joke all the sudden. Cas said he’s pretty when he cries, and then Cas left, and Dean can’t feel his hands at all anymore.

The liquor store is close. Dean starts on the bottle in the shopping center parking lot, and then keeps at it in the parking lot of their apartment. There’s nowhere in their place that will let him not think about Cas, so he waits in his car until things start to swim enough that he won’t have to think at all.

He kicks off his boots and sits on the floor in their room with the remains of the whiskey. His phone is on the nightstand and he pokes at it, then squints to read the words.

 **Cas:** I knew I would hate this, but I would just like to confirm that I do, in fact, hate this.

 **Cas:** Jesus, get me out of here.

 **Cas:** I’ve been entertaining myself thinking about how I’m going to fuck you later. Gentle missionary with lots of kissing.

 **Cas:** Damn, I guess you fell asleep. Ily. We can do that another time.

Dean’s eyes go hot and prickly. Cas stole his phone and put a picture of them as Cas’s contact photo a few weeks ago, one that makes Dean’s heart skip every time Cas calls. He stares at it in the top of the text thread.

 **Cas:** Just in case you wake up looking for me, I got roped into drinks.

Recently some blog posted pictures of them at the lake with their friends, and Cas was pissy for days. At the time it didn’t seem like anything more than Cas’s usual irritation to be the topic of public scrutiny, but now Dean wonders — in the photo, Dean and Cas are standing shoulder to shoulder on the dock, looking down at the turtles in the lake. Both of their faces are clearly visible, and this is the first time Dean has known about that someone actually named him.

_Author CJ Milton and his partner, Dean Winchester._

And Cas sat on the back patio smoking cigarettes for an hour after Charlie texted it to them.

It’s too late to take it back — people know Dean’s name, his face. It’ll never go away, no matter how completely Cas could erase Dean from the rest of his life. CJ Milton and Dean Winchester, a little stoned and laughing about Cas’s childhood fear of turtles, pinkies hooked together.

Dean Winchester, an auto mechanical from bumfuck, Kansas, who can barely read.

Dean Winchester, who managed to trick CJ Milton into smiling at him, touching him.

Cas, _tricked_ into having drinks after an evening with other literary types. Other writers. Dean saw their headshots on the website for the event — Cas had begrudgingly approved having a headshot taken at all — and Cas wouldn’t be the only attractive one there.

Dean drinks. Dean cries, like a fucking sissy, because once he called Cas the love of his life and wondered what color they’d paint their bedroom.

 **Cas:** On my way. I can’t wait to be home.

Dean has the thought of hiding the empty fifth in a neighbor’s trash bin, but he only makes it to his knees before gravity changes direction and pushes him back onto his ass. He opens the bottom door of the nightstand — barely in reach — and drops the empty bottle in, thinking he might be able to move it before Cas sees. He’ll apologize to Cas with dignity. He’ll say, _I get it, I’m embarrassed of me too._

Dean left the door unlocked when he came in from the liquor store, but Cas doesn’t know that, so his key turns in the lock before he comes in. He’s so courteous and quiet, like there’s any way Dean would say no to extra waking moments with him.

The curtains are open, the ambient light bright enough that Cas sees Dean as soon as he comes in the bedroom.

“Dean?” Cas says, sounding more confused than anything. “Are you ok?”

Dean forces himself to sit up straight instead of slouching against the side of the bed. “I get it,” he says, slurring and hollow. “I’m embarrassed of me too.”

“What?” Cas says, both concerned and confused now, kneeling next to Dean. “Christ, you smell like you bathed in whiskey.”

Dean snorts. “See? Jus’ embarrassing.”

Cas cradles Dean’s cheek in his palm and Dean leans into it. Dean says, or thinks he says, his throat is hoarse with tears, “You’re the love — my life.”

“Certainly you know by now I feel the same way.” Cas sits next to Dean, wrapping him up tight in his arms. “Talk to me. What’s this embarrassment thing?”

“The picture,” Dean says. “You were so pissed.”

“What picture?” Cas says.

Dean tries to breathe without sniffling. “At the lake.”

“To be honest,” Cas starts, and Dean shudders, a blank hole growing in his future where Cas used to live. “Dean, are you — this hasn’t happened in a long time, and I’m starting to worry about alcohol poisoning.”

“Say what you’re gonna say,” Dean says.

“I was just going to say that it’s one of my favorite pictures of us, despite the way it came to be. I was livid, yes, that someone thinks it’s ok to out you like that. I thought you would ask me to deny it, and I would have.”

Dean liked the picture too, because looking at it made him remember everything he felt that day: the heat of the sun, the heavy-limbs feeling of good weed, the comfort of Cas’s joyful smiles. He printed it out at work and tucked it into the pages of his copy of _Familiar,_ the one that lives under the driver’s seat in the Impala.

Cas kisses his forehead, strokes his hair. “Did this start after I left? Do you think you’re dropping? You were pretty deep.”

Dean is shaking again, or never stopped, because earlier he was floating down with the lanternfish for ages, and Cas had been bringing him back around slowly, with gentle hands, murmuring poetry or nonsense into Dean’s hair, and then Cas realized how weak and needy Dean is even when he’s not on his knees, and Cas left so Dean could get control of himself.

“I need you to say something,” Cas says. “I’m really worried and I’m not sure what to do.”

“Sorry,” Dean says, watery. “I’m sorry. I’m fine.”

“I’m turning on the lamp so we can get in the bed.”

Even with his eyes closed, the light explodes into Dean’s skull and careens around for a minute. He doesn’t open them even as he lets Cas drag him to his feet and then push him into the bed. Cas sheds his own clothes and manages to get Dean out of his jeans without any help from Dean at all, and Dean doesn’t move when Cas drapes halfway over his chest, arms and legs wrapped around him, either.

Cas says quietly, “You need to drink some water, but I’m going to hug you for a minute first.”

Dean keeps his eyes squeezed shut — it’s easy, his eyelashes sticking together with drying tears — but turns his face towards Cas until his nose touches Cas’s cheek. Cas strokes his hair and says, “Do you think I’m embarrassed of you?”

Dean can’t speak, just nods the tiniest bit, bumping Cas with his forehead.

Cas takes a sharp breath and his fingers tighten in Dean’s hair. “Jesus, Dean.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean whispers.

“I love you,” Cas says. “I’m always proud to know you. And I’m proud of whatever I did that made you pick me.”

Dean manages to move his arm, get his hand on the warmth of Cas’s hip, slide over his flank and up his back. Touching him is so familiar, every inch of him recognized by Dean’s fingertips. Dean’s never known anyone like he knows Cas.

“I’m sorry,” Dean says, aware he’s repeating himself, but too dizzy and slow to manage anything else.

“Shh,” Cas says, kissing Dean’s tear-stained cheek. “Let me love you.”

Dean clings to Cas and pretends he can’t feel a hot tear dripping over the bridge of his nose.

“That means, right now, water and some food to soak up that liquor.” Cas kisses Dean’s cheek again, and then his mouth. “Let me go so I can get you some water. I’ll be right back. I promise.”

Dean nods jerkily and doesn’t open his eyes — won’t see what’s on Cas’s face — when Cas rolls out of the bed. Somehow, Dean manages to hear Cas’s quiet footsteps reentering the room over the roaring in his own ears.

“Sit up, sweetheart,” Cas says, and sits next to Dean, holding a glass to his lips.

Dean squints his eyes open but keeps his gaze on the glass as he drinks. He downs about half of it before handing the glass back to Cas. “What do you think you can eat?”

Dean lays his head on Cas’s shoulder without meaning to do it, nuzzling into the soft scent of him. “Hello,” Cas says, kissing the top of Dean’s head. “Food, darling. Pancakes?”

“Bacon too.”

“And eggs and orange juice. I don’t care if you don’t like it.”

Dean mumbles something in agreement, focuses on breathing, focuses on the heat of Cas’s bare skin next to him, while Cas puts in a food order on his phone. Dean sits up when Cas tells him, and drinks more water, and lets Cas maneuver him out of his clothes. Cas keeps spinning around him, a whirling dervish, and his stomach lurches. Dean closes his eyes and grits his teeth until it passes.

Back in bed, Cas pulls the cord on the lamp and sits next to Dean, urging Dean to lay his head on Cas’s thigh. Cas pets his hand through Dean’s hair and says, “I’m going to read you a story. You know it.”

“K,” Dean says, taking a real breath for the first time in hours.

 _“The world had been sad since Tuesday,”_ Cas says, soft and soothing. _“Sea and sky were a single ash-gray thing and the sands of the beach, which on March nights glimmered like powdered light…”_

Dean’s favorite part is the thing about _cataclysm in repose,_ and he manages to stay conscious at least that long, and then he dozes until Cas wakes him up for pancakes — banana, not chocolate chip, something about electrolytes — and then sleeps with Cas wrapped around him until just before dawn, when he stumbles to the bathroom to puke until there’s nothing left.

Cas creeps in after the first few retches, to wipe Dean’s face with a cool rag and offer him water, to sit next to him with a hand on his ankle without saying anything. Dean can’t think of anything to say, either, so he just leans against the tub with his eyes closed, hoping to die in between dry heaves over the toilet.

When he manages a handful of minutes without having to lift his head, Dean pulls himself slowly to his feet. Cas gets up, too, and hands Dean a capful of mouthwash, and follows him back to bed with a steadying hand on his lower back.

Cas doesn’t say anything in bed, either, just pulls Dean close, back to chest, and holds him until Dean has to make another rush to the bathroom.

 

Dean wakes up alone, disoriented by the darkness in the room — did he really sleep all day and into the night? — and then realizes Cas pinned a blanket over the window to block out the light. There’s a glass of water next to the bed, a bottle of Aleve. Dean sits up gingerly, glad that his stomach stays where it belongs, but not glad that his head feels like it’s been pulverized. He swallows some pills and then shuffles to the bathroom, eyes half closed.

He doesn’t turn on the light so he doesn’t see the paper taped to the mirror until he’s washing his hands. He was right to think unforgiving bathroom lights would be excruciating, but that fades when he parses out what he’s seeing.

It’s a printed-out screenshot from Cas’s computer, Twitter open with a new tweet started.

_My favorite person with one of my favorite books. “Stories, great flapping ribbons of shaped space-time, have been blowing and uncoiling around the universe since the beginning of time.”_

The picture is Dean, stirring something at the stove with one hand while the other holds up a battered copy of _Witches Abroad._ When Dean was a kid, sometimes he could only steal a few minutes for books while waiting for pasta to cook, and even now it doesn’t feel right to not take words when he can get them.

That whole day was so good, not doing anything special, just making each other laugh, and Dean is smiling in the photo, towards where Cas is invisible behind the camera.

Written in Cas’s messy scribble at the bottom of the paper: _Can I post this?_

Dean finds Cas tip-tapping away on the couch, soft music playing — Stravinsky, Dean thinks, if only because Cas has been on a Stravinsky kick for weeks — and he turns his head to give Dean a small quirk of a smile.

Dean sits next to Cas and buries himself in Cas’s neck, letting Cas hug him close. “Good afternoon,” Cas says. “I love you.”

“I thought Hannah ran your Twitter.”

“I wrested control back, at least temporarily.”

“To make a stupid post about me?”

“It’s not stupid. Hannah has been telling me forever I need to engage more with the public on a personal level, and what better way than to show off my handsome boyfriend?”

Dean snorts. “You won’t even put a picture of yourself in your books.”

“I would if I were as handsome as you.”

“Jesus, you’re so full of shit.”

“I know,” Cas says, leaving a kiss in Dean’s hair. “I don’t need to post it if you don’t want me to, but I need you to know that there is absolutely nothing embarrassing about being with you.”

“Maybe you should mention what a fucking casual you are in your tweet because I’ve read _Witches Abroad_ more times than you have.”

“Start your own account if you want to flame me.”

Dean kisses and nuzzles at the hinge of Cas’s jaw. “I love you too. Twitter whatever you want.”

Dean closes his eyes against Cas’s neck while Cas navigates his computer with one hand, the other busy rubbing Dean’s back.

“Look how beautiful you are,” Cas says, and when Dean peeks, the picture is full screen.

“I look like an idiot,” Dean says.

“You’re such a brat,” Cas say fondly. He shuts his computer and sets it to the side, wrapping Dean in both his arms. “Coffee? Lunch?”

“Coffee. I’ll think about lunch after.”

 

Cas fusses over Dean through coffee, and then through brunch, and then gives Dean more Aleve and guides him to lay out on the couch, head in Cas’s lap. _Top Chef_ is on and someone’s making a foam.

“We should talk about what happened last night,” Cas says, quietly.

Dean shuts his eyes and turns to hide his face in Cas’s thigh. “I’m sorry, I just…”

“You think I’m embarrassed of you.”

“I mean — I dunno. People don’t read your books and think you’re messing around with an illiterate greasemonkey.”

Cas is silent for a moment, and Dean braces himself. “I’m trying very hard not to be angry about what you just said, and there are several things to respond to.” Cas takes a deep breath and strokes his fingers through Dean’s hair, like it helps calm him, too. “I don’t care what people who read my books think, and my love life isn’t any of their business. Secondly — and this is where I’m getting angry — I’m not _messing around._ This isn’t a joke to me.”

“Cas —”

“No, listen to me. We’re going to buy a house together. I don’t think you’re messing around, but if you are, now would be a good time to mention it. I can’t remember what my life was like before you, except bleak.”

Dean squeezes his eyes shut tighter, bites the inside of his cheek.

“I started falling in love with you when you argued with me about Matheson —”

“Look, the afterlife thing —”

 _“Dean,”_ Cas says, but there’s a small smile on his lips. “Even when you’re wrong about books, you’re passionate about your ideas. You’re passionate about hearing other people’s ideas. You love stories as much as I do.”

Dean rolls his eyes, and Cas puts his hand over Dean’s mouth to stop him from speaking.

“And, Dean Winchester, you are also blessed with practical intelligence. Your brain understands machines in a way mine never could. You should be proud to be a greasemonkey.”

Dean looks away and is glad Cas doesn’t lift his hand, because Dean doesn’t know what he would say in response.

“I love you,” Cas says, softer. “Sometimes you drive me crazy, but I don’t want anyone else. Things are brighter when you’re around.”

Cas lifts his hand, and the first thing that tumbles out of Dean’s mouth is, “I love you so fucking much.”

Cas’s smile widens. “That’s very convenient.”

“It’s not fair that you have fancy ways to say it,” Dean says. “But I — yeah, me too. You’re my person.”

Cas glares down at Dean and Dean laughs, even though it hurts his head.

“I gotta ask, though — since when are we _buying_ a house?”


	74. INTERLUDE #22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _**Inias Osmond:** I’ll be in town next week. Drinks? _

Cas’s phone buzzes, and then he frowns down at it in a way that makes Dean kiss his cheek and say, “What’s up?” 

Cas tilts the screen so Dean can read. 

**Inias Osmond:** I’ll be in town next week. Drinks? 

The last text in the thread is from a few weeks before, just a random “let’s catch up” conversation. The last thing Cas said was  _ Dean and I are buying a house.  _

“You don’t want to see him?”

Cas looks over, his frown softening a little. “I don’t have to.” 

“Yeah, but do you want to?” 

“I didn’t think  _ you’d  _ want me to.” 

“Dude,” Dean says. “You can hang out with whoever you want.” 

“I’m not interested in him, and he’s not interested in me.” 

“Ok. You want me to come with?” 

Cas stares for a long moment. “Why aren’t you reacting to this?” 

“Reacting to what? I’m not really worried about you cheating on me. That would be unethical.” 

Cas laughs and taps out a reply on his phone. “Inias might be a little weird if you’re there, but you’re welcome to join us.” 

“Nah. I’ll hit up Charlie or something.”

Cas smiles and kisses Dean, long and sweet. “I love you.” 

“See? You’re such a fucking sap, you’d never cheat on me.” 

Cas rolls his eyes and goes back to his computer. 


	75. ANYTHING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m sorry,” Cas says. “I was wrong. He was interested.” Cas puts his hand over Dean’s mouth before he can say anything. “But I belong to you. There’s no one better.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) helped make this better :)

Cas is already home when Dean gets back from Charlie’s. Dean’s barely inside the door before Cas is on his feet, prowling, and Dean takes a half step back. Cas wraps his hand around Dean’s throat without applying any pressure, smiles and kisses him. “Do you remember your safeword?” 

Dean swallows hard. “Yup.” 

Cas smacks Dean across the face, and suddenly Dean goes from a little tipsy and ready to crawl into bed and cuddle to ready to crawl into bed and have Cas destroy him. 

Cas pushes Dean backwards by the neck until he bumps into the wall. Cas hits him again, then squeezes Dean’s throat. “I need you to understand,” Cas says, quiet. “This is just for you.  _ I’m  _ just for you.” 

Dean nods, reaches for Cas, and Cas nuzzles into his palm. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas says. “I was wrong. He was interested.” Cas puts his hand over Dean’s mouth before he can say anything. “But I belong to you. There’s no one better.” 

Dean hesitates, then nods and Cas looks at him for a long time, searching. “Tonight I’m going to take care of you.” 

Dean nods again. 

“I’m going to make you feel good.” 

Dean nods.

“I’m going to hurt you and you’ll feel it tomorrow.” 

Dean’s eyes flutter closed and his pants are uncomfortably tight and he just wants Cas to hit him again. Cas does, then pushes him down to his knees with a hand on his shoulder. “Suck my cock.” 

Dean’s hands scramble at Cas’s jeans and pull them down around Cas’s thighs. Cas is mostly hard, flushed and pretty, and Dean licks up the length of him sloppily to suck the head into his mouth. Cas jerks him off by the hair and says, “Spit on it.” Dean’s heart races and he spits on Cas’s cock, glancing upwards. “Open your mouth.” 

Dean does, letting Cas guide him by the hair to push his cock into Dean’s mouth. Dean has barely taken the first couple of inches when Cas shoves forward, deep, hard enough for the back of Dean’s head to hit the wall as he chokes. 

“Good boy,” Cas murmurs, tracing his finger around Dean’s lips stretched wide. Dean chokes again and Cas leans forward, going  _ deeper.  _ “Relax, relax. There you go.” 

Cas fucks Dean’s throat leisurely, Dean’s head bumping against the wall at every thrust, Cas occasionally just shoving deep and holding there while Dean’s eyes water. 

“Christ,” Cas says, pinching Dean’s nose shut so Dean goes even more lax for him. “You’re so fucking perfect. I love you.” 

Cas pulls out of Dean’s mouth and lets go of his nose at the same time, and Dean coughs and gasps and trembles, hands on Cas’s thighs to steady himself. Cas rubs his thumb through the spit on Dean’s chin and says, “I almost just want to do that all night.” 

“Yeah,” Dean says, hoarse. 

Cas hits him across the face, hard enough that Dean cries out and clenches at Cas’s thighs. “We’ll be doing something else instead,” Cas says. “You’ll ask permission to come.” 

“I’ll be good.” 

“Glad to hear it.” Cas pushes his jeans the rest of the way off his legs and drops his shirt on top of them, then drags Dean — stumbling on hands and knees — to the bedroom by the hair. Dean scrambles to keep up, despite how much he loves the sting in his scalp. 

Cas pushes Dean face first into the mattress, knees still on the floor, and works his jeans and boxers off enough to expose his ass, immediately dropping a series of sharp smacks to each cheek. Dean’s toes curl and he arches his back to show off, begging for more. 

“You’re so beautiful and greedy,” Cas says. He grabs the leather paddle off the bed and slaps it across the width of Dean’s ass. 

“Oh fuck,” Dean says, and Cas hits him again, and then again, until Dean is gripping the sheets with white knuckles and moaning. 

Dean knows from the throbbing heat of his ass that he’s striped red and raw, and he wants more, more, and starts to beg incoherently. Cas hits Dean harder and harder until he’s shaking, tears dripping down his nose. 

“Hold yourself open,” Cas says. 

Dean reaches back with trembling hands and spreads himself. “Look at that,” Cas says, rubbing his thumb around Dean’s rim and then slapping his hole with two fingers, and Dean whines. “Tell me what you want right now. Anything.” 

It takes Dean a minute to collect his scattered thoughts from the ceiling, back into his throbbing and trembling body. 

“Anything,” Cas repeats, sliding his hand up Dean’s back under his shirt, then leaning down to leave a soft kiss at the base of his spine. 

“I want you to eat me out.” 

“Clothes off,” Cas says. “On your back in the bed.” 

Dean needs Cas’s help for both, and he lifts his hips up obediently for Cas to push a pillow under him. Cas pushes Dean’s legs up and open, exposing Dean again. “Hold your legs, please.” 

Dean hooks his elbows around his knees. It’s a position he feels embarrassed and stupid to be in most of the time, but he can’t even begin thinking about that when Cas bites gently just underneath the head of Dean’s cock, making him jerk and whine. 

“Hmm. Maybe I’ll just hurt your cock until you come,” Cas says, licking away a drop of liquid from the tip. 

Dean writhes under the threat of Cas’s teeth until Cas nuzzles the inside of his thigh instead. “Shh, sweetheart,” Cas says, and licks Dean’s hole in a long, slow slide. 

Dean’s back arches off the bed when Cas uses his thumbs to hold him open and lick his way in. Dean’s fingernails dig into his own thighs, and he’s just a hair away from crashing into orgasm. 

Cas sucks at his hole, wet and messy, and then slips a thumb in along with his tongue. “Can I change my answer?” Dean says, panting. “Because I want — I want you to fuck me.” 

“Anything you want,” Cas says, kissing his way up Dean’s body. He smiles, hits Dean, kisses him, hits him again, and Dean wraps his legs around Cas’s hips to pull him closer. 

“Harder,” Dean says. “Hit me harder.” 

Cas arches an eyebrow, caresses Dean’s cheek with his thumb while Dean stares up at him, eyes wide and probably begging. 

Cas hits Dean hard enough that everything else screeches to a stop, then leans down to kiss Dean’s inflamed cheek and whisper that he’s beautiful. “I love you,” Cas says, and somewhere in the middle of a kiss he must’ve found the lube, because he’s guiding his cock into Dean, slowly, a contrast to the way he fucked Dean’s throat before. 

“Cas,” Dean whines, hands pulling at Cas’s hair, knees tightening around his sides. “Please, please, can I come?”

“Yes.” Cas touches Dean’s chin, gently urging him to look up at Cas, and then Cas hits him twice in a row, and Dean cries out and shakes and comes. Cas hits him again before it’s over — not as hard — and fucks him slow and deep through it. “Good boy.” 

Dean pulls Cas into a frantic kiss, but Cas calms him with a hand cupping his jaw and kisses him sweetly. “Please,” Dean gasps. 

“Anything,” Cas says, nuzzling and kissing Dean’s neck, just grinding into him with rolls of his hips. 

“Come in me.” 

Dean’s floating but he still feels Cas’s smile against his throat, and Cas fucks him a little harder, a little faster, and groans softly when he comes. Dean manages to half-open his eyes when Cas pulls back, watching Cas watching his come drip out of Dean. 

Cas squeezes the top of Dean’s thighs and says, “Thank you.” 

“Thank you too,” Dean says, reaching for him. 

Cas lays next to him and Dean tucks up against his side, Cas’s arms tight around him. Dean closes his eyes and listens to Cas breathe, to the thump of his heart. Cas rubs his hand up and down Dean’s back and starts humming softly into the quiet. The song goes,  _ Hold me close, I love you more than you know.  _

“How do you feel?” Cas says. 

“Mmm.” Dean presses closer and kisses Cas’s chest. “Grateful to Inias.” 

Cas laughs. “Is that so?” 

“If he got you to fuck my face like that, yeah.” 

Cas tilts Dean’s chin up to kiss him. “I’ll do that any time.” 

Dean half-sits and reaches over Cas for the water on the nightstand. “You were prepared.”

“We didn’t even make it through a drink before I left, so I had some time.” 

“Tomorrow,” Dean says, “I’ll do anything  _ you _ want.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [hold me close by lucero](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ1bvw2d1RM)


	76. INTERLUDE #23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You can’t make an entire Twitter with pictures of me,” Dean says._
> 
> _“Yes, I can. My followers like you better than me. You’re sex on legs, as one of them said.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) looked at this for me

Hannah snatched back control of Cas’s Twitter, so he made a  _ roguecjmilton  _ account. Cas just did it on a whim to annoy her, which required him to do something that would verify his identity to her, so he posted a picture of him and Dean, one Jess took of them in California. Cas is lit up with how much he loves Dean, and Dean is laughing at a stupid joke Cas made. 

And then Cas posts,  _ “To survive, you must tell stories.” -Umberto Eco.  _

And then he realizes it’s kind of fun, even though some of the comments about him and Dean are creepy. 

“You can’t make an entire Twitter with pictures of me,” Dean says. 

“Yes, I can. My followers like you better than me. You’re sex on legs, as one of them said.” 

Dean snorts. “Yeah, and you’re hideous, obviously.” 

“Well, what else am I going to do with all those pictures I’ve taken of you in panties?” 

“You’re hideous and an asshole.” 

 

Instead, he posts,  _ “Somewhere all stories are real, all songs are true.” -The Wee Free Men, Terry Pratchett. _

Sometimes he gets stoned enough to think someone gives a fuck about his writing philosophy, but sometimes it seems like a couple people do actually give a fuck. Sometimes he talks about books he loves, things that inspire him. Sometimes he talks about creating magic in a real world, what it would feel like to be touched by a giant’s true form. 

Cas posts a picture of Dean and Charlie squished together on the couch, beers in their hands, and captions something about queers flocking together. He wants to say more about the value of real friendship, but that seems like the kind of thing he should figure out how to say to Charlie’s face. 

Cas is better with words than with people. It’s easy to answer questions like this, when he’s not being stared down, when he can’t feel the knife of judgment in his belly. He doesn’t mind talking about witches, he’s not afraid to be honest and say this is all a lucky mistake. 

Of course Cas knows people read his books. He knew some of those people even liked them, but it wasn’t clear to him that his stories had  _ affected  _ them. 

He posts a picture of Dean holding Cas’s hand to his mouth and giving the top of it an exaggerated, messy-goofy kiss.  _ “You know what happens when we touch! / You laugh like the sun coming up laughs / at a star that disappears into it.” -Granite and Wineglass, Rumi _

He reveals the release date of  _ Billie  _ before he’s supposed to. 

While Cas is taking a nap, Dean does a rogue takeover of Cas’s rogue Twitter account and answers embarrassing questions. Now the whole world knows Cas doesn’t wear underwear. 

Someone takes a picture of them at a brewery with Benny and tags Cas. He doesn’t get why that’s so interesting to a thousand people, no matter how thrilled he is to see the way Dean smiles at him.

 

When Cas gets a message saying how much his depiction of queer characters meant to a reader, he climbs under the blankets and refuses Dean’s coaxing to come out. Some days are harder than others. 


	77. YOUR UNACCEPTABLE COCK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I thought — you could fuck me with it and,” Dean shoots Cas a cheeky smile, trying to cover up his nervousness, “your unacceptable cock. At the same time.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated & gifted to [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com). thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) for the beta.

Dean wasn’t trying to start anything by inviting Cas into the dressing room with him, but clearly that was short-sighted, because Cas has him pressed against the flimsy wall between stalls and kissing Dean for all he’s worth, his hand in the open V of the jeans Dean is trying on, rubbing at his cock through silk. 

“Cas, come on,” Dean whispers, trying not to sound breathless. 

Cas stares into Dean’s eyes, so close their noses are almost touching, as he reaches his other hand down the back of Dean’s panties to push at the base of the plug stretching Dean open, filling him up. 

Dean wasn’t trying to start anything, but maybe he was, because desire has been dry-sparking from the press of the plug inside him and up his spine since Cas worked the plug in and then told him what panties to wear. 

Cas licks his lips. Dean bites his tongue to stay silent when Cas tugs the toy, enough that Dean’s hole starts to stretch around the width of it, and then Cas fucks it back in, twisting. Cas gets closer, says hot into Dean’s ear, “I could have you right here. You’re so desperate.” 

“Cas, stop,” Dean warns, but his eyelashes flutter when Cas gives one last tug. 

Cas pulls back and takes a seat on the bench in the dressing room. “Those are keepers.” 

Dean rolls his eyes and kicks the jeans off, trying to ignore the heat of Cas’s eyes while he pulls on the next pair. 

“Your ass looks great in those, too,” Cas says, not bothering to contain his volume, and someone in another stall snorts. 

“Thanks, honeybun,” Dean says, hoping the redness of his cheeks will soften by the time they get to the cash register. 

 

“While we’re out,” Cas says, “we could go to Dreamers.” 

Dean blushes. “Oh, yeah. Cool.” 

Cas leans across the seat to kiss Dean’s cheek before he puts on his seat belt. The music is loud when Dean starts the car, but Cas turns it down. “What was it you didn’t like about the dildo I got you? Size, material?” 

“Both, I guess?” Dean says, chewing on his lip. 

“There are a lot of different choices, so I bet we can find something you’d like. Are you planning on playing with it alone or with me?” 

Dean glances sharply over at him, then focuses back on the road. “Why wouldn’t I want to play with you?” 

“Well, I assume if my cock were acceptable to you, you wouldn’t need a prosthetic.” Dean can’t even figure out how to reply to that, but Cas starts laughing before he has to. “I’m kidding, Dean. What were you thinking about doing with it?” 

Dean pulls into a parking lot and stares down at the steering wheel while the engine keeps rumbling. “I don’t want to have a threesome, I don’t want to be with anyone else. But I thought maybe…” 

Cas squeezes his knee and waits. 

“I thought — you could fuck me with it and,” Dean shoots Cas a cheeky smile, trying to cover up his nervousness, “your unacceptable cock. At the same time.” 

Cas arches an eyebrow, attempting for impassive, but Dean can see his wheels spinning. “Ok,” Cas says, like it’s nothing, and climbs out of the car. 

Cas puts his hand on the small of Dean’s back as they walk in the door, then guides him off to the left, rows and rows of dildos on shelves. 

Dean has been in a sex toy store before — it’s not like he never used toys with his exes — but it’s been a long time, and he’d never had to consider what each item would feel like inside  _ himself.  _

“Is this too big?” Cas says, holding a box out to Dean. 

Dean looks around nervously, like someone in this sex toy store would be shocked at the idea of a guy liking stuff in his ass, but then grabs the box and pokes at the dildo inside. “Bigger. The one you got before was too rigid, I think.”

Cas smirks and trades boxes with Dean. It’s not as thick as Cas’s fist, but it’s huge and advertises itself as fourteen inches. “I hate you,” Dean says. “That’s a weapon, not a sex toy.”

“Hmm,” Cas says. He gets distracted immediately by something in another aisle and leaves Dean behind to stare at the wall of dildos. 

“You look overwhelmed,” a guy says to the side of Dean. “Can I help you find something?” 

“Um,” Dean says, blushing. 

“Are you looking for something for a man or a woman?” 

“Uh — man.” 

“Personally, this is the brand I have at home, and I love it,” the guy says, pulling a box off the shelf. “You have some size choices, but you can’t go wrong with this one.” 

“Oh,” Dean says. “Cool. Thanks.” 

“Let me know if you have any questions, ok?” 

“Ok.” 

Dean’s still blushing, but at least he’s got a box in his hands, when Cas finds him again. “You like that one?” Cas says, his arm sliding around Dean’s waist. 

Dean blushes and says, “We don’t want too big, right? Because…” 

Cas moves closer and breathes hot against Dean’s ear. “Because you’re going to take me at the same time?” 

Dean steps away from him, just because he’s trying desperately not to get a hard-on in the middle of this retail establishment. “Do you want anything else? Cuz we should get out of here.” 

“Lube,” Cas says. “But yes, let’s go.” 

Cas is an asshole, so he whips his card out before Dean does. He buys a different kind of nipple clamps and a huge bottle of lube along with Dean’s chosen dildo. The clamps are pink, and Dean rolls his eyes when the cashier scans the tag. 

In the car, Dean can feel Cas’s eyes on him, but neither of them say anything until Dean pulls into the apartment complex. “Do you want to try today?” Cas says. 

“Yeah.” 

“Good,” Cas says, and Dean loves the mischievous promise in his smile. “I’m giving you a head start, and you better be naked in bed by the time I make it inside. Go.” 

Dean grabs the keys and takes the stairs two at a time. He locks the door behind him just to give him more time, scrambling out of his clothes on the way to their room. Cas’s key is turning in the lock just as Dean makes it on the bed on hands and knees. 

Cas approaches the bed without pausing and smacks both hands, one on each cheek, down on Dean’s ass. Dean’s still wearing dark bruises from a few nights before and Cas’s sharp spanks  _ hurt.  _

“Take the plug out,” Cas says. 

Dean works it out slowly while Cas pulls the dildo out of the package. It looks bigger with his hand around it. With Dean open and empty, Cas drops the dildo on the bed and slides two fingers into him, then three. Dean whines and rides backwards on them. 

“Good boy,” Cas says. “Fuck yourself on my fingers.” 

Dean rocks back, and then forward, trying to get him deeper, toes curling. Cas is still, humming encouragingly, while Dean takes what he can get, and then he lifts his other arm and smacks Dean’s ass, hard. 

Dean jerks forward, off of Cas’s fingers, and Cas laughs. “Are you finished?” 

“Fuck you,” Dean says, smiling over his shoulder. “That shit hurts!”

Cas smile is gone in an instant. “Hurts too much?” 

“Cas, come on,” Dean says, wiggling his hips. 

“You seem to be under the impression that you can tell me what to do.” 

Dean swallows hard at Cas’s change in tone and knows better than to make a snarky comment. Cas kneads at each of Dean’s ass cheeks — gently — to soothe inflamed skin, then spreads Dean’s cheeks to inspect him. He rubs his fingertips around Dean’s hole, then slides three fingers back in, twisting and stretching. 

Dean moans and goes down to his elbows to better present himself. “Greedy boy,” Cas says. “I love you.” 

Cas’s pinkie pushes in, too, and this is the part where Dean starts gasping and begging, head dropped heavy between his shoulders. Cas pulls his fingers out and Dean whines at the loss, but then the blunt, cool head of the dildo is pressing against his hole instead. “Yeah, yeah,” Dean says, arching into it. 

The head of it pops easily past Dean’s rim, and then Cas just eases it into him with shallow thrusts, his other hand squeezing Dean’s hip. “Do you like it?” 

“Fuck,” Dean whispers. It’s not the same — not as good — as Cas’s cock, and not just because it’s not quite as big, but Dean likes it, can’t stop himself from wondering what it’ll feel like with Cas’s cock alongside. 

Cas kisses the small of Dean’s back and says, “I think you should ride me.” 

Dean’s not sure he can even get control of his limbs, but Cas draws the toy out of him slowly and lays next to him on the bed, slicks up his cock, helps Dean to straddle him with steadying hands. Dean sinks down on Cas’s cock with a whine, rolling his hips to take him as deep as possible. 

“Good boy,” Cas murmurs, guiding Dean’s movement in his lap.

Dean’s already lit up from the inside out, but it gets brighter, sharper, when Cas rubs his fingers over where Dean is stretched around his cock, then slides two of them in alongside. “Oh god,” Dean whispers, riding down harder into the delicious stretch. 

“Christ, you feel good,” Cas says. Dean whimpers against his neck in agreement. “You ready, sweetheart?” 

“Please,” Dean gasps. 

Cas grabs the lube and wets the dildo generously, then rubs more around Dean’s hole. Dean can’t stop grinding down on Cas, and it’s so good, he’s suddenly not sure why he would want anything more than just this. 

“Look at me,” Cas says, and Dean props himself up on an elbow to watch him while Cas presses the head of the toy against Dean’s hole. “Shh, relax.” 

Dean lets out his breath slowly, and Cas gives him an affectionate smile. “Keep looking at me,” Cas says, but Dean’s eyes flutter closed anyway when Cas starts to press the dildo inward. 

Part of Dean’s mind says there’s no way, and the other part is buzzing in anticipation. Cas sits up to give Dean a soft kiss and whisper something sweet and meaningless as the head of the toy breaches him. Dean shudders and Cas says, “Breathe. Are you ok?” 

“Yeah,” Dean says, resting his forehead against Cas’s, gasping for air. Cas waits for Dean to calm before pushing the toy in a little further. 

With the next subtle thrust, there’s suddenly an explosive pressure against his prostate, like when Cas’s hand worked into him. “Oh — oh —” 

“Good boy,” Cas says, and deliriously, Dean realizes he’s riding down on Cas’s dick and the toy, taking them both deeper. “My lovely whore,” Cas says, running his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Feels good, doesn’t it?” 

Dean nods shakily and Cas arches up to meet each downward drop of Dean’s hips until Dean is crying out and shaking. It’s slow and hot like lava, molten underneath his skin. Cas realizes it’s happening before Dean does, because he says, “Come for me,” and grinds his cock and the dildo deep into Dean at the same time until Dean comes sobbing. 

Cas wraps his arm around Dean’s shoulders and holds him close, his come slippery between them, while Dean keeps whining and shifting. Every time he thinks he must be done coming, his cock twitches and drips more between them. 

Cas pulls the toy out slowly and helps Dean onto his back in the bed. Cas kisses his cheek, the corner of his mouth, his chin. “Cas,” Dean says, finding Cas’s mouth for a real kiss, slow and hot. “You don’t want to fuck me more?” 

Cas laughs and kisses him again. “I pretty much always want to fuck you more, but I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“You can kiss it better. After you come in me.” 

“Greedy,” Cas says, climbing between Dean’s legs. There’s drying come on both of their stomachs but Dean is back to drifting and uncaring as soon as Cas slides into him again.

It doesn’t take much before Dean can feel Cas swelling and then shooting hot inside of him. Cas doesn’t even wait to catch his breath before he’s hooking Dean’s leg over his shoulder and licking away the come dripping out of Dean. 

Cas clearly decided a kiss wasn’t enough, because he spends a lot of time between Dean’s legs, licking in and around his hole, until Dean’s lost in a lazy haze of bliss. 

When Cas is finally done, he nuzzles the inside of Deans thigh and then moves up to wrap around him, face nestled into Dean’s shoulder. “That was — holy shit,” Dean says, before Cas can ask. “I dunno what I expected but that was way better.” 

“You’re incredible. You amaze me every day.” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “You’re such a sap.” Somehow even without seeing his face, Dean knows Cas’s silence is pointed. “But yeah, ok, me too.” 

Cas laughs and gives Dean a big, smacking kiss. “Can I put your collar on? I want to take care of you tonight.” 

Cas takes care of Dean all the time, but Dean knows this is a little different, how easy it is to sink into the deep and trust Cas to keep him warm. 

“We should shower first,” Dean says. “But I’m still recovering.” 

Cas nuzzles and kisses the place on Dean’s neck where the collar sits. “Thank you.” 

It took a long time for Dean to understand what Cas meant when he thanked Dean after fucking, but he thinks he gets it now. “You’re welcome, baby.” 


	78. EIGHT MINUTES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Kitchen sucks. You told Gabe I wanted a good kitchen, right?”_
> 
> _Cas tugs Dean close by the belt loops and gives him a kiss. “Yes, but I told him all your other demands, too, so it’s probably hard to find one place that fits all of them.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) and [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) for their help * encouragement on this one. 
> 
> don't freak out, dear reader, but this story is coming to a close. the final chapter will probably be published later today. :)

“We are not getting a pink door,” Dean says as Cas fiddles with the lockbox code. 

“We can paint the door.” 

Cas is still peeking in the entryway coat closet when Dean comes out of the other room. “Kitchen sucks. You told Gabe I wanted a good kitchen, right?” 

Cas tugs Dean close by the belt loops and gives him a kiss. “Yes, but I told him all your other demands, too, so it’s probably hard to find one place that fits all of them.”

“Oh yeah, it’s totally me. ‘No carpet,’” Dean mimics. “‘I refuse to buy a vacuum cleaner.’” 

Cas slaps Dean across the face and Dean laughs, saying, “You gonna be mean today, baby?” 

“Depends on your behavior.” 

“Mm,” Dean says, crowding Cas back against the wall to kiss him. “I’ll be good.” 

 

The next several houses get vetoed by Dean, too, because of the kitchen or the bathroom or — Cas didn’t realize he’d be so damn picky, but Cas is also realizing he doesn’t really care about the house as long as Dean is in it. 

The next one, Dean stops in the doorway. “This is too expensive.” 

Cas pushes him the rest of the way in. “All of what we’re looking at is well within our budget.” 

“The budget I don’t know about,” Dean says, and he’s tense when Cas nuzzles up behind him. “I mean, that last one was — but this —” 

“So you like it.” 

“There’s carpet.” 

“At this price, it would be within the budget you don’t know about to pull it up and replace it,” Cas says, pinching Dean’s hip. “Go see the kitchen.” 

Cas follows Dean into it. Dean looks around, biting the inside of his cheek. “It’s nice.” 

“Do something for me,” Cas says, nodding towards the kitchen island. “Bend over.” 

Dean scowls but puts his hands on the edge of the island, arching his back to show his ass like he knows where this is headed. “I said, bend over,” Cas says, using a gentle hand on the back of Dean’s head to push him onto his chest on the countertop. 

“I told you my niceness depends on your behavior,” Cas says, unbuttoning and unzipping Dean’s jeans, pulling them and his boxers down just far enough to expose the lovely swell of his ass. “Did we not agree that you wouldn’t worry about the cost? Do you not trust me to take care of this?” 

Dean swallows. “I trust you.” 

Cas holds him flat on the counter with a hand on the center of his back and smacks his ass over and over, until Dean is panting and there’s splotchy handprints on one side of his ass. With a final spank, Cas pulls Dean’s boxers and jeans back up, gives a quick squeeze to Dean’s hard cock before buttoning them. “Let’s see the rest of the house.” 

Dean groans but stands, and Cas is pleased to see that he’s flushed and a little shaky. Cas follows him from room to room, a hand on his lower back, watching his reaction. 

“It’s too sterile,” Cas says. “We need to paint, too.”

“Yeah, this white is ugly.” 

“We couldn’t fuck in this shower.” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “We don’t fuck in the shower we have.” 

“I suppose there are plenty of other areas we could fuck in.” 

“A cornucopia of options,” Dean says, and Cas laughs, shoving him back towards the front door. 

 

In one of the bedrooms in the next house, Cas grabs Dean and says, “On your knees.” 

Dean is a brat, but he’s exquisite when he’s obedient, looking up at Cas from under his eyelashes. Cas opens his jeans and strokes his cock loosely while he pulls out his phone and starts a timer. “I’m told you can make me come in eight minutes.” Cas hits  _ Start.  _ “Go.” 

Dean smiles, delighted, and runs the flat of his tongue up Cas’s cock, taking the head in his mouth to suck. When Cas puts his hand in Dean’s hair, Dean stills and his jaw relaxes like he expects Cas to  _ take,  _ but Cas doesn’t move.

“Six-oh-five,” Cas says. “I suggest you get to work.” 

Dean wraps his hands around Cas’s hips and takes him apart within a handful of breaths. Cas didn’t think this out very well, because with two minutes left to go, he’s swaying on weak knees, clenching Dean’s shoulder to stay upright. 

Dean moans, low and filthy, and Cas says, trying not to sound breathless, “55 seconds.” 

Dean sucks harder, swallows and whines, and on the next bob of Dean’s head, Cas winds his fingers in Dean’s hair and holds him down while Cas comes down his throat. 

Dean is a little dazed, a blush covering his cheeks, lips red-swollen. “Good boy,” Cas says, and Dean smiles, sweet and bright. Cas buttons up, then leans down to kiss Dean’s forehead. “Up, darling. I think you’ll like the yard.” 

 

Cas knows right away he’ll veto the next one, and not even for any particular reason he can identify; it just doesn’t feel right. Still, Cas pushes Dean up against the wall in the living room and kisses him, deep and slow, the kind of kiss Dean swoons under. 

“I hate this one,” Cas says, “but I love you. Don’t move.” 

When Cas kneels, Dean flattens his palms against the wall to control himself. It doesn’t take long before he’s vibrating with need, fingertips whitening as he presses his hands harder backwards, and Cas pulls off to say, mouth still brushing the head of Dean’s cock, “You can touch me, and you can come.” 

“Thank Jesus,” Dean says, his hands in Cas’s hair before Cas even finishes, running his fingers through it and moaning when Cas takes him down again. 

Dean whispers  _ Cas Cas Cas  _ and his hands spasm in Cas’s hair right before he comes. Cas swallows it down, sucks him clean, nuzzles against the soft part of his stomach. Dean looks disoriented and adoring.

The last one is nice, too — they could make a home there — but Dean’s eyes don’t light up with the potential in the same way. On the way back to their apartment, Cas says, “Do you want to make an offer on the Blanco River one?” 

“Uh, which one was that?” 

“Where I spanked you.” 

Dean blushes. It’s amazing how easily Cas can make him do it even after all this time. “I really liked it, but…” 

Cas raises an eyebrow that he hopes Dean catches in the corner of his eye. “Do you need another spanking?” 

Dean licks his lips and doesn’t reply.

“If it makes you feel better, that was one of the lowest priced ones we saw today.” 

Dean follows up the stairs to their apartment. “Yeah, I guess — call Gabe.” 

 

Cas paces anxiously waiting for Dean to come home. He hears the Impala long before he hears Dean tromping up the stairs, but as soon as Dean is in the door, Cas leaps on him, wrapping his arms and legs around him and kissing him messily. 

Dean stumbles backwards, laughing. “Holy fuck, you’re heavy. Stop eating so much salad.” 

“I’m ignoring that,” Cas says, dropping his feet to the floor and giving Dean another smacking kiss. “I have news.” 

“Yeah?” 

“You should consider starting on those bookshelves you promised me.” 

Dean stares at Cas for a long time, then one of his best smiles breaks out, sunny and life-giving. “Seriously? Jesus, I love you.” 

“I adore you,” Cas says, smiling so hard it hurts. 

Dean says, almost like he doesn’t believe it, “We’re buying a house.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the curious, [this is the house](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/6107-Blanco-River-Pass-Austin-TX-78749/29487132_zpid/?fullpage=true).


	79. DENOUEMENT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It happens a lot, moments where Cas is breathless with how in love he is with Dean._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) and suckerfordeansfreckles for their help on this

It happens a lot, moments where Cas is breathless with how in love he is with Dean:

 

They’re not friends, exactly, but Cas likes the way Dean talks about books after a few beers. “What kind of books does a pro writer read as a kid? Homer?” 

They’re not touching yet, other than their knees bumping on the couch. Cas looks at Dean’s mouth and thinks about kissing him, but instead he says, “I identified a lot with Matilda, but I read everything. Teachers gave up on making me listen in class.” 

Dean laughs, loose and happy. “Dude, me too. Except I could only read whatever shitty books I could find at whatever shitty school library. A lot of  _ Goosebumps  _ and  _ Animorphs.”  _

“It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized how fucked up that series was.”

Dean swallows the last of his beer, then leans over to kiss Cas. “Talk thoughtspeak to me, baby.”

Cas laughs too hard to keep kissing, and after they fuck, they laugh again about their crushes on Rachel, and Dean admits he cried at the end of the last book.

 

“Listen to this,” Dean says. “‘CJ Milton has made a career of —” 

“Don’t,” Cas says. 

“I know you don’t like reviews but this one is good!” Dean stares at Cas, a smile quirking on his mouth, until Cas sighs and gestures for him to go on. Dean puts on an exaggerated snobby accent, vaguely British but mostly ridiculous. “‘CJ Milton has made a career writing about monsters, which makes his latest novel,  _ Familiar,  _ feel like a love affair.’ You got her panties all wet.” 

Cas rolls his eyes and turns back to his computer, but Dean bumps their shoulders together and gives him another smile. “‘ _ Familiar  _ is at its core a book about love and human kindness, something seen only rarely in Milton’s previous works. There’s no question this is Milton’s writing — sparse prose that packs a punch — but it is a sharp departure from a novel like  _ Skinwalker. _ ’”

Cas sneaks a look over at Dean. 

“Hmm,” Dean says, tapping his chin. “I wonder what kind of love affair entered your life that could’ve caused this change.” 

“Did you make me listen to that just so you could tease me about loving you?” 

Dean laughs and laughs. “Pretty much.” 

 

The first time Cas walks in on Dean shaving in what was later  _ their  _ apartment, Dean gives him a foam-faced smile and says, “Don’t even start about using your razor. We’ve shared plenty of germs.” 

Cas laughs and kisses the top of Dean’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t dream of it.” 

Cas can’t watch more, though. It hurts somehow, Dean morning-soft and comfortable in Cas’s space. Cas didn’t mean to feel like this. 

 

Cas used to worry that he’d just keep floating, higher and higher into madness, until nothing is real at all. And then he stopped worrying, because there was Dean to hold him solid on the ground. 

 

It’s raining and they’re pretty stoned and Dean is touching Cas like he likes to be with him, even though they haven’t managed to make it to bed yet.

“You’re just so fuckin’ cool,” Dean says, hand sliding up Cas’s bicep to tuck under his sleeve. “You know so much shit. How do you know so much shit?” Dean sighs wistfully. “I’ll never be as cool as you.” 

Cas laughs and kisses the top of his head, immediately wonders where the gesture came from, then stops caring when Dean smiles loopily up at him. “You know quite a few things yourself,” Cas says. 

“Yeah, but,” Dean starts, then seems to get lost nuzzling and kissing along Cas’s jaw. “And you’re — fucking gorgeous.” 

“As are you.” 

“It’s ok that you’re a vegetarian. I’ll look up recipes.” 

“Sure,” Cas says, petting a hand through Dean’s hair. 

“You’re my favorite. Other than Charlie.” 

“That’s fair.” 

Dean kisses the corner of Cas’s mouth, then lays down with his head in Cas’s lap. “I need a short nap,” Dean says, eyes closing. 

Cas doesn’t want to be the kind of creep who watches the straight guy he’s fucking while he sleeps, but he can’t help looking downward every now and then, marveling at the lovely plush pink of Dean’s mouth, his sun-dappled cheeks, the delicacy of his long eyelashes. 

 

“I’m not actually asking because I know you’ll just say  _ blah-blah heterosexist paradigm blah-blah _ , but just so you know — I’d be really proud to be your husband.” 

Cas stares at Dean, unblinking. 

“You look surprised.” 

Cas never thought of himself as someone who might be lovable, but here Dean is, nose to nose in their bedroom, painted a color they argued for almost an hour in Home Depot about, in  _ their  _ house, saying  _ husband.  _

“We could…” Cas starts, then pauses, even more surprised at how quickly he can imagine it. “We could do it like Charlie et al.” 

“A love party,” Dean says. 

“As husbands.” 

“Yeah,” Dean says. “But I know it’s not really your thing.” 

“Is it your thing?” 

Dean looks down. “It’d be nice.” 

“Then of course I want to be your husband.” 

Dean’s surprised into momentary silence. “Really?” 

“Yes.” 

Dean grins and pulls Cas closer, smiling in between kisses. 

 

When the advanced copy of  _ Giant  _ come in, Cas doesn’t hide when Dean opens it after inspecting the cover. 

_ For Dean.  _

_ “It’s enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment.” -Gabriel García Márquez _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we have arrived at the end. i'll probably make a sobbing post about it on tumblr later. for now, all i can say is: thank you for being here.

**Author's Note:**

> i am continuing to Make An Attempt to be better at responding to comments and largely failing. but every one is so special to me. <3
> 
> [reallyelegantsharkfish on tumblr](http://reallyelegantsharkfish.tumblr.com)
> 
> [transformative works policy](http://reallyelegantsharkfish.tumblr.com/post/167716491355/transformative-works-policy)
> 
> this will make no sense to you until you're about ~40 chapters in -- some people have wanted to (or apologized for) talk about their own experiences/struggles with mental health. for the record: a) no need to apologize, i'll always listen when i can and b) if you are not comfortable saying stuff "publicly" via ao3 comment, you can always dm me on tumblr or even email me reallyelegantsharkfish@gmail

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Held Together, Pulled Apart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14715911) by [elanor_n_evermind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elanor_n_evermind/pseuds/elanor_n_evermind)
  * [Love Made Tangible](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14982554) by [faerie_lights](https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerie_lights/pseuds/faerie_lights)
  * [Please](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16349894) by [faerie_lights](https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerie_lights/pseuds/faerie_lights)




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